The Spirit of Christmas - A Few Days Late

Perhaps it was the fact that I got my job just a few days before Christmas.  Perhaps it's because Thanksgiving was a smaller affair this year, so the pre-family gathering didn't happen like it usually does.  Perhaps its because we had Thanksgiving a week later this year.  Perhaps it was just a funk year, but Christmas didn't feel like Christmas for me - until now.  Tonight, after the extended family had gone home, a brief nap, and some extra munchies, the spirit and JOY of Christmas hit as I looked around the house and saw all the decorations and the tree.  The living room was picked up, the table cleared off, my Step-Dad was intensely watching football, and I just smiled and felt that little flurry of Christmas joy that had eluded me all season.  

I'm so thankful for my family.  For the love and support they have always given and most especially the love and support of the past year.  Today as I stood back and looked at the assembled Robinson family, I caught myself thinking, "This is my Clan, my Tribe."  We may not all have been there, and that's OK, those who could not make it were here in spirit with me and they are part of the Tribe.  And Family - family is not always blood either.  Friends, those I have 'adopted', and those my parents have 'adopted' are my family as well, and tonight, I give thanks and much love to them as well... 

Christmas Spirit is Traditions, Family, & Love - in all the varied expressions that exist - foods, decorations, games, sayings, all of this and more.  Tonight, I was blessed to touch upon that once more :)

I Have Enough

A practice in gratitude and self compassion.

I have enough money in my account - Thank you Lord.
I have enough food in my freezer & pantry - Thank you Lord.
I have enough clothes in my closet - Thank you Lord.
I have enough support with in my friends - Thank you Lord.
I have enough love from my family - Thank you Lord.
I have enough STUFF in my house - Thank you Lord.
I have compassion for others, and am learning compassion for myself - Thank you Lord.

I have enough time - to do the work you set out for me - Help me understand and embrace that Lord - you have provided me enough, enough of everything, help me embrace and understand this last bit  ... because it seems like a clock is ticking, and yet is stuck at the same time.  A paradoxical Limbo that I cannot quit explain or escape from.

I have enough - enough supplies to last me a month or two - or more depending on the item/product.  I have enough.  I do not need more - unless more is friends, happiness, joyful and peaceful moments.  And that is a want, not a need.  I have.  Yes, oh yes that is the mantra running through my mind, and yet - it seems to slip and slither and wiggle away.  It's a thought, a chant, that I am trying to embrace.  In a world that focuses on more, more, more, I want to sit and be calm; embracing & understanding what I have.  To fully enjoy and know that I have enough.  Enough so much that I could/can give away some, and not feel depleted or wanting.

I have, so I can give.  I have, so I can provide.  Looking around my house, I wonder what I truly need.  Looking around at society and friends, and family - How do we each live our lives - How can I live better, more simply?  What am I willing and able to part with?  And I wonder where is this urging, this wondering coming from.  A change in my priorities, in my life style for certain...

I have enough.  Thank you Father for putting this in my mind, in my heart.  For reminding me that I have all that I need and that I will continually be provided for, that my needs will be met.  Not always in the ways I think, but in the ways that best serve me and those around me. 

And when I start to relax that grip on my mind, my future, I feel a sense of calm acceptance.  I will find what my heart seeks, what I send up in prayer & meditation.  The right job will come along. 

I have faith. 




Taurus - I have.  Power of manifestation.  It's a bit ironic when it slaps you in the face years later.

A picture is worth a thousand words (and memories)

I sync'd my iPhone to my computer tonight and updated my music selection.  Which lead me to see that I only had .5GB of space left.  I figured it was time to clean up my photos.  3.4GB is quite a few ...

So many memories from the beginning of my relationship through present.  I realize now that I have been pushing down the good times, and remembering mostly the bad.  Going through the photos and sorting them into files (because I'm a bit neurotic that way) and then deleting them (no, not all, not yet) from my phone brought flashbacks of ALL our times together.  Seeing my smiling face, OUR smiling faces - made me remember the good times, the happy, bliss filled moments, the hopes & dreams of our future.  The reason(s) I wanted us to work for so very long.  The reason(s) why I could ignore that little voice and push it away.  We did have MANY good times, and I have the photo story book to prove it.  

And yet, even with the positive, happy memories came the slow crawling shadow of doubt, about 3 minutes behind that warm rush.  Presently, the little voice colored over some of those moments and with that, I know the balance is coming.  The ability to look at the past and smile and be thankful for what we had.  I know it will take time and I know for now I will look at the pictures and sometimes, I'll forget that I broke it off; For a moment, like tonight, I will be back in time and feel my own happiness.  Then, I will look up, see my surroundings, and know I am moving on.  

It has been a roller coaster, and I am glad I went through the pictures.  I'm glad I felt the emotions, and could recognize them for what they are, and what they represent to me.  I didn't dig too deeply.  I'm working on (and through) that elsewhere.  Right now, I just wanted to make space, save the pictures, and take another step towards closure and the future.  It makes me feel slightly guilty, but I know it's all part of the process.  

And - I cleaned up 1.4GB of space in my iPhone picture stash!  It's all about the small steps right?  And being present, in the moment.  Right here, right now.

"If you're depressed, you're living in the past. 
If you're anxious, you're living in the future. 
If you're at peace, you're living in the present." 

-Lao Tzu  

Fresh Falling Snow

Yesterday I sat looking out the window and was entranced with the beauty of fresh falling snow.  The big, soft snowflakes, drifting down, coating trees, cars, and ground alike.  A vision from a fairy tale.  I smiled at the beauty and wished I could capture it, to remind me that after each storm, each hardship in life, there is beauty to be seen.  It reminded me of blessings and fresh starts.  Of a new white canvas to draw upon.  

I have done some soul searching of late and just this morning read the following passage which resonated so strongly with me, I laughed softly to myself. 

"... We tend to manage our lives intellectually, keeping ourselves busy with mostly superficial matters, while underneath we often feel bored, restless, somewhat lost, and frequently ungrounded - as if we aren't really in our bodies.  This is why we keep ourselves busy.  It's a way to distract ourselves, at least temporarily, from experiencing the unpleasant inner anxiety that haunts us.  

Most of us experience some degree of this spiritually unconscious phase at one time or another ... but it usually comes to an abrupt end with some sort of highly unexpected or hugely upsetting crisis, such as being in an accident, developing an illness, losing a loved one, or feeling rejected by someone we love.  It can also result from an anticipated end of a cycle or circumstance - for example, losing a job, graduating from college, leaving a marriage or long-term relationship...  

Once we begin to awaken our Spirit, we sense possibilities in life that we weren't aware of before and want to find out what they are.  As if waking up from an endless dream, we start to look at the world with fresh eyes and a new found sense of curiosity.  [...] You've progressed to the point where the things you've held on to as false security blankets no longer serve you; and you're ready to let go of limited relationships, ideas, and beliefs so that you can be introduced to new, more empowering ones.  [...] ... I've worked with thousands of people over the past 35 years who have shared these types of experiences with me, and I often ask if they were genuinely surprised when their awakening began.  Almost everyone I've spoken to said something like: 'On the surface yes, ... but deep down, no, I wasn't surprised.  I even felt it coming.  I just didn't know when or how.'  [...]  Once Spirit taps you on the shoulder, you're compelled to sit up, pay attention, and listen.  Like waking up during a restless night, you simply can't go back to sleep."   - Sonia Choquette, "The Power of your Spirit" (pgs 7-10)

I laughed, because this very awakening has happened in various ways over the past 10 years.  This most recent time, when I 'woke up' and realized my relationship was not what I wanted, it was very much like not being able to fall back to sleep.  It was such a soul deep knowing, I could not refuse it.  3 days of pure anxiety as my mind and body processed what my heart and soul knew was the truth.  Hindsight is so very 20/20.  In quiet moments of justbeforesleep, moments of time, memories would replay themselves, solidifying my decision.  In moments of half sleep during the night, my mind would string together fragments of conversations and snapshot memories, showing me, helping me understand WHY I was making this decision.  God, and my angels, were helping me process MY TRUTH.  My authenticity.  Showing me how to be true to myself.  Giving me the strength to '... disappoint another to be true to myself' (Oriah Mountain Dreamer, The Invitation).

I questioned how to say it, how to phrase it.  How does one tell a lover, a partner, you future husband (as we had talked about and were planning) - You are not for me?  You are not the right person for me ... and these are the reasons why...  and then not know how to put into words all the small and big reasons.  I found my way.  Through prayer, and writing, and meditating, and just winging it at times.  I found my way to say the hard truths, and the knowing, that THIS IS NOT FOR ME.  With the constant reminder of, "Can you disappoint another, to be true to yourself."  

My entire life I have avoided the possibility of disappointing another, of hurting another person, because it would hurt me, and I would feel bad letting someone else down.  Even when it wasn't what I wanted to do, even when it made me unhappy, I gave to others.  That one line has been on my mind for years, circling, repeating, and finally it made sense.  I knew what it was saying.  Can I be true to myself, even if it disappoints another - because I MATTER.  I deserve to stand up for myself, and be true to ME.  If I am not true to ME, then how can I be true to another person?

It was a hard lesson.  And one I am still working through.  I learned the lesson, much like you learn equations in math class.  Now, how do I apply it?  

Well, a few days ago I was given an opportunity to practice a form of this lesson.  I had a hard truth to share with a friend.  Something that had occurred years ago that I had carried with me ... a hard stone of guilt in my stomach.  I knew that I could no longer hold onto this, and have what I wanted - an authentic friendship for either of us.  I prayed, I meditated, I prayed some more, and shared the news.  It was scarey and wonderful at the same time.  I knew that it could go either way, and I was prepared to accept an ending.  Instead I was given an opportunity to move on with grace and blessed with continued friendship.  Time had been able to heal some of the harsh wounds and I am blessed with a forgiving friend. 

So as I look outside today, and see the raging wind and storm tossed snow - I remember yesterday, and the peaceful beauty that fell gracefully from the sky.  I know that each day will present its own version of beauty and turmoil, and that in the end, the landscape will be ready for a new adventure, a new painting.  

My Spirit is awakening to a new level.  One that I am excited to explore.  One that no longer allows me to hold onto relationships or jobs that no longer serve me.  And that encourages me to resolve past issues, so I can continue my journey with a stronger sense of authenticity (and better Karma!).  

I will stumble, I will fall, I will still make mistakes - we are human!  I Am Human.  But I know that I have a better base, and a better sense of myself and a wonderful inner compass I am continuing to learn and refine. 

I look forward to more mornings filled with Fresh Falling Snow ... 


 

Tears, Hope, & Compassion

Tender
Explosive
Abrasive
Restorative
Soothing

 Tears:  noun

1.

a drop of the saline, watery fluid continually secreted by the lacrimal glands between the surface of the eye and the eyelid, serving to moisten and lubricate these parts and keep them clear of foreign particles. Synonyms: teardrop.

2.

this fluid appearing in or flowing from the eye as the result of emotion, especially grief: to shed tears.

Tears.  Crying.  So easy and natural for some, not quite so for me.  I do not know exactly how or where I got the idea, the 'tape', the message, that I should not cry.  That crying won't solve anything, that I don't deserve to cry - because really, is my life so bad?  Really, are you going to cry about this?  Others have it so much worse, why are you crying?  Look at all the good in your life, you don't need to cry about this.  Suck it up, and get over it, look at the bright side ... (what ever it may be for the situation, and there was always something bright to find, if I looked hard enough) - this doesn't deserve tears!

 ... and so, I would swallow the tears, the emotion.  I would put on the happy face, TRY to breath, and move along with my day, night, life.  And thus, having shoved down yet another round of intense emotion to add to the growing, compacted pile, I would carry on. 

That is until recently.  Perhaps within the past 2 weeks.  I have allowed myself to start crying.  The bouts don't last long, but are exhausting none the less.  Great chest wracking, hyperventilating sobs that are releasing the pent up STUFF.  Then I quiet down, and can breath and feel ... EXHAUSTED.  But oh so much better.  Releasing the emotion is wonderful  WHY didn't I do this before?  Because it was a sign of weakness?  Because I felt I needed to carry all that emotion, ALL THE TIME?!  Because I needed to be strong, and PROVE I could 'carry on.'  Prove it to who???  Oh, that's right, all of you ... and me.  Perhaps one day I will figure it out (and really, if I don't find out the reason, but can stop the pattern, that's ok!), but for now, I'm allowing myself to cry, when I can.  When the sensation hits me.  And I know a lot of it is not coming from just these most recent events, but from all the other times I pushed down a fear, a sadness, a personal injustice  It's the compounded effect of years of emotions tied together, which is why I think its so utterly, wonderfully, exhausting.

No, that is not sarcasm - I welcome the exhaustion.  Holding onto all that emotion kept me restless, filled with anxiety and all sorts of insomnia.  Restless, sleepless nights; waking with racing thoughts.  To feel a moment, or a couple hours of pure, worn out exhaustion is - oddly, welcomed.  The healing sleep that comes after is restorative.  Its brief, and good.  

Which all gives me HOPE.  Hope for a brighter tomorrow.  I can see glimmers here and there, that each one is a bit better.  I can feel myself healing a little bit.  And I thank each of my friends and family members for their support and compassion.  Compassion which also brings tears to my eyes, and sometimes sets off the quiet, streaming down the cheeks, loving, healing kind.  The kind that twists and tugs at my tender, hurting heart.  And, I step back and realize, compassion has always made me cry.  To know and feel another's love is a very special, heart tugging experience.  A friend once told me that tears of compassion are a gift.  I had shared that I often cry when I actually do get to church, and was wondering what it meant.  She said it was a gift, a way to recognize love ... I have held onto that little conversation, and I think I have begun to understand it.  

Just as much as the absence of love can hurt; the presence of love also heals.  Self love, understanding, compassion, unexpected gestures, a hug, a knowing/understanding look - all these and more, are love.  It doesn't have to be fireworks and lightening strikes.  It can be appreciating the thoughtfulness of another, a moment of understanding, a glimpse of peace during meditation.  These are love, compassion, HOPE.  Tears of healing, of love.  Expressing themselves just as the hurt also comes out. 

And today's thought is:  'Do the best you can until you know better.  Then when you know better, do better.'  - Maya Angelou