Breaking Free

This past week has been a roller coaster of sorts.  I received 'the email' - updating me so kindly to the fact that he has a new lady in his life.  This was a sucker punch to the gut at first.  Humiliation made its rounds once I could breath again, and then, then came the Anger.  

And yet through it all, it wasn't about HIM.  It was about the next round of good byes to the dream that wasn't.  The dream I see my friends and co-workers partaking in even now.  4 engagements in the past month and a wedding next month.  So many people moving on, and he is too.  I can't speak to how healthy that is, but to each their own way of progressing. 

And I, I am doing OK.  For this entire time, we have stayed linked on Facebook.  Granted, a dear friend helped preserve my sanity early on by adjusting the settings so nothing would populate in my news feed, but we were still friends.  I have struggled with severing the last connections and couldn't understand why.  To the very core of my being I knew (know) I made the right choice.  The right choice for me.  I guess perhaps I had hoped for an understanding, for some way to maintain a connection.  But as each day passed, I could see that holding on was like constantly looking back.  Even when I wanted to move forward.  Letting go of a dream is hard, so very, very hard. 

It's so strange to think that just 10 years ago, this would not have been a problem.  We live so far apart that the probability of running into each other is slim to none.  We share only 1 or 2 friends, and at that we rarely hang out.  We don't text or call anymore.  10 years ago, this would have been completely over, a month ago.  Technology really does connect us in more ways than we realize.  And the habits we create around technology - refresh, update, refresh, update ... lurking.  It's insane!     

So tonight, I broke free.  A moment of slight heart ache and the pressure of tears as the name disappeared and the picture blinked out of the friend chat list.  And then - Thank God, Relief!  

A refresh of the page and the relief surged again.  

I am saying good bye to a set of Dreams, and it still hurts, and I know it will for awhile.  

But more Dreams will come, and will fit me and my life better.  And the inner knowledge of that is just as bone deep as my decision to leave.  

Just as I needed time to mourn (and still do a bit), I am better.  I am making peace with my decisions, and understanding where I was coming from, what I was doing, and what will be different next time.  It's these steps along that way that help me through the hard times.  To know I too, am Breaking Free to explore the next possibilities :)

Mornings are the Worst

In the past month +, I have had perhaps a handful, or less of mornings in which Anxiety did not jolt me awake.  In which the first few hours of being conscious did not seem like an endless tape of negative thoughts, "whyamihere, whatamigoingtodo, whydidibreakupwithhim, isheok, whycouldntihavespokenupsooner, howamigoingtopayrent, Ineedtogetupandgetgoing, todowhat, whyamihere, howamigoingtopayrent, whatdoiwanttodowithmylife, doiwanttostayinhospitality, ineedtofindajob, whatdoiwanttodo ... and REPEAT and add in more of the same ... or similar thoughts. 

I know why mornings are the worse.  It's the time when you are emotionally bare, when the heart and mind are least veiled and protected, and the heart can speak it's truths to a mind wide open.  It's these morning sessions that have brought me many truths in the past.  Even the ones I didn't want to hear.  The ones I ignored for a long, long time. 

Mornings are hard because it's when we would always text 'good morning' and a few other messages to get our days going.  Just as evenings, just before bed are difficult.  For the same reason, and because I have the anxiety of going to sleep, knowing that morning is coming, on the other side of sleep.  Sleep that is mostly interrupted and fleeting.  

Mornings are also hard, especially now, because I do not have a job to go to.  They were hard when I did have work, but I had a schedule for the day.  Get up, meditate, make breakfast, (no lunch because my appetite was limited, and I had just as limited ambition) shower, get dressed, go to work ... 

So I have decided and implemented scheduling for the day.  Some days are easier than others.  Some mornings I fight my schedule, wondering if I can cancel this or that and just stay in bed.  But I do my best to follow the daily plan.  

Get up, meditate/write/draw/oracle card of the day, walk - weather permitting, breakfast, and hopefully a daily activity such as an appointment, visiting, or outing.  Evenings are Tae Kwon Do or dinner out with friends, or an evening visit, movie, more journaling.  I have some ongoing projects that I work through and these help me feel productive.  My newest activity is job searching ... job discovery.  'What do I want to do with my career' ... this helps calm the 'howamigoingtopayrent' thought process.

Mornings are the worst, but I am tackling each of those heart fears, those Ego fears in every way I can.  Through optimism, reading, writing, drawing, daily activity, and sharing with friends.

It's not so much running away from the feeling, as hearing it, acknowledging it, and trying to work through it the best way I know how.  Alone and with help from others.


Some helpful thoughts:

'We are not meant to live this life alone'  

'Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions'

'Today is your day to let go of things that no longer serve you'

The Beginning is not always the Start

The morning dawned cold and clear - a brilliant sunny day, that was at war with how I was feeling inside.  Gazing sleepily at the walls, I knew the day would be long, and the anxiety had already started, building as it had for weeks in my chest, fogging my brain.  Today was the day I would go to gather my belongings from his house, and would say good bye.  Perhaps not forever, but for awhile at least.  To let us both heal, if possible, from the emotional hell we were both experiencing.  Yes, even as the one to initiate the break, I was (am) hurting.

I arrived at work, keyed up and trying to stay calm inside.  It would be a long day, anticipating what I needed to do that night.  I remember talking to my housekeeping manager about changing schedules a bit if needed to accommodate my anticipated Tae Kwon Do classes.  I had just that morning emailed the Master of the dojang, requesting information.  I remember having gone over astrology readings with my Front Desk Supervisor, bewildered by the hind sight accuracy.  I remember doing the annoying, time consuming KRONOS trainings, to ensure I was up-to-date with all 10+ of them ...

I remember answering the phone at the Front Desk, feeling my stomach fall, and my heart rate increase when my boss told me she was sending a relief person down so I could go talk to her in the office.

Yes, it was going to be a long day ... but for reasons I never would have guessed that morning.  Yes, it was going to be a day filled with anxiety and a full body numbing sensation ... because that was the day I also lost my job, January 23rd, 2013.

I was given a box, my final checks, a request (after asking) to not speak with anyone on my way out.  I was polite, I was accommodating, I was hyperventilating for real and in my mind.  And yet, was also filled with a strange peace.

I have told this story numerous times now.  I left my workplace of 3+ (almost 4) years, my company of over 8 years, the ONLY company of my adult career - with a feeling of hope.  A feeling, a belief, that this was a clean slate, a hope and knowing that I would find a new job quickly, and all would be well.  Following the river home, the sun shining - leading me along, the light twinkling off the water to my right, I was talking on my head set with family and friends,  and I was filled with hope.  A hope and a disbelief; I now know it was a state of shock.   Yet, still a hope that has carried me along these past few weeks, and yet flees me from time to time. 

In those times, dark thoughts and feelings of loss, and being lost and alone fill my mind, and encroach on my heart.  When that happens, I hear the words of strength, given to me by my cousin, who has endured more than her share of grief,

"We are not meant to live this life alone" - meaning reach out for help and support
"Let yourself Cry, feel those raw emotions, feel them and heal ..."
and most importantly for me, "why do you need to be strong.  We are strong for others, not ourselves ..."

With those thoughts, and the help, support, love, encouragement, and wisdom of friends and family I have been grieving the death of 2 very important parts of my life.  My relationship, and my career/job.

I have been given a gift, a new start.  A clean slate.  And I am working through it.  This blog is my Journey, in Progress.  For there is no true start, or beginning, or ending.  It's a journey, and I hope I can find clarity through my writing and perhaps offer hope and inspiration to others.  I foresee a few back to back entries, discussing a few of the insights I have had already.  And then I shall write when the inspiration takes me. 

It's a journey, and one I hope you will join me on for even a little while.