Following the Spiral Down

Many blogs, articles, and memes have been circulating about the false interconnectedness of people through the internet.  These documents show a potential decrease in ones ability to truly biologically, and psychologically connect with another person.  How our brains slowly stop learning how to read anothers facial expressions, and thus not fully connect with them.

I am feeling that very keenly right now.  9 days of being sick.  Of seeing people in small spurts at the store or Dr.'s office.  I have spoken on the phone, online, but truly, I've not seen people to interact with them.  And it's starting to weigh on me.  I just want to chat in person with someone - visit!!  Go for a walk (while still being able to breath).  Watch a movie in a theater.  I want to be healthy again - but this illness is not allowing me that pleasure.  I feel tired, and worn out and so very, very sore from coughing. 

And confused.  Defeated.  At wits end with the job search.  The interviews all went so well.  The job seems like a great fit for skills I never thought of marketing.  But, starting only with 5 days total of sick and/or PTO?  At more than a 1/3 less than my previous salary.  That hurts and makes me want to cry. 
 
I keep hearing his words, 'You are waiting for everything to be perfect, Tia.  Nothing is ever going to be perfect.  You just have to go with it, and live life.'  

Yet, how do I stop feeling as if I am worth more.  That I know I am worth more.  How do I come to terms with taking steps back.  Are they steps back?  Is it ok?  I feel like I owe my mentors more, that I am to do so much more with my 'potential.'  Am I ok, with having less?  Yes, I'm ok with making less than my previous Salary.  I'm ok with less than my previous 4 weeks of vacation.  I even ok with less than the 12 days of PTO I had banked.  But I think I'm coming to realize my initial goals are 2 weeks of vacation, at least 3-6 PTO/sick days, holidays paid, health/vision/dental, 401k, and you know, with that, I'm actually ok with a hefty pay decrease.  I would prefer just $10-15k less, but I would go a bit lower.  

And a job that offers me a good work life balance - preferably day shift, weekends or at least 1 weekend day off.  No crazy late night phone calls, and a chance to learn more, using the skills I have acquired while adding to them.  Sounds easy right?  Oh, and I would like to start a job healthy.  Yes, to be able to breath and not cough a lung or stomach out would be fabulous. 

So I keep looking.  I keep hunting.  And I hope, HOPE, that I can find my next job.  And that I will be comfortable with it.  That I won't feel as though I'm letting anyone down, and that I can start to discern what I want to do with my lie, AFTER or even while I'm working.  Because right now, I'm feeling a little down, and I'm trying to see the sunlight ...

Values

Value:

1.  relative worth, merit, or importance: the value of a college education; the value of a queen in chess.

2.  monetary or material worth, as in commerce or trade: This piece of land has greatly increased in value.

3.  the worth of something in terms of the amount of other things for which it can be exchanged or in terms of some medium of exchange.

4.  equivalent worth or return in money, material, services, etc.: to give value for value received.

5.  estimated or assigned worth; valuation: a painting with a current value of $500,000.  

- From Dictionary.com

What is my personal value?  And what do I value?  What are my values in life?  

These are the questions I'm struggling with at the moment.  The answers are critical to my job search and with the companies at which I interview.  

I know I am a valuable employee, manager, co-worker.  I bring a great managerial and experiential skill set to the table, coupled with compassion, understanding, a sense of urgency, and a dedication and commitment to success.  But how does one put a price tag on that?  What I feel is reasonable, may not be to any potential employer.

What do I value outside of money?  In all honesty, money is important, we know this.  It is the thing, for right or wrong, that society uses to judge us - is s/he successful?  Well yes, he's bringing in $70k+ a year, just bought a new house/car/dog, etc.  Or is this just in my mind?  Am I so out of touch?  Do I give in too easily to the voice in my mind that says success is only based on title and salary?

I've been struggling with this debate for a while.  Long before I lost my job.  I was getting burned out, feeling unappreciated, and yes - in some ways unchallenged (in the end), and ... I hate to admit it, over-compensated.  But my life had adjusted to my income, so down sizing felt painful; yet I knew ALL of my friends and family had fulfilling lives, bring in much, much less than I.  So I know it's possible.

A part of me has longed for a simple job - or one that is challenging enough, and satisfying.  A job in which I can help others, learn, and grow into a better person.  A simple(r) life.  Time to go outside and enjoy the sun.  Time to read a book and be alone.  Time to spend with my significant other.  Time to FIND my significant other.  Time to spend with my family, my parents, who are not going to be here forever.  It's just me you know, no brothers or sisters, just me and my crazy clan of parents ;)

So, when I go on interviews, and we get to the money question, I know what I need to survive.  I know what I WAS making, and I know there is a HUGE gap in between.  Which brings me back to my value as an employee.  What is it?  WAS I overpaid at my last job?  I'm comfortable coming down from that number, but how much?

Yesterday - as horribly sick as I am - I went on my 3rd interview with the same employer, for a new kind of job.  A job that will give me time to BE.  Accounting/HR at a hotel. I had done a little research, I thought I knew the acceptable range of pay.  And was crushed by the number.  I took a moment and asked about the rest of the package.  Health/Vision/Dental/401k (no match yet), 1 wk vaca after 1 year.  2 wks after 2 years.  PTO after 1 year.  No negotiating time off.  

Done.  My last card for this job was taken away - I had hoped to negotiate more time off if the salary wasn't where I needed/wanted it to be.  I counter offered on the salary, asking for at LEAST another $4k, which would bring me to my rock bottom range of acceptable income.  They agreed to consider and get back to me by Friday.  I try to balance this knowledge with the fact that I come into this job with no direct accounting experience, but I DO have HR experience - more than I care to admit.  I also come in with 9+ years of extensive Management & Hotel/staff/guest experience  And I try to remember, TRY, that I'm leaving a company from which I spent 9+ years, building salary and vacation time.  

This job will bring with it new experiences, new marketable skill sets, and could open doors to other avenues.  Accounting & HR are fairly universal.  It offers a fairly regular Mon-Fri, day shift-ish schedule, with limited to no at home phone calls.  No staff reporting directly to me, but with my ability to support ALL staff and managers.  Unlimited projects.  And the chance to LEARN new things.  And, they really do want me on their team.  Everyone I spoke to was excited about the possibility of me coming aboard.  

So what do I value?  The money.  The vacation time?  The regular schedule.  What do I fear?  A part of me fears feeling resentment for being undervalued...  A part of me is stuck on the 'want' of more vacation time, especially as they might come in on the LOWEST end of my range, or lower, if they cant do the $4k bump.  Do I accept what I'm offered, and use this as a stepping stone to the next option?  The whole VAC/PTO time thing seems to be a new situation emerging in the market.  Companies are giving less and making you wait to use that little bit of time.  So will I run into this elsewhere.  Will I find another job that offers this unique chance to learn and grow - with a team that seems as friendly, welcoming, and engaging?  

What do I value?  What will I compromise?  Will I have to?