Community

It's been awhile since I have written.  It's not for lack of wanting, or even for topics to discuss, but as a cousin once said of her own blog, sometimes there is too much feeling, too much to express through words.  Especially those that are made public.

Community
noun, plural com·mu·ni·ties.

1. a social group of any size whose members reside in a specific locality, share government, and often have a common cultural and historical heritage.

2. a locality inhabited by such a group.

3. a social, religious, occupational, or other group sharing common characteristics or interests and perceived or perceiving itself as distinct in some respect from the larger society within which it exists (usually preceded by the  ): the business community; the community of scholars.

4. a group of associated nations sharing common interests or a common heritage: the community of Western Europe.

5. Ecclesiastical . a group of men or women leading a common life according to a rule.

It's been on my mind a lot recently.  For as long as a month or more.  I  keep coming back to this  concept, this idea.  What is community?  What is MY definition of community?  Does it need to be people always within easy proximity to me?  Does the quality and/or quantity of the relationship make a difference, to the number of people in proximity?  

Is this desire to move 'home', to Maine, a desire for the community of family present?  Or is it a fleeing from change, from the transition I am still going through?  Because, when I return to my adult life, the one I have made outside of Maine, I realize I DO have a community...

It may not always be close by or readily available according to my perception and need.  It may not always be the intimate bond I share with some of my old gold friends.  And it's not blood family.  But the community I have, the community I am growing, is unique and so in-tune with who I am.  As I have grown, and traveled, so too have I amassed an incredible web of friends, colleagues, and my own 'adopted' family.  

Friends whom I can call or text at any time, and heaven forbid I don't answer when they reply minutes, hours, or the next day - because they WILL respond to ensure I'm OK.  Thank you, by the way, to all of you on my SOS list ;)  you know who you are. 

Friends I have made in the past few years, roommates, friends of friends  slowly filling out my new 'crew.'  Colleagues, staff, managers who have become friends, and who have my best interest at heart and randomly check-in to see what is new.

Friends from college, high school, grade school, who still chat and catch up.  And the friends, those few crazy friends from the waaaaay back days of gaming, some whom I've met, and some whom I have not, and yet the bond we share is still there and just a message away.  

And the new people I am meeting, through classes, workshops, and common interests.  Spirituality, TaeKwon Do, Raw Food, Meetup.com. 

Community.  Connections.  Like all things in life, you get what you put in to it.  If I were to move back to Maine, I would miss the connections I have made here.  I have made these same connections elsewhere, Illinois, Philadelphia, ... SNHU, BHS ... and I hope I will have the chance to make them again, and again, and again.  

I guess, what I'm trying to say, is it has taken me awhile to see that I DO have a community here.  It may not fit the description and definition I was previously using in my mind.  It did not fit my expectation - but I DO have one.  I have to remember to USE it, to reach out and touch someone - LOL  To use my voice, my words. 

Who is your community?  How do you connect with others when you are feeling all alone and adrift?

Inspiration & Fodder for Tonight's Post

 

Changes in the Heart

My mind has been spinning of late with ideas about value, and money, and my dreams for the future.  Discerning those dreams, the next job, what I want out of life in the next week, month, 3months, 6months, etc.  And finances as always have been on my heart.  To be debt free, and be able to breath more easily, and have money in savings for security. 

And I realize, I also have had this line running through my mind - thanks to my cousin's blog:

"Hello God, what do you have planned for me?" 

I pray (getting better), I meditate (slacking lately), I try to stay positive and find the silver linings.  I believe in God (always).  I may not have the best church & Bible background, but I do have faith.  And I know God has a plan for me.  To use the words of others, because it best describes my situation right now - God has placed some interesting thoughts and ideas on my heart recently.  My job search is being momentarily side lined to get my finances in order, and get on a PLAN, a *gasp* Budget, one that will radically change my life in the short term, to meet some long term debt-free goals.

"Live like no one else, so later you can live like no one else" ~ Dave Ramsey

It's scary to think about, to envision.  But it's also kind of exhilarating to think of the debt going away.  Credit cards are evil.  Student Loans are a way of life.  Other lines of credit, car payments etc - all gone!  And to know that those are gone - is amazing.  My current plan is estimating completion by 2017.  4 years away.  This is a very conservative plan, and it is allowing for some of my current habits to continue: dining out, and a movie at the theater or a new book.  - If I cut these as well, I could potentially speed this up by 6 months or a year.  And this is based on my unemployment income.  When I do go back to work, I can hopefully have this all paid off in 2-2.5 years!!  Or sooner - depending on the intensity. 

This idea has been percolating for a few months now.  Friends told me about the plan last November, and I've been tossing it around ever since.  A new aspect that I didn't think about was the charitable giving aspect.  The book stresses Give, save, spend.  The first line item of every worksheet is Charitable giving. 

I love giving :)  That's not the issue... It's who to give to?  What to give?  How much?  I thank my other Cousin & her husband for her help in discerning where to start.  With what I can gladly and willing give.  No percentage to start - just what I feel free and clear to give.  They gave me a website to look at and will be suggesting a few others soon. 

So, That's where I am today.  My heart & mind are leading me in a new(er) direction, and are helping me organize my life in ways that have been brewing for awhile.

Physically I feel better - not healed, but better.  And emotionally/Mentally - I'm in a much better place.  Thank you to all the friends and family who have talked to me, supported me, and continue offering encouragement and re-lighting the way and the inspiration to keep going, and that yes - it will all work out, and I WILL find a job.   

"Hello God, what do you have planned for me?"   

Time

Time is definitely something of a mystery.  At first, each day seemed like a year, each week a lifetime.  So many life altering steps ocurring in succession.  So many personal break-throughs and steps of personal progress tumbling one after the next.

And then, I'm in a class about the job search process and I'm writing 3.21.13 on my notes.  Its been 2!!! Months.  8 weeks.  Since my life so suddenly changed and I start panicking!  I'm still unemployed!  I've not yet found a job ... I'm still not 100% sure what I want to do ... And I'm not as sad as I once was.

Time.  It's taken time.  I have set-backs on the personal front.  Confusion and more heart ache.  But also healing.  And as I heal there, I can spend more quality time on my job search.  I have re-done my resume again.  I have done market research.  I'm working on my own business cards.  Who knew interviews or informational meetings would feel so awkward without having a card to hand over.

I've visited friends!  I've gone home!  I've spent more time out of my apartment than I ever thought I would have.  And I've spent some quality time closed in as well.  I've started meditating again, really truly just sitting with myself.  Remembering what that care-free feeling actually FEELS like.

And with that I have come to hope.  Hope that the RIGHT job is out there.  That my confidence will STAY with me.  That I DO actually know what the hell I'm talking about and I CAN succeed - without being a self sacrificing work a holic, because really, I don't want that life!  I have found some balance, some interests in this time, and I LIKE them!  And a part of me fears going back to work, because this time off is really rather fun :)  It embarrasses me to say that, but now that I have found things to do during the day, I like the free scheduling and time with friends, and days off just to me.  But I know that's not reality and I must get back to the work force.

This week I have 3 classes, 2 informational interviews, and time spent in the lab finishing my business cards, and I WILL finish at least 1 approach letter.  I don't want just any job.  I want a job I think I will actually WANT to go to.  That is actually a bit harder to find that I originally thought.  I also want a job that pays well, and I'm quickly realizing that I was incredibly compensated at my previous workplace.  Largely due to the fact that I was wonderfully paid in Philly before transferring to Lowell, but still.  The Merrimack Valley does not pay nearly what I thought it would.  I'm prepared to take a pay cut.  I wasn't prepared to consider going back to the salary I started at 9 years ago when I graduated.  So I have had to reconsider quite a few things through my search and interviews ...

So that's where I stand now.  Time has started healing me.  I have taken control of a few things and try my hardest to stay positive.  In classes and at the Career Center in general, I feel inspired and energized.  I try to take that with me as drive home, and try not to lose focus.  So far, home is winning that battle, and my focus goes out the door.  But I have also been working on more than just my job and my healing heart.  My knee is stronger, my back has stopped tingling.  I have fruits and veggies in the fridge.  I'm walking outdoors again.  I have started drinking more water - Let me re-phrase that, I have started drinking water again.  And I try not to think too seriously about the future.  It will come more quickly than I am ready for, and I truly want to experience THIS moment, and love it.

Time.

It's dragging, it's fleeting, it's ticking by second by second, and I can only change how I live it and remember it.