Conversations. Interviewing. Networking. Personal Commercial/Sales Pitch. Stories.
Breathe. Ground Yourself. Enjoy the beauty around you. LISTEN.
Repeat.
This past month plus at home in Maine has been any version of the above. With joy in my heart I have found networking groups, gone out on 1-on-1's with folks, had amazingly insightful conversations, and have enjoyed the connection found when conversing with others. What incredible stories we each have filled with unique experiences and perspectives.
Boston Native with a passion for health. Manager turned Reiki master.
Postman turned Financial advisor. Insurance agent by day, Fire fighter in heart. RN who believes Health care is really Sick Care and is pioneering her own change movement. Entrepreneurs aplenty. TV reporter
visiting Maine 14 years ago, who never left. Chance meetings, scheduled
meetings, stories all around.
I am repeatedly reminded of some recently read articles and even fictional stories that describe typical conversational habits. The parts where we stop listening and instead are eager to jump in with our next thought or immediately find a reference point and follow up with an "I or my" statement about the other person's experience, instead of simply commenting on the point or asking a question to further the other person's story. How it's very typical to have a desire to tell our story, to express ourselves in conversation.
It's a testament to my time off and cultivating self awareness that I have been able recognize myself slipping into this trap of "I & my" and not reciprocating the questions as well. Of thinking more of my response than really listening to the other person. At those times I would stop my mind, (try not to overly criticize myself), and re-devote my attention to the other person. And in those moments, I felt a softening, a gratitude, to be able to connect with another person. I admit, it's still a habit I'm trying to overcome, and I'm thankful for the self-awareness.
It's natural for us as humans to find similarities with others, just as much as we also immediately recognize differences, the mine vs. yours. It's such a joy when a shared point of reference can be expressed. Another thing that joins you to me. I'm finding more and more that when I can relax and listen, that softening becomes more natural and I am able to enjoy the story being told. Our communities are made of such diverse individuals with extraordinary skills, perspectives, journeys, and advice.
It's with a prayer of thanks, and a grateful heart that I reflect on all the serendipitous meetings I have encountered in just 4 weeks home and the opportunities to experience the generosity of others; their time, wisdom, and sneak peeks into the passionate works they provide for others.
These encounters help shape the world I am creating for myself and others, and I look forward to paying it forward every day possible!
Thursday, October 31, 2013
The Joy of ol' Timers
I'm sitting here at the (newly-built to me) Tim Hortons, listening with half an ear to the ol' timers coffee talk at tables around me. Occasionally I'll stop what I'm doing, and find myself gazing around the lobby with a smile. Here are 'my people', here are the ones that make me smile with pride, here are the men and women who have roughed it out, survived and still have a smile on their faces.
And as I come back to the present and really look at the Vetaran with his brand-new, unfitted U.S. Army ball cap, the weather worn farmer with camo hat and thick black rimmed glasses, the sturdy older woman with her Halloween embroidered bright orange sweatshirt, and all those in between, I'm also struck by the many piercing ice-blue eyes that I haven't noticed elsewhere in such abundance. Piercing ice-blue eyes that are so common in my own family, and that I now know I associate with 'Home.'
And thus, I sit here and smile, feeling a sense of connectedness that makes my heart sing. These are truly 'those who came before,' who represent the way things were. And a sense of deja vu washes over me, as I liken this gathering, this rhythm and murmur of speech and smiles, to many conversations at the Farm, barn talks at the fairs, and countless family gatherings - it's the music of my younger years. Steady voices, rarely a voice raised to make a point, no overly boastful tones, just pure down home conversation mingled with low chuckles and many smiling faces.
With that recognition, I get back to work with a lighter, grateful heart and a smile on my face - thankful for this unexpected gift and to be home.
And as I come back to the present and really look at the Vetaran with his brand-new, unfitted U.S. Army ball cap, the weather worn farmer with camo hat and thick black rimmed glasses, the sturdy older woman with her Halloween embroidered bright orange sweatshirt, and all those in between, I'm also struck by the many piercing ice-blue eyes that I haven't noticed elsewhere in such abundance. Piercing ice-blue eyes that are so common in my own family, and that I now know I associate with 'Home.'
And thus, I sit here and smile, feeling a sense of connectedness that makes my heart sing. These are truly 'those who came before,' who represent the way things were. And a sense of deja vu washes over me, as I liken this gathering, this rhythm and murmur of speech and smiles, to many conversations at the Farm, barn talks at the fairs, and countless family gatherings - it's the music of my younger years. Steady voices, rarely a voice raised to make a point, no overly boastful tones, just pure down home conversation mingled with low chuckles and many smiling faces.
With that recognition, I get back to work with a lighter, grateful heart and a smile on my face - thankful for this unexpected gift and to be home.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Home - In all it's varied meanings
Hello again, Blog. I have neglected you because I have been in turmoil about what to write. I wasn't ready to announce to the world that I was moving home while still in my decision making process. As excited as I was about the movement in my life, the coming home, the support and bonding opportunities it presented (presents), I was also ashamed in some ways, and nervous, fearful about what this life would (will) look like.
What does moving home mean to me? Home. Security. Family. Love. Wisdom. Comfort. Friendships. Time. Lesser expectations. Familiar. Community. Are all these things true? Much like the fearful thoughts that kept me away, "There is no opportunity in Maine. I must make it on my own, without direct help & support." Are these other thoughts about home true? I had to wade through these thoughts and feelings on my own, to come to my decision. And those questions have still been on my mind this past week as I have been settling in and finding a new rhythm.
And as this process unfolds, I find myself noticing new trains of thought. I have been taking note of my mind making comparisons of the old me and present me (not new, because we are always evolving, and THAT is a very mindful, important distinction). Now that I'm home, I'm presented with the mesh of 'old ways of living here' and the opportunity to create a new way of living and being with my friends and family. Living with my parents I find myself slipping into my remembered teenage habits, yet with more adult compassion and responsibility threaded in. I find myself thinking of high school; the way I bounced from Mum's to Dad's, of my old sleeping habits, chores, expectations etc, and the way I looked at the world thinking I had unlimited possibilities and I just wanted to LEAVE and venture out. And then I will go to make dinner, to go see a friend, to hang things on my walls and I will pause and realize I'm also torn between the then and now. If I was still living on my own this is how I'd do it, but now I'm home so how does that look. My physical world is set - my rooms, my clothes, my stuff; it's the mental and emotional aspects that are being reshaped and restructured in this new phase of life.
I also think of the time I had in high school to make decisions about my future, and how SURE I was of my plan, of what my next steps were going to be. These are all the things that flow in my subconscious and pop intermittently into my conscious day dreams. That inner voice asking me, 'Who am I now? How do I present myself? What is my next step? How does that fit into my life plan? What IS my life plan?' I feel like I have tipped my world completely upside down - I never thought I would move back to Maine, ever. And I see more clearly than I have in awhile, that I don't have a step by step plan as I once thought I did. The one I had last month, which helped draw me home, seems blah and uninspiring now.
Or perhaps it's not so much that I don't have a plan, as my own expectations and ideas for my life have changed, and thus the steps to attain it. My definition of success and a fulfilled life have gone through many evolutions these past 9 months, and I'm still settling into those new thoughts and ideals. I am coming to understand that money and titles don't mean as much as knowing that I have made a difference and a positive contribution to others and the environment. That I want to give back to the world, and make a direct difference in the lives of others. I want to help educate people on healthier, more sustainable living. Saving both ourselves and our environment. Again and again, these are are the passions I came home to fulfill.
Yet in times of just awakening, or times of fear of failure, I find myself still battling the ideas of what I think the world expects of me, that I'm letting others perceived expectations of me become my own: prestige, big money making, big titles, managing hotels and businesses, working NOW. And I realize how tightly I still cling to those familiar ideals when my mind wanders too far into fear. Those overly negative thoughts of, 'Why am I home? What am I doing with my life? I should be further along by now. How am I going to find a job? I still don't know what I want to do. I've waited too long to get a job. I'm a failure. I need a job NOW!' Repeat endlessly until I literally tell myself STOP! take a deep breath and remind myself of my passions. Then I can feel my boy relax and I can breath again.
I remind myself that I have only been here a week and I DO know what to do, and HAVE been doing it. I know how to network, how to reach out, and most importantly I remind myself that I DO have talents and skills that can be used pretty much everywhere. I am loved and supported. I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, clothes on my back, and a wonderful community of people near and far that love me. If the world were to end today, I can count myself incredibly blessed.
So, here is to a new beginning in Maine. It's a mesh of old and new, of found, discovered and rediscovered. The child who left 9+ years ago is now an adult, and it's an interesting journey to see what life holds next.
And it's OK not to know ...
What does moving home mean to me? Home. Security. Family. Love. Wisdom. Comfort. Friendships. Time. Lesser expectations. Familiar. Community. Are all these things true? Much like the fearful thoughts that kept me away, "There is no opportunity in Maine. I must make it on my own, without direct help & support." Are these other thoughts about home true? I had to wade through these thoughts and feelings on my own, to come to my decision. And those questions have still been on my mind this past week as I have been settling in and finding a new rhythm.
And as this process unfolds, I find myself noticing new trains of thought. I have been taking note of my mind making comparisons of the old me and present me (not new, because we are always evolving, and THAT is a very mindful, important distinction). Now that I'm home, I'm presented with the mesh of 'old ways of living here' and the opportunity to create a new way of living and being with my friends and family. Living with my parents I find myself slipping into my remembered teenage habits, yet with more adult compassion and responsibility threaded in. I find myself thinking of high school; the way I bounced from Mum's to Dad's, of my old sleeping habits, chores, expectations etc, and the way I looked at the world thinking I had unlimited possibilities and I just wanted to LEAVE and venture out. And then I will go to make dinner, to go see a friend, to hang things on my walls and I will pause and realize I'm also torn between the then and now. If I was still living on my own this is how I'd do it, but now I'm home so how does that look. My physical world is set - my rooms, my clothes, my stuff; it's the mental and emotional aspects that are being reshaped and restructured in this new phase of life.
I also think of the time I had in high school to make decisions about my future, and how SURE I was of my plan, of what my next steps were going to be. These are all the things that flow in my subconscious and pop intermittently into my conscious day dreams. That inner voice asking me, 'Who am I now? How do I present myself? What is my next step? How does that fit into my life plan? What IS my life plan?' I feel like I have tipped my world completely upside down - I never thought I would move back to Maine, ever. And I see more clearly than I have in awhile, that I don't have a step by step plan as I once thought I did. The one I had last month, which helped draw me home, seems blah and uninspiring now.
Or perhaps it's not so much that I don't have a plan, as my own expectations and ideas for my life have changed, and thus the steps to attain it. My definition of success and a fulfilled life have gone through many evolutions these past 9 months, and I'm still settling into those new thoughts and ideals. I am coming to understand that money and titles don't mean as much as knowing that I have made a difference and a positive contribution to others and the environment. That I want to give back to the world, and make a direct difference in the lives of others. I want to help educate people on healthier, more sustainable living. Saving both ourselves and our environment. Again and again, these are are the passions I came home to fulfill.
Yet in times of just awakening, or times of fear of failure, I find myself still battling the ideas of what I think the world expects of me, that I'm letting others perceived expectations of me become my own: prestige, big money making, big titles, managing hotels and businesses, working NOW. And I realize how tightly I still cling to those familiar ideals when my mind wanders too far into fear. Those overly negative thoughts of, 'Why am I home? What am I doing with my life? I should be further along by now. How am I going to find a job? I still don't know what I want to do. I've waited too long to get a job. I'm a failure. I need a job NOW!' Repeat endlessly until I literally tell myself STOP! take a deep breath and remind myself of my passions. Then I can feel my boy relax and I can breath again.
I remind myself that I have only been here a week and I DO know what to do, and HAVE been doing it. I know how to network, how to reach out, and most importantly I remind myself that I DO have talents and skills that can be used pretty much everywhere. I am loved and supported. I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, clothes on my back, and a wonderful community of people near and far that love me. If the world were to end today, I can count myself incredibly blessed.
So, here is to a new beginning in Maine. It's a mesh of old and new, of found, discovered and rediscovered. The child who left 9+ years ago is now an adult, and it's an interesting journey to see what life holds next.
And it's OK not to know ...
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Expression: Writing vs. Speaking
I had a hard conversation with a friend last night. I was feeling very angry, overwhelmed, and upset by life in general, and this friend was trying to help me out of that mind set. Now I admit, I WANTED to feel that way. There was a perverse joy in feeling those powerful emotions and I wanted to be in that state for a little while. Yet, I also knew the crash from that angry high would not be pretty. So with some prompting, I started talking, and instantly wanted to bawl my eyes out. And did cry some.
And then when the questioning turned from the 'explain how you are feeling' to the 'well, have you tried to do X in your job search, or what are the parameters you can do Y in ... I got very angry and yelled out in frustration, and went on verbal attack ...
You see Friends, I don't always like talking through the DEEP stuff. I'll give surface answers all day, but when you start to dig deep in conversation, I get very, VERY uncomfortable.
Later in the evening I sent this message to my friend... and I think it explains what I go through fairly well:
And then when the questioning turned from the 'explain how you are feeling' to the 'well, have you tried to do X in your job search, or what are the parameters you can do Y in ... I got very angry and yelled out in frustration, and went on verbal attack ...
You see Friends, I don't always like talking through the DEEP stuff. I'll give surface answers all day, but when you start to dig deep in conversation, I get very, VERY uncomfortable.
Later in the evening I sent this message to my friend... and I think it explains what I go through fairly well:
"It's very uncomfortable
for me to put into spoken words the hard 'truths' of my heart and mind
... I typically end up in tears and hysterically crying. I
am much better at verbally glazing over the tops of it, leaving it to be
interpreted. The digging, the prodding, the admitting to the places I go
in my mind & heart is embarassing
when spoken.
Give
me a journal, a key board, and time, and I can write it all out, in a
more easily digestible 'pretty' package that can make sense of the chaos
and depths of emotion ... and introspection. With
writing I don't have to hear the other person agreeing, or disagreeing,
or asking to have a point clarified. If I wanted to be clearer on it, I
would have done so in the writing .... 😛 In other words, through writing I don't have to hear the critique ...
To
speak about it, to be that vulnerable, is something that scares me
speechless. I admit it's a form of connection I yearn for, but also
scares me. Because what if when someone sees how potentially broken and
screwed up I am? What if they then walk away, or use it against me? Or in some ways, even scarier, what if they get it ?
That compassion is just as likely if not more likely to make me cry and sob ...And yet - I've come to realize, this is one of my challenges. To
honestly open up to others, to set my boundaries in my life, and then to
open up more to people, and let them know me, ME. And to share when I
can, because that is where the truer, more fulfilling connections are
made."
Sunday, August 4, 2013
I Confess
I confess, I have been lurking, reading other blogs, experiencing moments of inspiration. I have started typing about 4 entries over the past month or so, and started many more in my mind - yet each time, it just wasn't what I wanted to say. It starts well, then trails off into drivel.
Some of you know the journey, the experiences I have had in the past 6 months, some of you even know my life journey - those friends and family close to me. Some of you are new to Me, and could only begin to understand. To all of you, I feel I'm coming to a point where I want to share more of what has been incubating these past couple months.
It's no grandiose revelation of world domination, or jet setting to another country (although, travel is on my heart again...) No, its a more inclusive, quiet revealing that has been happening. I have many people to thank for their interest in my life, for their quiet and solid support. From friends and family who know me and know I need time to process and realize the things I'm thinking/saying and who know that eventually it will click and I'll act. For the friends & family who counseled me in worldly, self-experienced ways (Manda, I love you!, Mary L., Auntie Parker, Donna, Mum, Kat, Dad, Richard, Michelle, Lindsey, Emmi, Cherie) and those who shared the love and Word of God (Krystal, Cabrini, Mike, Tracy, Tarsha, Vinnie, Melanie, Shara, Mary, Dee, Arielle) - You were all there for me at some many points! And so many more people than I can possibly mention by name - so please know I mean "YOU!" And you continue to be there in all the big and small ways every day, in every way.
I started this Blog as a means to document my Journey through the loss of a Job and Boy Friend. I had grand ideas about this venture and started well, then it trailed off. I started doubting the relevance of my words, I had wanted it to be inspiration to others. How can something be inspirational when I felt like SHIT. When I had days (still have them) that I just didn't see the point of getting out of bed? That my life seemed to lack meaning or importance? How could I inspire others when I couldn't even inspire myself?
My first entry mentions that as I was driving away from the ICC on that faithful day, I KNEW I would find a job, it was just an internal truth then, and one that I believe even today. But along the way - I lost that truth, that conviction. I didn't realize then just how much I needed to decompress my life. I did not know then, how much my heart needed to release and heal. How much my mind and body needed time to process all that had happened, to release all the accumulated stress. How many false Truths I needed to recognize and see and understand. As I said earlier - It takes me a frustratingly long time (for me and others) to see, recognize, understand, and act on things - I'm a Taurus and highly emotional - I'm learning to accept this about myself ;)
Another aspect to all of this has been the HEART TRUTH that I have something other than (maybe with?) hospitality to do in life. It's this tugging, yearning, bursting purpose teasing at my heart and mind on a regular basis. I felt it in Grade School, in High School, in College... I felt it when I was sick with Mono in IL, when I wanted to FLEE from the job in Philly - some days wishing for an illness to take me out of work for weeks at a time so I could just NOT go to work. And then - I lost it for a few years between Philly and Lowell. It got buried beneath stress and tedium, and a sense of 'this is all my life is ... ' I lost sight of anything, everything but the day to day and the 'what to do this weekend'
Then the days following my lay off, it started to pop up again. I suddenly had this insight, "I can DO ANYTHING with my Life! I'm FREE!!!" I was reminded of the book I read in Philly called 'The Dream Giver' and another book by Lucado, 'Facing Your Giants' and the only book I have bought multiple copies of to give away, 'Sister Freaks' All revolving around facing those hard decisions in life to follow your dreams; trusting God (Creator, Divine, Allah, etc) with Faith that all will be OK and your dreams will come true - sometimes, usually, not even the way you thought they would.
But, what IS it? What IS this purpose? This Drive, this great ball of light that I'm supposed to accomplish? I went a bit OCD about it, from delving, to denial, to running from it. I decided to take the summer 'OFF' to allow myself time to explore things I thought I wanted to do in life. To relax - I even got a TAN!!! In looking back, it's what I needed. I hadn't taken a true vacation in ... ever since starting work at age 16. Trips home are not a vacation when bookended by flights in and out of state and mad dash visiting to everyone I wanted to see. Nor are quick weekends that also include driving 6+hrs in state to see everyone.
During this time (and still now) I avidly avoided anyone asking me, 'Do you have a job yet? Any new leads? What do you want to do? What are you doing for a search?' Honestly, I appreciate your concern & your interest, but when I have something to tell you (like now) I will. It made me (makes me) feel very unproductive and lazy to say, 'I'm taking a break...because I need it!' Although, it did get easier, and still is getting easier to own my action; as ultimately I am responsible for my own success.
And so, I worked on the book, "What Color is Your Parachute?" (I highly recommend it to EVERYONE!), I meditated, I journaled, I shadowed other jobs in Teaching & Banking. I interviewed people, and I prayed. I found myself drawn to God/Divine/Creator. I knew this tugging in my heart meant that I had a purpose in Life - but WHAT is it???? I became obsessed with making the 'RIGHT' choice for my next job - yet I still didn't (don't) know what that is. I feared making the wrong choice. It became a very all or nothing/ Right/Wrong attempt at job hunting - with a belief that if I made the 'wrong' choice, my life purpose would be null and void.
Please Note: DO NOT DO THIS TO YOURSELF!!! Please learn from me here, Do NOT believe that anything in your life has to be ALL or Nothing. It is truly about the journey and eventually every thing you pick up along the way will lend itself to your future. - Thank you Mary L. for the vision of the Quilt ;)
It has taken me a few months to release that fear. To understand (for the uptenth time in my life) that not making a choice is also a choice (Jodi, Vinnie, Manda - LOL yes, I hear you all in my mind). It took a lot of prayer and affirmations, and journaling and talking, to understand, and to release the paralyzing fear of going back to work. It's still a work in progress. I still have mornings, nights, afternoons where I sit and get trapped by racing thoughts and the daunting task of finding a job that I can be happy with, and feel fulfilled in.
I have found myself turning more and more to God/Creator/Divine in prayer and gratitude, meditations, & positive affirmations. I find myself trusting and being thankful for the things I have in my life. Daily I find myself reminded that I am provided for, and loved. It's been an incredible journey of letting go of fear again and again. To sit back and release the expectations of life and of myself to do the 'right' thing. And it's been heart wrenching at times to see some of the 'Truths/beliefs' I held onto so tightly ...
I have come to realize in a very heart wrenching way, that I have always identified myself by my Career. I have made what I do, who I am. That was and is a hard image and mind set to shake. It is one I know I will always gravitate to, but this time away has helped me realize that I am so much more than my job. I have Value outside my paid career. I have FAITH that I am more than my career. And that at the end of the day, and at the end of my life, I have faith that I will have made a positive contribution to the people in my life and to the Earth. That throughout my life, I will be able to affect long-lasting positive change. Some how, some way.
So where does all this bring me to today? A notebook full of personal revelations from the summer; pages outlining some very interesting and not so shocking aspirations; a fantastic Tan, and for the moment some peace and self acceptance! For a VERY long time, I had longed for time to just BE. To explore some interests in my life and time to spend with my family & friends. It was HARD to accept that I was blessed with that opportunity. I feel incredibly guilty even now saying this, because I know everyone of you yearns for similar things. Who am I to get what I asked for? Why me? I still don't know to this day - but I am learning to stop asking, and live with a heart of Gratitude. Because it was not always easy to sit and listen to my heart. It was not easy to sit with uncertainty, and its been hard to be grateful for something that goes against every social norm in our country. But I AM grateful, and through that gratitude, I have Faith that I will find and accept a job, when the time is right.
And for those of you sitting there saying, "Oh yeah so hard to just sleep in, and watch movies, and go to the beach... and Time spent finding yourself " - To you (and that critical judge in my mind) I say, you're right. There was a lot of fun to be had, time for decompressing and for awhile I admit, I really didn't want to go back to work - I dreaded it with paralyzing fear. There was incredible guilt throughout this time too, because I felt I should be working, and job hunting every minute - to be a Productive member of Society.
Then, I said 'To Hell with it!' and I did finally let myself enjoy those beach days, days to sleep in, to have fun, and see my family and know that I had time. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy any of it - because it's been GREAT!
And as for the job Hunt - The clock has (mostly) stopped ticking in my mind. I awake now with the thought, "I need to go to work" - and it is not coming from a place of fear or anxiety (loss of money) - but from a place of heart truth, of being ready to re-enter the work world. And yes, also from a place of boredom - and that driving urge of SELF PURPOSE.
So to the friends and family that told me to enjoy it, and cherish it - That's what I did. And what I still continue to do, as I ramp up again for round 2? 3? 4? of the job hunt. Cherish what I have today - because soon enough I will be back to work ;)
Up Next: Some of those notes I have compiled on 'What I want to be/do when I Grow Up!'
Some of you know the journey, the experiences I have had in the past 6 months, some of you even know my life journey - those friends and family close to me. Some of you are new to Me, and could only begin to understand. To all of you, I feel I'm coming to a point where I want to share more of what has been incubating these past couple months.
It's no grandiose revelation of world domination, or jet setting to another country (although, travel is on my heart again...) No, its a more inclusive, quiet revealing that has been happening. I have many people to thank for their interest in my life, for their quiet and solid support. From friends and family who know me and know I need time to process and realize the things I'm thinking/saying and who know that eventually it will click and I'll act. For the friends & family who counseled me in worldly, self-experienced ways (Manda, I love you!, Mary L., Auntie Parker, Donna, Mum, Kat, Dad, Richard, Michelle, Lindsey, Emmi, Cherie) and those who shared the love and Word of God (Krystal, Cabrini, Mike, Tracy, Tarsha, Vinnie, Melanie, Shara, Mary, Dee, Arielle) - You were all there for me at some many points! And so many more people than I can possibly mention by name - so please know I mean "YOU!" And you continue to be there in all the big and small ways every day, in every way.
I started this Blog as a means to document my Journey through the loss of a Job and Boy Friend. I had grand ideas about this venture and started well, then it trailed off. I started doubting the relevance of my words, I had wanted it to be inspiration to others. How can something be inspirational when I felt like SHIT. When I had days (still have them) that I just didn't see the point of getting out of bed? That my life seemed to lack meaning or importance? How could I inspire others when I couldn't even inspire myself?
My first entry mentions that as I was driving away from the ICC on that faithful day, I KNEW I would find a job, it was just an internal truth then, and one that I believe even today. But along the way - I lost that truth, that conviction. I didn't realize then just how much I needed to decompress my life. I did not know then, how much my heart needed to release and heal. How much my mind and body needed time to process all that had happened, to release all the accumulated stress. How many false Truths I needed to recognize and see and understand. As I said earlier - It takes me a frustratingly long time (for me and others) to see, recognize, understand, and act on things - I'm a Taurus and highly emotional - I'm learning to accept this about myself ;)
Another aspect to all of this has been the HEART TRUTH that I have something other than (maybe with?) hospitality to do in life. It's this tugging, yearning, bursting purpose teasing at my heart and mind on a regular basis. I felt it in Grade School, in High School, in College... I felt it when I was sick with Mono in IL, when I wanted to FLEE from the job in Philly - some days wishing for an illness to take me out of work for weeks at a time so I could just NOT go to work. And then - I lost it for a few years between Philly and Lowell. It got buried beneath stress and tedium, and a sense of 'this is all my life is ... ' I lost sight of anything, everything but the day to day and the 'what to do this weekend'
Then the days following my lay off, it started to pop up again. I suddenly had this insight, "I can DO ANYTHING with my Life! I'm FREE!!!" I was reminded of the book I read in Philly called 'The Dream Giver' and another book by Lucado, 'Facing Your Giants' and the only book I have bought multiple copies of to give away, 'Sister Freaks' All revolving around facing those hard decisions in life to follow your dreams; trusting God (Creator, Divine, Allah, etc) with Faith that all will be OK and your dreams will come true - sometimes, usually, not even the way you thought they would.
But, what IS it? What IS this purpose? This Drive, this great ball of light that I'm supposed to accomplish? I went a bit OCD about it, from delving, to denial, to running from it. I decided to take the summer 'OFF' to allow myself time to explore things I thought I wanted to do in life. To relax - I even got a TAN!!! In looking back, it's what I needed. I hadn't taken a true vacation in ... ever since starting work at age 16. Trips home are not a vacation when bookended by flights in and out of state and mad dash visiting to everyone I wanted to see. Nor are quick weekends that also include driving 6+hrs in state to see everyone.
During this time (and still now) I avidly avoided anyone asking me, 'Do you have a job yet? Any new leads? What do you want to do? What are you doing for a search?' Honestly, I appreciate your concern & your interest, but when I have something to tell you (like now) I will. It made me (makes me) feel very unproductive and lazy to say, 'I'm taking a break...because I need it!' Although, it did get easier, and still is getting easier to own my action; as ultimately I am responsible for my own success.
And so, I worked on the book, "What Color is Your Parachute?" (I highly recommend it to EVERYONE!), I meditated, I journaled, I shadowed other jobs in Teaching & Banking. I interviewed people, and I prayed. I found myself drawn to God/Divine/Creator. I knew this tugging in my heart meant that I had a purpose in Life - but WHAT is it???? I became obsessed with making the 'RIGHT' choice for my next job - yet I still didn't (don't) know what that is. I feared making the wrong choice. It became a very all or nothing/ Right/Wrong attempt at job hunting - with a belief that if I made the 'wrong' choice, my life purpose would be null and void.
Please Note: DO NOT DO THIS TO YOURSELF!!! Please learn from me here, Do NOT believe that anything in your life has to be ALL or Nothing. It is truly about the journey and eventually every thing you pick up along the way will lend itself to your future. - Thank you Mary L. for the vision of the Quilt ;)
It has taken me a few months to release that fear. To understand (for the uptenth time in my life) that not making a choice is also a choice (Jodi, Vinnie, Manda - LOL yes, I hear you all in my mind). It took a lot of prayer and affirmations, and journaling and talking, to understand, and to release the paralyzing fear of going back to work. It's still a work in progress. I still have mornings, nights, afternoons where I sit and get trapped by racing thoughts and the daunting task of finding a job that I can be happy with, and feel fulfilled in.
I have found myself turning more and more to God/Creator/Divine in prayer and gratitude, meditations, & positive affirmations. I find myself trusting and being thankful for the things I have in my life. Daily I find myself reminded that I am provided for, and loved. It's been an incredible journey of letting go of fear again and again. To sit back and release the expectations of life and of myself to do the 'right' thing. And it's been heart wrenching at times to see some of the 'Truths/beliefs' I held onto so tightly ...
I have come to realize in a very heart wrenching way, that I have always identified myself by my Career. I have made what I do, who I am. That was and is a hard image and mind set to shake. It is one I know I will always gravitate to, but this time away has helped me realize that I am so much more than my job. I have Value outside my paid career. I have FAITH that I am more than my career. And that at the end of the day, and at the end of my life, I have faith that I will have made a positive contribution to the people in my life and to the Earth. That throughout my life, I will be able to affect long-lasting positive change. Some how, some way.
So where does all this bring me to today? A notebook full of personal revelations from the summer; pages outlining some very interesting and not so shocking aspirations; a fantastic Tan, and for the moment some peace and self acceptance! For a VERY long time, I had longed for time to just BE. To explore some interests in my life and time to spend with my family & friends. It was HARD to accept that I was blessed with that opportunity. I feel incredibly guilty even now saying this, because I know everyone of you yearns for similar things. Who am I to get what I asked for? Why me? I still don't know to this day - but I am learning to stop asking, and live with a heart of Gratitude. Because it was not always easy to sit and listen to my heart. It was not easy to sit with uncertainty, and its been hard to be grateful for something that goes against every social norm in our country. But I AM grateful, and through that gratitude, I have Faith that I will find and accept a job, when the time is right.
And for those of you sitting there saying, "Oh yeah so hard to just sleep in, and watch movies, and go to the beach... and Time spent finding yourself " - To you (and that critical judge in my mind) I say, you're right. There was a lot of fun to be had, time for decompressing and for awhile I admit, I really didn't want to go back to work - I dreaded it with paralyzing fear. There was incredible guilt throughout this time too, because I felt I should be working, and job hunting every minute - to be a Productive member of Society.
Then, I said 'To Hell with it!' and I did finally let myself enjoy those beach days, days to sleep in, to have fun, and see my family and know that I had time. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy any of it - because it's been GREAT!
And as for the job Hunt - The clock has (mostly) stopped ticking in my mind. I awake now with the thought, "I need to go to work" - and it is not coming from a place of fear or anxiety (loss of money) - but from a place of heart truth, of being ready to re-enter the work world. And yes, also from a place of boredom - and that driving urge of SELF PURPOSE.
So to the friends and family that told me to enjoy it, and cherish it - That's what I did. And what I still continue to do, as I ramp up again for round 2? 3? 4? of the job hunt. Cherish what I have today - because soon enough I will be back to work ;)
Up Next: Some of those notes I have compiled on 'What I want to be/do when I Grow Up!'
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
I Have Enough
A practice in gratitude and self compassion.
I have enough money in my account - Thank you Lord.
I have enough food in my freezer & pantry - Thank you Lord.
I have enough clothes in my closet - Thank you Lord.
I have enough support with in my friends - Thank you Lord.
I have enough love from my family - Thank you Lord.
I have enough STUFF in my house - Thank you Lord.
I have compassion for others, and am learning compassion for myself - Thank you Lord.
I have enough time - to do the work you set out for me - Help me understand and embrace that Lord - you have provided me enough, enough of everything, help me embrace and understand this last bit ... because it seems like a clock is ticking, and yet is stuck at the same time. A paradoxical Limbo that I cannot quit explain or escape from.
I have enough - enough supplies to last me a month or two - or more depending on the item/product. I have enough. I do not need more - unless more is friends, happiness, joyful and peaceful moments. And that is a want, not a need. I have. Yes, oh yes that is the mantra running through my mind, and yet - it seems to slip and slither and wiggle away. It's a thought, a chant, that I am trying to embrace. In a world that focuses on more, more, more, I want to sit and be calm; embracing & understanding what I have. To fully enjoy and know that I have enough. Enough so much that I could/can give away some, and not feel depleted or wanting.
I have, so I can give. I have, so I can provide. Looking around my house, I wonder what I truly need. Looking around at society and friends, and family - How do we each live our lives - How can I live better, more simply? What am I willing and able to part with? And I wonder where is this urging, this wondering coming from. A change in my priorities, in my life style for certain...
I have enough. Thank you Father for putting this in my mind, in my heart. For reminding me that I have all that I need and that I will continually be provided for, that my needs will be met. Not always in the ways I think, but in the ways that best serve me and those around me.
And when I start to relax that grip on my mind, my future, I feel a sense of calm acceptance. I will find what my heart seeks, what I send up in prayer & meditation. The right job will come along.
I have faith.
Taurus - I have. Power of manifestation. It's a bit ironic when it slaps you in the face years later.
I have enough money in my account - Thank you Lord.
I have enough food in my freezer & pantry - Thank you Lord.
I have enough clothes in my closet - Thank you Lord.
I have enough support with in my friends - Thank you Lord.
I have enough love from my family - Thank you Lord.
I have enough STUFF in my house - Thank you Lord.
I have compassion for others, and am learning compassion for myself - Thank you Lord.
I have enough time - to do the work you set out for me - Help me understand and embrace that Lord - you have provided me enough, enough of everything, help me embrace and understand this last bit ... because it seems like a clock is ticking, and yet is stuck at the same time. A paradoxical Limbo that I cannot quit explain or escape from.
I have enough - enough supplies to last me a month or two - or more depending on the item/product. I have enough. I do not need more - unless more is friends, happiness, joyful and peaceful moments. And that is a want, not a need. I have. Yes, oh yes that is the mantra running through my mind, and yet - it seems to slip and slither and wiggle away. It's a thought, a chant, that I am trying to embrace. In a world that focuses on more, more, more, I want to sit and be calm; embracing & understanding what I have. To fully enjoy and know that I have enough. Enough so much that I could/can give away some, and not feel depleted or wanting.
I have, so I can give. I have, so I can provide. Looking around my house, I wonder what I truly need. Looking around at society and friends, and family - How do we each live our lives - How can I live better, more simply? What am I willing and able to part with? And I wonder where is this urging, this wondering coming from. A change in my priorities, in my life style for certain...
I have enough. Thank you Father for putting this in my mind, in my heart. For reminding me that I have all that I need and that I will continually be provided for, that my needs will be met. Not always in the ways I think, but in the ways that best serve me and those around me.
And when I start to relax that grip on my mind, my future, I feel a sense of calm acceptance. I will find what my heart seeks, what I send up in prayer & meditation. The right job will come along.
I have faith.
Taurus - I have. Power of manifestation. It's a bit ironic when it slaps you in the face years later.
Monday, July 1, 2013
Community
It's been awhile since I have written. It's not for lack of wanting, or even for topics to discuss, but as a cousin once said of her own blog, sometimes there is too much feeling, too much to express through words. Especially those that are made public.
Community
noun, plural com·mu·ni·ties.
It's been on my mind a lot recently. For as long as a month or more. I keep coming back to this concept, this idea. What is community? What is MY definition of community? Does it need to be people always within easy proximity to me? Does the quality and/or quantity of the relationship make a difference, to the number of people in proximity?
Community
noun, plural com·mu·ni·ties.
1. a social group of any size whose members reside in a specific locality, share government, and often have a common cultural and historical heritage.
2. a locality inhabited by such a group.
3. a social, religious, occupational, or other group sharing common characteristics or interests and perceived or perceiving itself as distinct in some respect from the larger society within which it exists (usually preceded by the ): the business community; the community of scholars.
4. a group of associated nations sharing common interests or a common heritage: the community of Western Europe.
5. Ecclesiastical . a group of men or women leading a common life according to a rule.
It's been on my mind a lot recently. For as long as a month or more. I keep coming back to this concept, this idea. What is community? What is MY definition of community? Does it need to be people always within easy proximity to me? Does the quality and/or quantity of the relationship make a difference, to the number of people in proximity?
Is this desire to move 'home', to Maine, a desire for the community of family present? Or is it a fleeing from change, from the transition I am still going through? Because, when I return to my adult life, the one I have made outside of Maine, I realize I DO have a community...
It may not always be close by or readily available according to my perception and need. It may not always be the intimate bond I share with some of my old gold friends. And it's not blood family. But the community I have, the community I am growing, is unique and so in-tune with who I am. As I have grown, and traveled, so too have I amassed an incredible web of friends, colleagues, and my own 'adopted' family.
Friends whom I can call or text at any time, and heaven forbid I don't answer when they reply minutes, hours, or the next day - because they WILL respond to ensure I'm OK. Thank you, by the way, to all of you on my SOS list ;) you know who you are.
Friends I have made in the past few years, roommates, friends of friends slowly filling out my new 'crew.' Colleagues, staff, managers who have become friends, and who have my best interest at heart and randomly check-in to see what is new.
Friends from college, high school, grade school, who still chat and catch up. And the friends, those few crazy friends from the waaaaay back days of gaming, some whom I've met, and some whom I have not, and yet the bond we share is still there and just a message away.
And the new people I am meeting, through classes, workshops, and common interests. Spirituality, TaeKwon Do, Raw Food, Meetup.com.
Community. Connections. Like all things in life, you get what you put in to it. If I were to move back to Maine, I would miss the connections I have made here. I have made these same connections elsewhere, Illinois, Philadelphia, ... SNHU, BHS ... and I hope I will have the chance to make them again, and again, and again.
I guess, what I'm trying to say, is it has taken me awhile to see that I DO have a community here. It may not fit the description and definition I was previously using in my mind. It did not fit my expectation - but I DO have one. I have to remember to USE it, to reach out and touch someone - LOL To use my voice, my words.
Who is your community? How do you connect with others when you are feeling all alone and adrift?
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