Time

Time is definitely something of a mystery.  At first, each day seemed like a year, each week a lifetime.  So many life altering steps ocurring in succession.  So many personal break-throughs and steps of personal progress tumbling one after the next.

And then, I'm in a class about the job search process and I'm writing 3.21.13 on my notes.  Its been 2!!! Months.  8 weeks.  Since my life so suddenly changed and I start panicking!  I'm still unemployed!  I've not yet found a job ... I'm still not 100% sure what I want to do ... And I'm not as sad as I once was.

Time.  It's taken time.  I have set-backs on the personal front.  Confusion and more heart ache.  But also healing.  And as I heal there, I can spend more quality time on my job search.  I have re-done my resume again.  I have done market research.  I'm working on my own business cards.  Who knew interviews or informational meetings would feel so awkward without having a card to hand over.

I've visited friends!  I've gone home!  I've spent more time out of my apartment than I ever thought I would have.  And I've spent some quality time closed in as well.  I've started meditating again, really truly just sitting with myself.  Remembering what that care-free feeling actually FEELS like.

And with that I have come to hope.  Hope that the RIGHT job is out there.  That my confidence will STAY with me.  That I DO actually know what the hell I'm talking about and I CAN succeed - without being a self sacrificing work a holic, because really, I don't want that life!  I have found some balance, some interests in this time, and I LIKE them!  And a part of me fears going back to work, because this time off is really rather fun :)  It embarrasses me to say that, but now that I have found things to do during the day, I like the free scheduling and time with friends, and days off just to me.  But I know that's not reality and I must get back to the work force.

This week I have 3 classes, 2 informational interviews, and time spent in the lab finishing my business cards, and I WILL finish at least 1 approach letter.  I don't want just any job.  I want a job I think I will actually WANT to go to.  That is actually a bit harder to find that I originally thought.  I also want a job that pays well, and I'm quickly realizing that I was incredibly compensated at my previous workplace.  Largely due to the fact that I was wonderfully paid in Philly before transferring to Lowell, but still.  The Merrimack Valley does not pay nearly what I thought it would.  I'm prepared to take a pay cut.  I wasn't prepared to consider going back to the salary I started at 9 years ago when I graduated.  So I have had to reconsider quite a few things through my search and interviews ...

So that's where I stand now.  Time has started healing me.  I have taken control of a few things and try my hardest to stay positive.  In classes and at the Career Center in general, I feel inspired and energized.  I try to take that with me as drive home, and try not to lose focus.  So far, home is winning that battle, and my focus goes out the door.  But I have also been working on more than just my job and my healing heart.  My knee is stronger, my back has stopped tingling.  I have fruits and veggies in the fridge.  I'm walking outdoors again.  I have started drinking more water - Let me re-phrase that, I have started drinking water again.  And I try not to think too seriously about the future.  It will come more quickly than I am ready for, and I truly want to experience THIS moment, and love it.

Time.

It's dragging, it's fleeting, it's ticking by second by second, and I can only change how I live it and remember it.