Home - In all it's varied meanings

Hello again, Blog.  I have neglected you because I have been in turmoil about what to write.  I wasn't ready to announce to the world that I was moving home while still in my decision making process.  As excited as I was about the movement in my life, the coming home, the support and bonding opportunities it presented (presents), I was also ashamed in some ways, and nervous, fearful about what this life would (will) look like.  

What does moving home mean to me?  Home.  Security.  Family.  Love.  Wisdom.  Comfort.  Friendships.  Time.  Lesser expectations.  Familiar.  Community.  Are all these things true?  Much like the fearful thoughts that kept me away, "There is no opportunity in Maine.  I must make it on my own, without direct help & support."  Are these other thoughts about home true?  I had to wade through these thoughts and feelings on my own, to come to my decision.  And those questions have still been on my mind this past week as I have been settling in and finding a new rhythm. 

And as this process unfolds, I find myself noticing new trains of thought.  I have been taking note of my mind making comparisons of the old me and present me (not new, because we are always evolving, and THAT is a very mindful, important distinction).  Now that I'm home, I'm presented with the mesh of 'old ways of living here' and the opportunity to create a new way of living and being with my friends and family.   Living with my parents I find myself slipping into my remembered teenage habits, yet with more adult compassion and responsibility threaded in.  I find myself thinking of high school; the way I bounced from Mum's to Dad's, of my old sleeping habits, chores, expectations etc, and the way I looked at the world thinking I had unlimited possibilities and I just wanted to LEAVE and venture out.  And then I will go to make dinner, to go see a friend, to hang things on my walls and I will pause and realize I'm also torn between the then and now.  If I was still living on my own this is how I'd do it, but now I'm home so how does that look.  My physical world is set - my rooms, my clothes, my stuff; it's the mental and emotional aspects that are being reshaped and restructured in this new phase of life. 

I also think of the time I had in high school to make decisions about my future, and how SURE I was of my plan, of what my next steps were going to be.  These are all the things that flow in my subconscious and pop intermittently into my conscious day dreams.  That inner voice asking me, 'Who am I now?  How do I present myself?  What is my next step?  How does that fit into my life plan?  What IS my life plan?'  I feel like I have tipped my world completely upside down - I never thought I would move back to Maine, ever.  And I see more clearly than I have in awhile, that I don't have a step by step plan as I once thought I did.  The one I had last month, which helped draw me home, seems blah and uninspiring now.  

Or perhaps it's not so much that I don't have a plan, as my own expectations and ideas for my life have changed, and thus the steps to attain it.  My definition of success and a fulfilled life have gone through many evolutions these past 9 months, and I'm still settling into those new thoughts and ideals.  I am coming to understand that money and titles don't mean as much as knowing that I have made a difference and a positive contribution to others and the environment.  That I want to give back to the world, and make a direct difference in the lives of others.  I want to help educate people on healthier, more sustainable living.  Saving both ourselves and our environment.  Again and again, these are are the passions I came home to fulfill.  

Yet in times of just awakening, or times of fear of failure, I find myself still battling the ideas of what I think the world expects of me, that I'm letting others perceived expectations of me become my own: prestige, big money making, big titles, managing hotels and businesses, working NOW.  And I realize how tightly I still cling to those familiar ideals when my mind wanders too far into fear. Those overly negative thoughts of, 'Why am I home?  What am I doing with my life?  I should be further along by now.  How am I going to find a job?  I still don't know what I want to do.  I've waited too long to get a job.  I'm a failure.  I need a job NOW!'  Repeat endlessly until I literally tell myself STOP! take a deep breath and remind myself of my passions.  Then I can feel my boy relax and I can breath again.  

I remind myself that I have only been here a week and I DO know what to do, and HAVE been doing it.  I know how to network, how to reach out, and most importantly I remind myself that I DO have talents and skills that can be used pretty much everywhere.  I am loved and supported.  I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, clothes on my back, and a wonderful community of people near and far that love me.  If the world were to end today, I can count myself incredibly blessed.

So, here is to a new beginning in Maine.  It's a mesh of old and new, of found, discovered and rediscovered.  The child who left 9+ years ago is now an adult, and it's an interesting journey to see what life holds next.


 And it's OK not to know ...