Home - In all it's varied meanings

Hello again, Blog.  I have neglected you because I have been in turmoil about what to write.  I wasn't ready to announce to the world that I was moving home while still in my decision making process.  As excited as I was about the movement in my life, the coming home, the support and bonding opportunities it presented (presents), I was also ashamed in some ways, and nervous, fearful about what this life would (will) look like.  

What does moving home mean to me?  Home.  Security.  Family.  Love.  Wisdom.  Comfort.  Friendships.  Time.  Lesser expectations.  Familiar.  Community.  Are all these things true?  Much like the fearful thoughts that kept me away, "There is no opportunity in Maine.  I must make it on my own, without direct help & support."  Are these other thoughts about home true?  I had to wade through these thoughts and feelings on my own, to come to my decision.  And those questions have still been on my mind this past week as I have been settling in and finding a new rhythm. 

And as this process unfolds, I find myself noticing new trains of thought.  I have been taking note of my mind making comparisons of the old me and present me (not new, because we are always evolving, and THAT is a very mindful, important distinction).  Now that I'm home, I'm presented with the mesh of 'old ways of living here' and the opportunity to create a new way of living and being with my friends and family.   Living with my parents I find myself slipping into my remembered teenage habits, yet with more adult compassion and responsibility threaded in.  I find myself thinking of high school; the way I bounced from Mum's to Dad's, of my old sleeping habits, chores, expectations etc, and the way I looked at the world thinking I had unlimited possibilities and I just wanted to LEAVE and venture out.  And then I will go to make dinner, to go see a friend, to hang things on my walls and I will pause and realize I'm also torn between the then and now.  If I was still living on my own this is how I'd do it, but now I'm home so how does that look.  My physical world is set - my rooms, my clothes, my stuff; it's the mental and emotional aspects that are being reshaped and restructured in this new phase of life. 

I also think of the time I had in high school to make decisions about my future, and how SURE I was of my plan, of what my next steps were going to be.  These are all the things that flow in my subconscious and pop intermittently into my conscious day dreams.  That inner voice asking me, 'Who am I now?  How do I present myself?  What is my next step?  How does that fit into my life plan?  What IS my life plan?'  I feel like I have tipped my world completely upside down - I never thought I would move back to Maine, ever.  And I see more clearly than I have in awhile, that I don't have a step by step plan as I once thought I did.  The one I had last month, which helped draw me home, seems blah and uninspiring now.  

Or perhaps it's not so much that I don't have a plan, as my own expectations and ideas for my life have changed, and thus the steps to attain it.  My definition of success and a fulfilled life have gone through many evolutions these past 9 months, and I'm still settling into those new thoughts and ideals.  I am coming to understand that money and titles don't mean as much as knowing that I have made a difference and a positive contribution to others and the environment.  That I want to give back to the world, and make a direct difference in the lives of others.  I want to help educate people on healthier, more sustainable living.  Saving both ourselves and our environment.  Again and again, these are are the passions I came home to fulfill.  

Yet in times of just awakening, or times of fear of failure, I find myself still battling the ideas of what I think the world expects of me, that I'm letting others perceived expectations of me become my own: prestige, big money making, big titles, managing hotels and businesses, working NOW.  And I realize how tightly I still cling to those familiar ideals when my mind wanders too far into fear. Those overly negative thoughts of, 'Why am I home?  What am I doing with my life?  I should be further along by now.  How am I going to find a job?  I still don't know what I want to do.  I've waited too long to get a job.  I'm a failure.  I need a job NOW!'  Repeat endlessly until I literally tell myself STOP! take a deep breath and remind myself of my passions.  Then I can feel my boy relax and I can breath again.  

I remind myself that I have only been here a week and I DO know what to do, and HAVE been doing it.  I know how to network, how to reach out, and most importantly I remind myself that I DO have talents and skills that can be used pretty much everywhere.  I am loved and supported.  I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, clothes on my back, and a wonderful community of people near and far that love me.  If the world were to end today, I can count myself incredibly blessed.

So, here is to a new beginning in Maine.  It's a mesh of old and new, of found, discovered and rediscovered.  The child who left 9+ years ago is now an adult, and it's an interesting journey to see what life holds next.


 And it's OK not to know ...

Mornings are the Worst

In the past month +, I have had perhaps a handful, or less of mornings in which Anxiety did not jolt me awake.  In which the first few hours of being conscious did not seem like an endless tape of negative thoughts, "whyamihere, whatamigoingtodo, whydidibreakupwithhim, isheok, whycouldntihavespokenupsooner, howamigoingtopayrent, Ineedtogetupandgetgoing, todowhat, whyamihere, howamigoingtopayrent, whatdoiwanttodowithmylife, doiwanttostayinhospitality, ineedtofindajob, whatdoiwanttodo ... and REPEAT and add in more of the same ... or similar thoughts. 

I know why mornings are the worse.  It's the time when you are emotionally bare, when the heart and mind are least veiled and protected, and the heart can speak it's truths to a mind wide open.  It's these morning sessions that have brought me many truths in the past.  Even the ones I didn't want to hear.  The ones I ignored for a long, long time. 

Mornings are hard because it's when we would always text 'good morning' and a few other messages to get our days going.  Just as evenings, just before bed are difficult.  For the same reason, and because I have the anxiety of going to sleep, knowing that morning is coming, on the other side of sleep.  Sleep that is mostly interrupted and fleeting.  

Mornings are also hard, especially now, because I do not have a job to go to.  They were hard when I did have work, but I had a schedule for the day.  Get up, meditate, make breakfast, (no lunch because my appetite was limited, and I had just as limited ambition) shower, get dressed, go to work ... 

So I have decided and implemented scheduling for the day.  Some days are easier than others.  Some mornings I fight my schedule, wondering if I can cancel this or that and just stay in bed.  But I do my best to follow the daily plan.  

Get up, meditate/write/draw/oracle card of the day, walk - weather permitting, breakfast, and hopefully a daily activity such as an appointment, visiting, or outing.  Evenings are Tae Kwon Do or dinner out with friends, or an evening visit, movie, more journaling.  I have some ongoing projects that I work through and these help me feel productive.  My newest activity is job searching ... job discovery.  'What do I want to do with my career' ... this helps calm the 'howamigoingtopayrent' thought process.

Mornings are the worst, but I am tackling each of those heart fears, those Ego fears in every way I can.  Through optimism, reading, writing, drawing, daily activity, and sharing with friends.

It's not so much running away from the feeling, as hearing it, acknowledging it, and trying to work through it the best way I know how.  Alone and with help from others.


Some helpful thoughts:

'We are not meant to live this life alone'  

'Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions'

'Today is your day to let go of things that no longer serve you'