When Does it Stop?

When does the pain stop, and the acceptance and peace move in?  When will the tears stop coming to the surface when I'm not constantly being present IN the moment?  When?  When does the grief stop sneaking up on me?

TIME.  I have time.  Time to think.  Time to idle.  Time to rest.  ... TIME, that supposedly heals all wounds, heals the hurts.  Supposedly.  I know it's only true in so much that eventually, it won't be as fresh.  As raw.  I know, in my own way that I will heal.  That time will do 'it's thing.'  

But today, I wonder - when?  

Today (well, yesterday at this point), was his Birthday.  Another round of hopes, dreams, and expectations that are not to be.  Another mile marker on this journey called life, still progressing along.  Dropping people off here and there, new players coming on field, others stepping off, new adventures on the way.  But it HURTS.  Today, it HURTS.  Because I have all this TIME.  I thought I was past the tears.  I learned today I am not. 

I am crying for the past.  I am crying for the future.  I am crying for all the times I didn't cry about him, and others.  It's all linked.  One relationship to the next - there are common threads - And with this TIME, I am completing the steps for each one, and that brings tears.  I can see where I went 'wrong' - I can see the patterns, and I can see where and how I can do better in the future - so long as I am open to it.  And I can also see how I really did so much better this last time ...  

Today was a hard day.  A sad day.  Hopes, Dreams, and Expectations came rushing back.  And all I have is TIME to think it through.  So the tears fell, I wrote, I felt, I talked it out, I visited with a friend.  

And still I wonder ... When does it stop?