Breaking Free

This past week has been a roller coaster of sorts.  I received 'the email' - updating me so kindly to the fact that he has a new lady in his life.  This was a sucker punch to the gut at first.  Humiliation made its rounds once I could breath again, and then, then came the Anger.  

And yet through it all, it wasn't about HIM.  It was about the next round of good byes to the dream that wasn't.  The dream I see my friends and co-workers partaking in even now.  4 engagements in the past month and a wedding next month.  So many people moving on, and he is too.  I can't speak to how healthy that is, but to each their own way of progressing. 

And I, I am doing OK.  For this entire time, we have stayed linked on Facebook.  Granted, a dear friend helped preserve my sanity early on by adjusting the settings so nothing would populate in my news feed, but we were still friends.  I have struggled with severing the last connections and couldn't understand why.  To the very core of my being I knew (know) I made the right choice.  The right choice for me.  I guess perhaps I had hoped for an understanding, for some way to maintain a connection.  But as each day passed, I could see that holding on was like constantly looking back.  Even when I wanted to move forward.  Letting go of a dream is hard, so very, very hard. 

It's so strange to think that just 10 years ago, this would not have been a problem.  We live so far apart that the probability of running into each other is slim to none.  We share only 1 or 2 friends, and at that we rarely hang out.  We don't text or call anymore.  10 years ago, this would have been completely over, a month ago.  Technology really does connect us in more ways than we realize.  And the habits we create around technology - refresh, update, refresh, update ... lurking.  It's insane!     

So tonight, I broke free.  A moment of slight heart ache and the pressure of tears as the name disappeared and the picture blinked out of the friend chat list.  And then - Thank God, Relief!  

A refresh of the page and the relief surged again.  

I am saying good bye to a set of Dreams, and it still hurts, and I know it will for awhile.  

But more Dreams will come, and will fit me and my life better.  And the inner knowledge of that is just as bone deep as my decision to leave.  

Just as I needed time to mourn (and still do a bit), I am better.  I am making peace with my decisions, and understanding where I was coming from, what I was doing, and what will be different next time.  It's these steps along that way that help me through the hard times.  To know I too, am Breaking Free to explore the next possibilities :)