Communities Found!

It's been almost a year since my last entry.  And yet, it feels like just yesterday or perhaps even a month ago, that Christmas was here.  My Mom was upset that decorating took so long; a cat knocked over the 14ft tree for the first time ever in our long history of super tall trees, and my year off of healing and self reflection came to end as I started my 'new' job.

46 weeks, over 17,000 miles, and an abundance of new experiences later, I have once again carved out a new life for myself.  I am still living at home with my parents and feel just a smidgen of shame over this.  Yet it feels comfortable and safe, and I enjoy not living by myself.  I have my room, my books, and my phone.  I have pets and the love of family and friends.  The years spent yearning for home (i.e. MAINE) are at an end.  That deep seated need is being met.  

AND!  Most exciting in all of this - My 2013 theme and desire for community has yielded AMAZING results!  As well as my search for a spiritual practice and a form of 'work'/ life purpose that comes naturally to me. 

My communities are varied and spread throughout the state of Maine.  I have found a type of home in my Unitarian Universalist church and the subsequent small groups therein.  A Discussion/book club and a Women's Spirituality group both meet monthly.  As well as weekly services and a variety of church events like the craft fair and theater productions.  New and varied friends have been discovered and such a wealth of information and insight come from the many Sages within our church community.  It's a mind opening experience each and every time I get together with any of my church peoples.

Curves is my new gym and thus new workout buddies have been found.  My Monday/Wednesday/Friday group is typically there from 6-7pm and I enjoy my time and discussion with them.  I also found out that my favorite coach teaches country line dancing one night a week!  Hallelujah!  I can dance again - it's been loads of fun!  The dance group also had ties back to my grade school line dancing crew - so yet another home coming of sorts was found  :)

And then - my Holistic Fairs!  Where once I sought them out to obtain guidance and supplies for myself, I now have the opportunity to pass along the messages of self love, and trusting ones own intuition to others!  My life long gift of empathy - the ability to tap into others to read their emotions and their situations (along with an abundance of other insight) has yielded such joy and love in my life - and a means of additional income which is a fabulous bonus.  The community is large, yet a number of folks (vendors) attend most if not all of the fairs.  Some of them have adopted me and taken me into their group.  It feels so much like 'coming home' when I walk into a fair either as a vendor or attendee.  A smile stretches across my face and my heart feels light and full.  It's a wonderful thing and I am very grateful to be a part of it all.  I'm not sure how long I'll do fairs - if it's just a stepping stone to my own healing practice later or if its something I will do for fun for years to come.  But right now, it fills me in a way that I cannot explain, except it's good, and makes me happy! 

I was also able to receive my Reiki I attunement in the spring and look forward to my Reiki II attunement soon :)  This has, and will continue to, assist in my readings, and will allow me to help people near and far.  Reiki is an amazing healing modality that has opened my own awareness so much.  I look forward to many more wonderful experiences through it. 

And I cannot forget my family and friends who made, and continue to make, ALL of this possible.  My family - including all of those I 'adopted' along the way.  The Waterville crew, thanks to my best friend Amanda, and the friends I left behind in MA & NH.  All of you supported me and continue to support me, along the way.  I would not be here, as successful as I am now, without you!  THANK YOU! 

And to my new friends - you are opening my eyes & heart in ways I would have never imagined.  You continue to Present new ideas and perspectives that make me smile and enrich my life.  Many thanks and much love to:  Autumn, Tysa, T.J., and Laurie (because it's a whole new connection!)

Quotes for the past year:

"Celebrate the people in your life who are there because they love you for no other reason than because you are YOU.” ~Mandy Hale 

"Whatever we think about and THANK about, we bring about!" ~John DeMartini

"As I began to love myself
I freed myself of anything 
that is no good for my health 
- food, people, things, situations, and everything 
that drew me down and away from myself.  
At First I called this attitude a healthy egoism.  
Today I know it as 
LOVE OF ONESELF"
~ Charlie Chaplin

"Trust your Struggle...Know that every obstacle before you has it's own purpose, no matter how painful or pointless it may seem.Trust in your journey that has been set out for you..keep the light within you lit, ..and you will always have the flame to overcome anything." ~Babz

Mind Dump Monday

On Sorrow's Ground

At this seasonal time of festivities, we also find a higher rise in depression.  A time when days are incredibly short, and the Sun that lead us joyfully, in the warmer months, goes to rest earlier and earlier each day.  Dusk and night come quickly, and thus the fleeting warmth of sunshine has just a few precious hours to work it's magic.  I find myself more in tune with this change now, than ever before...


I'm also recognizing a continual stream of received insights and messages throughout the day.  From the first break of consciousness in the morning, to the just-as-I-fall-asleep time, little thoughts pop into my mind, that ring true.

'On sorrow's ground' - from Belladonna, by Anne Bishop 

'It's time to change your story' - from some reading, or multiple readings in the past few years

'Go for a walk, get up now' - healthy living advise, when I experience my 'first' wake-up each morning at 6am

'You are still processing the last bit of that relationship, your uncomfortable dreams are a testament to that' - Dream interpretation discussions 

'Get your car fixed, don't let it go too long' - message from my Grandfathers

'Change your Story'  ...

Life is a series of steps, of chances, of embracing the chance to make a change in your present condition.  To taking that leap of faith on the 'next thing' and run with it.   Having the courage to go with it no matter what.

I still have that BIG feeling of doing something tremendous with my life.  I still have days, like today, when I doubt my previous actions and wonder what I'm doing... 

And then, as now, I hear the words, 'Change your Story' and feel a subtle shift as I know the truth of that statement.  And as I feel relieved, having acknowledged that truth, other fears melt away and a strength of character starts pushing through, morphing the bedrock of myself just a little more.  

Change your story ... When you don't like what you have been saying; when you don't like who you are, or who you are becoming, it's time to change your story. 

Do you realize that you are the Author of your life?  Who else knows you, better than you?  Who else tells your story?  I read in many career guides, how you tell your story is as important, if not more important than what's on your resume - which in fact, is a written summary of your story.  To better sell yourself, you often have to look at the facts and find a positive, yet honest way to tell your tale. 

And so having just cried a bit speaking many of these ideas to a trusted friend, and with these quickly shifting thoughts filling the screen before me, a long held weight is lifted and I find myself drifting off to sleep for just a few moments.  The relief of expressing myself so pronounced that it's exhausting.  awakening, I feel some loose ends pulled tight, and a new appreciation for the day ahead. 

In parting I remember the sight of a late night, cloud scattered sky - moon and stars bright in night's dark cape, leafless trees swaying in the howling winds, as I watch from my warm, snug bedroom window.  Stark natural beauty at its finest.  I am reminded that I am just one person in Trillions on this planet; and that all change starts with a single idea, a single step towards something bigger than oneself. 

I Have Enough

A practice in gratitude and self compassion.

I have enough money in my account - Thank you Lord.
I have enough food in my freezer & pantry - Thank you Lord.
I have enough clothes in my closet - Thank you Lord.
I have enough support with in my friends - Thank you Lord.
I have enough love from my family - Thank you Lord.
I have enough STUFF in my house - Thank you Lord.
I have compassion for others, and am learning compassion for myself - Thank you Lord.

I have enough time - to do the work you set out for me - Help me understand and embrace that Lord - you have provided me enough, enough of everything, help me embrace and understand this last bit  ... because it seems like a clock is ticking, and yet is stuck at the same time.  A paradoxical Limbo that I cannot quit explain or escape from.

I have enough - enough supplies to last me a month or two - or more depending on the item/product.  I have enough.  I do not need more - unless more is friends, happiness, joyful and peaceful moments.  And that is a want, not a need.  I have.  Yes, oh yes that is the mantra running through my mind, and yet - it seems to slip and slither and wiggle away.  It's a thought, a chant, that I am trying to embrace.  In a world that focuses on more, more, more, I want to sit and be calm; embracing & understanding what I have.  To fully enjoy and know that I have enough.  Enough so much that I could/can give away some, and not feel depleted or wanting.

I have, so I can give.  I have, so I can provide.  Looking around my house, I wonder what I truly need.  Looking around at society and friends, and family - How do we each live our lives - How can I live better, more simply?  What am I willing and able to part with?  And I wonder where is this urging, this wondering coming from.  A change in my priorities, in my life style for certain...

I have enough.  Thank you Father for putting this in my mind, in my heart.  For reminding me that I have all that I need and that I will continually be provided for, that my needs will be met.  Not always in the ways I think, but in the ways that best serve me and those around me. 

And when I start to relax that grip on my mind, my future, I feel a sense of calm acceptance.  I will find what my heart seeks, what I send up in prayer & meditation.  The right job will come along. 

I have faith. 




Taurus - I have.  Power of manifestation.  It's a bit ironic when it slaps you in the face years later.

Tears, Hope, & Compassion

Tender
Explosive
Abrasive
Restorative
Soothing

 Tears:  noun

1.

a drop of the saline, watery fluid continually secreted by the lacrimal glands between the surface of the eye and the eyelid, serving to moisten and lubricate these parts and keep them clear of foreign particles. Synonyms: teardrop.

2.

this fluid appearing in or flowing from the eye as the result of emotion, especially grief: to shed tears.

Tears.  Crying.  So easy and natural for some, not quite so for me.  I do not know exactly how or where I got the idea, the 'tape', the message, that I should not cry.  That crying won't solve anything, that I don't deserve to cry - because really, is my life so bad?  Really, are you going to cry about this?  Others have it so much worse, why are you crying?  Look at all the good in your life, you don't need to cry about this.  Suck it up, and get over it, look at the bright side ... (what ever it may be for the situation, and there was always something bright to find, if I looked hard enough) - this doesn't deserve tears!

 ... and so, I would swallow the tears, the emotion.  I would put on the happy face, TRY to breath, and move along with my day, night, life.  And thus, having shoved down yet another round of intense emotion to add to the growing, compacted pile, I would carry on. 

That is until recently.  Perhaps within the past 2 weeks.  I have allowed myself to start crying.  The bouts don't last long, but are exhausting none the less.  Great chest wracking, hyperventilating sobs that are releasing the pent up STUFF.  Then I quiet down, and can breath and feel ... EXHAUSTED.  But oh so much better.  Releasing the emotion is wonderful  WHY didn't I do this before?  Because it was a sign of weakness?  Because I felt I needed to carry all that emotion, ALL THE TIME?!  Because I needed to be strong, and PROVE I could 'carry on.'  Prove it to who???  Oh, that's right, all of you ... and me.  Perhaps one day I will figure it out (and really, if I don't find out the reason, but can stop the pattern, that's ok!), but for now, I'm allowing myself to cry, when I can.  When the sensation hits me.  And I know a lot of it is not coming from just these most recent events, but from all the other times I pushed down a fear, a sadness, a personal injustice  It's the compounded effect of years of emotions tied together, which is why I think its so utterly, wonderfully, exhausting.

No, that is not sarcasm - I welcome the exhaustion.  Holding onto all that emotion kept me restless, filled with anxiety and all sorts of insomnia.  Restless, sleepless nights; waking with racing thoughts.  To feel a moment, or a couple hours of pure, worn out exhaustion is - oddly, welcomed.  The healing sleep that comes after is restorative.  Its brief, and good.  

Which all gives me HOPE.  Hope for a brighter tomorrow.  I can see glimmers here and there, that each one is a bit better.  I can feel myself healing a little bit.  And I thank each of my friends and family members for their support and compassion.  Compassion which also brings tears to my eyes, and sometimes sets off the quiet, streaming down the cheeks, loving, healing kind.  The kind that twists and tugs at my tender, hurting heart.  And, I step back and realize, compassion has always made me cry.  To know and feel another's love is a very special, heart tugging experience.  A friend once told me that tears of compassion are a gift.  I had shared that I often cry when I actually do get to church, and was wondering what it meant.  She said it was a gift, a way to recognize love ... I have held onto that little conversation, and I think I have begun to understand it.  

Just as much as the absence of love can hurt; the presence of love also heals.  Self love, understanding, compassion, unexpected gestures, a hug, a knowing/understanding look - all these and more, are love.  It doesn't have to be fireworks and lightening strikes.  It can be appreciating the thoughtfulness of another, a moment of understanding, a glimpse of peace during meditation.  These are love, compassion, HOPE.  Tears of healing, of love.  Expressing themselves just as the hurt also comes out. 

And today's thought is:  'Do the best you can until you know better.  Then when you know better, do better.'  - Maya Angelou