I Confess

I confess, I have been lurking, reading other blogs, experiencing moments of inspiration.  I have started typing about 4 entries over the past month or so, and started many more in my mind - yet each time, it just wasn't what I wanted to say.  It starts well, then trails off into drivel.  

Some of you know the journey, the experiences I have had in the past 6 months, some of you even know my life journey - those friends and family close to me.  Some of you are new to Me, and could only begin to understand.  To all of you, I feel I'm coming to a point where I want to share more of what has been incubating these past couple months.  

It's no grandiose revelation of world domination, or jet setting to another country (although, travel is on my heart again...) No, its a more inclusive, quiet revealing that has been happening.  I have many people to thank for their interest in my life, for their quiet and solid support.  From friends and family who know me and know I need time to process and realize the things I'm thinking/saying and who know that eventually it will click and I'll act.  For the friends & family who counseled me in worldly, self-experienced ways (Manda, I love you!, Mary L., Auntie Parker, Donna, Mum, Kat, Dad, Richard, Michelle, Lindsey, Emmi, Cherie) and those who shared the love and Word of God (Krystal, Cabrini, Mike, Tracy, Tarsha, Vinnie, Melanie, Shara, Mary, Dee, Arielle) - You were all there for me at some many points!  And so many more people than I can possibly mention by name - so please know I mean "YOU!"  And you continue to be there in all the big and small ways every day, in every way.  

I started this Blog as a means to document my Journey through the loss of a Job and Boy Friend.  I had grand ideas about this venture and started well, then it trailed off.  I started doubting the relevance of my words, I had wanted it to be inspiration to others.  How can something be inspirational when I felt like SHIT.  When I had days (still have them) that I just didn't see the point of getting out of bed?  That my life seemed to lack meaning or importance?  How could I inspire others when I couldn't even inspire myself?  

My first entry mentions that as I was driving away from the ICC on that faithful day, I KNEW I would find a job, it was just an internal truth then, and one that I believe even today.  But along the way - I lost that truth, that conviction.  I didn't realize then just how much I needed to decompress my life.  I did not know then, how much my heart needed to release and heal.  How much my mind and body needed time to process all that had happened, to release all the accumulated stress.  How many false Truths I needed to recognize and see and understand.  As I said earlier - It takes me a frustratingly  long time (for me and others) to see, recognize, understand, and act on things - I'm a Taurus and highly emotional - I'm learning to accept this about myself ;)

Another aspect to all of this has been the HEART TRUTH that I have something other than (maybe with?) hospitality to do in life.  It's this tugging, yearning, bursting purpose teasing at my heart and mind on a regular basis.  I felt it in Grade School, in High School, in College... I felt it when I was sick with Mono in IL, when I wanted to FLEE from the job in Philly - some days wishing for an illness to take me out of work for weeks at a time so I could just NOT go to work.  And then - I lost it for a few years between Philly and Lowell.  It got buried beneath stress and tedium, and a sense of 'this is all my life is ... '  I lost sight of anything, everything but the day to day and the 'what to do this weekend'

Then the days following my lay off, it started to pop up again.  I suddenly had this insight, "I can DO ANYTHING with my Life!  I'm FREE!!!"  I was reminded of the book I read in Philly called 'The Dream Giver' and another book by Lucado, 'Facing Your Giants'  and the only book I have bought multiple copies of to give away, 'Sister Freaks'  All revolving around facing those hard decisions in life to follow your dreams; trusting God (Creator, Divine, Allah, etc) with Faith that all will be OK and your dreams will come true - sometimes, usually, not even the way you thought they would.  

But, what IS it?  What IS this purpose?  This Drive, this great ball of light that I'm supposed to accomplish?  I went a bit OCD about it, from delving, to denial, to running from it.  I decided to take the summer 'OFF' to allow myself time to explore things I thought I wanted to do in life.  To relax - I even got a TAN!!!  In looking back, it's what I needed.  I hadn't taken a true vacation in ... ever since starting work at age 16.  Trips home are not a vacation when bookended by flights in and out of state and mad dash visiting to everyone I wanted to see.  Nor are quick weekends that also include driving 6+hrs in state to see everyone. 
 
During this time (and still now) I avidly avoided anyone asking me, 'Do you have a job yet?  Any new leads?  What do you want to do?  What are you doing for a search?'  Honestly, I appreciate your concern & your interest, but when I have something to tell you (like now) I will.  It made me (makes me) feel very unproductive and lazy to say, 'I'm taking a break...because I need it!'  Although, it did get easier, and still is getting easier to own my action; as ultimately I am responsible for my own success. 

And so, I worked on the book, "What Color is Your Parachute?" (I highly recommend it to EVERYONE!), I meditated, I journaled, I shadowed other jobs in Teaching & Banking.  I interviewed people, and I prayed.  I found myself drawn to God/Divine/Creator.  I knew this tugging in my heart meant that I had a purpose in Life - but WHAT is it????  I became obsessed with making the 'RIGHT' choice for my next job - yet I still didn't (don't) know what that is.  I feared making the wrong choice.  It became a very all or nothing/ Right/Wrong attempt at job hunting - with a belief that if I made the 'wrong' choice, my life purpose would be null and void.  

Please Note:  DO NOT DO THIS TO YOURSELF!!!  Please learn from me here, Do NOT believe that anything in your life has to be ALL or Nothing.  It is truly about the journey and eventually every thing you pick up along the way will lend itself to your future.  - Thank you Mary L. for the vision of the Quilt ;)

It has taken me a few months to release that fear.  To understand (for the uptenth time in my life) that not making a choice is also a choice (Jodi, Vinnie, Manda - LOL yes, I hear you all in my mind).  It took a lot of prayer and affirmations, and journaling and talking, to understand, and to release the paralyzing fear of going back to work.  It's still a work in progress.  I still have mornings, nights, afternoons where I sit and get trapped by racing thoughts and the daunting task of finding a job that I can be happy with, and feel fulfilled in.  

I have found myself turning more and more to God/Creator/Divine in prayer and gratitude, meditations, & positive affirmations.  I find myself trusting and being thankful for the things I have in my life.  Daily I find myself reminded that I am provided for, and loved.  It's been an incredible journey of letting go of fear again and again.  To sit back and release the expectations of life and of myself to do the 'right' thing.  And it's been heart wrenching at times to see some of the 'Truths/beliefs' I held onto so tightly ... 

I have come to realize in a very heart wrenching way, that I have always identified myself by my Career.  I have made what I do, who I am.  That was and is a hard image and mind set to shake.  It is one I know I will always gravitate to, but this time away has helped me realize that I am so much more than my job.  I have Value outside my paid career.  I have FAITH that I am more than my career.  And that at the end of the day, and at the end of my life, I have faith that I will have made a positive contribution to the people in my life and to the Earth.  That throughout my life, I will be able to affect long-lasting positive change.  Some how, some way. 
 
So where does all this bring me to today?  A notebook full of personal revelations from the summer; pages outlining some very interesting and not so shocking aspirations; a fantastic Tan, and for the moment some peace and self acceptance!  For a VERY long time, I had longed for time to just BE.  To explore some interests in my life and time to spend with my family & friends.  It was HARD to accept that I was blessed with that opportunity.  I feel incredibly guilty even now saying this, because I know everyone of you yearns for similar things.  Who am I to get what I asked for?  Why me?  I still don't know to this day - but I am learning to stop asking, and live with a heart of Gratitude.  Because it was not always easy to sit and listen to my heart.  It was not easy to sit with uncertainty, and its been hard to be grateful for something that goes against every social norm in our country.  But I AM grateful, and through that gratitude, I have Faith that I will find and accept a job, when the time is right.  

And for those of you sitting there saying, "Oh yeah so hard to just sleep in, and watch movies, and go to the beach... and Time spent finding yourself "  - To you (and that critical judge in my mind) I say, you're right.  There was a lot of fun to be had, time for decompressing and for awhile I admit, I really didn't want to go back to work - I dreaded it with paralyzing fear.  There was incredible guilt throughout this time too, because I felt I should be working, and job hunting every minute - to be a Productive member of Society.    

Then, I said 'To Hell with it!' and I did finally let myself enjoy those beach days, days to sleep in, to have fun, and see my family and know that I had time.  I'm not saying I didn't enjoy any of it - because it's been GREAT! 

And as for the job Hunt - The clock has (mostly) stopped ticking in my mind.  I awake now with the thought, "I need to go to work" - and it is not coming from a place of fear or anxiety (loss of money)  - but from a place of heart truth, of being ready to re-enter the work world.  And yes, also from a place of boredom - and that driving urge of SELF PURPOSE.  

So to the friends and family that told me to enjoy it, and cherish it - That's what I did.  And what I still continue to do, as I ramp up again for round 2? 3? 4? of the job hunt.  Cherish what I have today - because soon enough I will be back to work ;)


Up Next:  Some of those notes I have compiled on 'What I want to be/do when I Grow Up!'

Fresh Falling Snow

Yesterday I sat looking out the window and was entranced with the beauty of fresh falling snow.  The big, soft snowflakes, drifting down, coating trees, cars, and ground alike.  A vision from a fairy tale.  I smiled at the beauty and wished I could capture it, to remind me that after each storm, each hardship in life, there is beauty to be seen.  It reminded me of blessings and fresh starts.  Of a new white canvas to draw upon.  

I have done some soul searching of late and just this morning read the following passage which resonated so strongly with me, I laughed softly to myself. 

"... We tend to manage our lives intellectually, keeping ourselves busy with mostly superficial matters, while underneath we often feel bored, restless, somewhat lost, and frequently ungrounded - as if we aren't really in our bodies.  This is why we keep ourselves busy.  It's a way to distract ourselves, at least temporarily, from experiencing the unpleasant inner anxiety that haunts us.  

Most of us experience some degree of this spiritually unconscious phase at one time or another ... but it usually comes to an abrupt end with some sort of highly unexpected or hugely upsetting crisis, such as being in an accident, developing an illness, losing a loved one, or feeling rejected by someone we love.  It can also result from an anticipated end of a cycle or circumstance - for example, losing a job, graduating from college, leaving a marriage or long-term relationship...  

Once we begin to awaken our Spirit, we sense possibilities in life that we weren't aware of before and want to find out what they are.  As if waking up from an endless dream, we start to look at the world with fresh eyes and a new found sense of curiosity.  [...] You've progressed to the point where the things you've held on to as false security blankets no longer serve you; and you're ready to let go of limited relationships, ideas, and beliefs so that you can be introduced to new, more empowering ones.  [...] ... I've worked with thousands of people over the past 35 years who have shared these types of experiences with me, and I often ask if they were genuinely surprised when their awakening began.  Almost everyone I've spoken to said something like: 'On the surface yes, ... but deep down, no, I wasn't surprised.  I even felt it coming.  I just didn't know when or how.'  [...]  Once Spirit taps you on the shoulder, you're compelled to sit up, pay attention, and listen.  Like waking up during a restless night, you simply can't go back to sleep."   - Sonia Choquette, "The Power of your Spirit" (pgs 7-10)

I laughed, because this very awakening has happened in various ways over the past 10 years.  This most recent time, when I 'woke up' and realized my relationship was not what I wanted, it was very much like not being able to fall back to sleep.  It was such a soul deep knowing, I could not refuse it.  3 days of pure anxiety as my mind and body processed what my heart and soul knew was the truth.  Hindsight is so very 20/20.  In quiet moments of justbeforesleep, moments of time, memories would replay themselves, solidifying my decision.  In moments of half sleep during the night, my mind would string together fragments of conversations and snapshot memories, showing me, helping me understand WHY I was making this decision.  God, and my angels, were helping me process MY TRUTH.  My authenticity.  Showing me how to be true to myself.  Giving me the strength to '... disappoint another to be true to myself' (Oriah Mountain Dreamer, The Invitation).

I questioned how to say it, how to phrase it.  How does one tell a lover, a partner, you future husband (as we had talked about and were planning) - You are not for me?  You are not the right person for me ... and these are the reasons why...  and then not know how to put into words all the small and big reasons.  I found my way.  Through prayer, and writing, and meditating, and just winging it at times.  I found my way to say the hard truths, and the knowing, that THIS IS NOT FOR ME.  With the constant reminder of, "Can you disappoint another, to be true to yourself."  

My entire life I have avoided the possibility of disappointing another, of hurting another person, because it would hurt me, and I would feel bad letting someone else down.  Even when it wasn't what I wanted to do, even when it made me unhappy, I gave to others.  That one line has been on my mind for years, circling, repeating, and finally it made sense.  I knew what it was saying.  Can I be true to myself, even if it disappoints another - because I MATTER.  I deserve to stand up for myself, and be true to ME.  If I am not true to ME, then how can I be true to another person?

It was a hard lesson.  And one I am still working through.  I learned the lesson, much like you learn equations in math class.  Now, how do I apply it?  

Well, a few days ago I was given an opportunity to practice a form of this lesson.  I had a hard truth to share with a friend.  Something that had occurred years ago that I had carried with me ... a hard stone of guilt in my stomach.  I knew that I could no longer hold onto this, and have what I wanted - an authentic friendship for either of us.  I prayed, I meditated, I prayed some more, and shared the news.  It was scarey and wonderful at the same time.  I knew that it could go either way, and I was prepared to accept an ending.  Instead I was given an opportunity to move on with grace and blessed with continued friendship.  Time had been able to heal some of the harsh wounds and I am blessed with a forgiving friend. 

So as I look outside today, and see the raging wind and storm tossed snow - I remember yesterday, and the peaceful beauty that fell gracefully from the sky.  I know that each day will present its own version of beauty and turmoil, and that in the end, the landscape will be ready for a new adventure, a new painting.  

My Spirit is awakening to a new level.  One that I am excited to explore.  One that no longer allows me to hold onto relationships or jobs that no longer serve me.  And that encourages me to resolve past issues, so I can continue my journey with a stronger sense of authenticity (and better Karma!).  

I will stumble, I will fall, I will still make mistakes - we are human!  I Am Human.  But I know that I have a better base, and a better sense of myself and a wonderful inner compass I am continuing to learn and refine. 

I look forward to more mornings filled with Fresh Falling Snow ... 


 

Tears, Hope, & Compassion

Tender
Explosive
Abrasive
Restorative
Soothing

 Tears:  noun

1.

a drop of the saline, watery fluid continually secreted by the lacrimal glands between the surface of the eye and the eyelid, serving to moisten and lubricate these parts and keep them clear of foreign particles. Synonyms: teardrop.

2.

this fluid appearing in or flowing from the eye as the result of emotion, especially grief: to shed tears.

Tears.  Crying.  So easy and natural for some, not quite so for me.  I do not know exactly how or where I got the idea, the 'tape', the message, that I should not cry.  That crying won't solve anything, that I don't deserve to cry - because really, is my life so bad?  Really, are you going to cry about this?  Others have it so much worse, why are you crying?  Look at all the good in your life, you don't need to cry about this.  Suck it up, and get over it, look at the bright side ... (what ever it may be for the situation, and there was always something bright to find, if I looked hard enough) - this doesn't deserve tears!

 ... and so, I would swallow the tears, the emotion.  I would put on the happy face, TRY to breath, and move along with my day, night, life.  And thus, having shoved down yet another round of intense emotion to add to the growing, compacted pile, I would carry on. 

That is until recently.  Perhaps within the past 2 weeks.  I have allowed myself to start crying.  The bouts don't last long, but are exhausting none the less.  Great chest wracking, hyperventilating sobs that are releasing the pent up STUFF.  Then I quiet down, and can breath and feel ... EXHAUSTED.  But oh so much better.  Releasing the emotion is wonderful  WHY didn't I do this before?  Because it was a sign of weakness?  Because I felt I needed to carry all that emotion, ALL THE TIME?!  Because I needed to be strong, and PROVE I could 'carry on.'  Prove it to who???  Oh, that's right, all of you ... and me.  Perhaps one day I will figure it out (and really, if I don't find out the reason, but can stop the pattern, that's ok!), but for now, I'm allowing myself to cry, when I can.  When the sensation hits me.  And I know a lot of it is not coming from just these most recent events, but from all the other times I pushed down a fear, a sadness, a personal injustice  It's the compounded effect of years of emotions tied together, which is why I think its so utterly, wonderfully, exhausting.

No, that is not sarcasm - I welcome the exhaustion.  Holding onto all that emotion kept me restless, filled with anxiety and all sorts of insomnia.  Restless, sleepless nights; waking with racing thoughts.  To feel a moment, or a couple hours of pure, worn out exhaustion is - oddly, welcomed.  The healing sleep that comes after is restorative.  Its brief, and good.  

Which all gives me HOPE.  Hope for a brighter tomorrow.  I can see glimmers here and there, that each one is a bit better.  I can feel myself healing a little bit.  And I thank each of my friends and family members for their support and compassion.  Compassion which also brings tears to my eyes, and sometimes sets off the quiet, streaming down the cheeks, loving, healing kind.  The kind that twists and tugs at my tender, hurting heart.  And, I step back and realize, compassion has always made me cry.  To know and feel another's love is a very special, heart tugging experience.  A friend once told me that tears of compassion are a gift.  I had shared that I often cry when I actually do get to church, and was wondering what it meant.  She said it was a gift, a way to recognize love ... I have held onto that little conversation, and I think I have begun to understand it.  

Just as much as the absence of love can hurt; the presence of love also heals.  Self love, understanding, compassion, unexpected gestures, a hug, a knowing/understanding look - all these and more, are love.  It doesn't have to be fireworks and lightening strikes.  It can be appreciating the thoughtfulness of another, a moment of understanding, a glimpse of peace during meditation.  These are love, compassion, HOPE.  Tears of healing, of love.  Expressing themselves just as the hurt also comes out. 

And today's thought is:  'Do the best you can until you know better.  Then when you know better, do better.'  - Maya Angelou