Mind Dump Monday

On Sorrow's Ground

At this seasonal time of festivities, we also find a higher rise in depression.  A time when days are incredibly short, and the Sun that lead us joyfully, in the warmer months, goes to rest earlier and earlier each day.  Dusk and night come quickly, and thus the fleeting warmth of sunshine has just a few precious hours to work it's magic.  I find myself more in tune with this change now, than ever before...


I'm also recognizing a continual stream of received insights and messages throughout the day.  From the first break of consciousness in the morning, to the just-as-I-fall-asleep time, little thoughts pop into my mind, that ring true.

'On sorrow's ground' - from Belladonna, by Anne Bishop 

'It's time to change your story' - from some reading, or multiple readings in the past few years

'Go for a walk, get up now' - healthy living advise, when I experience my 'first' wake-up each morning at 6am

'You are still processing the last bit of that relationship, your uncomfortable dreams are a testament to that' - Dream interpretation discussions 

'Get your car fixed, don't let it go too long' - message from my Grandfathers

'Change your Story'  ...

Life is a series of steps, of chances, of embracing the chance to make a change in your present condition.  To taking that leap of faith on the 'next thing' and run with it.   Having the courage to go with it no matter what.

I still have that BIG feeling of doing something tremendous with my life.  I still have days, like today, when I doubt my previous actions and wonder what I'm doing... 

And then, as now, I hear the words, 'Change your Story' and feel a subtle shift as I know the truth of that statement.  And as I feel relieved, having acknowledged that truth, other fears melt away and a strength of character starts pushing through, morphing the bedrock of myself just a little more.  

Change your story ... When you don't like what you have been saying; when you don't like who you are, or who you are becoming, it's time to change your story. 

Do you realize that you are the Author of your life?  Who else knows you, better than you?  Who else tells your story?  I read in many career guides, how you tell your story is as important, if not more important than what's on your resume - which in fact, is a written summary of your story.  To better sell yourself, you often have to look at the facts and find a positive, yet honest way to tell your tale. 

And so having just cried a bit speaking many of these ideas to a trusted friend, and with these quickly shifting thoughts filling the screen before me, a long held weight is lifted and I find myself drifting off to sleep for just a few moments.  The relief of expressing myself so pronounced that it's exhausting.  awakening, I feel some loose ends pulled tight, and a new appreciation for the day ahead. 

In parting I remember the sight of a late night, cloud scattered sky - moon and stars bright in night's dark cape, leafless trees swaying in the howling winds, as I watch from my warm, snug bedroom window.  Stark natural beauty at its finest.  I am reminded that I am just one person in Trillions on this planet; and that all change starts with a single idea, a single step towards something bigger than oneself. 

Home - In all it's varied meanings

Hello again, Blog.  I have neglected you because I have been in turmoil about what to write.  I wasn't ready to announce to the world that I was moving home while still in my decision making process.  As excited as I was about the movement in my life, the coming home, the support and bonding opportunities it presented (presents), I was also ashamed in some ways, and nervous, fearful about what this life would (will) look like.  

What does moving home mean to me?  Home.  Security.  Family.  Love.  Wisdom.  Comfort.  Friendships.  Time.  Lesser expectations.  Familiar.  Community.  Are all these things true?  Much like the fearful thoughts that kept me away, "There is no opportunity in Maine.  I must make it on my own, without direct help & support."  Are these other thoughts about home true?  I had to wade through these thoughts and feelings on my own, to come to my decision.  And those questions have still been on my mind this past week as I have been settling in and finding a new rhythm. 

And as this process unfolds, I find myself noticing new trains of thought.  I have been taking note of my mind making comparisons of the old me and present me (not new, because we are always evolving, and THAT is a very mindful, important distinction).  Now that I'm home, I'm presented with the mesh of 'old ways of living here' and the opportunity to create a new way of living and being with my friends and family.   Living with my parents I find myself slipping into my remembered teenage habits, yet with more adult compassion and responsibility threaded in.  I find myself thinking of high school; the way I bounced from Mum's to Dad's, of my old sleeping habits, chores, expectations etc, and the way I looked at the world thinking I had unlimited possibilities and I just wanted to LEAVE and venture out.  And then I will go to make dinner, to go see a friend, to hang things on my walls and I will pause and realize I'm also torn between the then and now.  If I was still living on my own this is how I'd do it, but now I'm home so how does that look.  My physical world is set - my rooms, my clothes, my stuff; it's the mental and emotional aspects that are being reshaped and restructured in this new phase of life. 

I also think of the time I had in high school to make decisions about my future, and how SURE I was of my plan, of what my next steps were going to be.  These are all the things that flow in my subconscious and pop intermittently into my conscious day dreams.  That inner voice asking me, 'Who am I now?  How do I present myself?  What is my next step?  How does that fit into my life plan?  What IS my life plan?'  I feel like I have tipped my world completely upside down - I never thought I would move back to Maine, ever.  And I see more clearly than I have in awhile, that I don't have a step by step plan as I once thought I did.  The one I had last month, which helped draw me home, seems blah and uninspiring now.  

Or perhaps it's not so much that I don't have a plan, as my own expectations and ideas for my life have changed, and thus the steps to attain it.  My definition of success and a fulfilled life have gone through many evolutions these past 9 months, and I'm still settling into those new thoughts and ideals.  I am coming to understand that money and titles don't mean as much as knowing that I have made a difference and a positive contribution to others and the environment.  That I want to give back to the world, and make a direct difference in the lives of others.  I want to help educate people on healthier, more sustainable living.  Saving both ourselves and our environment.  Again and again, these are are the passions I came home to fulfill.  

Yet in times of just awakening, or times of fear of failure, I find myself still battling the ideas of what I think the world expects of me, that I'm letting others perceived expectations of me become my own: prestige, big money making, big titles, managing hotels and businesses, working NOW.  And I realize how tightly I still cling to those familiar ideals when my mind wanders too far into fear. Those overly negative thoughts of, 'Why am I home?  What am I doing with my life?  I should be further along by now.  How am I going to find a job?  I still don't know what I want to do.  I've waited too long to get a job.  I'm a failure.  I need a job NOW!'  Repeat endlessly until I literally tell myself STOP! take a deep breath and remind myself of my passions.  Then I can feel my boy relax and I can breath again.  

I remind myself that I have only been here a week and I DO know what to do, and HAVE been doing it.  I know how to network, how to reach out, and most importantly I remind myself that I DO have talents and skills that can be used pretty much everywhere.  I am loved and supported.  I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, clothes on my back, and a wonderful community of people near and far that love me.  If the world were to end today, I can count myself incredibly blessed.

So, here is to a new beginning in Maine.  It's a mesh of old and new, of found, discovered and rediscovered.  The child who left 9+ years ago is now an adult, and it's an interesting journey to see what life holds next.


 And it's OK not to know ...