It's been almost a year since my last entry. And yet, it feels like just yesterday or perhaps even a month ago, that Christmas was here. My Mom was upset that decorating took so long; a cat knocked over the 14ft tree for the first time ever in our long history of super tall trees, and my year off of healing and self reflection came to end as I started my 'new' job.
46 weeks, over 17,000 miles, and an abundance of new experiences later, I have once again carved out a new life for myself. I am still living at home with my parents and feel just a smidgen of shame over this. Yet it feels comfortable and safe, and I enjoy not living by myself. I have my room, my books, and my phone. I have pets and the love of family and friends. The years spent yearning for home (i.e. MAINE) are at an end. That deep seated need is being met.
AND! Most exciting in all of this - My 2013 theme and desire for community has yielded AMAZING results! As well as my search for a spiritual practice and a form of 'work'/ life purpose that comes naturally to me.
My communities are varied and spread throughout the state of Maine. I have found a type of home in my Unitarian Universalist church and the subsequent small groups therein. A Discussion/book club and a Women's Spirituality group both meet monthly. As well as weekly services and a variety of church events like the craft fair and theater productions. New and varied friends have been discovered and such a wealth of information and insight come from the many Sages within our church community. It's a mind opening experience each and every time I get together with any of my church peoples.
Curves is my new gym and thus new workout buddies have been found. My Monday/Wednesday/Friday group is typically there from 6-7pm and I enjoy my time and discussion with them. I also found out that my favorite coach teaches country line dancing one night a week! Hallelujah! I can dance again - it's been loads of fun! The dance group also had ties back to my grade school line dancing crew - so yet another home coming of sorts was found :)
And then - my Holistic Fairs! Where once I sought them out to obtain guidance and supplies for myself, I now have the opportunity to pass along the messages of self love, and trusting ones own intuition to others! My life long gift of empathy - the ability to tap into others to read their emotions and their situations (along with an abundance of other insight) has yielded such joy and love in my life - and a means of additional income which is a fabulous bonus. The community is large, yet a number of folks (vendors) attend most if not all of the fairs. Some of them have adopted me and taken me into their group. It feels so much like 'coming home' when I walk into a fair either as a vendor or attendee. A smile stretches across my face and my heart feels light and full. It's a wonderful thing and I am very grateful to be a part of it all. I'm not sure how long I'll do fairs - if it's just a stepping stone to my own healing practice later or if its something I will do for fun for years to come. But right now, it fills me in a way that I cannot explain, except it's good, and makes me happy!
I was also able to receive my Reiki I attunement in the spring and look forward to my Reiki II attunement soon :) This has, and will continue to, assist in my readings, and will allow me to help people near and far. Reiki is an amazing healing modality that has opened my own awareness so much. I look forward to many more wonderful experiences through it.
And I cannot forget my family and friends who made, and continue to make, ALL of this possible. My family - including all of those I 'adopted' along the way. The Waterville crew, thanks to my best friend Amanda, and the friends I left behind in MA & NH. All of you supported me and continue to support me, along the way. I would not be here, as successful as I am now, without you! THANK YOU!
And to my new friends - you are opening my eyes & heart in ways I would have never imagined. You continue to Present new ideas and perspectives that make me smile and enrich my life. Many thanks and much love to: Autumn, Tysa, T.J., and Laurie (because it's a whole new connection!)
Quotes for the past year:
"Celebrate the people in your life who are there because they love you for no other reason than because you are YOU.” ~Mandy Hale
"Whatever we think about and THANK about, we bring about!" ~John DeMartini
"As I began to love myself
I freed myself of anything
that is no good for my health
- food, people, things, situations, and everything
that drew me down and away from myself.
At First I called this attitude a healthy egoism.
Today I know it as
LOVE OF ONESELF"
~ Charlie Chaplin
"Trust your Struggle...Know that every obstacle before you has it's
own purpose, no matter how painful or pointless it may seem.Trust in
your journey that has been set out for you..keep the light within you lit, ..and you will always have the flame to overcome anything." ~Babz
Showing posts with label Maine. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Maine. Show all posts
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Home - In all it's varied meanings
Hello again, Blog. I have neglected you because I have been in turmoil about what to write. I wasn't ready to announce to the world that I was moving home while still in my decision making process. As excited as I was about the movement in my life, the coming home, the support and bonding opportunities it presented (presents), I was also ashamed in some ways, and nervous, fearful about what this life would (will) look like.
What does moving home mean to me? Home. Security. Family. Love. Wisdom. Comfort. Friendships. Time. Lesser expectations. Familiar. Community. Are all these things true? Much like the fearful thoughts that kept me away, "There is no opportunity in Maine. I must make it on my own, without direct help & support." Are these other thoughts about home true? I had to wade through these thoughts and feelings on my own, to come to my decision. And those questions have still been on my mind this past week as I have been settling in and finding a new rhythm.
And as this process unfolds, I find myself noticing new trains of thought. I have been taking note of my mind making comparisons of the old me and present me (not new, because we are always evolving, and THAT is a very mindful, important distinction). Now that I'm home, I'm presented with the mesh of 'old ways of living here' and the opportunity to create a new way of living and being with my friends and family. Living with my parents I find myself slipping into my remembered teenage habits, yet with more adult compassion and responsibility threaded in. I find myself thinking of high school; the way I bounced from Mum's to Dad's, of my old sleeping habits, chores, expectations etc, and the way I looked at the world thinking I had unlimited possibilities and I just wanted to LEAVE and venture out. And then I will go to make dinner, to go see a friend, to hang things on my walls and I will pause and realize I'm also torn between the then and now. If I was still living on my own this is how I'd do it, but now I'm home so how does that look. My physical world is set - my rooms, my clothes, my stuff; it's the mental and emotional aspects that are being reshaped and restructured in this new phase of life.
I also think of the time I had in high school to make decisions about my future, and how SURE I was of my plan, of what my next steps were going to be. These are all the things that flow in my subconscious and pop intermittently into my conscious day dreams. That inner voice asking me, 'Who am I now? How do I present myself? What is my next step? How does that fit into my life plan? What IS my life plan?' I feel like I have tipped my world completely upside down - I never thought I would move back to Maine, ever. And I see more clearly than I have in awhile, that I don't have a step by step plan as I once thought I did. The one I had last month, which helped draw me home, seems blah and uninspiring now.
Or perhaps it's not so much that I don't have a plan, as my own expectations and ideas for my life have changed, and thus the steps to attain it. My definition of success and a fulfilled life have gone through many evolutions these past 9 months, and I'm still settling into those new thoughts and ideals. I am coming to understand that money and titles don't mean as much as knowing that I have made a difference and a positive contribution to others and the environment. That I want to give back to the world, and make a direct difference in the lives of others. I want to help educate people on healthier, more sustainable living. Saving both ourselves and our environment. Again and again, these are are the passions I came home to fulfill.
Yet in times of just awakening, or times of fear of failure, I find myself still battling the ideas of what I think the world expects of me, that I'm letting others perceived expectations of me become my own: prestige, big money making, big titles, managing hotels and businesses, working NOW. And I realize how tightly I still cling to those familiar ideals when my mind wanders too far into fear. Those overly negative thoughts of, 'Why am I home? What am I doing with my life? I should be further along by now. How am I going to find a job? I still don't know what I want to do. I've waited too long to get a job. I'm a failure. I need a job NOW!' Repeat endlessly until I literally tell myself STOP! take a deep breath and remind myself of my passions. Then I can feel my boy relax and I can breath again.
I remind myself that I have only been here a week and I DO know what to do, and HAVE been doing it. I know how to network, how to reach out, and most importantly I remind myself that I DO have talents and skills that can be used pretty much everywhere. I am loved and supported. I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, clothes on my back, and a wonderful community of people near and far that love me. If the world were to end today, I can count myself incredibly blessed.
So, here is to a new beginning in Maine. It's a mesh of old and new, of found, discovered and rediscovered. The child who left 9+ years ago is now an adult, and it's an interesting journey to see what life holds next.
And it's OK not to know ...
What does moving home mean to me? Home. Security. Family. Love. Wisdom. Comfort. Friendships. Time. Lesser expectations. Familiar. Community. Are all these things true? Much like the fearful thoughts that kept me away, "There is no opportunity in Maine. I must make it on my own, without direct help & support." Are these other thoughts about home true? I had to wade through these thoughts and feelings on my own, to come to my decision. And those questions have still been on my mind this past week as I have been settling in and finding a new rhythm.
And as this process unfolds, I find myself noticing new trains of thought. I have been taking note of my mind making comparisons of the old me and present me (not new, because we are always evolving, and THAT is a very mindful, important distinction). Now that I'm home, I'm presented with the mesh of 'old ways of living here' and the opportunity to create a new way of living and being with my friends and family. Living with my parents I find myself slipping into my remembered teenage habits, yet with more adult compassion and responsibility threaded in. I find myself thinking of high school; the way I bounced from Mum's to Dad's, of my old sleeping habits, chores, expectations etc, and the way I looked at the world thinking I had unlimited possibilities and I just wanted to LEAVE and venture out. And then I will go to make dinner, to go see a friend, to hang things on my walls and I will pause and realize I'm also torn between the then and now. If I was still living on my own this is how I'd do it, but now I'm home so how does that look. My physical world is set - my rooms, my clothes, my stuff; it's the mental and emotional aspects that are being reshaped and restructured in this new phase of life.
I also think of the time I had in high school to make decisions about my future, and how SURE I was of my plan, of what my next steps were going to be. These are all the things that flow in my subconscious and pop intermittently into my conscious day dreams. That inner voice asking me, 'Who am I now? How do I present myself? What is my next step? How does that fit into my life plan? What IS my life plan?' I feel like I have tipped my world completely upside down - I never thought I would move back to Maine, ever. And I see more clearly than I have in awhile, that I don't have a step by step plan as I once thought I did. The one I had last month, which helped draw me home, seems blah and uninspiring now.
Or perhaps it's not so much that I don't have a plan, as my own expectations and ideas for my life have changed, and thus the steps to attain it. My definition of success and a fulfilled life have gone through many evolutions these past 9 months, and I'm still settling into those new thoughts and ideals. I am coming to understand that money and titles don't mean as much as knowing that I have made a difference and a positive contribution to others and the environment. That I want to give back to the world, and make a direct difference in the lives of others. I want to help educate people on healthier, more sustainable living. Saving both ourselves and our environment. Again and again, these are are the passions I came home to fulfill.
Yet in times of just awakening, or times of fear of failure, I find myself still battling the ideas of what I think the world expects of me, that I'm letting others perceived expectations of me become my own: prestige, big money making, big titles, managing hotels and businesses, working NOW. And I realize how tightly I still cling to those familiar ideals when my mind wanders too far into fear. Those overly negative thoughts of, 'Why am I home? What am I doing with my life? I should be further along by now. How am I going to find a job? I still don't know what I want to do. I've waited too long to get a job. I'm a failure. I need a job NOW!' Repeat endlessly until I literally tell myself STOP! take a deep breath and remind myself of my passions. Then I can feel my boy relax and I can breath again.
I remind myself that I have only been here a week and I DO know what to do, and HAVE been doing it. I know how to network, how to reach out, and most importantly I remind myself that I DO have talents and skills that can be used pretty much everywhere. I am loved and supported. I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, clothes on my back, and a wonderful community of people near and far that love me. If the world were to end today, I can count myself incredibly blessed.
So, here is to a new beginning in Maine. It's a mesh of old and new, of found, discovered and rediscovered. The child who left 9+ years ago is now an adult, and it's an interesting journey to see what life holds next.
And it's OK not to know ...
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