When Does it Stop?

When does the pain stop, and the acceptance and peace move in?  When will the tears stop coming to the surface when I'm not constantly being present IN the moment?  When?  When does the grief stop sneaking up on me?

TIME.  I have time.  Time to think.  Time to idle.  Time to rest.  ... TIME, that supposedly heals all wounds, heals the hurts.  Supposedly.  I know it's only true in so much that eventually, it won't be as fresh.  As raw.  I know, in my own way that I will heal.  That time will do 'it's thing.'  

But today, I wonder - when?  

Today (well, yesterday at this point), was his Birthday.  Another round of hopes, dreams, and expectations that are not to be.  Another mile marker on this journey called life, still progressing along.  Dropping people off here and there, new players coming on field, others stepping off, new adventures on the way.  But it HURTS.  Today, it HURTS.  Because I have all this TIME.  I thought I was past the tears.  I learned today I am not. 

I am crying for the past.  I am crying for the future.  I am crying for all the times I didn't cry about him, and others.  It's all linked.  One relationship to the next - there are common threads - And with this TIME, I am completing the steps for each one, and that brings tears.  I can see where I went 'wrong' - I can see the patterns, and I can see where and how I can do better in the future - so long as I am open to it.  And I can also see how I really did so much better this last time ...  

Today was a hard day.  A sad day.  Hopes, Dreams, and Expectations came rushing back.  And all I have is TIME to think it through.  So the tears fell, I wrote, I felt, I talked it out, I visited with a friend.  

And still I wonder ... When does it stop? 

A picture is worth a thousand words (and memories)

I sync'd my iPhone to my computer tonight and updated my music selection.  Which lead me to see that I only had .5GB of space left.  I figured it was time to clean up my photos.  3.4GB is quite a few ...

So many memories from the beginning of my relationship through present.  I realize now that I have been pushing down the good times, and remembering mostly the bad.  Going through the photos and sorting them into files (because I'm a bit neurotic that way) and then deleting them (no, not all, not yet) from my phone brought flashbacks of ALL our times together.  Seeing my smiling face, OUR smiling faces - made me remember the good times, the happy, bliss filled moments, the hopes & dreams of our future.  The reason(s) I wanted us to work for so very long.  The reason(s) why I could ignore that little voice and push it away.  We did have MANY good times, and I have the photo story book to prove it.  

And yet, even with the positive, happy memories came the slow crawling shadow of doubt, about 3 minutes behind that warm rush.  Presently, the little voice colored over some of those moments and with that, I know the balance is coming.  The ability to look at the past and smile and be thankful for what we had.  I know it will take time and I know for now I will look at the pictures and sometimes, I'll forget that I broke it off; For a moment, like tonight, I will be back in time and feel my own happiness.  Then, I will look up, see my surroundings, and know I am moving on.  

It has been a roller coaster, and I am glad I went through the pictures.  I'm glad I felt the emotions, and could recognize them for what they are, and what they represent to me.  I didn't dig too deeply.  I'm working on (and through) that elsewhere.  Right now, I just wanted to make space, save the pictures, and take another step towards closure and the future.  It makes me feel slightly guilty, but I know it's all part of the process.  

And - I cleaned up 1.4GB of space in my iPhone picture stash!  It's all about the small steps right?  And being present, in the moment.  Right here, right now.

"If you're depressed, you're living in the past. 
If you're anxious, you're living in the future. 
If you're at peace, you're living in the present." 

-Lao Tzu