Limitations

Limitations.  I strongly dislike the word.  I have always disliked the word.  Perhaps its because I have always pushed through and felt I needed to 'prove' things to the world at large.  Obtaining great grades, being the best at whatever I did.  Pushing to prove 'I CAN DO IT'  whatever 'IT' happens to be. 

Yet there comes a time when Limitations must be acknowledged.  Even when I don't want to admit it, when I don't want to see them. 

Ever since my back surgery, and really even before that, I have known that I have physical limitations.  The jokes regarding shooting a bow and arrow, playing guitar, or adequately executing yoga's infamous 'downward dog' position.  I know I'm a bit short handed and some, SOME things are beyond my ability.  But when I started Karate in 2004 I found something I could be GOOD at.  Something that gave me a sense of pride and confidence in my physical ability.  In Illinois I started TKD and LOVED it.  I was also much better conditioned from 6months at Curves Gym, but still, I succeed and did well in class.  Then in Philly I started Ju Jitsu.  And although it was very challenging, I did well!  I was losing weight and became aware of and in control of my body in new and awesome ways. 

So, when I started TKD again a month ago - I figured I'd be fine.  Then I joined the gym and thought, hey!  No problem.  And I felt I needed to prove that I COULD do these things.  That I could just jump in full force and do it - because I HAD done it before.

But that was before my back surgery.  Before back flare-ups that freak me out, hoping I don't need to go under the knife again.  That was before the (recently diagnosed) degenerative Arthritis was so bad.  That was before I messed up said knee 3 times in the last 6 months. 

Limitations.  My body now has these ugly, horrible limitations that make me want to scream.  I want to be healthy, I want to exercise doing what I love.  But what I love seems to be hurting me.  I don't want to be the 'special one' in class, modifying every exercise.  Not doing squats or lunges because my knee can't take it.  I don't want to be the one doing just 20-50 roundhouse kicks instead of 100-200 because it will flare up my back.  I love the art, I love the practice - but right now, and perhaps forever, my body can't handle it anymore.

And thus I have limitations.  I wanted to do the color Run with my friends this summer - but I have been told, no high impact activities for my knee.  I understand why.  I don't relish the idea of a knee replacement by age 35 or 40.  And that's what could end up happening ...

Limitations that make me sit back and re-evaluate what is good in my life.  What I TRULY want to do, and what I CAN do, without the PAIN of 'proving' it. 

Hiking - easy, moderate trails
Walking
Swimming
Stationary bike

These are the things that I CAN do.  So if anyone out there is interested, I'm looking for new activities partners!  

And I come prepared with Ibuprofen and Ice Packs galore!