Progress

Before I go for the night:  A note on Progress

I AM healing.  In my own way.  I re-read my Blog and I can see the healing steps in each of my entries.  Moments captured that give an insight to the progress I build upon each day.  

I have a new resume!  I am taking classes at the Lowell Career Center.  I am utilizing their FREE resources to understand the job market and to learn about any new possibilities for my next job or career.  

My knee pain is virtually gone (for the moment!) and my back tingling is limited and under much better control.  I have figured out that my futon needs to go, so I have also been hunting for new SUPPORTIVE furniture.  I have Physical Therapy 2-3 times a week to ensure I will be OK in the future. 

I am starting to walk each day again, and I can feel myself getting stronger.  

I have been on a couple interviews and those give me confidence that I will re-join the workforce again, when the time and job are right.  These interviews have also helped clarify what I do and don't want in a job.

I have started planning the TKD December Awards Banquet with my friend Vicki.  It's great to be the meeting room customer for a change ;) 

I'm not completely decided on my continuation of TKD just yet.  There are many pros and cons to be weighed out.  For now - I am suspending my membership for a couple months to heal my knee, and strengthen it and my back.  

I have some goals each and every day, week, month. I am waking up early again, and getting out of the house.  I am seeing friends - my social calendar is busier than it has been in a long time!  I am actually maintaining active friendships.  

And I need to recognize my own progress.  It does not have to match any one else's.  It is mine, and I own it with Pride.  I HAVE done a lot.  Others may not see it, it may not be tangible - but in my world - my knowledge and understanding and work are HUGE.  I appreciate the steps I have been able to take.  The PROGRESS I have made. 

Thought for the Night:

"Beautiful Pictures are developed from negatives in a dark room ... 
So if you see darkness in your life, be assured that a beautiful picture is being prepared."

Limitations

Limitations.  I strongly dislike the word.  I have always disliked the word.  Perhaps its because I have always pushed through and felt I needed to 'prove' things to the world at large.  Obtaining great grades, being the best at whatever I did.  Pushing to prove 'I CAN DO IT'  whatever 'IT' happens to be. 

Yet there comes a time when Limitations must be acknowledged.  Even when I don't want to admit it, when I don't want to see them. 

Ever since my back surgery, and really even before that, I have known that I have physical limitations.  The jokes regarding shooting a bow and arrow, playing guitar, or adequately executing yoga's infamous 'downward dog' position.  I know I'm a bit short handed and some, SOME things are beyond my ability.  But when I started Karate in 2004 I found something I could be GOOD at.  Something that gave me a sense of pride and confidence in my physical ability.  In Illinois I started TKD and LOVED it.  I was also much better conditioned from 6months at Curves Gym, but still, I succeed and did well in class.  Then in Philly I started Ju Jitsu.  And although it was very challenging, I did well!  I was losing weight and became aware of and in control of my body in new and awesome ways. 

So, when I started TKD again a month ago - I figured I'd be fine.  Then I joined the gym and thought, hey!  No problem.  And I felt I needed to prove that I COULD do these things.  That I could just jump in full force and do it - because I HAD done it before.

But that was before my back surgery.  Before back flare-ups that freak me out, hoping I don't need to go under the knife again.  That was before the (recently diagnosed) degenerative Arthritis was so bad.  That was before I messed up said knee 3 times in the last 6 months. 

Limitations.  My body now has these ugly, horrible limitations that make me want to scream.  I want to be healthy, I want to exercise doing what I love.  But what I love seems to be hurting me.  I don't want to be the 'special one' in class, modifying every exercise.  Not doing squats or lunges because my knee can't take it.  I don't want to be the one doing just 20-50 roundhouse kicks instead of 100-200 because it will flare up my back.  I love the art, I love the practice - but right now, and perhaps forever, my body can't handle it anymore.

And thus I have limitations.  I wanted to do the color Run with my friends this summer - but I have been told, no high impact activities for my knee.  I understand why.  I don't relish the idea of a knee replacement by age 35 or 40.  And that's what could end up happening ...

Limitations that make me sit back and re-evaluate what is good in my life.  What I TRULY want to do, and what I CAN do, without the PAIN of 'proving' it. 

Hiking - easy, moderate trails
Walking
Swimming
Stationary bike

These are the things that I CAN do.  So if anyone out there is interested, I'm looking for new activities partners!  

And I come prepared with Ibuprofen and Ice Packs galore!