Community

It's been awhile since I have written.  It's not for lack of wanting, or even for topics to discuss, but as a cousin once said of her own blog, sometimes there is too much feeling, too much to express through words.  Especially those that are made public.

Community
noun, plural com·mu·ni·ties.

1. a social group of any size whose members reside in a specific locality, share government, and often have a common cultural and historical heritage.

2. a locality inhabited by such a group.

3. a social, religious, occupational, or other group sharing common characteristics or interests and perceived or perceiving itself as distinct in some respect from the larger society within which it exists (usually preceded by the  ): the business community; the community of scholars.

4. a group of associated nations sharing common interests or a common heritage: the community of Western Europe.

5. Ecclesiastical . a group of men or women leading a common life according to a rule.

It's been on my mind a lot recently.  For as long as a month or more.  I  keep coming back to this  concept, this idea.  What is community?  What is MY definition of community?  Does it need to be people always within easy proximity to me?  Does the quality and/or quantity of the relationship make a difference, to the number of people in proximity?  

Is this desire to move 'home', to Maine, a desire for the community of family present?  Or is it a fleeing from change, from the transition I am still going through?  Because, when I return to my adult life, the one I have made outside of Maine, I realize I DO have a community...

It may not always be close by or readily available according to my perception and need.  It may not always be the intimate bond I share with some of my old gold friends.  And it's not blood family.  But the community I have, the community I am growing, is unique and so in-tune with who I am.  As I have grown, and traveled, so too have I amassed an incredible web of friends, colleagues, and my own 'adopted' family.  

Friends whom I can call or text at any time, and heaven forbid I don't answer when they reply minutes, hours, or the next day - because they WILL respond to ensure I'm OK.  Thank you, by the way, to all of you on my SOS list ;)  you know who you are. 

Friends I have made in the past few years, roommates, friends of friends  slowly filling out my new 'crew.'  Colleagues, staff, managers who have become friends, and who have my best interest at heart and randomly check-in to see what is new.

Friends from college, high school, grade school, who still chat and catch up.  And the friends, those few crazy friends from the waaaaay back days of gaming, some whom I've met, and some whom I have not, and yet the bond we share is still there and just a message away.  

And the new people I am meeting, through classes, workshops, and common interests.  Spirituality, TaeKwon Do, Raw Food, Meetup.com. 

Community.  Connections.  Like all things in life, you get what you put in to it.  If I were to move back to Maine, I would miss the connections I have made here.  I have made these same connections elsewhere, Illinois, Philadelphia, ... SNHU, BHS ... and I hope I will have the chance to make them again, and again, and again.  

I guess, what I'm trying to say, is it has taken me awhile to see that I DO have a community here.  It may not fit the description and definition I was previously using in my mind.  It did not fit my expectation - but I DO have one.  I have to remember to USE it, to reach out and touch someone - LOL  To use my voice, my words. 

Who is your community?  How do you connect with others when you are feeling all alone and adrift?

Inspiration & Fodder for Tonight's Post

 

Following the Spiral Down

Many blogs, articles, and memes have been circulating about the false interconnectedness of people through the internet.  These documents show a potential decrease in ones ability to truly biologically, and psychologically connect with another person.  How our brains slowly stop learning how to read anothers facial expressions, and thus not fully connect with them.

I am feeling that very keenly right now.  9 days of being sick.  Of seeing people in small spurts at the store or Dr.'s office.  I have spoken on the phone, online, but truly, I've not seen people to interact with them.  And it's starting to weigh on me.  I just want to chat in person with someone - visit!!  Go for a walk (while still being able to breath).  Watch a movie in a theater.  I want to be healthy again - but this illness is not allowing me that pleasure.  I feel tired, and worn out and so very, very sore from coughing. 

And confused.  Defeated.  At wits end with the job search.  The interviews all went so well.  The job seems like a great fit for skills I never thought of marketing.  But, starting only with 5 days total of sick and/or PTO?  At more than a 1/3 less than my previous salary.  That hurts and makes me want to cry. 
 
I keep hearing his words, 'You are waiting for everything to be perfect, Tia.  Nothing is ever going to be perfect.  You just have to go with it, and live life.'  

Yet, how do I stop feeling as if I am worth more.  That I know I am worth more.  How do I come to terms with taking steps back.  Are they steps back?  Is it ok?  I feel like I owe my mentors more, that I am to do so much more with my 'potential.'  Am I ok, with having less?  Yes, I'm ok with making less than my previous Salary.  I'm ok with less than my previous 4 weeks of vacation.  I even ok with less than the 12 days of PTO I had banked.  But I think I'm coming to realize my initial goals are 2 weeks of vacation, at least 3-6 PTO/sick days, holidays paid, health/vision/dental, 401k, and you know, with that, I'm actually ok with a hefty pay decrease.  I would prefer just $10-15k less, but I would go a bit lower.  

And a job that offers me a good work life balance - preferably day shift, weekends or at least 1 weekend day off.  No crazy late night phone calls, and a chance to learn more, using the skills I have acquired while adding to them.  Sounds easy right?  Oh, and I would like to start a job healthy.  Yes, to be able to breath and not cough a lung or stomach out would be fabulous. 

So I keep looking.  I keep hunting.  And I hope, HOPE, that I can find my next job.  And that I will be comfortable with it.  That I won't feel as though I'm letting anyone down, and that I can start to discern what I want to do with my lie, AFTER or even while I'm working.  Because right now, I'm feeling a little down, and I'm trying to see the sunlight ...