On Sorrow's Ground
At this seasonal time of festivities, we
also find a higher rise in depression. A time when days are incredibly
short, and the Sun that lead us joyfully, in the warmer months,
goes to rest earlier and earlier each day. Dusk and night come quickly,
and thus the fleeting warmth of sunshine has just a few precious hours to
work it's magic. I find myself more in tune with this change now, than ever before...
I'm also recognizing a continual stream of received insights
and messages throughout the day. From the first break of consciousness
in the morning, to the just-as-I-fall-asleep time, little
thoughts pop into my mind, that ring true.
'On sorrow's ground' - from Belladonna, by Anne Bishop
'It's time to change your story' - from some reading, or multiple readings in the past few years
'Go for a walk, get up now' - healthy living advise, when I experience my 'first' wake-up each morning at 6am
'You are still processing the last bit of that relationship, your uncomfortable dreams are a testament to that' - Dream interpretation discussions
'Get your car fixed, don't let it go too long' - message from my Grandfathers
'Change your Story' ...
Life is a series of steps, of chances, of embracing the chance to make a change in your present condition. To taking that leap of faith on the 'next thing' and run with it. Having the courage to go with it no matter what.
I still have that BIG feeling of doing something tremendous with my life. I still have days, like today, when I doubt my previous actions and wonder what I'm doing...
And then, as now, I hear the words, 'Change your Story' and feel a subtle shift as I know the truth of that statement. And as I feel relieved, having acknowledged that truth, other fears melt away and a strength of character starts pushing through, morphing the bedrock of myself just a little more.
Change your story ... When you don't like what you have been saying; when you don't like who you are, or who you are becoming, it's time to change your story.
Do you realize that you are the Author of your life? Who else knows you, better than you? Who else tells your story? I read in many career guides, how you tell your story is as important, if not more important than what's on your resume - which in fact, is a written summary of your story. To better sell yourself, you often have to look at the facts and find a positive, yet honest way to tell your tale.
And so having just cried a bit speaking many of these ideas to a trusted friend, and with these quickly shifting thoughts filling the screen before me, a long held weight is lifted and I find myself drifting off to sleep for just a few moments. The relief of expressing myself so pronounced that it's exhausting. awakening, I feel some loose ends pulled tight, and a new appreciation for the day ahead.
In parting I remember the sight of a late night, cloud scattered sky - moon and stars bright in night's dark cape, leafless trees swaying in the howling winds, as I watch from my warm, snug bedroom window. Stark natural beauty at its finest. I am reminded that I am just one person in Trillions on this planet; and that all change starts with a single idea, a single step towards something bigger than oneself.
Showing posts with label journey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label journey. Show all posts
Monday, November 25, 2013
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Listen to their story
Conversations. Interviewing. Networking. Personal Commercial/Sales Pitch. Stories.
Breathe. Ground Yourself. Enjoy the beauty around you. LISTEN.
Repeat.
This past month plus at home in Maine has been any version of the above. With joy in my heart I have found networking groups, gone out on 1-on-1's with folks, had amazingly insightful conversations, and have enjoyed the connection found when conversing with others. What incredible stories we each have filled with unique experiences and perspectives.
Boston Native with a passion for health. Manager turned Reiki master. Postman turned Financial advisor. Insurance agent by day, Fire fighter in heart. RN who believes Health care is really Sick Care and is pioneering her own change movement. Entrepreneurs aplenty. TV reporter visiting Maine 14 years ago, who never left. Chance meetings, scheduled meetings, stories all around.
I am repeatedly reminded of some recently read articles and even fictional stories that describe typical conversational habits. The parts where we stop listening and instead are eager to jump in with our next thought or immediately find a reference point and follow up with an "I or my" statement about the other person's experience, instead of simply commenting on the point or asking a question to further the other person's story. How it's very typical to have a desire to tell our story, to express ourselves in conversation.
It's a testament to my time off and cultivating self awareness that I have been able recognize myself slipping into this trap of "I & my" and not reciprocating the questions as well. Of thinking more of my response than really listening to the other person. At those times I would stop my mind, (try not to overly criticize myself), and re-devote my attention to the other person. And in those moments, I felt a softening, a gratitude, to be able to connect with another person. I admit, it's still a habit I'm trying to overcome, and I'm thankful for the self-awareness.
It's natural for us as humans to find similarities with others, just as much as we also immediately recognize differences, the mine vs. yours. It's such a joy when a shared point of reference can be expressed. Another thing that joins you to me. I'm finding more and more that when I can relax and listen, that softening becomes more natural and I am able to enjoy the story being told. Our communities are made of such diverse individuals with extraordinary skills, perspectives, journeys, and advice.
It's with a prayer of thanks, and a grateful heart that I reflect on all the serendipitous meetings I have encountered in just 4 weeks home and the opportunities to experience the generosity of others; their time, wisdom, and sneak peeks into the passionate works they provide for others.
These encounters help shape the world I am creating for myself and others, and I look forward to paying it forward every day possible!
Breathe. Ground Yourself. Enjoy the beauty around you. LISTEN.
Repeat.
This past month plus at home in Maine has been any version of the above. With joy in my heart I have found networking groups, gone out on 1-on-1's with folks, had amazingly insightful conversations, and have enjoyed the connection found when conversing with others. What incredible stories we each have filled with unique experiences and perspectives.
Boston Native with a passion for health. Manager turned Reiki master. Postman turned Financial advisor. Insurance agent by day, Fire fighter in heart. RN who believes Health care is really Sick Care and is pioneering her own change movement. Entrepreneurs aplenty. TV reporter visiting Maine 14 years ago, who never left. Chance meetings, scheduled meetings, stories all around.
I am repeatedly reminded of some recently read articles and even fictional stories that describe typical conversational habits. The parts where we stop listening and instead are eager to jump in with our next thought or immediately find a reference point and follow up with an "I or my" statement about the other person's experience, instead of simply commenting on the point or asking a question to further the other person's story. How it's very typical to have a desire to tell our story, to express ourselves in conversation.
It's a testament to my time off and cultivating self awareness that I have been able recognize myself slipping into this trap of "I & my" and not reciprocating the questions as well. Of thinking more of my response than really listening to the other person. At those times I would stop my mind, (try not to overly criticize myself), and re-devote my attention to the other person. And in those moments, I felt a softening, a gratitude, to be able to connect with another person. I admit, it's still a habit I'm trying to overcome, and I'm thankful for the self-awareness.
It's natural for us as humans to find similarities with others, just as much as we also immediately recognize differences, the mine vs. yours. It's such a joy when a shared point of reference can be expressed. Another thing that joins you to me. I'm finding more and more that when I can relax and listen, that softening becomes more natural and I am able to enjoy the story being told. Our communities are made of such diverse individuals with extraordinary skills, perspectives, journeys, and advice.
It's with a prayer of thanks, and a grateful heart that I reflect on all the serendipitous meetings I have encountered in just 4 weeks home and the opportunities to experience the generosity of others; their time, wisdom, and sneak peeks into the passionate works they provide for others.
These encounters help shape the world I am creating for myself and others, and I look forward to paying it forward every day possible!
Sunday, August 4, 2013
I Confess
I confess, I have been lurking, reading other blogs, experiencing moments of inspiration. I have started typing about 4 entries over the past month or so, and started many more in my mind - yet each time, it just wasn't what I wanted to say. It starts well, then trails off into drivel.
Some of you know the journey, the experiences I have had in the past 6 months, some of you even know my life journey - those friends and family close to me. Some of you are new to Me, and could only begin to understand. To all of you, I feel I'm coming to a point where I want to share more of what has been incubating these past couple months.
It's no grandiose revelation of world domination, or jet setting to another country (although, travel is on my heart again...) No, its a more inclusive, quiet revealing that has been happening. I have many people to thank for their interest in my life, for their quiet and solid support. From friends and family who know me and know I need time to process and realize the things I'm thinking/saying and who know that eventually it will click and I'll act. For the friends & family who counseled me in worldly, self-experienced ways (Manda, I love you!, Mary L., Auntie Parker, Donna, Mum, Kat, Dad, Richard, Michelle, Lindsey, Emmi, Cherie) and those who shared the love and Word of God (Krystal, Cabrini, Mike, Tracy, Tarsha, Vinnie, Melanie, Shara, Mary, Dee, Arielle) - You were all there for me at some many points! And so many more people than I can possibly mention by name - so please know I mean "YOU!" And you continue to be there in all the big and small ways every day, in every way.
I started this Blog as a means to document my Journey through the loss of a Job and Boy Friend. I had grand ideas about this venture and started well, then it trailed off. I started doubting the relevance of my words, I had wanted it to be inspiration to others. How can something be inspirational when I felt like SHIT. When I had days (still have them) that I just didn't see the point of getting out of bed? That my life seemed to lack meaning or importance? How could I inspire others when I couldn't even inspire myself?
My first entry mentions that as I was driving away from the ICC on that faithful day, I KNEW I would find a job, it was just an internal truth then, and one that I believe even today. But along the way - I lost that truth, that conviction. I didn't realize then just how much I needed to decompress my life. I did not know then, how much my heart needed to release and heal. How much my mind and body needed time to process all that had happened, to release all the accumulated stress. How many false Truths I needed to recognize and see and understand. As I said earlier - It takes me a frustratingly long time (for me and others) to see, recognize, understand, and act on things - I'm a Taurus and highly emotional - I'm learning to accept this about myself ;)
Another aspect to all of this has been the HEART TRUTH that I have something other than (maybe with?) hospitality to do in life. It's this tugging, yearning, bursting purpose teasing at my heart and mind on a regular basis. I felt it in Grade School, in High School, in College... I felt it when I was sick with Mono in IL, when I wanted to FLEE from the job in Philly - some days wishing for an illness to take me out of work for weeks at a time so I could just NOT go to work. And then - I lost it for a few years between Philly and Lowell. It got buried beneath stress and tedium, and a sense of 'this is all my life is ... ' I lost sight of anything, everything but the day to day and the 'what to do this weekend'
Then the days following my lay off, it started to pop up again. I suddenly had this insight, "I can DO ANYTHING with my Life! I'm FREE!!!" I was reminded of the book I read in Philly called 'The Dream Giver' and another book by Lucado, 'Facing Your Giants' and the only book I have bought multiple copies of to give away, 'Sister Freaks' All revolving around facing those hard decisions in life to follow your dreams; trusting God (Creator, Divine, Allah, etc) with Faith that all will be OK and your dreams will come true - sometimes, usually, not even the way you thought they would.
But, what IS it? What IS this purpose? This Drive, this great ball of light that I'm supposed to accomplish? I went a bit OCD about it, from delving, to denial, to running from it. I decided to take the summer 'OFF' to allow myself time to explore things I thought I wanted to do in life. To relax - I even got a TAN!!! In looking back, it's what I needed. I hadn't taken a true vacation in ... ever since starting work at age 16. Trips home are not a vacation when bookended by flights in and out of state and mad dash visiting to everyone I wanted to see. Nor are quick weekends that also include driving 6+hrs in state to see everyone.
During this time (and still now) I avidly avoided anyone asking me, 'Do you have a job yet? Any new leads? What do you want to do? What are you doing for a search?' Honestly, I appreciate your concern & your interest, but when I have something to tell you (like now) I will. It made me (makes me) feel very unproductive and lazy to say, 'I'm taking a break...because I need it!' Although, it did get easier, and still is getting easier to own my action; as ultimately I am responsible for my own success.
And so, I worked on the book, "What Color is Your Parachute?" (I highly recommend it to EVERYONE!), I meditated, I journaled, I shadowed other jobs in Teaching & Banking. I interviewed people, and I prayed. I found myself drawn to God/Divine/Creator. I knew this tugging in my heart meant that I had a purpose in Life - but WHAT is it???? I became obsessed with making the 'RIGHT' choice for my next job - yet I still didn't (don't) know what that is. I feared making the wrong choice. It became a very all or nothing/ Right/Wrong attempt at job hunting - with a belief that if I made the 'wrong' choice, my life purpose would be null and void.
Please Note: DO NOT DO THIS TO YOURSELF!!! Please learn from me here, Do NOT believe that anything in your life has to be ALL or Nothing. It is truly about the journey and eventually every thing you pick up along the way will lend itself to your future. - Thank you Mary L. for the vision of the Quilt ;)
It has taken me a few months to release that fear. To understand (for the uptenth time in my life) that not making a choice is also a choice (Jodi, Vinnie, Manda - LOL yes, I hear you all in my mind). It took a lot of prayer and affirmations, and journaling and talking, to understand, and to release the paralyzing fear of going back to work. It's still a work in progress. I still have mornings, nights, afternoons where I sit and get trapped by racing thoughts and the daunting task of finding a job that I can be happy with, and feel fulfilled in.
I have found myself turning more and more to God/Creator/Divine in prayer and gratitude, meditations, & positive affirmations. I find myself trusting and being thankful for the things I have in my life. Daily I find myself reminded that I am provided for, and loved. It's been an incredible journey of letting go of fear again and again. To sit back and release the expectations of life and of myself to do the 'right' thing. And it's been heart wrenching at times to see some of the 'Truths/beliefs' I held onto so tightly ...
I have come to realize in a very heart wrenching way, that I have always identified myself by my Career. I have made what I do, who I am. That was and is a hard image and mind set to shake. It is one I know I will always gravitate to, but this time away has helped me realize that I am so much more than my job. I have Value outside my paid career. I have FAITH that I am more than my career. And that at the end of the day, and at the end of my life, I have faith that I will have made a positive contribution to the people in my life and to the Earth. That throughout my life, I will be able to affect long-lasting positive change. Some how, some way.
So where does all this bring me to today? A notebook full of personal revelations from the summer; pages outlining some very interesting and not so shocking aspirations; a fantastic Tan, and for the moment some peace and self acceptance! For a VERY long time, I had longed for time to just BE. To explore some interests in my life and time to spend with my family & friends. It was HARD to accept that I was blessed with that opportunity. I feel incredibly guilty even now saying this, because I know everyone of you yearns for similar things. Who am I to get what I asked for? Why me? I still don't know to this day - but I am learning to stop asking, and live with a heart of Gratitude. Because it was not always easy to sit and listen to my heart. It was not easy to sit with uncertainty, and its been hard to be grateful for something that goes against every social norm in our country. But I AM grateful, and through that gratitude, I have Faith that I will find and accept a job, when the time is right.
And for those of you sitting there saying, "Oh yeah so hard to just sleep in, and watch movies, and go to the beach... and Time spent finding yourself " - To you (and that critical judge in my mind) I say, you're right. There was a lot of fun to be had, time for decompressing and for awhile I admit, I really didn't want to go back to work - I dreaded it with paralyzing fear. There was incredible guilt throughout this time too, because I felt I should be working, and job hunting every minute - to be a Productive member of Society.
Then, I said 'To Hell with it!' and I did finally let myself enjoy those beach days, days to sleep in, to have fun, and see my family and know that I had time. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy any of it - because it's been GREAT!
And as for the job Hunt - The clock has (mostly) stopped ticking in my mind. I awake now with the thought, "I need to go to work" - and it is not coming from a place of fear or anxiety (loss of money) - but from a place of heart truth, of being ready to re-enter the work world. And yes, also from a place of boredom - and that driving urge of SELF PURPOSE.
So to the friends and family that told me to enjoy it, and cherish it - That's what I did. And what I still continue to do, as I ramp up again for round 2? 3? 4? of the job hunt. Cherish what I have today - because soon enough I will be back to work ;)
Up Next: Some of those notes I have compiled on 'What I want to be/do when I Grow Up!'
Some of you know the journey, the experiences I have had in the past 6 months, some of you even know my life journey - those friends and family close to me. Some of you are new to Me, and could only begin to understand. To all of you, I feel I'm coming to a point where I want to share more of what has been incubating these past couple months.
It's no grandiose revelation of world domination, or jet setting to another country (although, travel is on my heart again...) No, its a more inclusive, quiet revealing that has been happening. I have many people to thank for their interest in my life, for their quiet and solid support. From friends and family who know me and know I need time to process and realize the things I'm thinking/saying and who know that eventually it will click and I'll act. For the friends & family who counseled me in worldly, self-experienced ways (Manda, I love you!, Mary L., Auntie Parker, Donna, Mum, Kat, Dad, Richard, Michelle, Lindsey, Emmi, Cherie) and those who shared the love and Word of God (Krystal, Cabrini, Mike, Tracy, Tarsha, Vinnie, Melanie, Shara, Mary, Dee, Arielle) - You were all there for me at some many points! And so many more people than I can possibly mention by name - so please know I mean "YOU!" And you continue to be there in all the big and small ways every day, in every way.
I started this Blog as a means to document my Journey through the loss of a Job and Boy Friend. I had grand ideas about this venture and started well, then it trailed off. I started doubting the relevance of my words, I had wanted it to be inspiration to others. How can something be inspirational when I felt like SHIT. When I had days (still have them) that I just didn't see the point of getting out of bed? That my life seemed to lack meaning or importance? How could I inspire others when I couldn't even inspire myself?
My first entry mentions that as I was driving away from the ICC on that faithful day, I KNEW I would find a job, it was just an internal truth then, and one that I believe even today. But along the way - I lost that truth, that conviction. I didn't realize then just how much I needed to decompress my life. I did not know then, how much my heart needed to release and heal. How much my mind and body needed time to process all that had happened, to release all the accumulated stress. How many false Truths I needed to recognize and see and understand. As I said earlier - It takes me a frustratingly long time (for me and others) to see, recognize, understand, and act on things - I'm a Taurus and highly emotional - I'm learning to accept this about myself ;)
Another aspect to all of this has been the HEART TRUTH that I have something other than (maybe with?) hospitality to do in life. It's this tugging, yearning, bursting purpose teasing at my heart and mind on a regular basis. I felt it in Grade School, in High School, in College... I felt it when I was sick with Mono in IL, when I wanted to FLEE from the job in Philly - some days wishing for an illness to take me out of work for weeks at a time so I could just NOT go to work. And then - I lost it for a few years between Philly and Lowell. It got buried beneath stress and tedium, and a sense of 'this is all my life is ... ' I lost sight of anything, everything but the day to day and the 'what to do this weekend'
Then the days following my lay off, it started to pop up again. I suddenly had this insight, "I can DO ANYTHING with my Life! I'm FREE!!!" I was reminded of the book I read in Philly called 'The Dream Giver' and another book by Lucado, 'Facing Your Giants' and the only book I have bought multiple copies of to give away, 'Sister Freaks' All revolving around facing those hard decisions in life to follow your dreams; trusting God (Creator, Divine, Allah, etc) with Faith that all will be OK and your dreams will come true - sometimes, usually, not even the way you thought they would.
But, what IS it? What IS this purpose? This Drive, this great ball of light that I'm supposed to accomplish? I went a bit OCD about it, from delving, to denial, to running from it. I decided to take the summer 'OFF' to allow myself time to explore things I thought I wanted to do in life. To relax - I even got a TAN!!! In looking back, it's what I needed. I hadn't taken a true vacation in ... ever since starting work at age 16. Trips home are not a vacation when bookended by flights in and out of state and mad dash visiting to everyone I wanted to see. Nor are quick weekends that also include driving 6+hrs in state to see everyone.
During this time (and still now) I avidly avoided anyone asking me, 'Do you have a job yet? Any new leads? What do you want to do? What are you doing for a search?' Honestly, I appreciate your concern & your interest, but when I have something to tell you (like now) I will. It made me (makes me) feel very unproductive and lazy to say, 'I'm taking a break...because I need it!' Although, it did get easier, and still is getting easier to own my action; as ultimately I am responsible for my own success.
And so, I worked on the book, "What Color is Your Parachute?" (I highly recommend it to EVERYONE!), I meditated, I journaled, I shadowed other jobs in Teaching & Banking. I interviewed people, and I prayed. I found myself drawn to God/Divine/Creator. I knew this tugging in my heart meant that I had a purpose in Life - but WHAT is it???? I became obsessed with making the 'RIGHT' choice for my next job - yet I still didn't (don't) know what that is. I feared making the wrong choice. It became a very all or nothing/ Right/Wrong attempt at job hunting - with a belief that if I made the 'wrong' choice, my life purpose would be null and void.
Please Note: DO NOT DO THIS TO YOURSELF!!! Please learn from me here, Do NOT believe that anything in your life has to be ALL or Nothing. It is truly about the journey and eventually every thing you pick up along the way will lend itself to your future. - Thank you Mary L. for the vision of the Quilt ;)
It has taken me a few months to release that fear. To understand (for the uptenth time in my life) that not making a choice is also a choice (Jodi, Vinnie, Manda - LOL yes, I hear you all in my mind). It took a lot of prayer and affirmations, and journaling and talking, to understand, and to release the paralyzing fear of going back to work. It's still a work in progress. I still have mornings, nights, afternoons where I sit and get trapped by racing thoughts and the daunting task of finding a job that I can be happy with, and feel fulfilled in.
I have found myself turning more and more to God/Creator/Divine in prayer and gratitude, meditations, & positive affirmations. I find myself trusting and being thankful for the things I have in my life. Daily I find myself reminded that I am provided for, and loved. It's been an incredible journey of letting go of fear again and again. To sit back and release the expectations of life and of myself to do the 'right' thing. And it's been heart wrenching at times to see some of the 'Truths/beliefs' I held onto so tightly ...
I have come to realize in a very heart wrenching way, that I have always identified myself by my Career. I have made what I do, who I am. That was and is a hard image and mind set to shake. It is one I know I will always gravitate to, but this time away has helped me realize that I am so much more than my job. I have Value outside my paid career. I have FAITH that I am more than my career. And that at the end of the day, and at the end of my life, I have faith that I will have made a positive contribution to the people in my life and to the Earth. That throughout my life, I will be able to affect long-lasting positive change. Some how, some way.
So where does all this bring me to today? A notebook full of personal revelations from the summer; pages outlining some very interesting and not so shocking aspirations; a fantastic Tan, and for the moment some peace and self acceptance! For a VERY long time, I had longed for time to just BE. To explore some interests in my life and time to spend with my family & friends. It was HARD to accept that I was blessed with that opportunity. I feel incredibly guilty even now saying this, because I know everyone of you yearns for similar things. Who am I to get what I asked for? Why me? I still don't know to this day - but I am learning to stop asking, and live with a heart of Gratitude. Because it was not always easy to sit and listen to my heart. It was not easy to sit with uncertainty, and its been hard to be grateful for something that goes against every social norm in our country. But I AM grateful, and through that gratitude, I have Faith that I will find and accept a job, when the time is right.
And for those of you sitting there saying, "Oh yeah so hard to just sleep in, and watch movies, and go to the beach... and Time spent finding yourself " - To you (and that critical judge in my mind) I say, you're right. There was a lot of fun to be had, time for decompressing and for awhile I admit, I really didn't want to go back to work - I dreaded it with paralyzing fear. There was incredible guilt throughout this time too, because I felt I should be working, and job hunting every minute - to be a Productive member of Society.
Then, I said 'To Hell with it!' and I did finally let myself enjoy those beach days, days to sleep in, to have fun, and see my family and know that I had time. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy any of it - because it's been GREAT!
And as for the job Hunt - The clock has (mostly) stopped ticking in my mind. I awake now with the thought, "I need to go to work" - and it is not coming from a place of fear or anxiety (loss of money) - but from a place of heart truth, of being ready to re-enter the work world. And yes, also from a place of boredom - and that driving urge of SELF PURPOSE.
So to the friends and family that told me to enjoy it, and cherish it - That's what I did. And what I still continue to do, as I ramp up again for round 2? 3? 4? of the job hunt. Cherish what I have today - because soon enough I will be back to work ;)
Up Next: Some of those notes I have compiled on 'What I want to be/do when I Grow Up!'
Friday, April 26, 2013
The Job Search & Choices
It's Spring! A time of re-birth! And my own personal New Year, being the April Taurus baby that I am.
It's also been approximately 1.5 years since my last bad chest cold - and I'm sitting here in my living room, with the smell of eucalyptus permeating the air, a varied assortment of pills and herbs lined up along my bedside, and Juice, water, and tea at the ready. Oh, yes, and my inhaler. 2 days before my birthday; 1 day before one of my oldest friend's wedding day, and I'm home, lightheaded and fighting a chest cold before it goes full blown. Prednisone is awesome, but I really prefer the non-bloated look, so I'm trying to avoid it.
And with all of this, I have the dance of 2 job possibilities circling through my mind, keeping me awake at night. Yes, that's right - the job fairy has arrived, and I have 2 possibilities to consider. Neither of which is the job I have been advertising for myself. I thought, oh yes, I thought I wanted to be an Assistant General Manager of a limited service hotel.
Even though my research and personal homework has shown that I would be best suited as a counselor, teacher, social worker, life coach, etc. A position in which I work independently, helping others see the best in themselves and helping them through life's troubles. But, career changing is not highly advised right now. With so many individuals are out of work, competing for jobs in their own fields - if you try changing, you are up against many with experience and developed skill sets. So I decided to begrudgingly stay in the hospitality field. And figured the next logical step would be AGM, or even GM...
Yet, I also applied for some sales jobs - even had interviews. And found they wanted to pay me the same rate I received just out of college - 9 long, blood, sweat, and tear-filled years ago. I thought the sales world would be exciting, and fun, and would offer a great change of pace. Then after some thought, and speaking with a GM in the field (outside of ARAMARK), I found I was even more compelled to stay in my field of choice. I actually got excited about it. I put the thought of sales out of my mind, and focused on finding Operational positions as an AGM & GM.
Weeks went by. I attended many classes at the Career Center. I crafted new versions of my resume. I even did more market research trying to find that 'perfect fit' in a company whom I could approach. Following advice from my classes - I created my very own business cards and the day after receiving them, I attended a networking event on my own! Low and behold - I received a call the next day ... for a SALES job! UGH! Why? Why oh WHY Sales again?
I took the call. I spoke to the Director of Sales. I wasn't overly enthused about the prospect, but I didn't want to turn down an opportunity. It's now going on 3 full months without a job! And this was a lead! Thankfully my honesty and genuine nature won out, and I was granted a face to face interview the next day. I'm so glad it worked out!! The building is fashioned after a castle. The team is amazing, and my interview was blessed. I met with the GM just a few days ago. And during that meeting was presented with the option of Accounting/HR.
Meanwhile - other opportunities have presented them selves as well! GM with Sodexo, and AGM with Springhill Suites. And from the Hospitality conference, an offer to forward my resume to some other folks!
Options. Choices. A chance to change my future path. During the phone interview for AGM, I felt my soul die just a bit. Wither up, and retreat. I do not want to work 60-80hrs a week anymore. I do not want to be the sole person responsible for the initial success or failure of a property. So AGM / GM ... maybe not so much.
But sales - could be interesting. And the Accounting/HR position - calls to some of my strengths and interests in a way I never knew existed. To be offered a position that could help me balance my life, and still allow me to assist others, and offer support to the property. YAY! And to have 2! different leaders acknowledge my potential, without any solid experience to back me. Most fortunate indeed.
So Choices. Options. Potential offers. My 3rd interview just the day after my birthday!
Let's hope this cold clears up by then! Here's to good fortune! And the beginning of my new year - spring! When new life, and possibilities are birthed ;)
Choices, Chances, Changes:
You must make a choice to take a chance, or your life will never change!
It's also been approximately 1.5 years since my last bad chest cold - and I'm sitting here in my living room, with the smell of eucalyptus permeating the air, a varied assortment of pills and herbs lined up along my bedside, and Juice, water, and tea at the ready. Oh, yes, and my inhaler. 2 days before my birthday; 1 day before one of my oldest friend's wedding day, and I'm home, lightheaded and fighting a chest cold before it goes full blown. Prednisone is awesome, but I really prefer the non-bloated look, so I'm trying to avoid it.
And with all of this, I have the dance of 2 job possibilities circling through my mind, keeping me awake at night. Yes, that's right - the job fairy has arrived, and I have 2 possibilities to consider. Neither of which is the job I have been advertising for myself. I thought, oh yes, I thought I wanted to be an Assistant General Manager of a limited service hotel.
Even though my research and personal homework has shown that I would be best suited as a counselor, teacher, social worker, life coach, etc. A position in which I work independently, helping others see the best in themselves and helping them through life's troubles. But, career changing is not highly advised right now. With so many individuals are out of work, competing for jobs in their own fields - if you try changing, you are up against many with experience and developed skill sets. So I decided to begrudgingly stay in the hospitality field. And figured the next logical step would be AGM, or even GM...
Yet, I also applied for some sales jobs - even had interviews. And found they wanted to pay me the same rate I received just out of college - 9 long, blood, sweat, and tear-filled years ago. I thought the sales world would be exciting, and fun, and would offer a great change of pace. Then after some thought, and speaking with a GM in the field (outside of ARAMARK), I found I was even more compelled to stay in my field of choice. I actually got excited about it. I put the thought of sales out of my mind, and focused on finding Operational positions as an AGM & GM.
Weeks went by. I attended many classes at the Career Center. I crafted new versions of my resume. I even did more market research trying to find that 'perfect fit' in a company whom I could approach. Following advice from my classes - I created my very own business cards and the day after receiving them, I attended a networking event on my own! Low and behold - I received a call the next day ... for a SALES job! UGH! Why? Why oh WHY Sales again?
I took the call. I spoke to the Director of Sales. I wasn't overly enthused about the prospect, but I didn't want to turn down an opportunity. It's now going on 3 full months without a job! And this was a lead! Thankfully my honesty and genuine nature won out, and I was granted a face to face interview the next day. I'm so glad it worked out!! The building is fashioned after a castle. The team is amazing, and my interview was blessed. I met with the GM just a few days ago. And during that meeting was presented with the option of Accounting/HR.
Meanwhile - other opportunities have presented them selves as well! GM with Sodexo, and AGM with Springhill Suites. And from the Hospitality conference, an offer to forward my resume to some other folks!
Options. Choices. A chance to change my future path. During the phone interview for AGM, I felt my soul die just a bit. Wither up, and retreat. I do not want to work 60-80hrs a week anymore. I do not want to be the sole person responsible for the initial success or failure of a property. So AGM / GM ... maybe not so much.
But sales - could be interesting. And the Accounting/HR position - calls to some of my strengths and interests in a way I never knew existed. To be offered a position that could help me balance my life, and still allow me to assist others, and offer support to the property. YAY! And to have 2! different leaders acknowledge my potential, without any solid experience to back me. Most fortunate indeed.
So Choices. Options. Potential offers. My 3rd interview just the day after my birthday!
Let's hope this cold clears up by then! Here's to good fortune! And the beginning of my new year - spring! When new life, and possibilities are birthed ;)
Choices, Chances, Changes:
You must make a choice to take a chance, or your life will never change!
Monday, March 25, 2013
Breaking Free
This past week has been a roller coaster of sorts. I received 'the email' - updating me so kindly to the fact that he has a new lady in his life. This was a sucker punch to the gut at first. Humiliation made its rounds once I could breath again, and then, then came the Anger.
And yet through it all, it wasn't about HIM. It was about the next round of good byes to the dream that wasn't. The dream I see my friends and co-workers partaking in even now. 4 engagements in the past month and a wedding next month. So many people moving on, and he is too. I can't speak to how healthy that is, but to each their own way of progressing.
And I, I am doing OK. For this entire time, we have stayed linked on Facebook. Granted, a dear friend helped preserve my sanity early on by adjusting the settings so nothing would populate in my news feed, but we were still friends. I have struggled with severing the last connections and couldn't understand why. To the very core of my being I knew (know) I made the right choice. The right choice for me. I guess perhaps I had hoped for an understanding, for some way to maintain a connection. But as each day passed, I could see that holding on was like constantly looking back. Even when I wanted to move forward. Letting go of a dream is hard, so very, very hard.
It's so strange to think that just 10 years ago, this would not have been a problem. We live so far apart that the probability of running into each other is slim to none. We share only 1 or 2 friends, and at that we rarely hang out. We don't text or call anymore. 10 years ago, this would have been completely over, a month ago. Technology really does connect us in more ways than we realize. And the habits we create around technology - refresh, update, refresh, update ... lurking. It's insane!
So tonight, I broke free. A moment of slight heart ache and the pressure of tears as the name disappeared and the picture blinked out of the friend chat list. And then - Thank God, Relief!
A refresh of the page and the relief surged again.
I am saying good bye to a set of Dreams, and it still hurts, and I know it will for awhile.
But more Dreams will come, and will fit me and my life better. And the inner knowledge of that is just as bone deep as my decision to leave.
Just as I needed time to mourn (and still do a bit), I am better. I am making peace with my decisions, and understanding where I was coming from, what I was doing, and what will be different next time. It's these steps along that way that help me through the hard times. To know I too, am Breaking Free to explore the next possibilities :)
And yet through it all, it wasn't about HIM. It was about the next round of good byes to the dream that wasn't. The dream I see my friends and co-workers partaking in even now. 4 engagements in the past month and a wedding next month. So many people moving on, and he is too. I can't speak to how healthy that is, but to each their own way of progressing.
And I, I am doing OK. For this entire time, we have stayed linked on Facebook. Granted, a dear friend helped preserve my sanity early on by adjusting the settings so nothing would populate in my news feed, but we were still friends. I have struggled with severing the last connections and couldn't understand why. To the very core of my being I knew (know) I made the right choice. The right choice for me. I guess perhaps I had hoped for an understanding, for some way to maintain a connection. But as each day passed, I could see that holding on was like constantly looking back. Even when I wanted to move forward. Letting go of a dream is hard, so very, very hard.
It's so strange to think that just 10 years ago, this would not have been a problem. We live so far apart that the probability of running into each other is slim to none. We share only 1 or 2 friends, and at that we rarely hang out. We don't text or call anymore. 10 years ago, this would have been completely over, a month ago. Technology really does connect us in more ways than we realize. And the habits we create around technology - refresh, update, refresh, update ... lurking. It's insane!
So tonight, I broke free. A moment of slight heart ache and the pressure of tears as the name disappeared and the picture blinked out of the friend chat list. And then - Thank God, Relief!
A refresh of the page and the relief surged again.
I am saying good bye to a set of Dreams, and it still hurts, and I know it will for awhile.
But more Dreams will come, and will fit me and my life better. And the inner knowledge of that is just as bone deep as my decision to leave.
Just as I needed time to mourn (and still do a bit), I am better. I am making peace with my decisions, and understanding where I was coming from, what I was doing, and what will be different next time. It's these steps along that way that help me through the hard times. To know I too, am Breaking Free to explore the next possibilities :)
Monday, February 11, 2013
The Beginning is not always the Start
The morning dawned cold and clear - a brilliant sunny day, that was at war with how I was feeling inside. Gazing sleepily at the walls, I knew the day would be long, and the anxiety had already started, building as it had for weeks in my chest, fogging my brain. Today was the day I would go to gather my belongings from his house, and would say good bye. Perhaps not forever, but for awhile at least. To let us both heal, if possible, from the emotional hell we were both experiencing. Yes, even as the one to initiate the break, I was (am) hurting.
I arrived at work, keyed up and trying to stay calm inside. It would be a long day, anticipating what I needed to do that night. I remember talking to my housekeeping manager about changing schedules a bit if needed to accommodate my anticipated Tae Kwon Do classes. I had just that morning emailed the Master of the dojang, requesting information. I remember having gone over astrology readings with my Front Desk Supervisor, bewildered by the hind sight accuracy. I remember doing the annoying, time consuming KRONOS trainings, to ensure I was up-to-date with all 10+ of them ...
I remember answering the phone at the Front Desk, feeling my stomach fall, and my heart rate increase when my boss told me she was sending a relief person down so I could go talk to her in the office.
Yes, it was going to be a long day ... but for reasons I never would have guessed that morning. Yes, it was going to be a day filled with anxiety and a full body numbing sensation ... because that was the day I also lost my job, January 23rd, 2013.
I was given a box, my final checks, a request (after asking) to not speak with anyone on my way out. I was polite, I was accommodating, I was hyperventilating for real and in my mind. And yet, was also filled with a strange peace.
I have told this story numerous times now. I left my workplace of 3+ (almost 4) years, my company of over 8 years, the ONLY company of my adult career - with a feeling of hope. A feeling, a belief, that this was a clean slate, a hope and knowing that I would find a new job quickly, and all would be well. Following the river home, the sun shining - leading me along, the light twinkling off the water to my right, I was talking on my head set with family and friends, and I was filled with hope. A hope and a disbelief; I now know it was a state of shock. Yet, still a hope that has carried me along these past few weeks, and yet flees me from time to time.
In those times, dark thoughts and feelings of loss, and being lost and alone fill my mind, and encroach on my heart. When that happens, I hear the words of strength, given to me by my cousin, who has endured more than her share of grief,
"We are not meant to live this life alone" - meaning reach out for help and support
"Let yourself Cry, feel those raw emotions, feel them and heal ..."
and most importantly for me, "why do you need to be strong. We are strong for others, not ourselves ..."
With those thoughts, and the help, support, love, encouragement, and wisdom of friends and family I have been grieving the death of 2 very important parts of my life. My relationship, and my career/job.
I have been given a gift, a new start. A clean slate. And I am working through it. This blog is my Journey, in Progress. For there is no true start, or beginning, or ending. It's a journey, and I hope I can find clarity through my writing and perhaps offer hope and inspiration to others. I foresee a few back to back entries, discussing a few of the insights I have had already. And then I shall write when the inspiration takes me.
It's a journey, and one I hope you will join me on for even a little while.
I arrived at work, keyed up and trying to stay calm inside. It would be a long day, anticipating what I needed to do that night. I remember talking to my housekeeping manager about changing schedules a bit if needed to accommodate my anticipated Tae Kwon Do classes. I had just that morning emailed the Master of the dojang, requesting information. I remember having gone over astrology readings with my Front Desk Supervisor, bewildered by the hind sight accuracy. I remember doing the annoying, time consuming KRONOS trainings, to ensure I was up-to-date with all 10+ of them ...
I remember answering the phone at the Front Desk, feeling my stomach fall, and my heart rate increase when my boss told me she was sending a relief person down so I could go talk to her in the office.
Yes, it was going to be a long day ... but for reasons I never would have guessed that morning. Yes, it was going to be a day filled with anxiety and a full body numbing sensation ... because that was the day I also lost my job, January 23rd, 2013.
I was given a box, my final checks, a request (after asking) to not speak with anyone on my way out. I was polite, I was accommodating, I was hyperventilating for real and in my mind. And yet, was also filled with a strange peace.
I have told this story numerous times now. I left my workplace of 3+ (almost 4) years, my company of over 8 years, the ONLY company of my adult career - with a feeling of hope. A feeling, a belief, that this was a clean slate, a hope and knowing that I would find a new job quickly, and all would be well. Following the river home, the sun shining - leading me along, the light twinkling off the water to my right, I was talking on my head set with family and friends, and I was filled with hope. A hope and a disbelief; I now know it was a state of shock. Yet, still a hope that has carried me along these past few weeks, and yet flees me from time to time.
In those times, dark thoughts and feelings of loss, and being lost and alone fill my mind, and encroach on my heart. When that happens, I hear the words of strength, given to me by my cousin, who has endured more than her share of grief,
"We are not meant to live this life alone" - meaning reach out for help and support
"Let yourself Cry, feel those raw emotions, feel them and heal ..."
and most importantly for me, "why do you need to be strong. We are strong for others, not ourselves ..."
With those thoughts, and the help, support, love, encouragement, and wisdom of friends and family I have been grieving the death of 2 very important parts of my life. My relationship, and my career/job.
I have been given a gift, a new start. A clean slate. And I am working through it. This blog is my Journey, in Progress. For there is no true start, or beginning, or ending. It's a journey, and I hope I can find clarity through my writing and perhaps offer hope and inspiration to others. I foresee a few back to back entries, discussing a few of the insights I have had already. And then I shall write when the inspiration takes me.
It's a journey, and one I hope you will join me on for even a little while.
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