I suppose I would be greatly remiss if I did not put up a post saying 'I GOT A JOB!!!!' Considering it has thus far been a major theme through this blog.
For the past couple of months I had avoided looking for jobs at the Portland DoubleTree by Hilton because I had been told they were going through a lot of changes and I should wait until it settled down. Yet, as my unemployment was coming to a close at the end of this month, I said, 'the heck with it' and opened the ad for an HR Manager position, and Voila! Low and behold the name of the GM was one I knew quite well - he had been my Internship Coach while I was training in Boston back in '04!
An email later we had a coffee date and after some catching up, the conversation turned to what I was looking for in terms of employment, and we briefly discussed what he was looking for in terms of the HR position. We parted with me taking a couple days to think about it, then we met later in the week and he officially offered me the position!
I'm very excited to get back to work. This is a great blend of all those things I was looking for - a steady AM schedule, with time to see family and friends on the weekends, a better 'time off' package than any other hotel has offered, an opportunity to support staff and really make a marked difference to a team, I get to implement new systems and procedures, and! I'm working with a boss who knows my previous employer and who can help me make that transition to a well-known branded hotel chain!
Sunday, December 29, 2013
The Spirit of Christmas - A Few Days Late
Perhaps it was the fact that I got my job just a few days before Christmas. Perhaps it's because Thanksgiving was a smaller affair this year, so the pre-family gathering didn't happen like it usually does. Perhaps its because we had Thanksgiving a week later this year. Perhaps it was just a funk year, but Christmas didn't feel like Christmas for me - until now. Tonight, after the extended family had gone home, a brief nap, and some extra munchies, the spirit and JOY of Christmas hit as I looked around the house and saw all the decorations and the tree. The living room was picked up, the table cleared off, my Step-Dad was intensely watching football, and I just smiled and felt that little flurry of Christmas joy that had eluded me all season.
I'm so thankful for my family. For the love and support they have always given and most especially the love and support of the past year. Today as I stood back and looked at the assembled Robinson family, I caught myself thinking, "This is my Clan, my Tribe." We may not all have been there, and that's OK, those who could not make it were here in spirit with me and they are part of the Tribe. And Family - family is not always blood either. Friends, those I have 'adopted', and those my parents have 'adopted' are my family as well, and tonight, I give thanks and much love to them as well...
Christmas Spirit is Traditions, Family, & Love - in all the varied expressions that exist - foods, decorations, games, sayings, all of this and more. Tonight, I was blessed to touch upon that once more :)
I'm so thankful for my family. For the love and support they have always given and most especially the love and support of the past year. Today as I stood back and looked at the assembled Robinson family, I caught myself thinking, "This is my Clan, my Tribe." We may not all have been there, and that's OK, those who could not make it were here in spirit with me and they are part of the Tribe. And Family - family is not always blood either. Friends, those I have 'adopted', and those my parents have 'adopted' are my family as well, and tonight, I give thanks and much love to them as well...
Christmas Spirit is Traditions, Family, & Love - in all the varied expressions that exist - foods, decorations, games, sayings, all of this and more. Tonight, I was blessed to touch upon that once more :)
Monday, November 25, 2013
Mind Dump Monday
On Sorrow's Ground
At this seasonal time of festivities, we also find a higher rise in depression. A time when days are incredibly short, and the Sun that lead us joyfully, in the warmer months, goes to rest earlier and earlier each day. Dusk and night come quickly, and thus the fleeting warmth of sunshine has just a few precious hours to work it's magic. I find myself more in tune with this change now, than ever before...
I'm also recognizing a continual stream of received insights and messages throughout the day. From the first break of consciousness in the morning, to the just-as-I-fall-asleep time, little thoughts pop into my mind, that ring true.
'On sorrow's ground' - from Belladonna, by Anne Bishop
'It's time to change your story' - from some reading, or multiple readings in the past few years
'Go for a walk, get up now' - healthy living advise, when I experience my 'first' wake-up each morning at 6am
'You are still processing the last bit of that relationship, your uncomfortable dreams are a testament to that' - Dream interpretation discussions
'Get your car fixed, don't let it go too long' - message from my Grandfathers
'Change your Story' ...
Life is a series of steps, of chances, of embracing the chance to make a change in your present condition. To taking that leap of faith on the 'next thing' and run with it. Having the courage to go with it no matter what.
I still have that BIG feeling of doing something tremendous with my life. I still have days, like today, when I doubt my previous actions and wonder what I'm doing...
And then, as now, I hear the words, 'Change your Story' and feel a subtle shift as I know the truth of that statement. And as I feel relieved, having acknowledged that truth, other fears melt away and a strength of character starts pushing through, morphing the bedrock of myself just a little more.
Change your story ... When you don't like what you have been saying; when you don't like who you are, or who you are becoming, it's time to change your story.
Do you realize that you are the Author of your life? Who else knows you, better than you? Who else tells your story? I read in many career guides, how you tell your story is as important, if not more important than what's on your resume - which in fact, is a written summary of your story. To better sell yourself, you often have to look at the facts and find a positive, yet honest way to tell your tale.
And so having just cried a bit speaking many of these ideas to a trusted friend, and with these quickly shifting thoughts filling the screen before me, a long held weight is lifted and I find myself drifting off to sleep for just a few moments. The relief of expressing myself so pronounced that it's exhausting. awakening, I feel some loose ends pulled tight, and a new appreciation for the day ahead.
In parting I remember the sight of a late night, cloud scattered sky - moon and stars bright in night's dark cape, leafless trees swaying in the howling winds, as I watch from my warm, snug bedroom window. Stark natural beauty at its finest. I am reminded that I am just one person in Trillions on this planet; and that all change starts with a single idea, a single step towards something bigger than oneself.
At this seasonal time of festivities, we also find a higher rise in depression. A time when days are incredibly short, and the Sun that lead us joyfully, in the warmer months, goes to rest earlier and earlier each day. Dusk and night come quickly, and thus the fleeting warmth of sunshine has just a few precious hours to work it's magic. I find myself more in tune with this change now, than ever before...
I'm also recognizing a continual stream of received insights and messages throughout the day. From the first break of consciousness in the morning, to the just-as-I-fall-asleep time, little thoughts pop into my mind, that ring true.
'On sorrow's ground' - from Belladonna, by Anne Bishop
'It's time to change your story' - from some reading, or multiple readings in the past few years
'Go for a walk, get up now' - healthy living advise, when I experience my 'first' wake-up each morning at 6am
'You are still processing the last bit of that relationship, your uncomfortable dreams are a testament to that' - Dream interpretation discussions
'Get your car fixed, don't let it go too long' - message from my Grandfathers
'Change your Story' ...
Life is a series of steps, of chances, of embracing the chance to make a change in your present condition. To taking that leap of faith on the 'next thing' and run with it. Having the courage to go with it no matter what.
I still have that BIG feeling of doing something tremendous with my life. I still have days, like today, when I doubt my previous actions and wonder what I'm doing...
And then, as now, I hear the words, 'Change your Story' and feel a subtle shift as I know the truth of that statement. And as I feel relieved, having acknowledged that truth, other fears melt away and a strength of character starts pushing through, morphing the bedrock of myself just a little more.
Change your story ... When you don't like what you have been saying; when you don't like who you are, or who you are becoming, it's time to change your story.
Do you realize that you are the Author of your life? Who else knows you, better than you? Who else tells your story? I read in many career guides, how you tell your story is as important, if not more important than what's on your resume - which in fact, is a written summary of your story. To better sell yourself, you often have to look at the facts and find a positive, yet honest way to tell your tale.
And so having just cried a bit speaking many of these ideas to a trusted friend, and with these quickly shifting thoughts filling the screen before me, a long held weight is lifted and I find myself drifting off to sleep for just a few moments. The relief of expressing myself so pronounced that it's exhausting. awakening, I feel some loose ends pulled tight, and a new appreciation for the day ahead.
In parting I remember the sight of a late night, cloud scattered sky - moon and stars bright in night's dark cape, leafless trees swaying in the howling winds, as I watch from my warm, snug bedroom window. Stark natural beauty at its finest. I am reminded that I am just one person in Trillions on this planet; and that all change starts with a single idea, a single step towards something bigger than oneself.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Listen to their story
Conversations. Interviewing. Networking. Personal Commercial/Sales Pitch. Stories.
Breathe. Ground Yourself. Enjoy the beauty around you. LISTEN.
Repeat.
This past month plus at home in Maine has been any version of the above. With joy in my heart I have found networking groups, gone out on 1-on-1's with folks, had amazingly insightful conversations, and have enjoyed the connection found when conversing with others. What incredible stories we each have filled with unique experiences and perspectives.
Boston Native with a passion for health. Manager turned Reiki master. Postman turned Financial advisor. Insurance agent by day, Fire fighter in heart. RN who believes Health care is really Sick Care and is pioneering her own change movement. Entrepreneurs aplenty. TV reporter visiting Maine 14 years ago, who never left. Chance meetings, scheduled meetings, stories all around.
I am repeatedly reminded of some recently read articles and even fictional stories that describe typical conversational habits. The parts where we stop listening and instead are eager to jump in with our next thought or immediately find a reference point and follow up with an "I or my" statement about the other person's experience, instead of simply commenting on the point or asking a question to further the other person's story. How it's very typical to have a desire to tell our story, to express ourselves in conversation.
It's a testament to my time off and cultivating self awareness that I have been able recognize myself slipping into this trap of "I & my" and not reciprocating the questions as well. Of thinking more of my response than really listening to the other person. At those times I would stop my mind, (try not to overly criticize myself), and re-devote my attention to the other person. And in those moments, I felt a softening, a gratitude, to be able to connect with another person. I admit, it's still a habit I'm trying to overcome, and I'm thankful for the self-awareness.
It's natural for us as humans to find similarities with others, just as much as we also immediately recognize differences, the mine vs. yours. It's such a joy when a shared point of reference can be expressed. Another thing that joins you to me. I'm finding more and more that when I can relax and listen, that softening becomes more natural and I am able to enjoy the story being told. Our communities are made of such diverse individuals with extraordinary skills, perspectives, journeys, and advice.
It's with a prayer of thanks, and a grateful heart that I reflect on all the serendipitous meetings I have encountered in just 4 weeks home and the opportunities to experience the generosity of others; their time, wisdom, and sneak peeks into the passionate works they provide for others.
These encounters help shape the world I am creating for myself and others, and I look forward to paying it forward every day possible!
Breathe. Ground Yourself. Enjoy the beauty around you. LISTEN.
Repeat.
This past month plus at home in Maine has been any version of the above. With joy in my heart I have found networking groups, gone out on 1-on-1's with folks, had amazingly insightful conversations, and have enjoyed the connection found when conversing with others. What incredible stories we each have filled with unique experiences and perspectives.
Boston Native with a passion for health. Manager turned Reiki master. Postman turned Financial advisor. Insurance agent by day, Fire fighter in heart. RN who believes Health care is really Sick Care and is pioneering her own change movement. Entrepreneurs aplenty. TV reporter visiting Maine 14 years ago, who never left. Chance meetings, scheduled meetings, stories all around.
I am repeatedly reminded of some recently read articles and even fictional stories that describe typical conversational habits. The parts where we stop listening and instead are eager to jump in with our next thought or immediately find a reference point and follow up with an "I or my" statement about the other person's experience, instead of simply commenting on the point or asking a question to further the other person's story. How it's very typical to have a desire to tell our story, to express ourselves in conversation.
It's a testament to my time off and cultivating self awareness that I have been able recognize myself slipping into this trap of "I & my" and not reciprocating the questions as well. Of thinking more of my response than really listening to the other person. At those times I would stop my mind, (try not to overly criticize myself), and re-devote my attention to the other person. And in those moments, I felt a softening, a gratitude, to be able to connect with another person. I admit, it's still a habit I'm trying to overcome, and I'm thankful for the self-awareness.
It's natural for us as humans to find similarities with others, just as much as we also immediately recognize differences, the mine vs. yours. It's such a joy when a shared point of reference can be expressed. Another thing that joins you to me. I'm finding more and more that when I can relax and listen, that softening becomes more natural and I am able to enjoy the story being told. Our communities are made of such diverse individuals with extraordinary skills, perspectives, journeys, and advice.
It's with a prayer of thanks, and a grateful heart that I reflect on all the serendipitous meetings I have encountered in just 4 weeks home and the opportunities to experience the generosity of others; their time, wisdom, and sneak peeks into the passionate works they provide for others.
These encounters help shape the world I am creating for myself and others, and I look forward to paying it forward every day possible!
The Joy of ol' Timers
I'm sitting here at the (newly-built to me) Tim Hortons, listening with half an ear to the ol' timers coffee talk at tables around me. Occasionally I'll stop what I'm doing, and find myself gazing around the lobby with a smile. Here are 'my people', here are the ones that make me smile with pride, here are the men and women who have roughed it out, survived and still have a smile on their faces.
And as I come back to the present and really look at the Vetaran with his brand-new, unfitted U.S. Army ball cap, the weather worn farmer with camo hat and thick black rimmed glasses, the sturdy older woman with her Halloween embroidered bright orange sweatshirt, and all those in between, I'm also struck by the many piercing ice-blue eyes that I haven't noticed elsewhere in such abundance. Piercing ice-blue eyes that are so common in my own family, and that I now know I associate with 'Home.'
And thus, I sit here and smile, feeling a sense of connectedness that makes my heart sing. These are truly 'those who came before,' who represent the way things were. And a sense of deja vu washes over me, as I liken this gathering, this rhythm and murmur of speech and smiles, to many conversations at the Farm, barn talks at the fairs, and countless family gatherings - it's the music of my younger years. Steady voices, rarely a voice raised to make a point, no overly boastful tones, just pure down home conversation mingled with low chuckles and many smiling faces.
With that recognition, I get back to work with a lighter, grateful heart and a smile on my face - thankful for this unexpected gift and to be home.
And as I come back to the present and really look at the Vetaran with his brand-new, unfitted U.S. Army ball cap, the weather worn farmer with camo hat and thick black rimmed glasses, the sturdy older woman with her Halloween embroidered bright orange sweatshirt, and all those in between, I'm also struck by the many piercing ice-blue eyes that I haven't noticed elsewhere in such abundance. Piercing ice-blue eyes that are so common in my own family, and that I now know I associate with 'Home.'
And thus, I sit here and smile, feeling a sense of connectedness that makes my heart sing. These are truly 'those who came before,' who represent the way things were. And a sense of deja vu washes over me, as I liken this gathering, this rhythm and murmur of speech and smiles, to many conversations at the Farm, barn talks at the fairs, and countless family gatherings - it's the music of my younger years. Steady voices, rarely a voice raised to make a point, no overly boastful tones, just pure down home conversation mingled with low chuckles and many smiling faces.
With that recognition, I get back to work with a lighter, grateful heart and a smile on my face - thankful for this unexpected gift and to be home.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Home - In all it's varied meanings
Hello again, Blog. I have neglected you because I have been in turmoil about what to write. I wasn't ready to announce to the world that I was moving home while still in my decision making process. As excited as I was about the movement in my life, the coming home, the support and bonding opportunities it presented (presents), I was also ashamed in some ways, and nervous, fearful about what this life would (will) look like.
What does moving home mean to me? Home. Security. Family. Love. Wisdom. Comfort. Friendships. Time. Lesser expectations. Familiar. Community. Are all these things true? Much like the fearful thoughts that kept me away, "There is no opportunity in Maine. I must make it on my own, without direct help & support." Are these other thoughts about home true? I had to wade through these thoughts and feelings on my own, to come to my decision. And those questions have still been on my mind this past week as I have been settling in and finding a new rhythm.
And as this process unfolds, I find myself noticing new trains of thought. I have been taking note of my mind making comparisons of the old me and present me (not new, because we are always evolving, and THAT is a very mindful, important distinction). Now that I'm home, I'm presented with the mesh of 'old ways of living here' and the opportunity to create a new way of living and being with my friends and family. Living with my parents I find myself slipping into my remembered teenage habits, yet with more adult compassion and responsibility threaded in. I find myself thinking of high school; the way I bounced from Mum's to Dad's, of my old sleeping habits, chores, expectations etc, and the way I looked at the world thinking I had unlimited possibilities and I just wanted to LEAVE and venture out. And then I will go to make dinner, to go see a friend, to hang things on my walls and I will pause and realize I'm also torn between the then and now. If I was still living on my own this is how I'd do it, but now I'm home so how does that look. My physical world is set - my rooms, my clothes, my stuff; it's the mental and emotional aspects that are being reshaped and restructured in this new phase of life.
I also think of the time I had in high school to make decisions about my future, and how SURE I was of my plan, of what my next steps were going to be. These are all the things that flow in my subconscious and pop intermittently into my conscious day dreams. That inner voice asking me, 'Who am I now? How do I present myself? What is my next step? How does that fit into my life plan? What IS my life plan?' I feel like I have tipped my world completely upside down - I never thought I would move back to Maine, ever. And I see more clearly than I have in awhile, that I don't have a step by step plan as I once thought I did. The one I had last month, which helped draw me home, seems blah and uninspiring now.
Or perhaps it's not so much that I don't have a plan, as my own expectations and ideas for my life have changed, and thus the steps to attain it. My definition of success and a fulfilled life have gone through many evolutions these past 9 months, and I'm still settling into those new thoughts and ideals. I am coming to understand that money and titles don't mean as much as knowing that I have made a difference and a positive contribution to others and the environment. That I want to give back to the world, and make a direct difference in the lives of others. I want to help educate people on healthier, more sustainable living. Saving both ourselves and our environment. Again and again, these are are the passions I came home to fulfill.
Yet in times of just awakening, or times of fear of failure, I find myself still battling the ideas of what I think the world expects of me, that I'm letting others perceived expectations of me become my own: prestige, big money making, big titles, managing hotels and businesses, working NOW. And I realize how tightly I still cling to those familiar ideals when my mind wanders too far into fear. Those overly negative thoughts of, 'Why am I home? What am I doing with my life? I should be further along by now. How am I going to find a job? I still don't know what I want to do. I've waited too long to get a job. I'm a failure. I need a job NOW!' Repeat endlessly until I literally tell myself STOP! take a deep breath and remind myself of my passions. Then I can feel my boy relax and I can breath again.
I remind myself that I have only been here a week and I DO know what to do, and HAVE been doing it. I know how to network, how to reach out, and most importantly I remind myself that I DO have talents and skills that can be used pretty much everywhere. I am loved and supported. I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, clothes on my back, and a wonderful community of people near and far that love me. If the world were to end today, I can count myself incredibly blessed.
So, here is to a new beginning in Maine. It's a mesh of old and new, of found, discovered and rediscovered. The child who left 9+ years ago is now an adult, and it's an interesting journey to see what life holds next.
And it's OK not to know ...
What does moving home mean to me? Home. Security. Family. Love. Wisdom. Comfort. Friendships. Time. Lesser expectations. Familiar. Community. Are all these things true? Much like the fearful thoughts that kept me away, "There is no opportunity in Maine. I must make it on my own, without direct help & support." Are these other thoughts about home true? I had to wade through these thoughts and feelings on my own, to come to my decision. And those questions have still been on my mind this past week as I have been settling in and finding a new rhythm.
And as this process unfolds, I find myself noticing new trains of thought. I have been taking note of my mind making comparisons of the old me and present me (not new, because we are always evolving, and THAT is a very mindful, important distinction). Now that I'm home, I'm presented with the mesh of 'old ways of living here' and the opportunity to create a new way of living and being with my friends and family. Living with my parents I find myself slipping into my remembered teenage habits, yet with more adult compassion and responsibility threaded in. I find myself thinking of high school; the way I bounced from Mum's to Dad's, of my old sleeping habits, chores, expectations etc, and the way I looked at the world thinking I had unlimited possibilities and I just wanted to LEAVE and venture out. And then I will go to make dinner, to go see a friend, to hang things on my walls and I will pause and realize I'm also torn between the then and now. If I was still living on my own this is how I'd do it, but now I'm home so how does that look. My physical world is set - my rooms, my clothes, my stuff; it's the mental and emotional aspects that are being reshaped and restructured in this new phase of life.
I also think of the time I had in high school to make decisions about my future, and how SURE I was of my plan, of what my next steps were going to be. These are all the things that flow in my subconscious and pop intermittently into my conscious day dreams. That inner voice asking me, 'Who am I now? How do I present myself? What is my next step? How does that fit into my life plan? What IS my life plan?' I feel like I have tipped my world completely upside down - I never thought I would move back to Maine, ever. And I see more clearly than I have in awhile, that I don't have a step by step plan as I once thought I did. The one I had last month, which helped draw me home, seems blah and uninspiring now.
Or perhaps it's not so much that I don't have a plan, as my own expectations and ideas for my life have changed, and thus the steps to attain it. My definition of success and a fulfilled life have gone through many evolutions these past 9 months, and I'm still settling into those new thoughts and ideals. I am coming to understand that money and titles don't mean as much as knowing that I have made a difference and a positive contribution to others and the environment. That I want to give back to the world, and make a direct difference in the lives of others. I want to help educate people on healthier, more sustainable living. Saving both ourselves and our environment. Again and again, these are are the passions I came home to fulfill.
Yet in times of just awakening, or times of fear of failure, I find myself still battling the ideas of what I think the world expects of me, that I'm letting others perceived expectations of me become my own: prestige, big money making, big titles, managing hotels and businesses, working NOW. And I realize how tightly I still cling to those familiar ideals when my mind wanders too far into fear. Those overly negative thoughts of, 'Why am I home? What am I doing with my life? I should be further along by now. How am I going to find a job? I still don't know what I want to do. I've waited too long to get a job. I'm a failure. I need a job NOW!' Repeat endlessly until I literally tell myself STOP! take a deep breath and remind myself of my passions. Then I can feel my boy relax and I can breath again.
I remind myself that I have only been here a week and I DO know what to do, and HAVE been doing it. I know how to network, how to reach out, and most importantly I remind myself that I DO have talents and skills that can be used pretty much everywhere. I am loved and supported. I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, clothes on my back, and a wonderful community of people near and far that love me. If the world were to end today, I can count myself incredibly blessed.
So, here is to a new beginning in Maine. It's a mesh of old and new, of found, discovered and rediscovered. The child who left 9+ years ago is now an adult, and it's an interesting journey to see what life holds next.
And it's OK not to know ...
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Expression: Writing vs. Speaking
I had a hard conversation with a friend last night. I was feeling very angry, overwhelmed, and upset by life in general, and this friend was trying to help me out of that mind set. Now I admit, I WANTED to feel that way. There was a perverse joy in feeling those powerful emotions and I wanted to be in that state for a little while. Yet, I also knew the crash from that angry high would not be pretty. So with some prompting, I started talking, and instantly wanted to bawl my eyes out. And did cry some.
And then when the questioning turned from the 'explain how you are feeling' to the 'well, have you tried to do X in your job search, or what are the parameters you can do Y in ... I got very angry and yelled out in frustration, and went on verbal attack ...
You see Friends, I don't always like talking through the DEEP stuff. I'll give surface answers all day, but when you start to dig deep in conversation, I get very, VERY uncomfortable.
Later in the evening I sent this message to my friend... and I think it explains what I go through fairly well:
And then when the questioning turned from the 'explain how you are feeling' to the 'well, have you tried to do X in your job search, or what are the parameters you can do Y in ... I got very angry and yelled out in frustration, and went on verbal attack ...
You see Friends, I don't always like talking through the DEEP stuff. I'll give surface answers all day, but when you start to dig deep in conversation, I get very, VERY uncomfortable.
Later in the evening I sent this message to my friend... and I think it explains what I go through fairly well:
"It's very uncomfortable
for me to put into spoken words the hard 'truths' of my heart and mind
... I typically end up in tears and hysterically crying. I
am much better at verbally glazing over the tops of it, leaving it to be
interpreted. The digging, the prodding, the admitting to the places I go
in my mind & heart is embarassing
when spoken.
Give
me a journal, a key board, and time, and I can write it all out, in a
more easily digestible 'pretty' package that can make sense of the chaos
and depths of emotion ... and introspection. With
writing I don't have to hear the other person agreeing, or disagreeing,
or asking to have a point clarified. If I wanted to be clearer on it, I
would have done so in the writing .... 😛 In other words, through writing I don't have to hear the critique ...
To
speak about it, to be that vulnerable, is something that scares me
speechless. I admit it's a form of connection I yearn for, but also
scares me. Because what if when someone sees how potentially broken and
screwed up I am? What if they then walk away, or use it against me? Or in some ways, even scarier, what if they get it ?
That compassion is just as likely if not more likely to make me cry and sob ...And yet - I've come to realize, this is one of my challenges. To
honestly open up to others, to set my boundaries in my life, and then to
open up more to people, and let them know me, ME. And to share when I
can, because that is where the truer, more fulfilling connections are
made."
Sunday, August 4, 2013
I Confess
I confess, I have been lurking, reading other blogs, experiencing moments of inspiration. I have started typing about 4 entries over the past month or so, and started many more in my mind - yet each time, it just wasn't what I wanted to say. It starts well, then trails off into drivel.
Some of you know the journey, the experiences I have had in the past 6 months, some of you even know my life journey - those friends and family close to me. Some of you are new to Me, and could only begin to understand. To all of you, I feel I'm coming to a point where I want to share more of what has been incubating these past couple months.
It's no grandiose revelation of world domination, or jet setting to another country (although, travel is on my heart again...) No, its a more inclusive, quiet revealing that has been happening. I have many people to thank for their interest in my life, for their quiet and solid support. From friends and family who know me and know I need time to process and realize the things I'm thinking/saying and who know that eventually it will click and I'll act. For the friends & family who counseled me in worldly, self-experienced ways (Manda, I love you!, Mary L., Auntie Parker, Donna, Mum, Kat, Dad, Richard, Michelle, Lindsey, Emmi, Cherie) and those who shared the love and Word of God (Krystal, Cabrini, Mike, Tracy, Tarsha, Vinnie, Melanie, Shara, Mary, Dee, Arielle) - You were all there for me at some many points! And so many more people than I can possibly mention by name - so please know I mean "YOU!" And you continue to be there in all the big and small ways every day, in every way.
I started this Blog as a means to document my Journey through the loss of a Job and Boy Friend. I had grand ideas about this venture and started well, then it trailed off. I started doubting the relevance of my words, I had wanted it to be inspiration to others. How can something be inspirational when I felt like SHIT. When I had days (still have them) that I just didn't see the point of getting out of bed? That my life seemed to lack meaning or importance? How could I inspire others when I couldn't even inspire myself?
My first entry mentions that as I was driving away from the ICC on that faithful day, I KNEW I would find a job, it was just an internal truth then, and one that I believe even today. But along the way - I lost that truth, that conviction. I didn't realize then just how much I needed to decompress my life. I did not know then, how much my heart needed to release and heal. How much my mind and body needed time to process all that had happened, to release all the accumulated stress. How many false Truths I needed to recognize and see and understand. As I said earlier - It takes me a frustratingly long time (for me and others) to see, recognize, understand, and act on things - I'm a Taurus and highly emotional - I'm learning to accept this about myself ;)
Another aspect to all of this has been the HEART TRUTH that I have something other than (maybe with?) hospitality to do in life. It's this tugging, yearning, bursting purpose teasing at my heart and mind on a regular basis. I felt it in Grade School, in High School, in College... I felt it when I was sick with Mono in IL, when I wanted to FLEE from the job in Philly - some days wishing for an illness to take me out of work for weeks at a time so I could just NOT go to work. And then - I lost it for a few years between Philly and Lowell. It got buried beneath stress and tedium, and a sense of 'this is all my life is ... ' I lost sight of anything, everything but the day to day and the 'what to do this weekend'
Then the days following my lay off, it started to pop up again. I suddenly had this insight, "I can DO ANYTHING with my Life! I'm FREE!!!" I was reminded of the book I read in Philly called 'The Dream Giver' and another book by Lucado, 'Facing Your Giants' and the only book I have bought multiple copies of to give away, 'Sister Freaks' All revolving around facing those hard decisions in life to follow your dreams; trusting God (Creator, Divine, Allah, etc) with Faith that all will be OK and your dreams will come true - sometimes, usually, not even the way you thought they would.
But, what IS it? What IS this purpose? This Drive, this great ball of light that I'm supposed to accomplish? I went a bit OCD about it, from delving, to denial, to running from it. I decided to take the summer 'OFF' to allow myself time to explore things I thought I wanted to do in life. To relax - I even got a TAN!!! In looking back, it's what I needed. I hadn't taken a true vacation in ... ever since starting work at age 16. Trips home are not a vacation when bookended by flights in and out of state and mad dash visiting to everyone I wanted to see. Nor are quick weekends that also include driving 6+hrs in state to see everyone.
During this time (and still now) I avidly avoided anyone asking me, 'Do you have a job yet? Any new leads? What do you want to do? What are you doing for a search?' Honestly, I appreciate your concern & your interest, but when I have something to tell you (like now) I will. It made me (makes me) feel very unproductive and lazy to say, 'I'm taking a break...because I need it!' Although, it did get easier, and still is getting easier to own my action; as ultimately I am responsible for my own success.
And so, I worked on the book, "What Color is Your Parachute?" (I highly recommend it to EVERYONE!), I meditated, I journaled, I shadowed other jobs in Teaching & Banking. I interviewed people, and I prayed. I found myself drawn to God/Divine/Creator. I knew this tugging in my heart meant that I had a purpose in Life - but WHAT is it???? I became obsessed with making the 'RIGHT' choice for my next job - yet I still didn't (don't) know what that is. I feared making the wrong choice. It became a very all or nothing/ Right/Wrong attempt at job hunting - with a belief that if I made the 'wrong' choice, my life purpose would be null and void.
Please Note: DO NOT DO THIS TO YOURSELF!!! Please learn from me here, Do NOT believe that anything in your life has to be ALL or Nothing. It is truly about the journey and eventually every thing you pick up along the way will lend itself to your future. - Thank you Mary L. for the vision of the Quilt ;)
It has taken me a few months to release that fear. To understand (for the uptenth time in my life) that not making a choice is also a choice (Jodi, Vinnie, Manda - LOL yes, I hear you all in my mind). It took a lot of prayer and affirmations, and journaling and talking, to understand, and to release the paralyzing fear of going back to work. It's still a work in progress. I still have mornings, nights, afternoons where I sit and get trapped by racing thoughts and the daunting task of finding a job that I can be happy with, and feel fulfilled in.
I have found myself turning more and more to God/Creator/Divine in prayer and gratitude, meditations, & positive affirmations. I find myself trusting and being thankful for the things I have in my life. Daily I find myself reminded that I am provided for, and loved. It's been an incredible journey of letting go of fear again and again. To sit back and release the expectations of life and of myself to do the 'right' thing. And it's been heart wrenching at times to see some of the 'Truths/beliefs' I held onto so tightly ...
I have come to realize in a very heart wrenching way, that I have always identified myself by my Career. I have made what I do, who I am. That was and is a hard image and mind set to shake. It is one I know I will always gravitate to, but this time away has helped me realize that I am so much more than my job. I have Value outside my paid career. I have FAITH that I am more than my career. And that at the end of the day, and at the end of my life, I have faith that I will have made a positive contribution to the people in my life and to the Earth. That throughout my life, I will be able to affect long-lasting positive change. Some how, some way.
So where does all this bring me to today? A notebook full of personal revelations from the summer; pages outlining some very interesting and not so shocking aspirations; a fantastic Tan, and for the moment some peace and self acceptance! For a VERY long time, I had longed for time to just BE. To explore some interests in my life and time to spend with my family & friends. It was HARD to accept that I was blessed with that opportunity. I feel incredibly guilty even now saying this, because I know everyone of you yearns for similar things. Who am I to get what I asked for? Why me? I still don't know to this day - but I am learning to stop asking, and live with a heart of Gratitude. Because it was not always easy to sit and listen to my heart. It was not easy to sit with uncertainty, and its been hard to be grateful for something that goes against every social norm in our country. But I AM grateful, and through that gratitude, I have Faith that I will find and accept a job, when the time is right.
And for those of you sitting there saying, "Oh yeah so hard to just sleep in, and watch movies, and go to the beach... and Time spent finding yourself " - To you (and that critical judge in my mind) I say, you're right. There was a lot of fun to be had, time for decompressing and for awhile I admit, I really didn't want to go back to work - I dreaded it with paralyzing fear. There was incredible guilt throughout this time too, because I felt I should be working, and job hunting every minute - to be a Productive member of Society.
Then, I said 'To Hell with it!' and I did finally let myself enjoy those beach days, days to sleep in, to have fun, and see my family and know that I had time. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy any of it - because it's been GREAT!
And as for the job Hunt - The clock has (mostly) stopped ticking in my mind. I awake now with the thought, "I need to go to work" - and it is not coming from a place of fear or anxiety (loss of money) - but from a place of heart truth, of being ready to re-enter the work world. And yes, also from a place of boredom - and that driving urge of SELF PURPOSE.
So to the friends and family that told me to enjoy it, and cherish it - That's what I did. And what I still continue to do, as I ramp up again for round 2? 3? 4? of the job hunt. Cherish what I have today - because soon enough I will be back to work ;)
Up Next: Some of those notes I have compiled on 'What I want to be/do when I Grow Up!'
Some of you know the journey, the experiences I have had in the past 6 months, some of you even know my life journey - those friends and family close to me. Some of you are new to Me, and could only begin to understand. To all of you, I feel I'm coming to a point where I want to share more of what has been incubating these past couple months.
It's no grandiose revelation of world domination, or jet setting to another country (although, travel is on my heart again...) No, its a more inclusive, quiet revealing that has been happening. I have many people to thank for their interest in my life, for their quiet and solid support. From friends and family who know me and know I need time to process and realize the things I'm thinking/saying and who know that eventually it will click and I'll act. For the friends & family who counseled me in worldly, self-experienced ways (Manda, I love you!, Mary L., Auntie Parker, Donna, Mum, Kat, Dad, Richard, Michelle, Lindsey, Emmi, Cherie) and those who shared the love and Word of God (Krystal, Cabrini, Mike, Tracy, Tarsha, Vinnie, Melanie, Shara, Mary, Dee, Arielle) - You were all there for me at some many points! And so many more people than I can possibly mention by name - so please know I mean "YOU!" And you continue to be there in all the big and small ways every day, in every way.
I started this Blog as a means to document my Journey through the loss of a Job and Boy Friend. I had grand ideas about this venture and started well, then it trailed off. I started doubting the relevance of my words, I had wanted it to be inspiration to others. How can something be inspirational when I felt like SHIT. When I had days (still have them) that I just didn't see the point of getting out of bed? That my life seemed to lack meaning or importance? How could I inspire others when I couldn't even inspire myself?
My first entry mentions that as I was driving away from the ICC on that faithful day, I KNEW I would find a job, it was just an internal truth then, and one that I believe even today. But along the way - I lost that truth, that conviction. I didn't realize then just how much I needed to decompress my life. I did not know then, how much my heart needed to release and heal. How much my mind and body needed time to process all that had happened, to release all the accumulated stress. How many false Truths I needed to recognize and see and understand. As I said earlier - It takes me a frustratingly long time (for me and others) to see, recognize, understand, and act on things - I'm a Taurus and highly emotional - I'm learning to accept this about myself ;)
Another aspect to all of this has been the HEART TRUTH that I have something other than (maybe with?) hospitality to do in life. It's this tugging, yearning, bursting purpose teasing at my heart and mind on a regular basis. I felt it in Grade School, in High School, in College... I felt it when I was sick with Mono in IL, when I wanted to FLEE from the job in Philly - some days wishing for an illness to take me out of work for weeks at a time so I could just NOT go to work. And then - I lost it for a few years between Philly and Lowell. It got buried beneath stress and tedium, and a sense of 'this is all my life is ... ' I lost sight of anything, everything but the day to day and the 'what to do this weekend'
Then the days following my lay off, it started to pop up again. I suddenly had this insight, "I can DO ANYTHING with my Life! I'm FREE!!!" I was reminded of the book I read in Philly called 'The Dream Giver' and another book by Lucado, 'Facing Your Giants' and the only book I have bought multiple copies of to give away, 'Sister Freaks' All revolving around facing those hard decisions in life to follow your dreams; trusting God (Creator, Divine, Allah, etc) with Faith that all will be OK and your dreams will come true - sometimes, usually, not even the way you thought they would.
But, what IS it? What IS this purpose? This Drive, this great ball of light that I'm supposed to accomplish? I went a bit OCD about it, from delving, to denial, to running from it. I decided to take the summer 'OFF' to allow myself time to explore things I thought I wanted to do in life. To relax - I even got a TAN!!! In looking back, it's what I needed. I hadn't taken a true vacation in ... ever since starting work at age 16. Trips home are not a vacation when bookended by flights in and out of state and mad dash visiting to everyone I wanted to see. Nor are quick weekends that also include driving 6+hrs in state to see everyone.
During this time (and still now) I avidly avoided anyone asking me, 'Do you have a job yet? Any new leads? What do you want to do? What are you doing for a search?' Honestly, I appreciate your concern & your interest, but when I have something to tell you (like now) I will. It made me (makes me) feel very unproductive and lazy to say, 'I'm taking a break...because I need it!' Although, it did get easier, and still is getting easier to own my action; as ultimately I am responsible for my own success.
And so, I worked on the book, "What Color is Your Parachute?" (I highly recommend it to EVERYONE!), I meditated, I journaled, I shadowed other jobs in Teaching & Banking. I interviewed people, and I prayed. I found myself drawn to God/Divine/Creator. I knew this tugging in my heart meant that I had a purpose in Life - but WHAT is it???? I became obsessed with making the 'RIGHT' choice for my next job - yet I still didn't (don't) know what that is. I feared making the wrong choice. It became a very all or nothing/ Right/Wrong attempt at job hunting - with a belief that if I made the 'wrong' choice, my life purpose would be null and void.
Please Note: DO NOT DO THIS TO YOURSELF!!! Please learn from me here, Do NOT believe that anything in your life has to be ALL or Nothing. It is truly about the journey and eventually every thing you pick up along the way will lend itself to your future. - Thank you Mary L. for the vision of the Quilt ;)
It has taken me a few months to release that fear. To understand (for the uptenth time in my life) that not making a choice is also a choice (Jodi, Vinnie, Manda - LOL yes, I hear you all in my mind). It took a lot of prayer and affirmations, and journaling and talking, to understand, and to release the paralyzing fear of going back to work. It's still a work in progress. I still have mornings, nights, afternoons where I sit and get trapped by racing thoughts and the daunting task of finding a job that I can be happy with, and feel fulfilled in.
I have found myself turning more and more to God/Creator/Divine in prayer and gratitude, meditations, & positive affirmations. I find myself trusting and being thankful for the things I have in my life. Daily I find myself reminded that I am provided for, and loved. It's been an incredible journey of letting go of fear again and again. To sit back and release the expectations of life and of myself to do the 'right' thing. And it's been heart wrenching at times to see some of the 'Truths/beliefs' I held onto so tightly ...
I have come to realize in a very heart wrenching way, that I have always identified myself by my Career. I have made what I do, who I am. That was and is a hard image and mind set to shake. It is one I know I will always gravitate to, but this time away has helped me realize that I am so much more than my job. I have Value outside my paid career. I have FAITH that I am more than my career. And that at the end of the day, and at the end of my life, I have faith that I will have made a positive contribution to the people in my life and to the Earth. That throughout my life, I will be able to affect long-lasting positive change. Some how, some way.
So where does all this bring me to today? A notebook full of personal revelations from the summer; pages outlining some very interesting and not so shocking aspirations; a fantastic Tan, and for the moment some peace and self acceptance! For a VERY long time, I had longed for time to just BE. To explore some interests in my life and time to spend with my family & friends. It was HARD to accept that I was blessed with that opportunity. I feel incredibly guilty even now saying this, because I know everyone of you yearns for similar things. Who am I to get what I asked for? Why me? I still don't know to this day - but I am learning to stop asking, and live with a heart of Gratitude. Because it was not always easy to sit and listen to my heart. It was not easy to sit with uncertainty, and its been hard to be grateful for something that goes against every social norm in our country. But I AM grateful, and through that gratitude, I have Faith that I will find and accept a job, when the time is right.
And for those of you sitting there saying, "Oh yeah so hard to just sleep in, and watch movies, and go to the beach... and Time spent finding yourself " - To you (and that critical judge in my mind) I say, you're right. There was a lot of fun to be had, time for decompressing and for awhile I admit, I really didn't want to go back to work - I dreaded it with paralyzing fear. There was incredible guilt throughout this time too, because I felt I should be working, and job hunting every minute - to be a Productive member of Society.
Then, I said 'To Hell with it!' and I did finally let myself enjoy those beach days, days to sleep in, to have fun, and see my family and know that I had time. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy any of it - because it's been GREAT!
And as for the job Hunt - The clock has (mostly) stopped ticking in my mind. I awake now with the thought, "I need to go to work" - and it is not coming from a place of fear or anxiety (loss of money) - but from a place of heart truth, of being ready to re-enter the work world. And yes, also from a place of boredom - and that driving urge of SELF PURPOSE.
So to the friends and family that told me to enjoy it, and cherish it - That's what I did. And what I still continue to do, as I ramp up again for round 2? 3? 4? of the job hunt. Cherish what I have today - because soon enough I will be back to work ;)
Up Next: Some of those notes I have compiled on 'What I want to be/do when I Grow Up!'
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
I Have Enough
A practice in gratitude and self compassion.
I have enough money in my account - Thank you Lord.
I have enough food in my freezer & pantry - Thank you Lord.
I have enough clothes in my closet - Thank you Lord.
I have enough support with in my friends - Thank you Lord.
I have enough love from my family - Thank you Lord.
I have enough STUFF in my house - Thank you Lord.
I have compassion for others, and am learning compassion for myself - Thank you Lord.
I have enough time - to do the work you set out for me - Help me understand and embrace that Lord - you have provided me enough, enough of everything, help me embrace and understand this last bit ... because it seems like a clock is ticking, and yet is stuck at the same time. A paradoxical Limbo that I cannot quit explain or escape from.
I have enough - enough supplies to last me a month or two - or more depending on the item/product. I have enough. I do not need more - unless more is friends, happiness, joyful and peaceful moments. And that is a want, not a need. I have. Yes, oh yes that is the mantra running through my mind, and yet - it seems to slip and slither and wiggle away. It's a thought, a chant, that I am trying to embrace. In a world that focuses on more, more, more, I want to sit and be calm; embracing & understanding what I have. To fully enjoy and know that I have enough. Enough so much that I could/can give away some, and not feel depleted or wanting.
I have, so I can give. I have, so I can provide. Looking around my house, I wonder what I truly need. Looking around at society and friends, and family - How do we each live our lives - How can I live better, more simply? What am I willing and able to part with? And I wonder where is this urging, this wondering coming from. A change in my priorities, in my life style for certain...
I have enough. Thank you Father for putting this in my mind, in my heart. For reminding me that I have all that I need and that I will continually be provided for, that my needs will be met. Not always in the ways I think, but in the ways that best serve me and those around me.
And when I start to relax that grip on my mind, my future, I feel a sense of calm acceptance. I will find what my heart seeks, what I send up in prayer & meditation. The right job will come along.
I have faith.
Taurus - I have. Power of manifestation. It's a bit ironic when it slaps you in the face years later.
I have enough money in my account - Thank you Lord.
I have enough food in my freezer & pantry - Thank you Lord.
I have enough clothes in my closet - Thank you Lord.
I have enough support with in my friends - Thank you Lord.
I have enough love from my family - Thank you Lord.
I have enough STUFF in my house - Thank you Lord.
I have compassion for others, and am learning compassion for myself - Thank you Lord.
I have enough time - to do the work you set out for me - Help me understand and embrace that Lord - you have provided me enough, enough of everything, help me embrace and understand this last bit ... because it seems like a clock is ticking, and yet is stuck at the same time. A paradoxical Limbo that I cannot quit explain or escape from.
I have enough - enough supplies to last me a month or two - or more depending on the item/product. I have enough. I do not need more - unless more is friends, happiness, joyful and peaceful moments. And that is a want, not a need. I have. Yes, oh yes that is the mantra running through my mind, and yet - it seems to slip and slither and wiggle away. It's a thought, a chant, that I am trying to embrace. In a world that focuses on more, more, more, I want to sit and be calm; embracing & understanding what I have. To fully enjoy and know that I have enough. Enough so much that I could/can give away some, and not feel depleted or wanting.
I have, so I can give. I have, so I can provide. Looking around my house, I wonder what I truly need. Looking around at society and friends, and family - How do we each live our lives - How can I live better, more simply? What am I willing and able to part with? And I wonder where is this urging, this wondering coming from. A change in my priorities, in my life style for certain...
I have enough. Thank you Father for putting this in my mind, in my heart. For reminding me that I have all that I need and that I will continually be provided for, that my needs will be met. Not always in the ways I think, but in the ways that best serve me and those around me.
And when I start to relax that grip on my mind, my future, I feel a sense of calm acceptance. I will find what my heart seeks, what I send up in prayer & meditation. The right job will come along.
I have faith.
Taurus - I have. Power of manifestation. It's a bit ironic when it slaps you in the face years later.
Monday, July 1, 2013
Community
It's been awhile since I have written. It's not for lack of wanting, or even for topics to discuss, but as a cousin once said of her own blog, sometimes there is too much feeling, too much to express through words. Especially those that are made public.
Community
noun, plural com·mu·ni·ties.
It's been on my mind a lot recently. For as long as a month or more. I keep coming back to this concept, this idea. What is community? What is MY definition of community? Does it need to be people always within easy proximity to me? Does the quality and/or quantity of the relationship make a difference, to the number of people in proximity?
Community
noun, plural com·mu·ni·ties.
1. a social group of any size whose members reside in a specific locality, share government, and often have a common cultural and historical heritage.
2. a locality inhabited by such a group.
3. a social, religious, occupational, or other group sharing common characteristics or interests and perceived or perceiving itself as distinct in some respect from the larger society within which it exists (usually preceded by the ): the business community; the community of scholars.
4. a group of associated nations sharing common interests or a common heritage: the community of Western Europe.
5. Ecclesiastical . a group of men or women leading a common life according to a rule.
It's been on my mind a lot recently. For as long as a month or more. I keep coming back to this concept, this idea. What is community? What is MY definition of community? Does it need to be people always within easy proximity to me? Does the quality and/or quantity of the relationship make a difference, to the number of people in proximity?
Is this desire to move 'home', to Maine, a desire for the community of family present? Or is it a fleeing from change, from the transition I am still going through? Because, when I return to my adult life, the one I have made outside of Maine, I realize I DO have a community...
It may not always be close by or readily available according to my perception and need. It may not always be the intimate bond I share with some of my old gold friends. And it's not blood family. But the community I have, the community I am growing, is unique and so in-tune with who I am. As I have grown, and traveled, so too have I amassed an incredible web of friends, colleagues, and my own 'adopted' family.
Friends whom I can call or text at any time, and heaven forbid I don't answer when they reply minutes, hours, or the next day - because they WILL respond to ensure I'm OK. Thank you, by the way, to all of you on my SOS list ;) you know who you are.
Friends I have made in the past few years, roommates, friends of friends slowly filling out my new 'crew.' Colleagues, staff, managers who have become friends, and who have my best interest at heart and randomly check-in to see what is new.
Friends from college, high school, grade school, who still chat and catch up. And the friends, those few crazy friends from the waaaaay back days of gaming, some whom I've met, and some whom I have not, and yet the bond we share is still there and just a message away.
And the new people I am meeting, through classes, workshops, and common interests. Spirituality, TaeKwon Do, Raw Food, Meetup.com.
Community. Connections. Like all things in life, you get what you put in to it. If I were to move back to Maine, I would miss the connections I have made here. I have made these same connections elsewhere, Illinois, Philadelphia, ... SNHU, BHS ... and I hope I will have the chance to make them again, and again, and again.
I guess, what I'm trying to say, is it has taken me awhile to see that I DO have a community here. It may not fit the description and definition I was previously using in my mind. It did not fit my expectation - but I DO have one. I have to remember to USE it, to reach out and touch someone - LOL To use my voice, my words.
Who is your community? How do you connect with others when you are feeling all alone and adrift?
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Job Search: Part 2
I feel as though I'm starting all over again. Going into month 4 of unemployment, and for the last 2-3 weeks, I've been laid out straight with illness! That 'break' really interrupted the flow I had and now, I'm feeling a bit stuck.
The days are getting warmer, the trees are budding, and I feel sluggish, losing ambition to go job hunting. Passing up an opportunity that was not a good fit for me has also set me back a bit. I hate to admit it, but I like having my days to myself, and for the most part enjoy taking each day as it comes. But I also know I need to get back to work, doing something society considers productive.
So, I will give myself the rest of this week to rest and get over the last of the coughing, and dependance on my inhaler, and then next week, I start attacking the job hunt again. I need to get back into the game before too much more time elapses. I still feel hope that the right job is out there, I just need to clarify what I want, so I can go get it. I have even been having dreams that I'm at work, a new place, and am doing well. Now just to find it in my waking life.
So that's where I am. I am grateful for the abundance in my career, and field of interest. And I am grateful for the abundance of positive relationships in my life :)
The days are getting warmer, the trees are budding, and I feel sluggish, losing ambition to go job hunting. Passing up an opportunity that was not a good fit for me has also set me back a bit. I hate to admit it, but I like having my days to myself, and for the most part enjoy taking each day as it comes. But I also know I need to get back to work, doing something society considers productive.
So, I will give myself the rest of this week to rest and get over the last of the coughing, and dependance on my inhaler, and then next week, I start attacking the job hunt again. I need to get back into the game before too much more time elapses. I still feel hope that the right job is out there, I just need to clarify what I want, so I can go get it. I have even been having dreams that I'm at work, a new place, and am doing well. Now just to find it in my waking life.
So that's where I am. I am grateful for the abundance in my career, and field of interest. And I am grateful for the abundance of positive relationships in my life :)
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Changes in the Heart
My mind has been spinning of late with ideas about value, and money, and my dreams for the future. Discerning those dreams, the next job, what I want out of life in the next week, month, 3months, 6months, etc. And finances as always have been on my heart. To be debt free, and be able to breath more easily, and have money in savings for security.
And I realize, I also have had this line running through my mind - thanks to my cousin's blog:
"Hello God, what do you have planned for me?"
I pray (getting better), I meditate (slacking lately), I try to stay positive and find the silver linings. I believe in God (always). I may not have the best church & Bible background, but I do have faith. And I know God has a plan for me. To use the words of others, because it best describes my situation right now - God has placed some interesting thoughts and ideas on my heart recently. My job search is being momentarily side lined to get my finances in order, and get on a PLAN, a *gasp* Budget, one that will radically change my life in the short term, to meet some long term debt-free goals.
"Live like no one else, so later you can live like no one else" ~ Dave Ramsey
It's scary to think about, to envision. But it's also kind of exhilarating to think of the debt going away. Credit cards are evil. Student Loans are a way of life. Other lines of credit, car payments etc - all gone! And to know that those are gone - is amazing. My current plan is estimating completion by 2017. 4 years away. This is a very conservative plan, and it is allowing for some of my current habits to continue: dining out, and a movie at the theater or a new book. - If I cut these as well, I could potentially speed this up by 6 months or a year. And this is based on my unemployment income. When I do go back to work, I can hopefully have this all paid off in 2-2.5 years!! Or sooner - depending on the intensity.
This idea has been percolating for a few months now. Friends told me about the plan last November, and I've been tossing it around ever since. A new aspect that I didn't think about was the charitable giving aspect. The book stresses Give, save, spend. The first line item of every worksheet is Charitable giving.
I love giving :) That's not the issue... It's who to give to? What to give? How much? I thank my other Cousin & her husband for her help in discerning where to start. With what I can gladly and willing give. No percentage to start - just what I feel free and clear to give. They gave me a website to look at and will be suggesting a few others soon.
So, That's where I am today. My heart & mind are leading me in a new(er) direction, and are helping me organize my life in ways that have been brewing for awhile.
Physically I feel better - not healed, but better. And emotionally/Mentally - I'm in a much better place. Thank you to all the friends and family who have talked to me, supported me, and continue offering encouragement and re-lighting the way and the inspiration to keep going, and that yes - it will all work out, and I WILL find a job.
"Hello God, what do you have planned for me?"
And I realize, I also have had this line running through my mind - thanks to my cousin's blog:
"Hello God, what do you have planned for me?"
I pray (getting better), I meditate (slacking lately), I try to stay positive and find the silver linings. I believe in God (always). I may not have the best church & Bible background, but I do have faith. And I know God has a plan for me. To use the words of others, because it best describes my situation right now - God has placed some interesting thoughts and ideas on my heart recently. My job search is being momentarily side lined to get my finances in order, and get on a PLAN, a *gasp* Budget, one that will radically change my life in the short term, to meet some long term debt-free goals.
"Live like no one else, so later you can live like no one else" ~ Dave Ramsey
It's scary to think about, to envision. But it's also kind of exhilarating to think of the debt going away. Credit cards are evil. Student Loans are a way of life. Other lines of credit, car payments etc - all gone! And to know that those are gone - is amazing. My current plan is estimating completion by 2017. 4 years away. This is a very conservative plan, and it is allowing for some of my current habits to continue: dining out, and a movie at the theater or a new book. - If I cut these as well, I could potentially speed this up by 6 months or a year. And this is based on my unemployment income. When I do go back to work, I can hopefully have this all paid off in 2-2.5 years!! Or sooner - depending on the intensity.
This idea has been percolating for a few months now. Friends told me about the plan last November, and I've been tossing it around ever since. A new aspect that I didn't think about was the charitable giving aspect. The book stresses Give, save, spend. The first line item of every worksheet is Charitable giving.
I love giving :) That's not the issue... It's who to give to? What to give? How much? I thank my other Cousin & her husband for her help in discerning where to start. With what I can gladly and willing give. No percentage to start - just what I feel free and clear to give. They gave me a website to look at and will be suggesting a few others soon.
So, That's where I am today. My heart & mind are leading me in a new(er) direction, and are helping me organize my life in ways that have been brewing for awhile.
Physically I feel better - not healed, but better. And emotionally/Mentally - I'm in a much better place. Thank you to all the friends and family who have talked to me, supported me, and continue offering encouragement and re-lighting the way and the inspiration to keep going, and that yes - it will all work out, and I WILL find a job.
"Hello God, what do you have planned for me?"
Friday, May 3, 2013
Following the Spiral Down
Many blogs, articles, and memes have been circulating about the false interconnectedness of people through the internet. These documents show a potential decrease in ones ability to truly biologically, and psychologically connect with another person. How our brains slowly stop learning how to read anothers facial expressions, and thus not fully connect with them.
I am feeling that very keenly right now. 9 days of being sick. Of seeing people in small spurts at the store or Dr.'s office. I have spoken on the phone, online, but truly, I've not seen people to interact with them. And it's starting to weigh on me. I just want to chat in person with someone - visit!! Go for a walk (while still being able to breath). Watch a movie in a theater. I want to be healthy again - but this illness is not allowing me that pleasure. I feel tired, and worn out and so very, very sore from coughing.
And confused. Defeated. At wits end with the job search. The interviews all went so well. The job seems like a great fit for skills I never thought of marketing. But, starting only with 5 days total of sick and/or PTO? At more than a 1/3 less than my previous salary. That hurts and makes me want to cry.
I keep hearing his words, 'You are waiting for everything to be perfect, Tia. Nothing is ever going to be perfect. You just have to go with it, and live life.'
Yet, how do I stop feeling as if I am worth more. That I know I am worth more. How do I come to terms with taking steps back. Are they steps back? Is it ok? I feel like I owe my mentors more, that I am to do so much more with my 'potential.' Am I ok, with having less? Yes, I'm ok with making less than my previous Salary. I'm ok with less than my previous 4 weeks of vacation. I even ok with less than the 12 days of PTO I had banked. But I think I'm coming to realize my initial goals are 2 weeks of vacation, at least 3-6 PTO/sick days, holidays paid, health/vision/dental, 401k, and you know, with that, I'm actually ok with a hefty pay decrease. I would prefer just $10-15k less, but I would go a bit lower.
And a job that offers me a good work life balance - preferably day shift, weekends or at least 1 weekend day off. No crazy late night phone calls, and a chance to learn more, using the skills I have acquired while adding to them. Sounds easy right? Oh, and I would like to start a job healthy. Yes, to be able to breath and not cough a lung or stomach out would be fabulous.
So I keep looking. I keep hunting. And I hope, HOPE, that I can find my next job. And that I will be comfortable with it. That I won't feel as though I'm letting anyone down, and that I can start to discern what I want to do with my lie, AFTER or even while I'm working. Because right now, I'm feeling a little down, and I'm trying to see the sunlight ...
I am feeling that very keenly right now. 9 days of being sick. Of seeing people in small spurts at the store or Dr.'s office. I have spoken on the phone, online, but truly, I've not seen people to interact with them. And it's starting to weigh on me. I just want to chat in person with someone - visit!! Go for a walk (while still being able to breath). Watch a movie in a theater. I want to be healthy again - but this illness is not allowing me that pleasure. I feel tired, and worn out and so very, very sore from coughing.
And confused. Defeated. At wits end with the job search. The interviews all went so well. The job seems like a great fit for skills I never thought of marketing. But, starting only with 5 days total of sick and/or PTO? At more than a 1/3 less than my previous salary. That hurts and makes me want to cry.
I keep hearing his words, 'You are waiting for everything to be perfect, Tia. Nothing is ever going to be perfect. You just have to go with it, and live life.'
Yet, how do I stop feeling as if I am worth more. That I know I am worth more. How do I come to terms with taking steps back. Are they steps back? Is it ok? I feel like I owe my mentors more, that I am to do so much more with my 'potential.' Am I ok, with having less? Yes, I'm ok with making less than my previous Salary. I'm ok with less than my previous 4 weeks of vacation. I even ok with less than the 12 days of PTO I had banked. But I think I'm coming to realize my initial goals are 2 weeks of vacation, at least 3-6 PTO/sick days, holidays paid, health/vision/dental, 401k, and you know, with that, I'm actually ok with a hefty pay decrease. I would prefer just $10-15k less, but I would go a bit lower.
And a job that offers me a good work life balance - preferably day shift, weekends or at least 1 weekend day off. No crazy late night phone calls, and a chance to learn more, using the skills I have acquired while adding to them. Sounds easy right? Oh, and I would like to start a job healthy. Yes, to be able to breath and not cough a lung or stomach out would be fabulous.
So I keep looking. I keep hunting. And I hope, HOPE, that I can find my next job. And that I will be comfortable with it. That I won't feel as though I'm letting anyone down, and that I can start to discern what I want to do with my lie, AFTER or even while I'm working. Because right now, I'm feeling a little down, and I'm trying to see the sunlight ...
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Values
Value:
1. relative worth, merit, or importance: the value of a college education; the value of a queen in chess.
2. monetary or material worth, as in commerce or trade: This piece of land has greatly increased in value.
3. the worth of something in terms of the amount of other things for which it can be exchanged or in terms of some medium of exchange.
4. equivalent worth or return in money, material, services, etc.: to give value for value received.
- From Dictionary.com
What is my personal value? And what do I value? What are my values in life?
These are the questions I'm struggling with at the moment. The answers are critical to my job search and with the companies at which I interview.
I know I am a valuable employee, manager, co-worker. I bring a great managerial and experiential skill set to the table, coupled with compassion, understanding, a sense of urgency, and a dedication and commitment to success. But how does one put a price tag on that? What I feel is reasonable, may not be to any potential employer.
What do I value outside of money? In all honesty, money is important, we know this. It is the thing, for right or wrong, that society uses to judge us - is s/he successful? Well yes, he's bringing in $70k+ a year, just bought a new house/car/dog, etc. Or is this just in my mind? Am I so out of touch? Do I give in too easily to the voice in my mind that says success is only based on title and salary?
I've been struggling with this debate for a while. Long before I lost my job. I was getting burned out, feeling unappreciated, and yes - in some ways unchallenged (in the end), and ... I hate to admit it, over-compensated. But my life had adjusted to my income, so down sizing felt painful; yet I knew ALL of my friends and family had fulfilling lives, bring in much, much less than I. So I know it's possible.
A part of me has longed for a simple job - or one that is challenging enough, and satisfying. A job in which I can help others, learn, and grow into a better person. A simple(r) life. Time to go outside and enjoy the sun. Time to read a book and be alone. Time to spend with my significant other. Time to FIND my significant other. Time to spend with my family, my parents, who are not going to be here forever. It's just me you know, no brothers or sisters, just me and my crazy clan of parents ;)
So, when I go on interviews, and we get to the money question, I know what I need to survive. I know what I WAS making, and I know there is a HUGE gap in between. Which brings me back to my value as an employee. What is it? WAS I overpaid at my last job? I'm comfortable coming down from that number, but how much?
Yesterday - as horribly sick as I am - I went on my 3rd interview with the same employer, for a new kind of job. A job that will give me time to BE. Accounting/HR at a hotel. I had done a little research, I thought I knew the acceptable range of pay. And was crushed by the number. I took a moment and asked about the rest of the package. Health/Vision/Dental/401k (no match yet), 1 wk vaca after 1 year. 2 wks after 2 years. PTO after 1 year. No negotiating time off.
Done. My last card for this job was taken away - I had hoped to negotiate more time off if the salary wasn't where I needed/wanted it to be. I counter offered on the salary, asking for at LEAST another $4k, which would bring me to my rock bottom range of acceptable income. They agreed to consider and get back to me by Friday. I try to balance this knowledge with the fact that I come into this job with no direct accounting experience, but I DO have HR experience - more than I care to admit. I also come in with 9+ years of extensive Management & Hotel/staff/guest experience And I try to remember, TRY, that I'm leaving a company from which I spent 9+ years, building salary and vacation time.
This job will bring with it new experiences, new marketable skill sets, and could open doors to other avenues. Accounting & HR are fairly universal. It offers a fairly regular Mon-Fri, day shift-ish schedule, with limited to no at home phone calls. No staff reporting directly to me, but with my ability to support ALL staff and managers. Unlimited projects. And the chance to LEARN new things. And, they really do want me on their team. Everyone I spoke to was excited about the possibility of me coming aboard.
So what do I value? The money. The vacation time? The regular schedule. What do I fear? A part of me fears feeling resentment for being undervalued... A part of me is stuck on the 'want' of more vacation time, especially as they might come in on the LOWEST end of my range, or lower, if they cant do the $4k bump. Do I accept what I'm offered, and use this as a stepping stone to the next option? The whole VAC/PTO time thing seems to be a new situation emerging in the market. Companies are giving less and making you wait to use that little bit of time. So will I run into this elsewhere. Will I find another job that offers this unique chance to learn and grow - with a team that seems as friendly, welcoming, and engaging?
What do I value? What will I compromise? Will I have to?
Friday, April 26, 2013
The Job Search & Choices
It's Spring! A time of re-birth! And my own personal New Year, being the April Taurus baby that I am.
It's also been approximately 1.5 years since my last bad chest cold - and I'm sitting here in my living room, with the smell of eucalyptus permeating the air, a varied assortment of pills and herbs lined up along my bedside, and Juice, water, and tea at the ready. Oh, yes, and my inhaler. 2 days before my birthday; 1 day before one of my oldest friend's wedding day, and I'm home, lightheaded and fighting a chest cold before it goes full blown. Prednisone is awesome, but I really prefer the non-bloated look, so I'm trying to avoid it.
And with all of this, I have the dance of 2 job possibilities circling through my mind, keeping me awake at night. Yes, that's right - the job fairy has arrived, and I have 2 possibilities to consider. Neither of which is the job I have been advertising for myself. I thought, oh yes, I thought I wanted to be an Assistant General Manager of a limited service hotel.
Even though my research and personal homework has shown that I would be best suited as a counselor, teacher, social worker, life coach, etc. A position in which I work independently, helping others see the best in themselves and helping them through life's troubles. But, career changing is not highly advised right now. With so many individuals are out of work, competing for jobs in their own fields - if you try changing, you are up against many with experience and developed skill sets. So I decided to begrudgingly stay in the hospitality field. And figured the next logical step would be AGM, or even GM...
Yet, I also applied for some sales jobs - even had interviews. And found they wanted to pay me the same rate I received just out of college - 9 long, blood, sweat, and tear-filled years ago. I thought the sales world would be exciting, and fun, and would offer a great change of pace. Then after some thought, and speaking with a GM in the field (outside of ARAMARK), I found I was even more compelled to stay in my field of choice. I actually got excited about it. I put the thought of sales out of my mind, and focused on finding Operational positions as an AGM & GM.
Weeks went by. I attended many classes at the Career Center. I crafted new versions of my resume. I even did more market research trying to find that 'perfect fit' in a company whom I could approach. Following advice from my classes - I created my very own business cards and the day after receiving them, I attended a networking event on my own! Low and behold - I received a call the next day ... for a SALES job! UGH! Why? Why oh WHY Sales again?
I took the call. I spoke to the Director of Sales. I wasn't overly enthused about the prospect, but I didn't want to turn down an opportunity. It's now going on 3 full months without a job! And this was a lead! Thankfully my honesty and genuine nature won out, and I was granted a face to face interview the next day. I'm so glad it worked out!! The building is fashioned after a castle. The team is amazing, and my interview was blessed. I met with the GM just a few days ago. And during that meeting was presented with the option of Accounting/HR.
Meanwhile - other opportunities have presented them selves as well! GM with Sodexo, and AGM with Springhill Suites. And from the Hospitality conference, an offer to forward my resume to some other folks!
Options. Choices. A chance to change my future path. During the phone interview for AGM, I felt my soul die just a bit. Wither up, and retreat. I do not want to work 60-80hrs a week anymore. I do not want to be the sole person responsible for the initial success or failure of a property. So AGM / GM ... maybe not so much.
But sales - could be interesting. And the Accounting/HR position - calls to some of my strengths and interests in a way I never knew existed. To be offered a position that could help me balance my life, and still allow me to assist others, and offer support to the property. YAY! And to have 2! different leaders acknowledge my potential, without any solid experience to back me. Most fortunate indeed.
So Choices. Options. Potential offers. My 3rd interview just the day after my birthday!
Let's hope this cold clears up by then! Here's to good fortune! And the beginning of my new year - spring! When new life, and possibilities are birthed ;)
Choices, Chances, Changes:
You must make a choice to take a chance, or your life will never change!
It's also been approximately 1.5 years since my last bad chest cold - and I'm sitting here in my living room, with the smell of eucalyptus permeating the air, a varied assortment of pills and herbs lined up along my bedside, and Juice, water, and tea at the ready. Oh, yes, and my inhaler. 2 days before my birthday; 1 day before one of my oldest friend's wedding day, and I'm home, lightheaded and fighting a chest cold before it goes full blown. Prednisone is awesome, but I really prefer the non-bloated look, so I'm trying to avoid it.
And with all of this, I have the dance of 2 job possibilities circling through my mind, keeping me awake at night. Yes, that's right - the job fairy has arrived, and I have 2 possibilities to consider. Neither of which is the job I have been advertising for myself. I thought, oh yes, I thought I wanted to be an Assistant General Manager of a limited service hotel.
Even though my research and personal homework has shown that I would be best suited as a counselor, teacher, social worker, life coach, etc. A position in which I work independently, helping others see the best in themselves and helping them through life's troubles. But, career changing is not highly advised right now. With so many individuals are out of work, competing for jobs in their own fields - if you try changing, you are up against many with experience and developed skill sets. So I decided to begrudgingly stay in the hospitality field. And figured the next logical step would be AGM, or even GM...
Yet, I also applied for some sales jobs - even had interviews. And found they wanted to pay me the same rate I received just out of college - 9 long, blood, sweat, and tear-filled years ago. I thought the sales world would be exciting, and fun, and would offer a great change of pace. Then after some thought, and speaking with a GM in the field (outside of ARAMARK), I found I was even more compelled to stay in my field of choice. I actually got excited about it. I put the thought of sales out of my mind, and focused on finding Operational positions as an AGM & GM.
Weeks went by. I attended many classes at the Career Center. I crafted new versions of my resume. I even did more market research trying to find that 'perfect fit' in a company whom I could approach. Following advice from my classes - I created my very own business cards and the day after receiving them, I attended a networking event on my own! Low and behold - I received a call the next day ... for a SALES job! UGH! Why? Why oh WHY Sales again?
I took the call. I spoke to the Director of Sales. I wasn't overly enthused about the prospect, but I didn't want to turn down an opportunity. It's now going on 3 full months without a job! And this was a lead! Thankfully my honesty and genuine nature won out, and I was granted a face to face interview the next day. I'm so glad it worked out!! The building is fashioned after a castle. The team is amazing, and my interview was blessed. I met with the GM just a few days ago. And during that meeting was presented with the option of Accounting/HR.
Meanwhile - other opportunities have presented them selves as well! GM with Sodexo, and AGM with Springhill Suites. And from the Hospitality conference, an offer to forward my resume to some other folks!
Options. Choices. A chance to change my future path. During the phone interview for AGM, I felt my soul die just a bit. Wither up, and retreat. I do not want to work 60-80hrs a week anymore. I do not want to be the sole person responsible for the initial success or failure of a property. So AGM / GM ... maybe not so much.
But sales - could be interesting. And the Accounting/HR position - calls to some of my strengths and interests in a way I never knew existed. To be offered a position that could help me balance my life, and still allow me to assist others, and offer support to the property. YAY! And to have 2! different leaders acknowledge my potential, without any solid experience to back me. Most fortunate indeed.
So Choices. Options. Potential offers. My 3rd interview just the day after my birthday!
Let's hope this cold clears up by then! Here's to good fortune! And the beginning of my new year - spring! When new life, and possibilities are birthed ;)
Choices, Chances, Changes:
You must make a choice to take a chance, or your life will never change!
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Time
Time is definitely something of a mystery. At first, each day seemed like a year, each week a lifetime. So many life altering steps ocurring in succession. So many personal break-throughs and steps of personal progress tumbling one after the next.
And then, I'm in a class about the job search process and I'm writing 3.21.13 on my notes. Its been 2!!! Months. 8 weeks. Since my life so suddenly changed and I start panicking! I'm still unemployed! I've not yet found a job ... I'm still not 100% sure what I want to do ... And I'm not as sad as I once was.
Time. It's taken time. I have set-backs on the personal front. Confusion and more heart ache. But also healing. And as I heal there, I can spend more quality time on my job search. I have re-done my resume again. I have done market research. I'm working on my own business cards. Who knew interviews or informational meetings would feel so awkward without having a card to hand over.
I've visited friends! I've gone home! I've spent more time out of my apartment than I ever thought I would have. And I've spent some quality time closed in as well. I've started meditating again, really truly just sitting with myself. Remembering what that care-free feeling actually FEELS like.
And with that I have come to hope. Hope that the RIGHT job is out there. That my confidence will STAY with me. That I DO actually know what the hell I'm talking about and I CAN succeed - without being a self sacrificing work a holic, because really, I don't want that life! I have found some balance, some interests in this time, and I LIKE them! And a part of me fears going back to work, because this time off is really rather fun :) It embarrasses me to say that, but now that I have found things to do during the day, I like the free scheduling and time with friends, and days off just to me. But I know that's not reality and I must get back to the work force.
This week I have 3 classes, 2 informational interviews, and time spent in the lab finishing my business cards, and I WILL finish at least 1 approach letter. I don't want just any job. I want a job I think I will actually WANT to go to. That is actually a bit harder to find that I originally thought. I also want a job that pays well, and I'm quickly realizing that I was incredibly compensated at my previous workplace. Largely due to the fact that I was wonderfully paid in Philly before transferring to Lowell, but still. The Merrimack Valley does not pay nearly what I thought it would. I'm prepared to take a pay cut. I wasn't prepared to consider going back to the salary I started at 9 years ago when I graduated. So I have had to reconsider quite a few things through my search and interviews ...
So that's where I stand now. Time has started healing me. I have taken control of a few things and try my hardest to stay positive. In classes and at the Career Center in general, I feel inspired and energized. I try to take that with me as drive home, and try not to lose focus. So far, home is winning that battle, and my focus goes out the door. But I have also been working on more than just my job and my healing heart. My knee is stronger, my back has stopped tingling. I have fruits and veggies in the fridge. I'm walking outdoors again. I have started drinking more water - Let me re-phrase that, I have started drinking water again. And I try not to think too seriously about the future. It will come more quickly than I am ready for, and I truly want to experience THIS moment, and love it.
Time.
It's dragging, it's fleeting, it's ticking by second by second, and I can only change how I live it and remember it.
And then, I'm in a class about the job search process and I'm writing 3.21.13 on my notes. Its been 2!!! Months. 8 weeks. Since my life so suddenly changed and I start panicking! I'm still unemployed! I've not yet found a job ... I'm still not 100% sure what I want to do ... And I'm not as sad as I once was.
Time. It's taken time. I have set-backs on the personal front. Confusion and more heart ache. But also healing. And as I heal there, I can spend more quality time on my job search. I have re-done my resume again. I have done market research. I'm working on my own business cards. Who knew interviews or informational meetings would feel so awkward without having a card to hand over.
I've visited friends! I've gone home! I've spent more time out of my apartment than I ever thought I would have. And I've spent some quality time closed in as well. I've started meditating again, really truly just sitting with myself. Remembering what that care-free feeling actually FEELS like.
And with that I have come to hope. Hope that the RIGHT job is out there. That my confidence will STAY with me. That I DO actually know what the hell I'm talking about and I CAN succeed - without being a self sacrificing work a holic, because really, I don't want that life! I have found some balance, some interests in this time, and I LIKE them! And a part of me fears going back to work, because this time off is really rather fun :) It embarrasses me to say that, but now that I have found things to do during the day, I like the free scheduling and time with friends, and days off just to me. But I know that's not reality and I must get back to the work force.
This week I have 3 classes, 2 informational interviews, and time spent in the lab finishing my business cards, and I WILL finish at least 1 approach letter. I don't want just any job. I want a job I think I will actually WANT to go to. That is actually a bit harder to find that I originally thought. I also want a job that pays well, and I'm quickly realizing that I was incredibly compensated at my previous workplace. Largely due to the fact that I was wonderfully paid in Philly before transferring to Lowell, but still. The Merrimack Valley does not pay nearly what I thought it would. I'm prepared to take a pay cut. I wasn't prepared to consider going back to the salary I started at 9 years ago when I graduated. So I have had to reconsider quite a few things through my search and interviews ...
So that's where I stand now. Time has started healing me. I have taken control of a few things and try my hardest to stay positive. In classes and at the Career Center in general, I feel inspired and energized. I try to take that with me as drive home, and try not to lose focus. So far, home is winning that battle, and my focus goes out the door. But I have also been working on more than just my job and my healing heart. My knee is stronger, my back has stopped tingling. I have fruits and veggies in the fridge. I'm walking outdoors again. I have started drinking more water - Let me re-phrase that, I have started drinking water again. And I try not to think too seriously about the future. It will come more quickly than I am ready for, and I truly want to experience THIS moment, and love it.
Time.
It's dragging, it's fleeting, it's ticking by second by second, and I can only change how I live it and remember it.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Progress
Before I go for the night: A note on Progress
I AM healing. In my own way. I re-read my Blog and I can see the healing steps in each of my entries. Moments captured that give an insight to the progress I build upon each day.
I have a new resume! I am taking classes at the Lowell Career Center. I am utilizing their FREE resources to understand the job market and to learn about any new possibilities for my next job or career.
My knee pain is virtually gone (for the moment!) and my back tingling is limited and under much better control. I have figured out that my futon needs to go, so I have also been hunting for new SUPPORTIVE furniture. I have Physical Therapy 2-3 times a week to ensure I will be OK in the future.
I am starting to walk each day again, and I can feel myself getting stronger.
I have been on a couple interviews and those give me confidence that I will re-join the workforce again, when the time and job are right. These interviews have also helped clarify what I do and don't want in a job.
I have started planning the TKD December Awards Banquet with my friend Vicki. It's great to be the meeting room customer for a change ;)
I'm not completely decided on my continuation of TKD just yet. There are many pros and cons to be weighed out. For now - I am suspending my membership for a couple months to heal my knee, and strengthen it and my back.
I have some goals each and every day, week, month. I am waking up early again, and getting out of the house. I am seeing friends - my social calendar is busier than it has been in a long time! I am actually maintaining active friendships.
And I need to recognize my own progress. It does not have to match any one else's. It is mine, and I own it with Pride. I HAVE done a lot. Others may not see it, it may not be tangible - but in my world - my knowledge and understanding and work are HUGE. I appreciate the steps I have been able to take. The PROGRESS I have made.
Thought for the Night:
"Beautiful Pictures are developed from negatives in a dark room ...
So if you see darkness in your life, be assured that a beautiful picture is being prepared."
I AM healing. In my own way. I re-read my Blog and I can see the healing steps in each of my entries. Moments captured that give an insight to the progress I build upon each day.
I have a new resume! I am taking classes at the Lowell Career Center. I am utilizing their FREE resources to understand the job market and to learn about any new possibilities for my next job or career.
My knee pain is virtually gone (for the moment!) and my back tingling is limited and under much better control. I have figured out that my futon needs to go, so I have also been hunting for new SUPPORTIVE furniture. I have Physical Therapy 2-3 times a week to ensure I will be OK in the future.
I am starting to walk each day again, and I can feel myself getting stronger.
I have been on a couple interviews and those give me confidence that I will re-join the workforce again, when the time and job are right. These interviews have also helped clarify what I do and don't want in a job.
I have started planning the TKD December Awards Banquet with my friend Vicki. It's great to be the meeting room customer for a change ;)
I'm not completely decided on my continuation of TKD just yet. There are many pros and cons to be weighed out. For now - I am suspending my membership for a couple months to heal my knee, and strengthen it and my back.
I have some goals each and every day, week, month. I am waking up early again, and getting out of the house. I am seeing friends - my social calendar is busier than it has been in a long time! I am actually maintaining active friendships.
And I need to recognize my own progress. It does not have to match any one else's. It is mine, and I own it with Pride. I HAVE done a lot. Others may not see it, it may not be tangible - but in my world - my knowledge and understanding and work are HUGE. I appreciate the steps I have been able to take. The PROGRESS I have made.
Thought for the Night:
"Beautiful Pictures are developed from negatives in a dark room ...
So if you see darkness in your life, be assured that a beautiful picture is being prepared."
Breaking Free
This past week has been a roller coaster of sorts. I received 'the email' - updating me so kindly to the fact that he has a new lady in his life. This was a sucker punch to the gut at first. Humiliation made its rounds once I could breath again, and then, then came the Anger.
And yet through it all, it wasn't about HIM. It was about the next round of good byes to the dream that wasn't. The dream I see my friends and co-workers partaking in even now. 4 engagements in the past month and a wedding next month. So many people moving on, and he is too. I can't speak to how healthy that is, but to each their own way of progressing.
And I, I am doing OK. For this entire time, we have stayed linked on Facebook. Granted, a dear friend helped preserve my sanity early on by adjusting the settings so nothing would populate in my news feed, but we were still friends. I have struggled with severing the last connections and couldn't understand why. To the very core of my being I knew (know) I made the right choice. The right choice for me. I guess perhaps I had hoped for an understanding, for some way to maintain a connection. But as each day passed, I could see that holding on was like constantly looking back. Even when I wanted to move forward. Letting go of a dream is hard, so very, very hard.
It's so strange to think that just 10 years ago, this would not have been a problem. We live so far apart that the probability of running into each other is slim to none. We share only 1 or 2 friends, and at that we rarely hang out. We don't text or call anymore. 10 years ago, this would have been completely over, a month ago. Technology really does connect us in more ways than we realize. And the habits we create around technology - refresh, update, refresh, update ... lurking. It's insane!
So tonight, I broke free. A moment of slight heart ache and the pressure of tears as the name disappeared and the picture blinked out of the friend chat list. And then - Thank God, Relief!
A refresh of the page and the relief surged again.
I am saying good bye to a set of Dreams, and it still hurts, and I know it will for awhile.
But more Dreams will come, and will fit me and my life better. And the inner knowledge of that is just as bone deep as my decision to leave.
Just as I needed time to mourn (and still do a bit), I am better. I am making peace with my decisions, and understanding where I was coming from, what I was doing, and what will be different next time. It's these steps along that way that help me through the hard times. To know I too, am Breaking Free to explore the next possibilities :)
And yet through it all, it wasn't about HIM. It was about the next round of good byes to the dream that wasn't. The dream I see my friends and co-workers partaking in even now. 4 engagements in the past month and a wedding next month. So many people moving on, and he is too. I can't speak to how healthy that is, but to each their own way of progressing.
And I, I am doing OK. For this entire time, we have stayed linked on Facebook. Granted, a dear friend helped preserve my sanity early on by adjusting the settings so nothing would populate in my news feed, but we were still friends. I have struggled with severing the last connections and couldn't understand why. To the very core of my being I knew (know) I made the right choice. The right choice for me. I guess perhaps I had hoped for an understanding, for some way to maintain a connection. But as each day passed, I could see that holding on was like constantly looking back. Even when I wanted to move forward. Letting go of a dream is hard, so very, very hard.
It's so strange to think that just 10 years ago, this would not have been a problem. We live so far apart that the probability of running into each other is slim to none. We share only 1 or 2 friends, and at that we rarely hang out. We don't text or call anymore. 10 years ago, this would have been completely over, a month ago. Technology really does connect us in more ways than we realize. And the habits we create around technology - refresh, update, refresh, update ... lurking. It's insane!
So tonight, I broke free. A moment of slight heart ache and the pressure of tears as the name disappeared and the picture blinked out of the friend chat list. And then - Thank God, Relief!
A refresh of the page and the relief surged again.
I am saying good bye to a set of Dreams, and it still hurts, and I know it will for awhile.
But more Dreams will come, and will fit me and my life better. And the inner knowledge of that is just as bone deep as my decision to leave.
Just as I needed time to mourn (and still do a bit), I am better. I am making peace with my decisions, and understanding where I was coming from, what I was doing, and what will be different next time. It's these steps along that way that help me through the hard times. To know I too, am Breaking Free to explore the next possibilities :)
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