Before I go for the night: A note on Progress
I AM healing. In my own way. I re-read my Blog and I can see the healing steps in each of my entries. Moments captured that give an insight to the progress I build upon each day.
I have a new resume! I am taking classes at the Lowell Career Center. I am utilizing their FREE resources to understand the job market and to learn about any new possibilities for my next job or career.
My knee pain is virtually gone (for the moment!) and my back tingling is limited and under much better control. I have figured out that my futon needs to go, so I have also been hunting for new SUPPORTIVE furniture. I have Physical Therapy 2-3 times a week to ensure I will be OK in the future.
I am starting to walk each day again, and I can feel myself getting stronger.
I have been on a couple interviews and those give me confidence that I will re-join the workforce again, when the time and job are right. These interviews have also helped clarify what I do and don't want in a job.
I have started planning the TKD December Awards Banquet with my friend
Vicki. It's great to be the meeting room customer for a change ;)
I'm not completely decided on my continuation of TKD just yet. There are many pros and cons to be weighed out. For now - I am suspending my membership for a couple months to heal my knee, and strengthen it and my back.
I have some goals each and every day, week, month. I am waking up early again, and getting out of the house. I am seeing friends - my social calendar is busier than it has been in a long time! I am actually maintaining active friendships.
And I need to recognize my own progress. It does not have to match any one else's. It is mine, and I own it with Pride. I HAVE done a lot. Others may not see it, it may not be tangible - but in my world - my knowledge and understanding and work are HUGE. I appreciate the steps I have been able to take. The PROGRESS I have made.
Thought for the Night:
"Beautiful Pictures are developed from negatives in a dark room ...
So if you see darkness in your life, be assured that a beautiful picture is being prepared."
Monday, March 25, 2013
Breaking Free
This past week has been a roller coaster of sorts. I received 'the email' - updating me so kindly to the fact that he has a new lady in his life. This was a sucker punch to the gut at first. Humiliation made its rounds once I could breath again, and then, then came the Anger.
And yet through it all, it wasn't about HIM. It was about the next round of good byes to the dream that wasn't. The dream I see my friends and co-workers partaking in even now. 4 engagements in the past month and a wedding next month. So many people moving on, and he is too. I can't speak to how healthy that is, but to each their own way of progressing.
And I, I am doing OK. For this entire time, we have stayed linked on Facebook. Granted, a dear friend helped preserve my sanity early on by adjusting the settings so nothing would populate in my news feed, but we were still friends. I have struggled with severing the last connections and couldn't understand why. To the very core of my being I knew (know) I made the right choice. The right choice for me. I guess perhaps I had hoped for an understanding, for some way to maintain a connection. But as each day passed, I could see that holding on was like constantly looking back. Even when I wanted to move forward. Letting go of a dream is hard, so very, very hard.
It's so strange to think that just 10 years ago, this would not have been a problem. We live so far apart that the probability of running into each other is slim to none. We share only 1 or 2 friends, and at that we rarely hang out. We don't text or call anymore. 10 years ago, this would have been completely over, a month ago. Technology really does connect us in more ways than we realize. And the habits we create around technology - refresh, update, refresh, update ... lurking. It's insane!
So tonight, I broke free. A moment of slight heart ache and the pressure of tears as the name disappeared and the picture blinked out of the friend chat list. And then - Thank God, Relief!
A refresh of the page and the relief surged again.
I am saying good bye to a set of Dreams, and it still hurts, and I know it will for awhile.
But more Dreams will come, and will fit me and my life better. And the inner knowledge of that is just as bone deep as my decision to leave.
Just as I needed time to mourn (and still do a bit), I am better. I am making peace with my decisions, and understanding where I was coming from, what I was doing, and what will be different next time. It's these steps along that way that help me through the hard times. To know I too, am Breaking Free to explore the next possibilities :)
And yet through it all, it wasn't about HIM. It was about the next round of good byes to the dream that wasn't. The dream I see my friends and co-workers partaking in even now. 4 engagements in the past month and a wedding next month. So many people moving on, and he is too. I can't speak to how healthy that is, but to each their own way of progressing.
And I, I am doing OK. For this entire time, we have stayed linked on Facebook. Granted, a dear friend helped preserve my sanity early on by adjusting the settings so nothing would populate in my news feed, but we were still friends. I have struggled with severing the last connections and couldn't understand why. To the very core of my being I knew (know) I made the right choice. The right choice for me. I guess perhaps I had hoped for an understanding, for some way to maintain a connection. But as each day passed, I could see that holding on was like constantly looking back. Even when I wanted to move forward. Letting go of a dream is hard, so very, very hard.
It's so strange to think that just 10 years ago, this would not have been a problem. We live so far apart that the probability of running into each other is slim to none. We share only 1 or 2 friends, and at that we rarely hang out. We don't text or call anymore. 10 years ago, this would have been completely over, a month ago. Technology really does connect us in more ways than we realize. And the habits we create around technology - refresh, update, refresh, update ... lurking. It's insane!
So tonight, I broke free. A moment of slight heart ache and the pressure of tears as the name disappeared and the picture blinked out of the friend chat list. And then - Thank God, Relief!
A refresh of the page and the relief surged again.
I am saying good bye to a set of Dreams, and it still hurts, and I know it will for awhile.
But more Dreams will come, and will fit me and my life better. And the inner knowledge of that is just as bone deep as my decision to leave.
Just as I needed time to mourn (and still do a bit), I am better. I am making peace with my decisions, and understanding where I was coming from, what I was doing, and what will be different next time. It's these steps along that way that help me through the hard times. To know I too, am Breaking Free to explore the next possibilities :)
Monday, March 18, 2013
Limitations
Limitations. I strongly dislike the word. I have always disliked
the word. Perhaps its because I have always pushed through and felt I
needed to 'prove' things to the world at large. Obtaining great grades,
being the best at whatever I did. Pushing to prove 'I CAN DO IT'
whatever 'IT' happens to be.
Yet there comes a time when Limitations must be acknowledged. Even when I don't want to admit it, when I don't want to see them.
Ever since my back surgery, and really even before that, I have known that I have physical limitations. The jokes regarding shooting a bow and arrow, playing guitar, or adequately executing yoga's infamous 'downward dog' position. I know I'm a bit short handed and some, SOME things are beyond my ability. But when I started Karate in 2004 I found something I could be GOOD at. Something that gave me a sense of pride and confidence in my physical ability. In Illinois I started TKD and LOVED it. I was also much better conditioned from 6months at Curves Gym, but still, I succeed and did well in class. Then in Philly I started Ju Jitsu. And although it was very challenging, I did well! I was losing weight and became aware of and in control of my body in new and awesome ways.
So, when I started TKD again a month ago - I figured I'd be fine. Then I joined the gym and thought, hey! No problem. And I felt I needed to prove that I COULD do these things. That I could just jump in full force and do it - because I HAD done it before.
But that was before my back surgery. Before back flare-ups that freak me out, hoping I don't need to go under the knife again. That was before the (recently diagnosed) degenerative Arthritis was so bad. That was before I messed up said knee 3 times in the last 6 months.
Limitations. My body now has these ugly, horrible limitations that make me want to scream. I want to be healthy, I want to exercise doing what I love. But what I love seems to be hurting me. I don't want to be the 'special one' in class, modifying every exercise. Not doing squats or lunges because my knee can't take it. I don't want to be the one doing just 20-50 roundhouse kicks instead of 100-200 because it will flare up my back. I love the art, I love the practice - but right now, and perhaps forever, my body can't handle it anymore.
And thus I have limitations. I wanted to do the color Run with my friends this summer - but I have been told, no high impact activities for my knee. I understand why. I don't relish the idea of a knee replacement by age 35 or 40. And that's what could end up happening ...
Limitations that make me sit back and re-evaluate what is good in my life. What I TRULY want to do, and what I CAN do, without the PAIN of 'proving' it.
Hiking - easy, moderate trails
Walking
Swimming
Stationary bike
These are the things that I CAN do. So if anyone out there is interested, I'm looking for new activities partners!
And I come prepared with Ibuprofen and Ice Packs galore!
Yet there comes a time when Limitations must be acknowledged. Even when I don't want to admit it, when I don't want to see them.
Ever since my back surgery, and really even before that, I have known that I have physical limitations. The jokes regarding shooting a bow and arrow, playing guitar, or adequately executing yoga's infamous 'downward dog' position. I know I'm a bit short handed and some, SOME things are beyond my ability. But when I started Karate in 2004 I found something I could be GOOD at. Something that gave me a sense of pride and confidence in my physical ability. In Illinois I started TKD and LOVED it. I was also much better conditioned from 6months at Curves Gym, but still, I succeed and did well in class. Then in Philly I started Ju Jitsu. And although it was very challenging, I did well! I was losing weight and became aware of and in control of my body in new and awesome ways.
So, when I started TKD again a month ago - I figured I'd be fine. Then I joined the gym and thought, hey! No problem. And I felt I needed to prove that I COULD do these things. That I could just jump in full force and do it - because I HAD done it before.
But that was before my back surgery. Before back flare-ups that freak me out, hoping I don't need to go under the knife again. That was before the (recently diagnosed) degenerative Arthritis was so bad. That was before I messed up said knee 3 times in the last 6 months.
Limitations. My body now has these ugly, horrible limitations that make me want to scream. I want to be healthy, I want to exercise doing what I love. But what I love seems to be hurting me. I don't want to be the 'special one' in class, modifying every exercise. Not doing squats or lunges because my knee can't take it. I don't want to be the one doing just 20-50 roundhouse kicks instead of 100-200 because it will flare up my back. I love the art, I love the practice - but right now, and perhaps forever, my body can't handle it anymore.
And thus I have limitations. I wanted to do the color Run with my friends this summer - but I have been told, no high impact activities for my knee. I understand why. I don't relish the idea of a knee replacement by age 35 or 40. And that's what could end up happening ...
Limitations that make me sit back and re-evaluate what is good in my life. What I TRULY want to do, and what I CAN do, without the PAIN of 'proving' it.
Hiking - easy, moderate trails
Walking
Swimming
Stationary bike
These are the things that I CAN do. So if anyone out there is interested, I'm looking for new activities partners!
And I come prepared with Ibuprofen and Ice Packs galore!
Monday, March 4, 2013
When Does it Stop?
When does the pain stop, and the acceptance and peace move in? When will the tears stop coming to the surface when I'm not constantly being present IN the moment? When? When does the grief stop sneaking up on me?
TIME. I have time. Time to think. Time to idle. Time to rest. ... TIME, that supposedly heals all wounds, heals the hurts. Supposedly. I know it's only true in so much that eventually, it won't be as fresh. As raw. I know, in my own way that I will heal. That time will do 'it's thing.'
But today, I wonder - when?
Today (well, yesterday at this point), was his Birthday. Another round of hopes, dreams, and expectations that are not to be. Another mile marker on this journey called life, still progressing along. Dropping people off here and there, new players coming on field, others stepping off, new adventures on the way. But it HURTS. Today, it HURTS. Because I have all this TIME. I thought I was past the tears. I learned today I am not.
I am crying for the past. I am crying for the future. I am crying for all the times I didn't cry about him, and others. It's all linked. One relationship to the next - there are common threads - And with this TIME, I am completing the steps for each one, and that brings tears. I can see where I went 'wrong' - I can see the patterns, and I can see where and how I can do better in the future - so long as I am open to it. And I can also see how I really did so much better this last time ...
Today was a hard day. A sad day. Hopes, Dreams, and Expectations came rushing back. And all I have is TIME to think it through. So the tears fell, I wrote, I felt, I talked it out, I visited with a friend.
And still I wonder ... When does it stop?
TIME. I have time. Time to think. Time to idle. Time to rest. ... TIME, that supposedly heals all wounds, heals the hurts. Supposedly. I know it's only true in so much that eventually, it won't be as fresh. As raw. I know, in my own way that I will heal. That time will do 'it's thing.'
But today, I wonder - when?
Today (well, yesterday at this point), was his Birthday. Another round of hopes, dreams, and expectations that are not to be. Another mile marker on this journey called life, still progressing along. Dropping people off here and there, new players coming on field, others stepping off, new adventures on the way. But it HURTS. Today, it HURTS. Because I have all this TIME. I thought I was past the tears. I learned today I am not.
I am crying for the past. I am crying for the future. I am crying for all the times I didn't cry about him, and others. It's all linked. One relationship to the next - there are common threads - And with this TIME, I am completing the steps for each one, and that brings tears. I can see where I went 'wrong' - I can see the patterns, and I can see where and how I can do better in the future - so long as I am open to it. And I can also see how I really did so much better this last time ...
Today was a hard day. A sad day. Hopes, Dreams, and Expectations came rushing back. And all I have is TIME to think it through. So the tears fell, I wrote, I felt, I talked it out, I visited with a friend.
And still I wonder ... When does it stop?
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Injuries, Intuition, & Small Victories
**Written March, 1, 2013 while Journaling at Barnes & Noble**
I can bend my knee again!! A week of inflammation, sharp pain, minor relief, then over doing it again in TKD - resulted in hobbling around my apartment and up & down stairs, hoping I wouldn't find myself in a heap at the bottom. I only have insurance for a short time more, and really, 3 flights of stairs with a busted leg or self care with a busted arm is not advisable! And now, after two days of rest, ice, arnica gel, and ibuprofen every 4-6 hours, I have a knee that can mostly bend all the way without pain!! I can stretch! Granted it's still a bit unstable, and twisting/turning is iffy - but I am on the mend! By Tuesday,I hope to return to TKD - while taking it easy in class and continuing with Ibuprofen and ice :) No squats, no lunges, and NO flip Flops!! Tomorrow I start my strengthening exercises provided by my Dr. and Physical therapists from prior flair ups. I WILL strengthen my knee and keep at it so this will happen less frequently!
I will also listen to my intuition more. You know, that quiet voice inside that tells you what to do, when its for the best? That tiny, quiet voice that encourages you to leave earlier than normal, and you miss a horrible crash, or long traffic delay. That quiet voice that tells you to call a friend, you may not have spoken to in years, and you find out you are able to help them with something? That quiet voice that told me to take it easy at the gym, and I ignored it, and a week later my knee is still sore. Yes - instinct/intuition ;) I shall listen to you more often!
Instinct/Intuition - a miraculous gift. Intuition, an inner knowing of what to do, what to say, how to proceed. I have been working through a relationship/grief book these past few weeks - really since I was let go. I have been reviewing all my past relationships, and working to 'complete' the unresolved situations, in a effort to let go, and move on. I am realizing through these reviews that I ignored my intuition MANY times. We all do. There are actually many sections of this book dedicated to intuition! It is my hope that moving forward I will listen and trust more. This is also advised in many of the spirituality books I have read, and are in the process of reading. It's truly a work in progress :)
Which brings me to small victories. I am actively trying to recognize & celebrate every win, large or small in my life. Because it's the small things over time, that help us achieve the larger wins in life. My knee recovery is a small win. Successfully hooking up my Wii and then accessing Netflix on my TV was a big WIN! (Granted, now I must limit myself to how much TV I am watching. 8+ Months without a TV or cable is now being eradicated by endless episodes of Grey's Anatomy!!! LOL). AND!!! So exciting!! Earlier this week some HUGE financial worries were absolved - and I can now breath easier knowing I am more than 'ok' for the coming months :) And that I will be able to continue Tae Kwon Do!!
The anxiety about a job is also waning and I am so very glad about that. I really enjoy this time off - the opportunity it has given me to really work on me and REST. Both my mental health and my spiritual health .. yes and physical (so long as I LISTEN to my body!!) And the opportunity to just BE. But - Those that know me well, know that I cannot be 'mindless' for long. I want to contribute to the community and the world. I like work - I'm a workaholic most of the time (working [no pun intended] on that as well - establishing habits/structures for balance in my life!). This whole 'no job' thing is really starting to bug me a bit.
So, I'm very glad that I'm not feeling as overwhelmed by the job hunt process. A large part of that alleviation is ME re-evaluating my expectations. When I was let go I thought to myself, 'YES! I can finally leave Hospitality!! This is the perfect opportunity!' And - I became overwhelmed by the prospect of finding a job outside the ONLY industry I have EVER worked in. As well as leaving the only company I have worked for in the past 10 years! That's a REALLY, REALLY huge expectation. And I stuck to it so solidly, that I would freeze every time I logged in to look for jobs. And again and again, I found myself searching for hotel jobs ...
So yes - its a great opportunity to have time to explore other options. I'm working through the book, 'What color is your parachute' which helps do a very comprehensive self-evaluation to discover a persons likes, interests, skill sets, and a number of other things (I haven't finished the book yet - lol) from ALL aspects of a persons life. It's helping my pinpoint the parts of jobs that I like, and my own expectations. With this information I hope to find a more fulfilling job. And I have come to realize that it's OK if I get a job in Hospitality. I do not have to stay there forever. I don't have to log another 10 years of my life with one company. I know I have not really liked any of my previous jobs. So maybe it was just the company I did not like. Maybe it was the type of job, or the expectations. Thus, it is with this new information I can hopefully find a job that I LIKE - or even better, one that is Fulfilling!!
And to further the job hunt, I had one meeting already and more set up with my old college professor, an informational interview with a GM in Manchester, a meeting with an adviser at the Career Center down the street, and I am attending a career center seminar (as dictated by Mass. Unemployment). I'm also looking online a few times a week. So the ball is rolling ... yay? LOL
I'm learning a lot of things about myself. Learning that I cause a lot of my own anxiety - from Absolute beliefs, that are not healthy. Old patterns that no longer serve. Patterns that are coming to light - now that I have the time to simply BE with myself - without a job or partner to bury myself in. Small Victories, turning into larger victories :)
I'm learning to Listen. To release my need for ultimate control, as I learn to relax. To think positively, and to be OK with where I am - In ALL aspects of life. I am keeping my eye on the next goal, and learning to bend, not break, as that goal changes. Learning its OK to change the goal. Really, it is. Sometimes what we want, and what we need are very different things. Both help us grow, and I remind myself: It's a journey - with many info posts, challenges, and sights along the way. And REST STOPS!!!
OH!! Another small victory, ok, really a BIG Victory. Master Seo told me when I belt test in a couple weeks - I will jump yellow belt! He's going to give me my Orange Belt. WOO!!
Victories - small and large - Celebrating them all with Gratitude ;)
I can bend my knee again!! A week of inflammation, sharp pain, minor relief, then over doing it again in TKD - resulted in hobbling around my apartment and up & down stairs, hoping I wouldn't find myself in a heap at the bottom. I only have insurance for a short time more, and really, 3 flights of stairs with a busted leg or self care with a busted arm is not advisable! And now, after two days of rest, ice, arnica gel, and ibuprofen every 4-6 hours, I have a knee that can mostly bend all the way without pain!! I can stretch! Granted it's still a bit unstable, and twisting/turning is iffy - but I am on the mend! By Tuesday,I hope to return to TKD - while taking it easy in class and continuing with Ibuprofen and ice :) No squats, no lunges, and NO flip Flops!! Tomorrow I start my strengthening exercises provided by my Dr. and Physical therapists from prior flair ups. I WILL strengthen my knee and keep at it so this will happen less frequently!
I will also listen to my intuition more. You know, that quiet voice inside that tells you what to do, when its for the best? That tiny, quiet voice that encourages you to leave earlier than normal, and you miss a horrible crash, or long traffic delay. That quiet voice that tells you to call a friend, you may not have spoken to in years, and you find out you are able to help them with something? That quiet voice that told me to take it easy at the gym, and I ignored it, and a week later my knee is still sore. Yes - instinct/intuition ;) I shall listen to you more often!
Instinct/Intuition - a miraculous gift. Intuition, an inner knowing of what to do, what to say, how to proceed. I have been working through a relationship/grief book these past few weeks - really since I was let go. I have been reviewing all my past relationships, and working to 'complete' the unresolved situations, in a effort to let go, and move on. I am realizing through these reviews that I ignored my intuition MANY times. We all do. There are actually many sections of this book dedicated to intuition! It is my hope that moving forward I will listen and trust more. This is also advised in many of the spirituality books I have read, and are in the process of reading. It's truly a work in progress :)
Which brings me to small victories. I am actively trying to recognize & celebrate every win, large or small in my life. Because it's the small things over time, that help us achieve the larger wins in life. My knee recovery is a small win. Successfully hooking up my Wii and then accessing Netflix on my TV was a big WIN! (Granted, now I must limit myself to how much TV I am watching. 8+ Months without a TV or cable is now being eradicated by endless episodes of Grey's Anatomy!!! LOL). AND!!! So exciting!! Earlier this week some HUGE financial worries were absolved - and I can now breath easier knowing I am more than 'ok' for the coming months :) And that I will be able to continue Tae Kwon Do!!
The anxiety about a job is also waning and I am so very glad about that. I really enjoy this time off - the opportunity it has given me to really work on me and REST. Both my mental health and my spiritual health .. yes and physical (so long as I LISTEN to my body!!) And the opportunity to just BE. But - Those that know me well, know that I cannot be 'mindless' for long. I want to contribute to the community and the world. I like work - I'm a workaholic most of the time (working [no pun intended] on that as well - establishing habits/structures for balance in my life!). This whole 'no job' thing is really starting to bug me a bit.
So, I'm very glad that I'm not feeling as overwhelmed by the job hunt process. A large part of that alleviation is ME re-evaluating my expectations. When I was let go I thought to myself, 'YES! I can finally leave Hospitality!! This is the perfect opportunity!' And - I became overwhelmed by the prospect of finding a job outside the ONLY industry I have EVER worked in. As well as leaving the only company I have worked for in the past 10 years! That's a REALLY, REALLY huge expectation. And I stuck to it so solidly, that I would freeze every time I logged in to look for jobs. And again and again, I found myself searching for hotel jobs ...
So yes - its a great opportunity to have time to explore other options. I'm working through the book, 'What color is your parachute' which helps do a very comprehensive self-evaluation to discover a persons likes, interests, skill sets, and a number of other things (I haven't finished the book yet - lol) from ALL aspects of a persons life. It's helping my pinpoint the parts of jobs that I like, and my own expectations. With this information I hope to find a more fulfilling job. And I have come to realize that it's OK if I get a job in Hospitality. I do not have to stay there forever. I don't have to log another 10 years of my life with one company. I know I have not really liked any of my previous jobs. So maybe it was just the company I did not like. Maybe it was the type of job, or the expectations. Thus, it is with this new information I can hopefully find a job that I LIKE - or even better, one that is Fulfilling!!
And to further the job hunt, I had one meeting already and more set up with my old college professor, an informational interview with a GM in Manchester, a meeting with an adviser at the Career Center down the street, and I am attending a career center seminar (as dictated by Mass. Unemployment). I'm also looking online a few times a week. So the ball is rolling ... yay? LOL
I'm learning a lot of things about myself. Learning that I cause a lot of my own anxiety - from Absolute beliefs, that are not healthy. Old patterns that no longer serve. Patterns that are coming to light - now that I have the time to simply BE with myself - without a job or partner to bury myself in. Small Victories, turning into larger victories :)
I'm learning to Listen. To release my need for ultimate control, as I learn to relax. To think positively, and to be OK with where I am - In ALL aspects of life. I am keeping my eye on the next goal, and learning to bend, not break, as that goal changes. Learning its OK to change the goal. Really, it is. Sometimes what we want, and what we need are very different things. Both help us grow, and I remind myself: It's a journey - with many info posts, challenges, and sights along the way. And REST STOPS!!!
OH!! Another small victory, ok, really a BIG Victory. Master Seo told me when I belt test in a couple weeks - I will jump yellow belt! He's going to give me my Orange Belt. WOO!!
Victories - small and large - Celebrating them all with Gratitude ;)
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