Mind Dump Monday

On Sorrow's Ground

At this seasonal time of festivities, we also find a higher rise in depression.  A time when days are incredibly short, and the Sun that lead us joyfully, in the warmer months, goes to rest earlier and earlier each day.  Dusk and night come quickly, and thus the fleeting warmth of sunshine has just a few precious hours to work it's magic.  I find myself more in tune with this change now, than ever before...


I'm also recognizing a continual stream of received insights and messages throughout the day.  From the first break of consciousness in the morning, to the just-as-I-fall-asleep time, little thoughts pop into my mind, that ring true.

'On sorrow's ground' - from Belladonna, by Anne Bishop 

'It's time to change your story' - from some reading, or multiple readings in the past few years

'Go for a walk, get up now' - healthy living advise, when I experience my 'first' wake-up each morning at 6am

'You are still processing the last bit of that relationship, your uncomfortable dreams are a testament to that' - Dream interpretation discussions 

'Get your car fixed, don't let it go too long' - message from my Grandfathers

'Change your Story'  ...

Life is a series of steps, of chances, of embracing the chance to make a change in your present condition.  To taking that leap of faith on the 'next thing' and run with it.   Having the courage to go with it no matter what.

I still have that BIG feeling of doing something tremendous with my life.  I still have days, like today, when I doubt my previous actions and wonder what I'm doing... 

And then, as now, I hear the words, 'Change your Story' and feel a subtle shift as I know the truth of that statement.  And as I feel relieved, having acknowledged that truth, other fears melt away and a strength of character starts pushing through, morphing the bedrock of myself just a little more.  

Change your story ... When you don't like what you have been saying; when you don't like who you are, or who you are becoming, it's time to change your story. 

Do you realize that you are the Author of your life?  Who else knows you, better than you?  Who else tells your story?  I read in many career guides, how you tell your story is as important, if not more important than what's on your resume - which in fact, is a written summary of your story.  To better sell yourself, you often have to look at the facts and find a positive, yet honest way to tell your tale. 

And so having just cried a bit speaking many of these ideas to a trusted friend, and with these quickly shifting thoughts filling the screen before me, a long held weight is lifted and I find myself drifting off to sleep for just a few moments.  The relief of expressing myself so pronounced that it's exhausting.  awakening, I feel some loose ends pulled tight, and a new appreciation for the day ahead. 

In parting I remember the sight of a late night, cloud scattered sky - moon and stars bright in night's dark cape, leafless trees swaying in the howling winds, as I watch from my warm, snug bedroom window.  Stark natural beauty at its finest.  I am reminded that I am just one person in Trillions on this planet; and that all change starts with a single idea, a single step towards something bigger than oneself. 

Injuries, Intuition, & Small Victories

**Written March, 1, 2013 while Journaling at Barnes & Noble**

I can bend my knee again!!  A week of inflammation, sharp pain, minor relief, then over doing it again in TKD - resulted in hobbling around my apartment and up & down stairs, hoping I wouldn't find myself in a heap at the bottom.  I only have insurance for a short time more, and really, 3 flights of stairs with a busted leg or self care with a busted arm is not advisable!  And now, after two days of rest, ice, arnica gel, and ibuprofen every 4-6 hours, I have a knee that can mostly bend all the way without pain!!  I can stretch!  Granted it's still a bit unstable, and twisting/turning is iffy - but I am on the mend!  By Tuesday,I hope to return to TKD - while taking it easy in class and continuing with Ibuprofen and ice :)  No squats, no lunges, and NO flip Flops!!  Tomorrow I start my strengthening exercises provided by my Dr. and Physical therapists from prior flair ups.  I WILL strengthen my knee and keep at it so this will happen less frequently!

I will also listen to my intuition more.  You know, that quiet voice inside that tells you what to do, when its for the best?  That tiny, quiet voice that encourages you to leave earlier than normal, and you miss a horrible crash, or long traffic delay.  That quiet voice that tells you to call a friend, you may not have spoken to in years, and you find out you are able to help them with something?  That quiet voice that told me to take it easy at the gym, and I ignored it, and a week later my knee is still sore.  Yes - instinct/intuition ;)  I shall listen to you more often! 

Instinct/Intuition - a miraculous gift.  Intuition, an inner knowing of what to do, what to say, how to proceed.  I have been working through a relationship/grief book these past few weeks - really since I was let go.  I have been reviewing all my past relationships, and working to 'complete' the unresolved situations, in a effort to let go, and move on.  I am realizing through these reviews that I ignored my intuition MANY times.  We all do.  There are actually many sections of this book dedicated to intuition!  It is my hope that moving forward I will listen and trust more.  This is also advised in many of the spirituality books I have read, and are in the process of reading.  It's truly a work in progress :)

Which brings me to small victories.  I am actively trying to recognize & celebrate every win, large or small in my life.  Because it's the small things over time, that help us achieve the larger wins in life.  My knee recovery is a small win.  Successfully hooking up my Wii and then accessing Netflix on my TV was a big WIN!  (Granted, now I must limit myself to how much TV I am watching.  8+ Months without a TV or cable is now being eradicated by endless episodes of Grey's Anatomy!!!  LOL).  AND!!!  So exciting!!  Earlier this week some HUGE financial worries were absolved - and I can now breath easier knowing I am more than 'ok' for the coming months :)  And that I will be able to continue Tae Kwon Do!!

The anxiety about a job is also waning and I am so very glad about that.  I really enjoy this time off - the opportunity it has given me to really work on me and REST.  Both my mental health and my spiritual health .. yes and physical (so long as I LISTEN to my body!!)  And the opportunity to just BE.  But - Those that know me well, know that I cannot be 'mindless' for long.  I want to contribute to the community and the world.  I like work - I'm a workaholic most of the time (working [no pun intended] on that as well - establishing habits/structures for balance in my life!).  This whole 'no job' thing is really starting to bug me a bit.  

So, I'm very glad that I'm not feeling as overwhelmed by the job hunt process.  A large part of that alleviation is ME re-evaluating my expectations.  When I was let go I thought to myself, 'YES!  I can finally leave Hospitality!!   This is the perfect opportunity!'  And - I became overwhelmed by the prospect of finding a job outside the ONLY industry I have EVER worked in.  As well as leaving the only company I have worked for in the past 10 years!  That's a REALLY, REALLY huge expectation.  And I stuck to it so solidly, that I would freeze every time I logged in to look for jobs.  And again and again, I found myself searching for hotel jobs ... 

So yes - its a great opportunity to have time to explore other options.  I'm working through the book, 'What color is your parachute' which helps do a very comprehensive self-evaluation to discover a persons likes, interests, skill sets, and a number of other things (I haven't finished the book yet - lol) from ALL aspects of a persons life.  It's helping my pinpoint the parts of jobs that I like, and my own expectations.  With this information I hope to find a more fulfilling job.  And I have come to realize that it's OK if I get a job in Hospitality.  I do not have to stay there forever.  I don't have to log another 10 years of my life with one company.  I know I have not really liked any of my previous jobs.  So maybe it was just the company  I did not like.  Maybe it was the type of job, or the expectations.  Thus, it is with this new information I can hopefully find a job that I LIKE - or even better, one that is Fulfilling!! 

And to further the job hunt, I had one meeting already and more set up with my old college professor, an informational interview with a GM in Manchester, a meeting with an adviser at the Career Center down the street, and I am attending a career center seminar (as dictated by Mass. Unemployment).  I'm also looking online a few times a week.  So the ball is rolling ... yay?  LOL

I'm learning a lot of things about myself.  Learning that I cause a lot of my own anxiety - from Absolute beliefs, that are not healthy.  Old patterns that no longer serve.  Patterns that are coming to light - now that I have the time to simply BE with myself - without a job or partner to bury myself in.  Small Victories, turning into larger victories :)

I'm learning to Listen.  To release my need for ultimate control, as I learn to relax.  To think positively, and to be OK with where I am - In ALL aspects of life.  I am keeping my eye on the next goal, and learning to bend, not break, as that goal changes.  Learning its OK to change the goal.  Really, it is.  Sometimes what we want, and what we need are very different things.  Both help us grow, and I remind myself:  It's a journey - with many info posts, challenges, and sights along the way. And REST STOPS!!! 

OH!!  Another small victory, ok, really a BIG Victory.  Master Seo told me when I belt test in a couple weeks - I will jump yellow belt! He's going to give me my Orange Belt.  WOO!!  

Victories - small and large - Celebrating them all with Gratitude ;)