Limitations. I strongly dislike the word. I have always disliked
the word. Perhaps its because I have always pushed through and felt I
needed to 'prove' things to the world at large. Obtaining great grades,
being the best at whatever I did. Pushing to prove 'I CAN DO IT'
whatever 'IT' happens to be.
Yet there comes a time
when Limitations must be acknowledged. Even when I don't want to admit
it, when I don't want to see them.
Ever since my back
surgery, and really even before that, I have known that I have physical
limitations. The jokes regarding shooting a bow and arrow, playing
guitar, or adequately executing yoga's infamous 'downward dog'
position. I know I'm a bit short handed and some, SOME things are
beyond my ability. But when I started Karate in 2004 I found something I
could be GOOD at. Something that gave me a sense of pride and
confidence in my physical ability. In Illinois I started TKD and LOVED
it. I was also much better conditioned from 6months at Curves Gym, but
still, I succeed and did well in class. Then in Philly I started Ju
Jitsu. And although it was very challenging, I did well! I was losing
weight and became aware of and in control of my body in new and awesome
ways.
So, when I started TKD again a month ago - I
figured I'd be fine. Then I joined the gym and thought, hey! No
problem. And I felt I needed to prove that I COULD do these things.
That I could just jump in full force and do it - because I HAD done it
before.
But that was before my back surgery. Before back flare-ups that freak me out, hoping I don't need to go under the knife again.
That was before the (recently diagnosed) degenerative Arthritis was so
bad. That was before I messed up said knee 3 times in the last 6
months.
Limitations. My body now has these ugly,
horrible limitations that make me want to scream. I want to be
healthy, I want to exercise doing what I love. But what I love seems to
be hurting me. I don't want to be the 'special one' in class,
modifying every exercise. Not doing squats or lunges because my knee
can't take it. I don't want to be the one doing just 20-50 roundhouse
kicks instead of 100-200 because it will flare up my back. I love the
art, I love the practice - but right now, and perhaps forever, my body
can't handle it anymore.
And thus I have limitations. I
wanted to do the color Run with my friends this summer - but I have been
told, no high impact activities for my knee. I understand why. I
don't relish the idea of a knee replacement by age 35 or 40. And that's
what could end up happening ...
Limitations that make me
sit back and re-evaluate what is good in my life. What I TRULY want to
do, and what I CAN do, without the PAIN of 'proving' it.
Hiking - easy, moderate trails
Walking
Swimming
Stationary bike
These are the things that I CAN do. So if anyone out there is interested, I'm looking for new activities partners!
And I come prepared with Ibuprofen and Ice Packs galore!
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Monday, March 18, 2013
Saturday, February 23, 2013
A picture is worth a thousand words (and memories)
I sync'd my iPhone to my computer tonight and updated my music selection. Which lead me to see that I only had .5GB of space left. I figured it was time to clean up my photos. 3.4GB is quite a few ...
So many memories from the beginning of my relationship through present. I realize now that I have been pushing down the good times, and remembering mostly the bad. Going through the photos and sorting them into files (because I'm a bit neurotic that way) and then deleting them (no, not all, not yet) from my phone brought flashbacks of ALL our times together. Seeing my smiling face, OUR smiling faces - made me remember the good times, the happy, bliss filled moments, the hopes & dreams of our future. The reason(s) I wanted us to work for so very long. The reason(s) why I could ignore that little voice and push it away. We did have MANY good times, and I have the photo story book to prove it.
And yet, even with the positive, happy memories came the slow crawling shadow of doubt, about 3 minutes behind that warm rush. Presently, the little voice colored over some of those moments and with that, I know the balance is coming. The ability to look at the past and smile and be thankful for what we had. I know it will take time and I know for now I will look at the pictures and sometimes, I'll forget that I broke it off; For a moment, like tonight, I will be back in time and feel my own happiness. Then, I will look up, see my surroundings, and know I am moving on.
It has been a roller coaster, and I am glad I went through the pictures. I'm glad I felt the emotions, and could recognize them for what they are, and what they represent to me. I didn't dig too deeply. I'm working on (and through) that elsewhere. Right now, I just wanted to make space, save the pictures, and take another step towards closure and the future. It makes me feel slightly guilty, but I know it's all part of the process.
And - I cleaned up 1.4GB of space in my iPhone picture stash! It's all about the small steps right? And being present, in the moment. Right here, right now.
"If you're depressed, you're living in the past.
If you're anxious, you're living in the future.
If you're at peace, you're living in the present."
-Lao Tzu
So many memories from the beginning of my relationship through present. I realize now that I have been pushing down the good times, and remembering mostly the bad. Going through the photos and sorting them into files (because I'm a bit neurotic that way) and then deleting them (no, not all, not yet) from my phone brought flashbacks of ALL our times together. Seeing my smiling face, OUR smiling faces - made me remember the good times, the happy, bliss filled moments, the hopes & dreams of our future. The reason(s) I wanted us to work for so very long. The reason(s) why I could ignore that little voice and push it away. We did have MANY good times, and I have the photo story book to prove it.
And yet, even with the positive, happy memories came the slow crawling shadow of doubt, about 3 minutes behind that warm rush. Presently, the little voice colored over some of those moments and with that, I know the balance is coming. The ability to look at the past and smile and be thankful for what we had. I know it will take time and I know for now I will look at the pictures and sometimes, I'll forget that I broke it off; For a moment, like tonight, I will be back in time and feel my own happiness. Then, I will look up, see my surroundings, and know I am moving on.
It has been a roller coaster, and I am glad I went through the pictures. I'm glad I felt the emotions, and could recognize them for what they are, and what they represent to me. I didn't dig too deeply. I'm working on (and through) that elsewhere. Right now, I just wanted to make space, save the pictures, and take another step towards closure and the future. It makes me feel slightly guilty, but I know it's all part of the process.
And - I cleaned up 1.4GB of space in my iPhone picture stash! It's all about the small steps right? And being present, in the moment. Right here, right now.
"If you're depressed, you're living in the past.
If you're anxious, you're living in the future.
If you're at peace, you're living in the present."
-Lao Tzu
Monday, February 11, 2013
The Beginning is not always the Start
The morning dawned cold and clear - a brilliant sunny day, that was at war with how I was feeling inside. Gazing sleepily at the walls, I knew the day would be long, and the anxiety had already started, building as it had for weeks in my chest, fogging my brain. Today was the day I would go to gather my belongings from his house, and would say good bye. Perhaps not forever, but for awhile at least. To let us both heal, if possible, from the emotional hell we were both experiencing. Yes, even as the one to initiate the break, I was (am) hurting.
I arrived at work, keyed up and trying to stay calm inside. It would be a long day, anticipating what I needed to do that night. I remember talking to my housekeeping manager about changing schedules a bit if needed to accommodate my anticipated Tae Kwon Do classes. I had just that morning emailed the Master of the dojang, requesting information. I remember having gone over astrology readings with my Front Desk Supervisor, bewildered by the hind sight accuracy. I remember doing the annoying, time consuming KRONOS trainings, to ensure I was up-to-date with all 10+ of them ...
I remember answering the phone at the Front Desk, feeling my stomach fall, and my heart rate increase when my boss told me she was sending a relief person down so I could go talk to her in the office.
Yes, it was going to be a long day ... but for reasons I never would have guessed that morning. Yes, it was going to be a day filled with anxiety and a full body numbing sensation ... because that was the day I also lost my job, January 23rd, 2013.
I was given a box, my final checks, a request (after asking) to not speak with anyone on my way out. I was polite, I was accommodating, I was hyperventilating for real and in my mind. And yet, was also filled with a strange peace.
I have told this story numerous times now. I left my workplace of 3+ (almost 4) years, my company of over 8 years, the ONLY company of my adult career - with a feeling of hope. A feeling, a belief, that this was a clean slate, a hope and knowing that I would find a new job quickly, and all would be well. Following the river home, the sun shining - leading me along, the light twinkling off the water to my right, I was talking on my head set with family and friends, and I was filled with hope. A hope and a disbelief; I now know it was a state of shock. Yet, still a hope that has carried me along these past few weeks, and yet flees me from time to time.
In those times, dark thoughts and feelings of loss, and being lost and alone fill my mind, and encroach on my heart. When that happens, I hear the words of strength, given to me by my cousin, who has endured more than her share of grief,
"We are not meant to live this life alone" - meaning reach out for help and support
"Let yourself Cry, feel those raw emotions, feel them and heal ..."
and most importantly for me, "why do you need to be strong. We are strong for others, not ourselves ..."
With those thoughts, and the help, support, love, encouragement, and wisdom of friends and family I have been grieving the death of 2 very important parts of my life. My relationship, and my career/job.
I have been given a gift, a new start. A clean slate. And I am working through it. This blog is my Journey, in Progress. For there is no true start, or beginning, or ending. It's a journey, and I hope I can find clarity through my writing and perhaps offer hope and inspiration to others. I foresee a few back to back entries, discussing a few of the insights I have had already. And then I shall write when the inspiration takes me.
It's a journey, and one I hope you will join me on for even a little while.
I arrived at work, keyed up and trying to stay calm inside. It would be a long day, anticipating what I needed to do that night. I remember talking to my housekeeping manager about changing schedules a bit if needed to accommodate my anticipated Tae Kwon Do classes. I had just that morning emailed the Master of the dojang, requesting information. I remember having gone over astrology readings with my Front Desk Supervisor, bewildered by the hind sight accuracy. I remember doing the annoying, time consuming KRONOS trainings, to ensure I was up-to-date with all 10+ of them ...
I remember answering the phone at the Front Desk, feeling my stomach fall, and my heart rate increase when my boss told me she was sending a relief person down so I could go talk to her in the office.
Yes, it was going to be a long day ... but for reasons I never would have guessed that morning. Yes, it was going to be a day filled with anxiety and a full body numbing sensation ... because that was the day I also lost my job, January 23rd, 2013.
I was given a box, my final checks, a request (after asking) to not speak with anyone on my way out. I was polite, I was accommodating, I was hyperventilating for real and in my mind. And yet, was also filled with a strange peace.
I have told this story numerous times now. I left my workplace of 3+ (almost 4) years, my company of over 8 years, the ONLY company of my adult career - with a feeling of hope. A feeling, a belief, that this was a clean slate, a hope and knowing that I would find a new job quickly, and all would be well. Following the river home, the sun shining - leading me along, the light twinkling off the water to my right, I was talking on my head set with family and friends, and I was filled with hope. A hope and a disbelief; I now know it was a state of shock. Yet, still a hope that has carried me along these past few weeks, and yet flees me from time to time.
In those times, dark thoughts and feelings of loss, and being lost and alone fill my mind, and encroach on my heart. When that happens, I hear the words of strength, given to me by my cousin, who has endured more than her share of grief,
"We are not meant to live this life alone" - meaning reach out for help and support
"Let yourself Cry, feel those raw emotions, feel them and heal ..."
and most importantly for me, "why do you need to be strong. We are strong for others, not ourselves ..."
With those thoughts, and the help, support, love, encouragement, and wisdom of friends and family I have been grieving the death of 2 very important parts of my life. My relationship, and my career/job.
I have been given a gift, a new start. A clean slate. And I am working through it. This blog is my Journey, in Progress. For there is no true start, or beginning, or ending. It's a journey, and I hope I can find clarity through my writing and perhaps offer hope and inspiration to others. I foresee a few back to back entries, discussing a few of the insights I have had already. And then I shall write when the inspiration takes me.
It's a journey, and one I hope you will join me on for even a little while.
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