Hello again, Blog. I have neglected you because I have been in turmoil about what to write. I wasn't ready to announce to the world that I was moving home while still in my decision making process. As excited as I was about the movement in my life, the coming home, the support and bonding opportunities it presented (presents), I was also ashamed in some ways, and nervous, fearful about what this life would (will) look like.
What does moving home mean to me? Home. Security. Family. Love. Wisdom. Comfort. Friendships. Time. Lesser expectations. Familiar. Community. Are all these things true? Much like the fearful thoughts that kept me away, "There is no opportunity in Maine. I must make it on my own, without direct help & support." Are these other thoughts about home true? I had to wade through these thoughts and feelings on my own, to come to my decision. And those questions have still been on my mind this past week as I have been settling in and finding a new rhythm.
And as this process unfolds, I find myself noticing new trains of thought. I have been taking note of my mind making comparisons of the old me and present me (not new, because we are always evolving, and THAT is a very mindful, important distinction). Now that I'm home, I'm presented with the mesh of 'old ways of living
here' and the opportunity to create a new way of living and being with
my friends and family. Living with my parents I find myself slipping into my remembered
teenage habits, yet with more adult compassion and responsibility threaded in. I find myself thinking of high school; the way I bounced from Mum's to Dad's, of my old sleeping habits, chores, expectations etc, and the way I looked at the world thinking I had unlimited possibilities and I just wanted to LEAVE and venture out. And then I will go to make dinner, to go see a friend, to hang things on my walls and I will pause and realize I'm
also torn between the then and now. If I was still living on my own this is how I'd do it, but now I'm home so how does that look. My
physical world is set - my rooms, my clothes, my stuff; it's the mental and emotional aspects that are being reshaped and restructured in this new phase of life.
I also think of the time I had in high school to make decisions about my future, and how SURE I was of my plan, of what my next steps were going to be. These are all the things that flow in my subconscious and pop intermittently into my conscious day dreams. That inner voice asking me, 'Who am I now? How do I present myself? What is my next step? How does that fit into my life plan? What IS my life plan?' I feel like I have tipped my world completely upside down - I never thought I would move back to Maine, ever. And I see more clearly than I have in awhile, that I don't have a step by step plan as I once thought I did. The one I had last month, which helped draw me home, seems blah and uninspiring now.
Or perhaps it's not so much that I don't have a plan, as my own expectations and ideas for my life have changed, and thus the steps to attain it. My definition of success and a fulfilled life have gone through many evolutions these past 9 months, and I'm still settling into those new thoughts and ideals. I am coming to understand that money and titles don't mean as much as knowing that I have made a difference and a positive contribution to others and the environment. That I want to give back to the world, and make a direct difference in the lives of others. I want to help educate people on healthier, more sustainable living. Saving both ourselves and our environment. Again and again, these are are the passions I came home to fulfill.
Yet in times of just awakening, or times of fear of failure, I find myself still battling the ideas of what I think the world expects of me, that I'm letting others perceived expectations of me become my own: prestige, big money making, big titles, managing hotels and businesses, working NOW. And I realize how tightly I still cling to those familiar ideals when my mind wanders too far into fear. Those overly negative thoughts of, 'Why am I home? What am I doing with my life? I should be further along by now. How am I going to find a job? I still don't know what I want to do. I've waited too long to get a job. I'm a failure. I need a job NOW!' Repeat endlessly until I literally tell myself STOP! take a deep breath and remind myself of my passions. Then I can feel my boy relax and I can breath again.
I remind myself that I have only been here a week and I DO know what to do, and HAVE been doing it. I know how to network, how to reach out, and most importantly I remind myself that I DO have talents and skills that can be used pretty much everywhere. I am loved and supported. I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, clothes on my back, and a wonderful community of people near and far that love me. If the world were to end today, I can count myself incredibly blessed.
So, here is to a new beginning in Maine. It's a mesh of old and new, of found, discovered and rediscovered. The child who left 9+ years ago is now an adult, and it's an interesting journey to see what life holds next.
And it's OK not to know ...
Showing posts with label expectations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label expectations. Show all posts
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Monday, July 1, 2013
Community
It's been awhile since I have written. It's not for lack of wanting, or even for topics to discuss, but as a cousin once said of her own blog, sometimes there is too much feeling, too much to express through words. Especially those that are made public.
Community
noun, plural com·mu·ni·ties.
It's been on my mind a lot recently. For as long as a month or more. I keep coming back to this concept, this idea. What is community? What is MY definition of community? Does it need to be people always within easy proximity to me? Does the quality and/or quantity of the relationship make a difference, to the number of people in proximity?
Community
noun, plural com·mu·ni·ties.
1. a social group of any size whose members reside in a specific locality, share government, and often have a common cultural and historical heritage.
2. a locality inhabited by such a group.
3. a social, religious, occupational, or other group sharing common characteristics or interests and perceived or perceiving itself as distinct in some respect from the larger society within which it exists (usually preceded by the ): the business community; the community of scholars.
4. a group of associated nations sharing common interests or a common heritage: the community of Western Europe.
5. Ecclesiastical . a group of men or women leading a common life according to a rule.
It's been on my mind a lot recently. For as long as a month or more. I keep coming back to this concept, this idea. What is community? What is MY definition of community? Does it need to be people always within easy proximity to me? Does the quality and/or quantity of the relationship make a difference, to the number of people in proximity?
Is this desire to move 'home', to Maine, a desire for the community of family present? Or is it a fleeing from change, from the transition I am still going through? Because, when I return to my adult life, the one I have made outside of Maine, I realize I DO have a community...
It may not always be close by or readily available according to my perception and need. It may not always be the intimate bond I share with some of my old gold friends. And it's not blood family. But the community I have, the community I am growing, is unique and so in-tune with who I am. As I have grown, and traveled, so too have I amassed an incredible web of friends, colleagues, and my own 'adopted' family.
Friends whom I can call or text at any time, and heaven forbid I don't answer when they reply minutes, hours, or the next day - because they WILL respond to ensure I'm OK. Thank you, by the way, to all of you on my SOS list ;) you know who you are.
Friends I have made in the past few years, roommates, friends of friends slowly filling out my new 'crew.' Colleagues, staff, managers who have become friends, and who have my best interest at heart and randomly check-in to see what is new.
Friends from college, high school, grade school, who still chat and catch up. And the friends, those few crazy friends from the waaaaay back days of gaming, some whom I've met, and some whom I have not, and yet the bond we share is still there and just a message away.
And the new people I am meeting, through classes, workshops, and common interests. Spirituality, TaeKwon Do, Raw Food, Meetup.com.
Community. Connections. Like all things in life, you get what you put in to it. If I were to move back to Maine, I would miss the connections I have made here. I have made these same connections elsewhere, Illinois, Philadelphia, ... SNHU, BHS ... and I hope I will have the chance to make them again, and again, and again.
I guess, what I'm trying to say, is it has taken me awhile to see that I DO have a community here. It may not fit the description and definition I was previously using in my mind. It did not fit my expectation - but I DO have one. I have to remember to USE it, to reach out and touch someone - LOL To use my voice, my words.
Who is your community? How do you connect with others when you are feeling all alone and adrift?
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Values
Value:
1. relative worth, merit, or importance: the value of a college education; the value of a queen in chess.
2. monetary or material worth, as in commerce or trade: This piece of land has greatly increased in value.
3. the worth of something in terms of the amount of other things for which it can be exchanged or in terms of some medium of exchange.
4. equivalent worth or return in money, material, services, etc.: to give value for value received.
- From Dictionary.com
What is my personal value? And what do I value? What are my values in life?
These are the questions I'm struggling with at the moment. The answers are critical to my job search and with the companies at which I interview.
I know I am a valuable employee, manager, co-worker. I bring a great managerial and experiential skill set to the table, coupled with compassion, understanding, a sense of urgency, and a dedication and commitment to success. But how does one put a price tag on that? What I feel is reasonable, may not be to any potential employer.
What do I value outside of money? In all honesty, money is important, we know this. It is the thing, for right or wrong, that society uses to judge us - is s/he successful? Well yes, he's bringing in $70k+ a year, just bought a new house/car/dog, etc. Or is this just in my mind? Am I so out of touch? Do I give in too easily to the voice in my mind that says success is only based on title and salary?
I've been struggling with this debate for a while. Long before I lost my job. I was getting burned out, feeling unappreciated, and yes - in some ways unchallenged (in the end), and ... I hate to admit it, over-compensated. But my life had adjusted to my income, so down sizing felt painful; yet I knew ALL of my friends and family had fulfilling lives, bring in much, much less than I. So I know it's possible.
A part of me has longed for a simple job - or one that is challenging enough, and satisfying. A job in which I can help others, learn, and grow into a better person. A simple(r) life. Time to go outside and enjoy the sun. Time to read a book and be alone. Time to spend with my significant other. Time to FIND my significant other. Time to spend with my family, my parents, who are not going to be here forever. It's just me you know, no brothers or sisters, just me and my crazy clan of parents ;)
So, when I go on interviews, and we get to the money question, I know what I need to survive. I know what I WAS making, and I know there is a HUGE gap in between. Which brings me back to my value as an employee. What is it? WAS I overpaid at my last job? I'm comfortable coming down from that number, but how much?
Yesterday - as horribly sick as I am - I went on my 3rd interview with the same employer, for a new kind of job. A job that will give me time to BE. Accounting/HR at a hotel. I had done a little research, I thought I knew the acceptable range of pay. And was crushed by the number. I took a moment and asked about the rest of the package. Health/Vision/Dental/401k (no match yet), 1 wk vaca after 1 year. 2 wks after 2 years. PTO after 1 year. No negotiating time off.
Done. My last card for this job was taken away - I had hoped to negotiate more time off if the salary wasn't where I needed/wanted it to be. I counter offered on the salary, asking for at LEAST another $4k, which would bring me to my rock bottom range of acceptable income. They agreed to consider and get back to me by Friday. I try to balance this knowledge with the fact that I come into this job with no direct accounting experience, but I DO have HR experience - more than I care to admit. I also come in with 9+ years of extensive Management & Hotel/staff/guest experience And I try to remember, TRY, that I'm leaving a company from which I spent 9+ years, building salary and vacation time.
This job will bring with it new experiences, new marketable skill sets, and could open doors to other avenues. Accounting & HR are fairly universal. It offers a fairly regular Mon-Fri, day shift-ish schedule, with limited to no at home phone calls. No staff reporting directly to me, but with my ability to support ALL staff and managers. Unlimited projects. And the chance to LEARN new things. And, they really do want me on their team. Everyone I spoke to was excited about the possibility of me coming aboard.
So what do I value? The money. The vacation time? The regular schedule. What do I fear? A part of me fears feeling resentment for being undervalued... A part of me is stuck on the 'want' of more vacation time, especially as they might come in on the LOWEST end of my range, or lower, if they cant do the $4k bump. Do I accept what I'm offered, and use this as a stepping stone to the next option? The whole VAC/PTO time thing seems to be a new situation emerging in the market. Companies are giving less and making you wait to use that little bit of time. So will I run into this elsewhere. Will I find another job that offers this unique chance to learn and grow - with a team that seems as friendly, welcoming, and engaging?
What do I value? What will I compromise? Will I have to?
Monday, March 25, 2013
Breaking Free
This past week has been a roller coaster of sorts. I received 'the email' - updating me so kindly to the fact that he has a new lady in his life. This was a sucker punch to the gut at first. Humiliation made its rounds once I could breath again, and then, then came the Anger.
And yet through it all, it wasn't about HIM. It was about the next round of good byes to the dream that wasn't. The dream I see my friends and co-workers partaking in even now. 4 engagements in the past month and a wedding next month. So many people moving on, and he is too. I can't speak to how healthy that is, but to each their own way of progressing.
And I, I am doing OK. For this entire time, we have stayed linked on Facebook. Granted, a dear friend helped preserve my sanity early on by adjusting the settings so nothing would populate in my news feed, but we were still friends. I have struggled with severing the last connections and couldn't understand why. To the very core of my being I knew (know) I made the right choice. The right choice for me. I guess perhaps I had hoped for an understanding, for some way to maintain a connection. But as each day passed, I could see that holding on was like constantly looking back. Even when I wanted to move forward. Letting go of a dream is hard, so very, very hard.
It's so strange to think that just 10 years ago, this would not have been a problem. We live so far apart that the probability of running into each other is slim to none. We share only 1 or 2 friends, and at that we rarely hang out. We don't text or call anymore. 10 years ago, this would have been completely over, a month ago. Technology really does connect us in more ways than we realize. And the habits we create around technology - refresh, update, refresh, update ... lurking. It's insane!
So tonight, I broke free. A moment of slight heart ache and the pressure of tears as the name disappeared and the picture blinked out of the friend chat list. And then - Thank God, Relief!
A refresh of the page and the relief surged again.
I am saying good bye to a set of Dreams, and it still hurts, and I know it will for awhile.
But more Dreams will come, and will fit me and my life better. And the inner knowledge of that is just as bone deep as my decision to leave.
Just as I needed time to mourn (and still do a bit), I am better. I am making peace with my decisions, and understanding where I was coming from, what I was doing, and what will be different next time. It's these steps along that way that help me through the hard times. To know I too, am Breaking Free to explore the next possibilities :)
And yet through it all, it wasn't about HIM. It was about the next round of good byes to the dream that wasn't. The dream I see my friends and co-workers partaking in even now. 4 engagements in the past month and a wedding next month. So many people moving on, and he is too. I can't speak to how healthy that is, but to each their own way of progressing.
And I, I am doing OK. For this entire time, we have stayed linked on Facebook. Granted, a dear friend helped preserve my sanity early on by adjusting the settings so nothing would populate in my news feed, but we were still friends. I have struggled with severing the last connections and couldn't understand why. To the very core of my being I knew (know) I made the right choice. The right choice for me. I guess perhaps I had hoped for an understanding, for some way to maintain a connection. But as each day passed, I could see that holding on was like constantly looking back. Even when I wanted to move forward. Letting go of a dream is hard, so very, very hard.
It's so strange to think that just 10 years ago, this would not have been a problem. We live so far apart that the probability of running into each other is slim to none. We share only 1 or 2 friends, and at that we rarely hang out. We don't text or call anymore. 10 years ago, this would have been completely over, a month ago. Technology really does connect us in more ways than we realize. And the habits we create around technology - refresh, update, refresh, update ... lurking. It's insane!
So tonight, I broke free. A moment of slight heart ache and the pressure of tears as the name disappeared and the picture blinked out of the friend chat list. And then - Thank God, Relief!
A refresh of the page and the relief surged again.
I am saying good bye to a set of Dreams, and it still hurts, and I know it will for awhile.
But more Dreams will come, and will fit me and my life better. And the inner knowledge of that is just as bone deep as my decision to leave.
Just as I needed time to mourn (and still do a bit), I am better. I am making peace with my decisions, and understanding where I was coming from, what I was doing, and what will be different next time. It's these steps along that way that help me through the hard times. To know I too, am Breaking Free to explore the next possibilities :)
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Injuries, Intuition, & Small Victories
**Written March, 1, 2013 while Journaling at Barnes & Noble**
I can bend my knee again!! A week of inflammation, sharp pain, minor relief, then over doing it again in TKD - resulted in hobbling around my apartment and up & down stairs, hoping I wouldn't find myself in a heap at the bottom. I only have insurance for a short time more, and really, 3 flights of stairs with a busted leg or self care with a busted arm is not advisable! And now, after two days of rest, ice, arnica gel, and ibuprofen every 4-6 hours, I have a knee that can mostly bend all the way without pain!! I can stretch! Granted it's still a bit unstable, and twisting/turning is iffy - but I am on the mend! By Tuesday,I hope to return to TKD - while taking it easy in class and continuing with Ibuprofen and ice :) No squats, no lunges, and NO flip Flops!! Tomorrow I start my strengthening exercises provided by my Dr. and Physical therapists from prior flair ups. I WILL strengthen my knee and keep at it so this will happen less frequently!
I will also listen to my intuition more. You know, that quiet voice inside that tells you what to do, when its for the best? That tiny, quiet voice that encourages you to leave earlier than normal, and you miss a horrible crash, or long traffic delay. That quiet voice that tells you to call a friend, you may not have spoken to in years, and you find out you are able to help them with something? That quiet voice that told me to take it easy at the gym, and I ignored it, and a week later my knee is still sore. Yes - instinct/intuition ;) I shall listen to you more often!
Instinct/Intuition - a miraculous gift. Intuition, an inner knowing of what to do, what to say, how to proceed. I have been working through a relationship/grief book these past few weeks - really since I was let go. I have been reviewing all my past relationships, and working to 'complete' the unresolved situations, in a effort to let go, and move on. I am realizing through these reviews that I ignored my intuition MANY times. We all do. There are actually many sections of this book dedicated to intuition! It is my hope that moving forward I will listen and trust more. This is also advised in many of the spirituality books I have read, and are in the process of reading. It's truly a work in progress :)
Which brings me to small victories. I am actively trying to recognize & celebrate every win, large or small in my life. Because it's the small things over time, that help us achieve the larger wins in life. My knee recovery is a small win. Successfully hooking up my Wii and then accessing Netflix on my TV was a big WIN! (Granted, now I must limit myself to how much TV I am watching. 8+ Months without a TV or cable is now being eradicated by endless episodes of Grey's Anatomy!!! LOL). AND!!! So exciting!! Earlier this week some HUGE financial worries were absolved - and I can now breath easier knowing I am more than 'ok' for the coming months :) And that I will be able to continue Tae Kwon Do!!
The anxiety about a job is also waning and I am so very glad about that. I really enjoy this time off - the opportunity it has given me to really work on me and REST. Both my mental health and my spiritual health .. yes and physical (so long as I LISTEN to my body!!) And the opportunity to just BE. But - Those that know me well, know that I cannot be 'mindless' for long. I want to contribute to the community and the world. I like work - I'm a workaholic most of the time (working [no pun intended] on that as well - establishing habits/structures for balance in my life!). This whole 'no job' thing is really starting to bug me a bit.
So, I'm very glad that I'm not feeling as overwhelmed by the job hunt process. A large part of that alleviation is ME re-evaluating my expectations. When I was let go I thought to myself, 'YES! I can finally leave Hospitality!! This is the perfect opportunity!' And - I became overwhelmed by the prospect of finding a job outside the ONLY industry I have EVER worked in. As well as leaving the only company I have worked for in the past 10 years! That's a REALLY, REALLY huge expectation. And I stuck to it so solidly, that I would freeze every time I logged in to look for jobs. And again and again, I found myself searching for hotel jobs ...
So yes - its a great opportunity to have time to explore other options. I'm working through the book, 'What color is your parachute' which helps do a very comprehensive self-evaluation to discover a persons likes, interests, skill sets, and a number of other things (I haven't finished the book yet - lol) from ALL aspects of a persons life. It's helping my pinpoint the parts of jobs that I like, and my own expectations. With this information I hope to find a more fulfilling job. And I have come to realize that it's OK if I get a job in Hospitality. I do not have to stay there forever. I don't have to log another 10 years of my life with one company. I know I have not really liked any of my previous jobs. So maybe it was just the company I did not like. Maybe it was the type of job, or the expectations. Thus, it is with this new information I can hopefully find a job that I LIKE - or even better, one that is Fulfilling!!
And to further the job hunt, I had one meeting already and more set up with my old college professor, an informational interview with a GM in Manchester, a meeting with an adviser at the Career Center down the street, and I am attending a career center seminar (as dictated by Mass. Unemployment). I'm also looking online a few times a week. So the ball is rolling ... yay? LOL
I'm learning a lot of things about myself. Learning that I cause a lot of my own anxiety - from Absolute beliefs, that are not healthy. Old patterns that no longer serve. Patterns that are coming to light - now that I have the time to simply BE with myself - without a job or partner to bury myself in. Small Victories, turning into larger victories :)
I'm learning to Listen. To release my need for ultimate control, as I learn to relax. To think positively, and to be OK with where I am - In ALL aspects of life. I am keeping my eye on the next goal, and learning to bend, not break, as that goal changes. Learning its OK to change the goal. Really, it is. Sometimes what we want, and what we need are very different things. Both help us grow, and I remind myself: It's a journey - with many info posts, challenges, and sights along the way. And REST STOPS!!!
OH!! Another small victory, ok, really a BIG Victory. Master Seo told me when I belt test in a couple weeks - I will jump yellow belt! He's going to give me my Orange Belt. WOO!!
Victories - small and large - Celebrating them all with Gratitude ;)
I can bend my knee again!! A week of inflammation, sharp pain, minor relief, then over doing it again in TKD - resulted in hobbling around my apartment and up & down stairs, hoping I wouldn't find myself in a heap at the bottom. I only have insurance for a short time more, and really, 3 flights of stairs with a busted leg or self care with a busted arm is not advisable! And now, after two days of rest, ice, arnica gel, and ibuprofen every 4-6 hours, I have a knee that can mostly bend all the way without pain!! I can stretch! Granted it's still a bit unstable, and twisting/turning is iffy - but I am on the mend! By Tuesday,I hope to return to TKD - while taking it easy in class and continuing with Ibuprofen and ice :) No squats, no lunges, and NO flip Flops!! Tomorrow I start my strengthening exercises provided by my Dr. and Physical therapists from prior flair ups. I WILL strengthen my knee and keep at it so this will happen less frequently!
I will also listen to my intuition more. You know, that quiet voice inside that tells you what to do, when its for the best? That tiny, quiet voice that encourages you to leave earlier than normal, and you miss a horrible crash, or long traffic delay. That quiet voice that tells you to call a friend, you may not have spoken to in years, and you find out you are able to help them with something? That quiet voice that told me to take it easy at the gym, and I ignored it, and a week later my knee is still sore. Yes - instinct/intuition ;) I shall listen to you more often!
Instinct/Intuition - a miraculous gift. Intuition, an inner knowing of what to do, what to say, how to proceed. I have been working through a relationship/grief book these past few weeks - really since I was let go. I have been reviewing all my past relationships, and working to 'complete' the unresolved situations, in a effort to let go, and move on. I am realizing through these reviews that I ignored my intuition MANY times. We all do. There are actually many sections of this book dedicated to intuition! It is my hope that moving forward I will listen and trust more. This is also advised in many of the spirituality books I have read, and are in the process of reading. It's truly a work in progress :)
Which brings me to small victories. I am actively trying to recognize & celebrate every win, large or small in my life. Because it's the small things over time, that help us achieve the larger wins in life. My knee recovery is a small win. Successfully hooking up my Wii and then accessing Netflix on my TV was a big WIN! (Granted, now I must limit myself to how much TV I am watching. 8+ Months without a TV or cable is now being eradicated by endless episodes of Grey's Anatomy!!! LOL). AND!!! So exciting!! Earlier this week some HUGE financial worries were absolved - and I can now breath easier knowing I am more than 'ok' for the coming months :) And that I will be able to continue Tae Kwon Do!!
The anxiety about a job is also waning and I am so very glad about that. I really enjoy this time off - the opportunity it has given me to really work on me and REST. Both my mental health and my spiritual health .. yes and physical (so long as I LISTEN to my body!!) And the opportunity to just BE. But - Those that know me well, know that I cannot be 'mindless' for long. I want to contribute to the community and the world. I like work - I'm a workaholic most of the time (working [no pun intended] on that as well - establishing habits/structures for balance in my life!). This whole 'no job' thing is really starting to bug me a bit.
So, I'm very glad that I'm not feeling as overwhelmed by the job hunt process. A large part of that alleviation is ME re-evaluating my expectations. When I was let go I thought to myself, 'YES! I can finally leave Hospitality!! This is the perfect opportunity!' And - I became overwhelmed by the prospect of finding a job outside the ONLY industry I have EVER worked in. As well as leaving the only company I have worked for in the past 10 years! That's a REALLY, REALLY huge expectation. And I stuck to it so solidly, that I would freeze every time I logged in to look for jobs. And again and again, I found myself searching for hotel jobs ...
So yes - its a great opportunity to have time to explore other options. I'm working through the book, 'What color is your parachute' which helps do a very comprehensive self-evaluation to discover a persons likes, interests, skill sets, and a number of other things (I haven't finished the book yet - lol) from ALL aspects of a persons life. It's helping my pinpoint the parts of jobs that I like, and my own expectations. With this information I hope to find a more fulfilling job. And I have come to realize that it's OK if I get a job in Hospitality. I do not have to stay there forever. I don't have to log another 10 years of my life with one company. I know I have not really liked any of my previous jobs. So maybe it was just the company I did not like. Maybe it was the type of job, or the expectations. Thus, it is with this new information I can hopefully find a job that I LIKE - or even better, one that is Fulfilling!!
And to further the job hunt, I had one meeting already and more set up with my old college professor, an informational interview with a GM in Manchester, a meeting with an adviser at the Career Center down the street, and I am attending a career center seminar (as dictated by Mass. Unemployment). I'm also looking online a few times a week. So the ball is rolling ... yay? LOL
I'm learning a lot of things about myself. Learning that I cause a lot of my own anxiety - from Absolute beliefs, that are not healthy. Old patterns that no longer serve. Patterns that are coming to light - now that I have the time to simply BE with myself - without a job or partner to bury myself in. Small Victories, turning into larger victories :)
I'm learning to Listen. To release my need for ultimate control, as I learn to relax. To think positively, and to be OK with where I am - In ALL aspects of life. I am keeping my eye on the next goal, and learning to bend, not break, as that goal changes. Learning its OK to change the goal. Really, it is. Sometimes what we want, and what we need are very different things. Both help us grow, and I remind myself: It's a journey - with many info posts, challenges, and sights along the way. And REST STOPS!!!
OH!! Another small victory, ok, really a BIG Victory. Master Seo told me when I belt test in a couple weeks - I will jump yellow belt! He's going to give me my Orange Belt. WOO!!
Victories - small and large - Celebrating them all with Gratitude ;)
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