On Sorrow's Ground
At this seasonal time of festivities, we
also find a higher rise in depression. A time when days are incredibly
short, and the Sun that lead us joyfully, in the warmer months,
goes to rest earlier and earlier each day. Dusk and night come quickly,
and thus the fleeting warmth of sunshine has just a few precious hours to
work it's magic. I find myself more in tune with this change now, than ever before...
I'm also recognizing a continual stream of received insights
and messages throughout the day. From the first break of consciousness
in the morning, to the just-as-I-fall-asleep time, little
thoughts pop into my mind, that ring true.
'On sorrow's ground' - from Belladonna, by Anne Bishop
'It's time to change your story' - from some reading, or multiple readings in the past few years
'Go for a walk, get up now' - healthy living advise, when I experience my 'first' wake-up each morning at 6am
'You are still processing the last bit of that relationship, your uncomfortable dreams are a testament to that' - Dream interpretation discussions
'Get your car fixed, don't let it go too long' - message from my Grandfathers
'Change your Story' ...
Life is a series of steps, of chances, of embracing the chance to make a change in your present condition. To taking that leap of faith on the 'next thing' and run with it. Having the courage to go with it no matter what.
I still have that BIG feeling of doing something tremendous with my life. I still have days, like today, when I doubt my previous actions and wonder what I'm doing...
And then, as now, I hear the words, 'Change your Story' and feel a subtle shift as I know the truth of that statement. And as I feel relieved, having acknowledged that truth, other fears melt away and a strength of character starts pushing through, morphing the bedrock of myself just a little more.
Change your story ... When you don't like what you have been saying; when you don't like who you are, or who you are becoming, it's time to change your story.
Do you realize that you are the Author of your life? Who else knows you, better than you? Who else tells your story? I read in many career guides, how you tell your story is as important, if not more important than what's on your resume - which in fact, is a written summary of your story. To better sell yourself, you often have to look at the facts and find a positive, yet honest way to tell your tale.
And so having just cried a bit speaking many of these ideas to a trusted friend, and with these quickly shifting thoughts filling the screen before me, a long held weight is lifted and I find myself drifting off to sleep for just a few moments. The relief of expressing myself so pronounced that it's exhausting. awakening, I feel some loose ends pulled tight, and a new appreciation for the day ahead.
In parting I remember the sight of a late night, cloud scattered sky - moon and stars bright in night's dark cape, leafless trees swaying in the howling winds, as I watch from my warm, snug bedroom window. Stark natural beauty at its finest. I am reminded that I am just one person in Trillions on this planet; and that all change starts with a single idea, a single step towards something bigger than oneself.
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Monday, November 25, 2013
Friday, May 3, 2013
Following the Spiral Down
Many blogs, articles, and memes have been circulating about the false interconnectedness of people through the internet. These documents show a potential decrease in ones ability to truly biologically, and psychologically connect with another person. How our brains slowly stop learning how to read anothers facial expressions, and thus not fully connect with them.
I am feeling that very keenly right now. 9 days of being sick. Of seeing people in small spurts at the store or Dr.'s office. I have spoken on the phone, online, but truly, I've not seen people to interact with them. And it's starting to weigh on me. I just want to chat in person with someone - visit!! Go for a walk (while still being able to breath). Watch a movie in a theater. I want to be healthy again - but this illness is not allowing me that pleasure. I feel tired, and worn out and so very, very sore from coughing.
And confused. Defeated. At wits end with the job search. The interviews all went so well. The job seems like a great fit for skills I never thought of marketing. But, starting only with 5 days total of sick and/or PTO? At more than a 1/3 less than my previous salary. That hurts and makes me want to cry.
I keep hearing his words, 'You are waiting for everything to be perfect, Tia. Nothing is ever going to be perfect. You just have to go with it, and live life.'
Yet, how do I stop feeling as if I am worth more. That I know I am worth more. How do I come to terms with taking steps back. Are they steps back? Is it ok? I feel like I owe my mentors more, that I am to do so much more with my 'potential.' Am I ok, with having less? Yes, I'm ok with making less than my previous Salary. I'm ok with less than my previous 4 weeks of vacation. I even ok with less than the 12 days of PTO I had banked. But I think I'm coming to realize my initial goals are 2 weeks of vacation, at least 3-6 PTO/sick days, holidays paid, health/vision/dental, 401k, and you know, with that, I'm actually ok with a hefty pay decrease. I would prefer just $10-15k less, but I would go a bit lower.
And a job that offers me a good work life balance - preferably day shift, weekends or at least 1 weekend day off. No crazy late night phone calls, and a chance to learn more, using the skills I have acquired while adding to them. Sounds easy right? Oh, and I would like to start a job healthy. Yes, to be able to breath and not cough a lung or stomach out would be fabulous.
So I keep looking. I keep hunting. And I hope, HOPE, that I can find my next job. And that I will be comfortable with it. That I won't feel as though I'm letting anyone down, and that I can start to discern what I want to do with my lie, AFTER or even while I'm working. Because right now, I'm feeling a little down, and I'm trying to see the sunlight ...
I am feeling that very keenly right now. 9 days of being sick. Of seeing people in small spurts at the store or Dr.'s office. I have spoken on the phone, online, but truly, I've not seen people to interact with them. And it's starting to weigh on me. I just want to chat in person with someone - visit!! Go for a walk (while still being able to breath). Watch a movie in a theater. I want to be healthy again - but this illness is not allowing me that pleasure. I feel tired, and worn out and so very, very sore from coughing.
And confused. Defeated. At wits end with the job search. The interviews all went so well. The job seems like a great fit for skills I never thought of marketing. But, starting only with 5 days total of sick and/or PTO? At more than a 1/3 less than my previous salary. That hurts and makes me want to cry.
I keep hearing his words, 'You are waiting for everything to be perfect, Tia. Nothing is ever going to be perfect. You just have to go with it, and live life.'
Yet, how do I stop feeling as if I am worth more. That I know I am worth more. How do I come to terms with taking steps back. Are they steps back? Is it ok? I feel like I owe my mentors more, that I am to do so much more with my 'potential.' Am I ok, with having less? Yes, I'm ok with making less than my previous Salary. I'm ok with less than my previous 4 weeks of vacation. I even ok with less than the 12 days of PTO I had banked. But I think I'm coming to realize my initial goals are 2 weeks of vacation, at least 3-6 PTO/sick days, holidays paid, health/vision/dental, 401k, and you know, with that, I'm actually ok with a hefty pay decrease. I would prefer just $10-15k less, but I would go a bit lower.
And a job that offers me a good work life balance - preferably day shift, weekends or at least 1 weekend day off. No crazy late night phone calls, and a chance to learn more, using the skills I have acquired while adding to them. Sounds easy right? Oh, and I would like to start a job healthy. Yes, to be able to breath and not cough a lung or stomach out would be fabulous.
So I keep looking. I keep hunting. And I hope, HOPE, that I can find my next job. And that I will be comfortable with it. That I won't feel as though I'm letting anyone down, and that I can start to discern what I want to do with my lie, AFTER or even while I'm working. Because right now, I'm feeling a little down, and I'm trying to see the sunlight ...
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Injuries, Intuition, & Small Victories
**Written March, 1, 2013 while Journaling at Barnes & Noble**
I can bend my knee again!! A week of inflammation, sharp pain, minor relief, then over doing it again in TKD - resulted in hobbling around my apartment and up & down stairs, hoping I wouldn't find myself in a heap at the bottom. I only have insurance for a short time more, and really, 3 flights of stairs with a busted leg or self care with a busted arm is not advisable! And now, after two days of rest, ice, arnica gel, and ibuprofen every 4-6 hours, I have a knee that can mostly bend all the way without pain!! I can stretch! Granted it's still a bit unstable, and twisting/turning is iffy - but I am on the mend! By Tuesday,I hope to return to TKD - while taking it easy in class and continuing with Ibuprofen and ice :) No squats, no lunges, and NO flip Flops!! Tomorrow I start my strengthening exercises provided by my Dr. and Physical therapists from prior flair ups. I WILL strengthen my knee and keep at it so this will happen less frequently!
I will also listen to my intuition more. You know, that quiet voice inside that tells you what to do, when its for the best? That tiny, quiet voice that encourages you to leave earlier than normal, and you miss a horrible crash, or long traffic delay. That quiet voice that tells you to call a friend, you may not have spoken to in years, and you find out you are able to help them with something? That quiet voice that told me to take it easy at the gym, and I ignored it, and a week later my knee is still sore. Yes - instinct/intuition ;) I shall listen to you more often!
Instinct/Intuition - a miraculous gift. Intuition, an inner knowing of what to do, what to say, how to proceed. I have been working through a relationship/grief book these past few weeks - really since I was let go. I have been reviewing all my past relationships, and working to 'complete' the unresolved situations, in a effort to let go, and move on. I am realizing through these reviews that I ignored my intuition MANY times. We all do. There are actually many sections of this book dedicated to intuition! It is my hope that moving forward I will listen and trust more. This is also advised in many of the spirituality books I have read, and are in the process of reading. It's truly a work in progress :)
Which brings me to small victories. I am actively trying to recognize & celebrate every win, large or small in my life. Because it's the small things over time, that help us achieve the larger wins in life. My knee recovery is a small win. Successfully hooking up my Wii and then accessing Netflix on my TV was a big WIN! (Granted, now I must limit myself to how much TV I am watching. 8+ Months without a TV or cable is now being eradicated by endless episodes of Grey's Anatomy!!! LOL). AND!!! So exciting!! Earlier this week some HUGE financial worries were absolved - and I can now breath easier knowing I am more than 'ok' for the coming months :) And that I will be able to continue Tae Kwon Do!!
The anxiety about a job is also waning and I am so very glad about that. I really enjoy this time off - the opportunity it has given me to really work on me and REST. Both my mental health and my spiritual health .. yes and physical (so long as I LISTEN to my body!!) And the opportunity to just BE. But - Those that know me well, know that I cannot be 'mindless' for long. I want to contribute to the community and the world. I like work - I'm a workaholic most of the time (working [no pun intended] on that as well - establishing habits/structures for balance in my life!). This whole 'no job' thing is really starting to bug me a bit.
So, I'm very glad that I'm not feeling as overwhelmed by the job hunt process. A large part of that alleviation is ME re-evaluating my expectations. When I was let go I thought to myself, 'YES! I can finally leave Hospitality!! This is the perfect opportunity!' And - I became overwhelmed by the prospect of finding a job outside the ONLY industry I have EVER worked in. As well as leaving the only company I have worked for in the past 10 years! That's a REALLY, REALLY huge expectation. And I stuck to it so solidly, that I would freeze every time I logged in to look for jobs. And again and again, I found myself searching for hotel jobs ...
So yes - its a great opportunity to have time to explore other options. I'm working through the book, 'What color is your parachute' which helps do a very comprehensive self-evaluation to discover a persons likes, interests, skill sets, and a number of other things (I haven't finished the book yet - lol) from ALL aspects of a persons life. It's helping my pinpoint the parts of jobs that I like, and my own expectations. With this information I hope to find a more fulfilling job. And I have come to realize that it's OK if I get a job in Hospitality. I do not have to stay there forever. I don't have to log another 10 years of my life with one company. I know I have not really liked any of my previous jobs. So maybe it was just the company I did not like. Maybe it was the type of job, or the expectations. Thus, it is with this new information I can hopefully find a job that I LIKE - or even better, one that is Fulfilling!!
And to further the job hunt, I had one meeting already and more set up with my old college professor, an informational interview with a GM in Manchester, a meeting with an adviser at the Career Center down the street, and I am attending a career center seminar (as dictated by Mass. Unemployment). I'm also looking online a few times a week. So the ball is rolling ... yay? LOL
I'm learning a lot of things about myself. Learning that I cause a lot of my own anxiety - from Absolute beliefs, that are not healthy. Old patterns that no longer serve. Patterns that are coming to light - now that I have the time to simply BE with myself - without a job or partner to bury myself in. Small Victories, turning into larger victories :)
I'm learning to Listen. To release my need for ultimate control, as I learn to relax. To think positively, and to be OK with where I am - In ALL aspects of life. I am keeping my eye on the next goal, and learning to bend, not break, as that goal changes. Learning its OK to change the goal. Really, it is. Sometimes what we want, and what we need are very different things. Both help us grow, and I remind myself: It's a journey - with many info posts, challenges, and sights along the way. And REST STOPS!!!
OH!! Another small victory, ok, really a BIG Victory. Master Seo told me when I belt test in a couple weeks - I will jump yellow belt! He's going to give me my Orange Belt. WOO!!
Victories - small and large - Celebrating them all with Gratitude ;)
I can bend my knee again!! A week of inflammation, sharp pain, minor relief, then over doing it again in TKD - resulted in hobbling around my apartment and up & down stairs, hoping I wouldn't find myself in a heap at the bottom. I only have insurance for a short time more, and really, 3 flights of stairs with a busted leg or self care with a busted arm is not advisable! And now, after two days of rest, ice, arnica gel, and ibuprofen every 4-6 hours, I have a knee that can mostly bend all the way without pain!! I can stretch! Granted it's still a bit unstable, and twisting/turning is iffy - but I am on the mend! By Tuesday,I hope to return to TKD - while taking it easy in class and continuing with Ibuprofen and ice :) No squats, no lunges, and NO flip Flops!! Tomorrow I start my strengthening exercises provided by my Dr. and Physical therapists from prior flair ups. I WILL strengthen my knee and keep at it so this will happen less frequently!
I will also listen to my intuition more. You know, that quiet voice inside that tells you what to do, when its for the best? That tiny, quiet voice that encourages you to leave earlier than normal, and you miss a horrible crash, or long traffic delay. That quiet voice that tells you to call a friend, you may not have spoken to in years, and you find out you are able to help them with something? That quiet voice that told me to take it easy at the gym, and I ignored it, and a week later my knee is still sore. Yes - instinct/intuition ;) I shall listen to you more often!
Instinct/Intuition - a miraculous gift. Intuition, an inner knowing of what to do, what to say, how to proceed. I have been working through a relationship/grief book these past few weeks - really since I was let go. I have been reviewing all my past relationships, and working to 'complete' the unresolved situations, in a effort to let go, and move on. I am realizing through these reviews that I ignored my intuition MANY times. We all do. There are actually many sections of this book dedicated to intuition! It is my hope that moving forward I will listen and trust more. This is also advised in many of the spirituality books I have read, and are in the process of reading. It's truly a work in progress :)
Which brings me to small victories. I am actively trying to recognize & celebrate every win, large or small in my life. Because it's the small things over time, that help us achieve the larger wins in life. My knee recovery is a small win. Successfully hooking up my Wii and then accessing Netflix on my TV was a big WIN! (Granted, now I must limit myself to how much TV I am watching. 8+ Months without a TV or cable is now being eradicated by endless episodes of Grey's Anatomy!!! LOL). AND!!! So exciting!! Earlier this week some HUGE financial worries were absolved - and I can now breath easier knowing I am more than 'ok' for the coming months :) And that I will be able to continue Tae Kwon Do!!
The anxiety about a job is also waning and I am so very glad about that. I really enjoy this time off - the opportunity it has given me to really work on me and REST. Both my mental health and my spiritual health .. yes and physical (so long as I LISTEN to my body!!) And the opportunity to just BE. But - Those that know me well, know that I cannot be 'mindless' for long. I want to contribute to the community and the world. I like work - I'm a workaholic most of the time (working [no pun intended] on that as well - establishing habits/structures for balance in my life!). This whole 'no job' thing is really starting to bug me a bit.
So, I'm very glad that I'm not feeling as overwhelmed by the job hunt process. A large part of that alleviation is ME re-evaluating my expectations. When I was let go I thought to myself, 'YES! I can finally leave Hospitality!! This is the perfect opportunity!' And - I became overwhelmed by the prospect of finding a job outside the ONLY industry I have EVER worked in. As well as leaving the only company I have worked for in the past 10 years! That's a REALLY, REALLY huge expectation. And I stuck to it so solidly, that I would freeze every time I logged in to look for jobs. And again and again, I found myself searching for hotel jobs ...
So yes - its a great opportunity to have time to explore other options. I'm working through the book, 'What color is your parachute' which helps do a very comprehensive self-evaluation to discover a persons likes, interests, skill sets, and a number of other things (I haven't finished the book yet - lol) from ALL aspects of a persons life. It's helping my pinpoint the parts of jobs that I like, and my own expectations. With this information I hope to find a more fulfilling job. And I have come to realize that it's OK if I get a job in Hospitality. I do not have to stay there forever. I don't have to log another 10 years of my life with one company. I know I have not really liked any of my previous jobs. So maybe it was just the company I did not like. Maybe it was the type of job, or the expectations. Thus, it is with this new information I can hopefully find a job that I LIKE - or even better, one that is Fulfilling!!
And to further the job hunt, I had one meeting already and more set up with my old college professor, an informational interview with a GM in Manchester, a meeting with an adviser at the Career Center down the street, and I am attending a career center seminar (as dictated by Mass. Unemployment). I'm also looking online a few times a week. So the ball is rolling ... yay? LOL
I'm learning a lot of things about myself. Learning that I cause a lot of my own anxiety - from Absolute beliefs, that are not healthy. Old patterns that no longer serve. Patterns that are coming to light - now that I have the time to simply BE with myself - without a job or partner to bury myself in. Small Victories, turning into larger victories :)
I'm learning to Listen. To release my need for ultimate control, as I learn to relax. To think positively, and to be OK with where I am - In ALL aspects of life. I am keeping my eye on the next goal, and learning to bend, not break, as that goal changes. Learning its OK to change the goal. Really, it is. Sometimes what we want, and what we need are very different things. Both help us grow, and I remind myself: It's a journey - with many info posts, challenges, and sights along the way. And REST STOPS!!!
OH!! Another small victory, ok, really a BIG Victory. Master Seo told me when I belt test in a couple weeks - I will jump yellow belt! He's going to give me my Orange Belt. WOO!!
Victories - small and large - Celebrating them all with Gratitude ;)
Saturday, February 23, 2013
A picture is worth a thousand words (and memories)
I sync'd my iPhone to my computer tonight and updated my music selection. Which lead me to see that I only had .5GB of space left. I figured it was time to clean up my photos. 3.4GB is quite a few ...
So many memories from the beginning of my relationship through present. I realize now that I have been pushing down the good times, and remembering mostly the bad. Going through the photos and sorting them into files (because I'm a bit neurotic that way) and then deleting them (no, not all, not yet) from my phone brought flashbacks of ALL our times together. Seeing my smiling face, OUR smiling faces - made me remember the good times, the happy, bliss filled moments, the hopes & dreams of our future. The reason(s) I wanted us to work for so very long. The reason(s) why I could ignore that little voice and push it away. We did have MANY good times, and I have the photo story book to prove it.
And yet, even with the positive, happy memories came the slow crawling shadow of doubt, about 3 minutes behind that warm rush. Presently, the little voice colored over some of those moments and with that, I know the balance is coming. The ability to look at the past and smile and be thankful for what we had. I know it will take time and I know for now I will look at the pictures and sometimes, I'll forget that I broke it off; For a moment, like tonight, I will be back in time and feel my own happiness. Then, I will look up, see my surroundings, and know I am moving on.
It has been a roller coaster, and I am glad I went through the pictures. I'm glad I felt the emotions, and could recognize them for what they are, and what they represent to me. I didn't dig too deeply. I'm working on (and through) that elsewhere. Right now, I just wanted to make space, save the pictures, and take another step towards closure and the future. It makes me feel slightly guilty, but I know it's all part of the process.
And - I cleaned up 1.4GB of space in my iPhone picture stash! It's all about the small steps right? And being present, in the moment. Right here, right now.
"If you're depressed, you're living in the past.
If you're anxious, you're living in the future.
If you're at peace, you're living in the present."
-Lao Tzu
So many memories from the beginning of my relationship through present. I realize now that I have been pushing down the good times, and remembering mostly the bad. Going through the photos and sorting them into files (because I'm a bit neurotic that way) and then deleting them (no, not all, not yet) from my phone brought flashbacks of ALL our times together. Seeing my smiling face, OUR smiling faces - made me remember the good times, the happy, bliss filled moments, the hopes & dreams of our future. The reason(s) I wanted us to work for so very long. The reason(s) why I could ignore that little voice and push it away. We did have MANY good times, and I have the photo story book to prove it.
And yet, even with the positive, happy memories came the slow crawling shadow of doubt, about 3 minutes behind that warm rush. Presently, the little voice colored over some of those moments and with that, I know the balance is coming. The ability to look at the past and smile and be thankful for what we had. I know it will take time and I know for now I will look at the pictures and sometimes, I'll forget that I broke it off; For a moment, like tonight, I will be back in time and feel my own happiness. Then, I will look up, see my surroundings, and know I am moving on.
It has been a roller coaster, and I am glad I went through the pictures. I'm glad I felt the emotions, and could recognize them for what they are, and what they represent to me. I didn't dig too deeply. I'm working on (and through) that elsewhere. Right now, I just wanted to make space, save the pictures, and take another step towards closure and the future. It makes me feel slightly guilty, but I know it's all part of the process.
And - I cleaned up 1.4GB of space in my iPhone picture stash! It's all about the small steps right? And being present, in the moment. Right here, right now.
"If you're depressed, you're living in the past.
If you're anxious, you're living in the future.
If you're at peace, you're living in the present."
-Lao Tzu
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Fresh Falling Snow
Yesterday I sat looking out the window and was entranced with the beauty of fresh falling snow. The big, soft snowflakes, drifting down, coating trees, cars, and ground alike. A vision from a fairy tale. I smiled at the beauty and wished I could capture it, to remind me that after each storm, each hardship in life, there is beauty to be seen. It reminded me of blessings and fresh starts. Of a new white canvas to draw upon.
I have done some soul searching of late and just this morning read the following passage which resonated so strongly with me, I laughed softly to myself.
"... We tend to manage our lives intellectually, keeping ourselves busy with mostly superficial matters, while underneath we often feel bored, restless, somewhat lost, and frequently ungrounded - as if we aren't really in our bodies. This is why we keep ourselves busy. It's a way to distract ourselves, at least temporarily, from experiencing the unpleasant inner anxiety that haunts us.
Most of us experience some degree of this spiritually unconscious phase at one time or another ... but it usually comes to an abrupt end with some sort of highly unexpected or hugely upsetting crisis, such as being in an accident, developing an illness, losing a loved one, or feeling rejected by someone we love. It can also result from an anticipated end of a cycle or circumstance - for example, losing a job, graduating from college, leaving a marriage or long-term relationship...
Once we begin to awaken our Spirit, we sense possibilities in life that we weren't aware of before and want to find out what they are. As if waking up from an endless dream, we start to look at the world with fresh eyes and a new found sense of curiosity. [...] You've progressed to the point where the things you've held on to as false security blankets no longer serve you; and you're ready to let go of limited relationships, ideas, and beliefs so that you can be introduced to new, more empowering ones. [...] ... I've worked with thousands of people over the past 35 years who have shared these types of experiences with me, and I often ask if they were genuinely surprised when their awakening began. Almost everyone I've spoken to said something like: 'On the surface yes, ... but deep down, no, I wasn't surprised. I even felt it coming. I just didn't know when or how.' [...] Once Spirit taps you on the shoulder, you're compelled to sit up, pay attention, and listen. Like waking up during a restless night, you simply can't go back to sleep." - Sonia Choquette, "The Power of your Spirit" (pgs 7-10)
I laughed, because this very awakening has happened in various ways over the past 10 years. This most recent time, when I 'woke up' and realized my relationship was not what I wanted, it was very much like not being able to fall back to sleep. It was such a soul deep knowing, I could not refuse it. 3 days of pure anxiety as my mind and body processed what my heart and soul knew was the truth. Hindsight is so very 20/20. In quiet moments of justbeforesleep, moments of time, memories would replay themselves, solidifying my decision. In moments of half sleep during the night, my mind would string together fragments of conversations and snapshot memories, showing me, helping me understand WHY I was making this decision. God, and my angels, were helping me process MY TRUTH. My authenticity. Showing me how to be true to myself. Giving me the strength to '... disappoint another to be true to myself' (Oriah Mountain Dreamer, The Invitation).
I questioned how to say it, how to phrase it. How does one tell a lover, a partner, you future husband (as we had talked about and were planning) - You are not for me? You are not the right person for me ... and these are the reasons why... and then not know how to put into words all the small and big reasons. I found my way. Through prayer, and writing, and meditating, and just winging it at times. I found my way to say the hard truths, and the knowing, that THIS IS NOT FOR ME. With the constant reminder of, "Can you disappoint another, to be true to yourself."
My entire life I have avoided the possibility of disappointing another, of hurting another person, because it would hurt me, and I would feel bad letting someone else down. Even when it wasn't what I wanted to do, even when it made me unhappy, I gave to others. That one line has been on my mind for years, circling, repeating, and finally it made sense. I knew what it was saying. Can I be true to myself, even if it disappoints another - because I MATTER. I deserve to stand up for myself, and be true to ME. If I am not true to ME, then how can I be true to another person?
It was a hard lesson. And one I am still working through. I learned the lesson, much like you learn equations in math class. Now, how do I apply it?
Well, a few days ago I was given an opportunity to practice a form of this lesson. I had a hard truth to share with a friend. Something that had occurred years ago that I had carried with me ... a hard stone of guilt in my stomach. I knew that I could no longer hold onto this, and have what I wanted - an authentic friendship for either of us. I prayed, I meditated, I prayed some more, and shared the news. It was scarey and wonderful at the same time. I knew that it could go either way, and I was prepared to accept an ending. Instead I was given an opportunity to move on with grace and blessed with continued friendship. Time had been able to heal some of the harsh wounds and I am blessed with a forgiving friend.
So as I look outside today, and see the raging wind and storm tossed snow - I remember yesterday, and the peaceful beauty that fell gracefully from the sky. I know that each day will present its own version of beauty and turmoil, and that in the end, the landscape will be ready for a new adventure, a new painting.
My Spirit is awakening to a new level. One that I am excited to explore. One that no longer allows me to hold onto relationships or jobs that no longer serve me. And that encourages me to resolve past issues, so I can continue my journey with a stronger sense of authenticity (and better Karma!).
I will stumble, I will fall, I will still make mistakes - we are human! I Am Human. But I know that I have a better base, and a better sense of myself and a wonderful inner compass I am continuing to learn and refine.
I look forward to more mornings filled with Fresh Falling Snow ...
I have done some soul searching of late and just this morning read the following passage which resonated so strongly with me, I laughed softly to myself.
"... We tend to manage our lives intellectually, keeping ourselves busy with mostly superficial matters, while underneath we often feel bored, restless, somewhat lost, and frequently ungrounded - as if we aren't really in our bodies. This is why we keep ourselves busy. It's a way to distract ourselves, at least temporarily, from experiencing the unpleasant inner anxiety that haunts us.
Most of us experience some degree of this spiritually unconscious phase at one time or another ... but it usually comes to an abrupt end with some sort of highly unexpected or hugely upsetting crisis, such as being in an accident, developing an illness, losing a loved one, or feeling rejected by someone we love. It can also result from an anticipated end of a cycle or circumstance - for example, losing a job, graduating from college, leaving a marriage or long-term relationship...
Once we begin to awaken our Spirit, we sense possibilities in life that we weren't aware of before and want to find out what they are. As if waking up from an endless dream, we start to look at the world with fresh eyes and a new found sense of curiosity. [...] You've progressed to the point where the things you've held on to as false security blankets no longer serve you; and you're ready to let go of limited relationships, ideas, and beliefs so that you can be introduced to new, more empowering ones. [...] ... I've worked with thousands of people over the past 35 years who have shared these types of experiences with me, and I often ask if they were genuinely surprised when their awakening began. Almost everyone I've spoken to said something like: 'On the surface yes, ... but deep down, no, I wasn't surprised. I even felt it coming. I just didn't know when or how.' [...] Once Spirit taps you on the shoulder, you're compelled to sit up, pay attention, and listen. Like waking up during a restless night, you simply can't go back to sleep." - Sonia Choquette, "The Power of your Spirit" (pgs 7-10)
I laughed, because this very awakening has happened in various ways over the past 10 years. This most recent time, when I 'woke up' and realized my relationship was not what I wanted, it was very much like not being able to fall back to sleep. It was such a soul deep knowing, I could not refuse it. 3 days of pure anxiety as my mind and body processed what my heart and soul knew was the truth. Hindsight is so very 20/20. In quiet moments of justbeforesleep, moments of time, memories would replay themselves, solidifying my decision. In moments of half sleep during the night, my mind would string together fragments of conversations and snapshot memories, showing me, helping me understand WHY I was making this decision. God, and my angels, were helping me process MY TRUTH. My authenticity. Showing me how to be true to myself. Giving me the strength to '... disappoint another to be true to myself' (Oriah Mountain Dreamer, The Invitation).
I questioned how to say it, how to phrase it. How does one tell a lover, a partner, you future husband (as we had talked about and were planning) - You are not for me? You are not the right person for me ... and these are the reasons why... and then not know how to put into words all the small and big reasons. I found my way. Through prayer, and writing, and meditating, and just winging it at times. I found my way to say the hard truths, and the knowing, that THIS IS NOT FOR ME. With the constant reminder of, "Can you disappoint another, to be true to yourself."
My entire life I have avoided the possibility of disappointing another, of hurting another person, because it would hurt me, and I would feel bad letting someone else down. Even when it wasn't what I wanted to do, even when it made me unhappy, I gave to others. That one line has been on my mind for years, circling, repeating, and finally it made sense. I knew what it was saying. Can I be true to myself, even if it disappoints another - because I MATTER. I deserve to stand up for myself, and be true to ME. If I am not true to ME, then how can I be true to another person?
It was a hard lesson. And one I am still working through. I learned the lesson, much like you learn equations in math class. Now, how do I apply it?
Well, a few days ago I was given an opportunity to practice a form of this lesson. I had a hard truth to share with a friend. Something that had occurred years ago that I had carried with me ... a hard stone of guilt in my stomach. I knew that I could no longer hold onto this, and have what I wanted - an authentic friendship for either of us. I prayed, I meditated, I prayed some more, and shared the news. It was scarey and wonderful at the same time. I knew that it could go either way, and I was prepared to accept an ending. Instead I was given an opportunity to move on with grace and blessed with continued friendship. Time had been able to heal some of the harsh wounds and I am blessed with a forgiving friend.
So as I look outside today, and see the raging wind and storm tossed snow - I remember yesterday, and the peaceful beauty that fell gracefully from the sky. I know that each day will present its own version of beauty and turmoil, and that in the end, the landscape will be ready for a new adventure, a new painting.
My Spirit is awakening to a new level. One that I am excited to explore. One that no longer allows me to hold onto relationships or jobs that no longer serve me. And that encourages me to resolve past issues, so I can continue my journey with a stronger sense of authenticity (and better Karma!).
I will stumble, I will fall, I will still make mistakes - we are human! I Am Human. But I know that I have a better base, and a better sense of myself and a wonderful inner compass I am continuing to learn and refine.
I look forward to more mornings filled with Fresh Falling Snow ...
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Tears, Hope, & Compassion
Tender
Explosive
Abrasive
Restorative
Soothing
Tears: noun
Explosive
Abrasive
Restorative
Soothing
Tears: noun
1.
a drop of the saline, watery fluid continually secreted by the lacrimal glands between the surface of the eye and the eyelid, serving to moisten and lubricate these parts and keep them clear of foreign particles. Synonyms: teardrop.
2.
Tears. Crying. So easy and natural for some, not quite so for me. I do not know exactly how or where I got the idea, the 'tape', the message, that I should not cry. That crying won't solve anything, that I don't deserve to cry - because really, is my life so bad? Really, are you going to cry about this? Others have it so much worse, why are you crying? Look at all the good in your life, you don't need to cry about this. Suck it up, and get over it, look at the bright side ... (what ever it may be for the situation, and there was always something bright to find, if I looked hard enough) - this doesn't deserve tears!
... and so, I would swallow the tears, the emotion. I would put on the happy face, TRY to breath, and move along with my day, night, life. And thus, having shoved down yet another round of intense emotion to add to the growing, compacted pile, I would carry on.
That is until recently. Perhaps within the past 2 weeks. I have allowed myself to start crying. The bouts don't last long, but are exhausting none the less. Great chest wracking, hyperventilating sobs that are releasing the pent up STUFF. Then I quiet down, and can breath and feel ... EXHAUSTED. But oh so much better. Releasing the emotion is wonderful WHY didn't I do this before? Because it was a sign of weakness? Because I felt I needed to carry all that emotion, ALL THE TIME?! Because I needed to be strong, and PROVE I could 'carry on.' Prove it to who??? Oh, that's right, all of you ... and me. Perhaps one day I will figure it out (and really, if I don't find out the reason, but can stop the pattern, that's ok!), but for now, I'm allowing myself to cry, when I can. When the sensation hits me. And I know a lot of it is not coming from just these most recent events, but from all the other times I pushed down a fear, a sadness, a personal injustice It's the compounded effect of years of emotions tied together, which is why I think its so utterly, wonderfully, exhausting.
No, that is not sarcasm - I welcome the exhaustion. Holding onto all that emotion kept me restless, filled with anxiety and all sorts of insomnia. Restless, sleepless nights; waking with racing thoughts. To feel a moment, or a couple hours of pure, worn out exhaustion is - oddly, welcomed. The healing sleep that comes after is restorative. Its brief, and good.
Just as much as the absence of love can hurt; the presence of love also heals. Self love, understanding, compassion, unexpected gestures, a hug, a knowing/understanding look - all these and more, are love. It doesn't have to be fireworks and lightening strikes. It can be appreciating the thoughtfulness of another, a moment of understanding, a glimpse of peace during meditation. These are love, compassion, HOPE. Tears of healing, of love. Expressing themselves just as the hurt also comes out.
And today's thought is: 'Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.' - Maya Angelou
this fluid appearing in or flowing from the eye as the result of emotion, especially grief: to shed tears.
Tears. Crying. So easy and natural for some, not quite so for me. I do not know exactly how or where I got the idea, the 'tape', the message, that I should not cry. That crying won't solve anything, that I don't deserve to cry - because really, is my life so bad? Really, are you going to cry about this? Others have it so much worse, why are you crying? Look at all the good in your life, you don't need to cry about this. Suck it up, and get over it, look at the bright side ... (what ever it may be for the situation, and there was always something bright to find, if I looked hard enough) - this doesn't deserve tears!
... and so, I would swallow the tears, the emotion. I would put on the happy face, TRY to breath, and move along with my day, night, life. And thus, having shoved down yet another round of intense emotion to add to the growing, compacted pile, I would carry on.
That is until recently. Perhaps within the past 2 weeks. I have allowed myself to start crying. The bouts don't last long, but are exhausting none the less. Great chest wracking, hyperventilating sobs that are releasing the pent up STUFF. Then I quiet down, and can breath and feel ... EXHAUSTED. But oh so much better. Releasing the emotion is wonderful WHY didn't I do this before? Because it was a sign of weakness? Because I felt I needed to carry all that emotion, ALL THE TIME?! Because I needed to be strong, and PROVE I could 'carry on.' Prove it to who??? Oh, that's right, all of you ... and me. Perhaps one day I will figure it out (and really, if I don't find out the reason, but can stop the pattern, that's ok!), but for now, I'm allowing myself to cry, when I can. When the sensation hits me. And I know a lot of it is not coming from just these most recent events, but from all the other times I pushed down a fear, a sadness, a personal injustice It's the compounded effect of years of emotions tied together, which is why I think its so utterly, wonderfully, exhausting.
No, that is not sarcasm - I welcome the exhaustion. Holding onto all that emotion kept me restless, filled with anxiety and all sorts of insomnia. Restless, sleepless nights; waking with racing thoughts. To feel a moment, or a couple hours of pure, worn out exhaustion is - oddly, welcomed. The healing sleep that comes after is restorative. Its brief, and good.
Which all gives me HOPE. Hope for a brighter tomorrow. I can see glimmers here and there, that each one is a bit better. I can feel myself healing a little bit. And I thank each of my friends and family members for their support and compassion. Compassion which also brings tears to my eyes, and sometimes sets off the quiet, streaming down the cheeks, loving, healing kind. The kind that twists and tugs at my tender, hurting heart. And, I step back and realize, compassion has always made me cry. To know and feel another's love is a very special, heart tugging experience. A friend once told me that tears of compassion are a gift. I had shared that I often cry when I actually do get to church, and was wondering what it meant. She said it was a gift, a way to recognize love ... I have held onto that little conversation, and I think I have begun to understand it.
Just as much as the absence of love can hurt; the presence of love also heals. Self love, understanding, compassion, unexpected gestures, a hug, a knowing/understanding look - all these and more, are love. It doesn't have to be fireworks and lightening strikes. It can be appreciating the thoughtfulness of another, a moment of understanding, a glimpse of peace during meditation. These are love, compassion, HOPE. Tears of healing, of love. Expressing themselves just as the hurt also comes out.
And today's thought is: 'Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.' - Maya Angelou
Monday, February 11, 2013
Mornings are the Worst
In the past month +, I have had perhaps a handful, or less of mornings in which Anxiety did not jolt me awake. In which the first few hours of being conscious did not seem like an endless tape of negative thoughts, "whyamihere, whatamigoingtodo, whydidibreakupwithhim, isheok, whycouldntihavespokenupsooner, howamigoingtopayrent, Ineedtogetupandgetgoing, todowhat, whyamihere, howamigoingtopayrent, whatdoiwanttodowithmylife, doiwanttostayinhospitality, ineedtofindajob, whatdoiwanttodo ... and REPEAT and add in more of the same ... or similar thoughts.
I know why mornings are the worse. It's the time when you are emotionally bare, when the heart and mind are least veiled and protected, and the heart can speak it's truths to a mind wide open. It's these morning sessions that have brought me many truths in the past. Even the ones I didn't want to hear. The ones I ignored for a long, long time.
Mornings are hard because it's when we would always text 'good morning' and a few other messages to get our days going. Just as evenings, just before bed are difficult. For the same reason, and because I have the anxiety of going to sleep, knowing that morning is coming, on the other side of sleep. Sleep that is mostly interrupted and fleeting.
Mornings are also hard, especially now, because I do not have a job to go to. They were hard when I did have work, but I had a schedule for the day. Get up, meditate, make breakfast, (no lunch because my appetite was limited, and I had just as limited ambition) shower, get dressed, go to work ...
So I have decided and implemented scheduling for the day. Some days are easier than others. Some mornings I fight my schedule, wondering if I can cancel this or that and just stay in bed. But I do my best to follow the daily plan.
Get up, meditate/write/draw/oracle card of the day, walk - weather permitting, breakfast, and hopefully a daily activity such as an appointment, visiting, or outing. Evenings are Tae Kwon Do or dinner out with friends, or an evening visit, movie, more journaling. I have some ongoing projects that I work through and these help me feel productive. My newest activity is job searching ... job discovery. 'What do I want to do with my career' ... this helps calm the 'howamigoingtopayrent' thought process.
Mornings are the worst, but I am tackling each of those heart fears, those Ego fears in every way I can. Through optimism, reading, writing, drawing, daily activity, and sharing with friends.
It's not so much running away from the feeling, as hearing it, acknowledging it, and trying to work through it the best way I know how. Alone and with help from others.
Some helpful thoughts:
'We are not meant to live this life alone'
'Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions'
'Today is your day to let go of things that no longer serve you'
I know why mornings are the worse. It's the time when you are emotionally bare, when the heart and mind are least veiled and protected, and the heart can speak it's truths to a mind wide open. It's these morning sessions that have brought me many truths in the past. Even the ones I didn't want to hear. The ones I ignored for a long, long time.
Mornings are hard because it's when we would always text 'good morning' and a few other messages to get our days going. Just as evenings, just before bed are difficult. For the same reason, and because I have the anxiety of going to sleep, knowing that morning is coming, on the other side of sleep. Sleep that is mostly interrupted and fleeting.
Mornings are also hard, especially now, because I do not have a job to go to. They were hard when I did have work, but I had a schedule for the day. Get up, meditate, make breakfast, (no lunch because my appetite was limited, and I had just as limited ambition) shower, get dressed, go to work ...
So I have decided and implemented scheduling for the day. Some days are easier than others. Some mornings I fight my schedule, wondering if I can cancel this or that and just stay in bed. But I do my best to follow the daily plan.
Get up, meditate/write/draw/oracle card of the day, walk - weather permitting, breakfast, and hopefully a daily activity such as an appointment, visiting, or outing. Evenings are Tae Kwon Do or dinner out with friends, or an evening visit, movie, more journaling. I have some ongoing projects that I work through and these help me feel productive. My newest activity is job searching ... job discovery. 'What do I want to do with my career' ... this helps calm the 'howamigoingtopayrent' thought process.
Mornings are the worst, but I am tackling each of those heart fears, those Ego fears in every way I can. Through optimism, reading, writing, drawing, daily activity, and sharing with friends.
It's not so much running away from the feeling, as hearing it, acknowledging it, and trying to work through it the best way I know how. Alone and with help from others.
Some helpful thoughts:
'We are not meant to live this life alone'
'Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions'
'Today is your day to let go of things that no longer serve you'
The Beginning is not always the Start
The morning dawned cold and clear - a brilliant sunny day, that was at war with how I was feeling inside. Gazing sleepily at the walls, I knew the day would be long, and the anxiety had already started, building as it had for weeks in my chest, fogging my brain. Today was the day I would go to gather my belongings from his house, and would say good bye. Perhaps not forever, but for awhile at least. To let us both heal, if possible, from the emotional hell we were both experiencing. Yes, even as the one to initiate the break, I was (am) hurting.
I arrived at work, keyed up and trying to stay calm inside. It would be a long day, anticipating what I needed to do that night. I remember talking to my housekeeping manager about changing schedules a bit if needed to accommodate my anticipated Tae Kwon Do classes. I had just that morning emailed the Master of the dojang, requesting information. I remember having gone over astrology readings with my Front Desk Supervisor, bewildered by the hind sight accuracy. I remember doing the annoying, time consuming KRONOS trainings, to ensure I was up-to-date with all 10+ of them ...
I remember answering the phone at the Front Desk, feeling my stomach fall, and my heart rate increase when my boss told me she was sending a relief person down so I could go talk to her in the office.
Yes, it was going to be a long day ... but for reasons I never would have guessed that morning. Yes, it was going to be a day filled with anxiety and a full body numbing sensation ... because that was the day I also lost my job, January 23rd, 2013.
I was given a box, my final checks, a request (after asking) to not speak with anyone on my way out. I was polite, I was accommodating, I was hyperventilating for real and in my mind. And yet, was also filled with a strange peace.
I have told this story numerous times now. I left my workplace of 3+ (almost 4) years, my company of over 8 years, the ONLY company of my adult career - with a feeling of hope. A feeling, a belief, that this was a clean slate, a hope and knowing that I would find a new job quickly, and all would be well. Following the river home, the sun shining - leading me along, the light twinkling off the water to my right, I was talking on my head set with family and friends, and I was filled with hope. A hope and a disbelief; I now know it was a state of shock. Yet, still a hope that has carried me along these past few weeks, and yet flees me from time to time.
In those times, dark thoughts and feelings of loss, and being lost and alone fill my mind, and encroach on my heart. When that happens, I hear the words of strength, given to me by my cousin, who has endured more than her share of grief,
"We are not meant to live this life alone" - meaning reach out for help and support
"Let yourself Cry, feel those raw emotions, feel them and heal ..."
and most importantly for me, "why do you need to be strong. We are strong for others, not ourselves ..."
With those thoughts, and the help, support, love, encouragement, and wisdom of friends and family I have been grieving the death of 2 very important parts of my life. My relationship, and my career/job.
I have been given a gift, a new start. A clean slate. And I am working through it. This blog is my Journey, in Progress. For there is no true start, or beginning, or ending. It's a journey, and I hope I can find clarity through my writing and perhaps offer hope and inspiration to others. I foresee a few back to back entries, discussing a few of the insights I have had already. And then I shall write when the inspiration takes me.
It's a journey, and one I hope you will join me on for even a little while.
I arrived at work, keyed up and trying to stay calm inside. It would be a long day, anticipating what I needed to do that night. I remember talking to my housekeeping manager about changing schedules a bit if needed to accommodate my anticipated Tae Kwon Do classes. I had just that morning emailed the Master of the dojang, requesting information. I remember having gone over astrology readings with my Front Desk Supervisor, bewildered by the hind sight accuracy. I remember doing the annoying, time consuming KRONOS trainings, to ensure I was up-to-date with all 10+ of them ...
I remember answering the phone at the Front Desk, feeling my stomach fall, and my heart rate increase when my boss told me she was sending a relief person down so I could go talk to her in the office.
Yes, it was going to be a long day ... but for reasons I never would have guessed that morning. Yes, it was going to be a day filled with anxiety and a full body numbing sensation ... because that was the day I also lost my job, January 23rd, 2013.
I was given a box, my final checks, a request (after asking) to not speak with anyone on my way out. I was polite, I was accommodating, I was hyperventilating for real and in my mind. And yet, was also filled with a strange peace.
I have told this story numerous times now. I left my workplace of 3+ (almost 4) years, my company of over 8 years, the ONLY company of my adult career - with a feeling of hope. A feeling, a belief, that this was a clean slate, a hope and knowing that I would find a new job quickly, and all would be well. Following the river home, the sun shining - leading me along, the light twinkling off the water to my right, I was talking on my head set with family and friends, and I was filled with hope. A hope and a disbelief; I now know it was a state of shock. Yet, still a hope that has carried me along these past few weeks, and yet flees me from time to time.
In those times, dark thoughts and feelings of loss, and being lost and alone fill my mind, and encroach on my heart. When that happens, I hear the words of strength, given to me by my cousin, who has endured more than her share of grief,
"We are not meant to live this life alone" - meaning reach out for help and support
"Let yourself Cry, feel those raw emotions, feel them and heal ..."
and most importantly for me, "why do you need to be strong. We are strong for others, not ourselves ..."
With those thoughts, and the help, support, love, encouragement, and wisdom of friends and family I have been grieving the death of 2 very important parts of my life. My relationship, and my career/job.
I have been given a gift, a new start. A clean slate. And I am working through it. This blog is my Journey, in Progress. For there is no true start, or beginning, or ending. It's a journey, and I hope I can find clarity through my writing and perhaps offer hope and inspiration to others. I foresee a few back to back entries, discussing a few of the insights I have had already. And then I shall write when the inspiration takes me.
It's a journey, and one I hope you will join me on for even a little while.
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