I Confess

I confess, I have been lurking, reading other blogs, experiencing moments of inspiration.  I have started typing about 4 entries over the past month or so, and started many more in my mind - yet each time, it just wasn't what I wanted to say.  It starts well, then trails off into drivel.  

Some of you know the journey, the experiences I have had in the past 6 months, some of you even know my life journey - those friends and family close to me.  Some of you are new to Me, and could only begin to understand.  To all of you, I feel I'm coming to a point where I want to share more of what has been incubating these past couple months.  

It's no grandiose revelation of world domination, or jet setting to another country (although, travel is on my heart again...) No, its a more inclusive, quiet revealing that has been happening.  I have many people to thank for their interest in my life, for their quiet and solid support.  From friends and family who know me and know I need time to process and realize the things I'm thinking/saying and who know that eventually it will click and I'll act.  For the friends & family who counseled me in worldly, self-experienced ways (Manda, I love you!, Mary L., Auntie Parker, Donna, Mum, Kat, Dad, Richard, Michelle, Lindsey, Emmi, Cherie) and those who shared the love and Word of God (Krystal, Cabrini, Mike, Tracy, Tarsha, Vinnie, Melanie, Shara, Mary, Dee, Arielle) - You were all there for me at some many points!  And so many more people than I can possibly mention by name - so please know I mean "YOU!"  And you continue to be there in all the big and small ways every day, in every way.  

I started this Blog as a means to document my Journey through the loss of a Job and Boy Friend.  I had grand ideas about this venture and started well, then it trailed off.  I started doubting the relevance of my words, I had wanted it to be inspiration to others.  How can something be inspirational when I felt like SHIT.  When I had days (still have them) that I just didn't see the point of getting out of bed?  That my life seemed to lack meaning or importance?  How could I inspire others when I couldn't even inspire myself?  

My first entry mentions that as I was driving away from the ICC on that faithful day, I KNEW I would find a job, it was just an internal truth then, and one that I believe even today.  But along the way - I lost that truth, that conviction.  I didn't realize then just how much I needed to decompress my life.  I did not know then, how much my heart needed to release and heal.  How much my mind and body needed time to process all that had happened, to release all the accumulated stress.  How many false Truths I needed to recognize and see and understand.  As I said earlier - It takes me a frustratingly  long time (for me and others) to see, recognize, understand, and act on things - I'm a Taurus and highly emotional - I'm learning to accept this about myself ;)

Another aspect to all of this has been the HEART TRUTH that I have something other than (maybe with?) hospitality to do in life.  It's this tugging, yearning, bursting purpose teasing at my heart and mind on a regular basis.  I felt it in Grade School, in High School, in College... I felt it when I was sick with Mono in IL, when I wanted to FLEE from the job in Philly - some days wishing for an illness to take me out of work for weeks at a time so I could just NOT go to work.  And then - I lost it for a few years between Philly and Lowell.  It got buried beneath stress and tedium, and a sense of 'this is all my life is ... '  I lost sight of anything, everything but the day to day and the 'what to do this weekend'

Then the days following my lay off, it started to pop up again.  I suddenly had this insight, "I can DO ANYTHING with my Life!  I'm FREE!!!"  I was reminded of the book I read in Philly called 'The Dream Giver' and another book by Lucado, 'Facing Your Giants'  and the only book I have bought multiple copies of to give away, 'Sister Freaks'  All revolving around facing those hard decisions in life to follow your dreams; trusting God (Creator, Divine, Allah, etc) with Faith that all will be OK and your dreams will come true - sometimes, usually, not even the way you thought they would.  

But, what IS it?  What IS this purpose?  This Drive, this great ball of light that I'm supposed to accomplish?  I went a bit OCD about it, from delving, to denial, to running from it.  I decided to take the summer 'OFF' to allow myself time to explore things I thought I wanted to do in life.  To relax - I even got a TAN!!!  In looking back, it's what I needed.  I hadn't taken a true vacation in ... ever since starting work at age 16.  Trips home are not a vacation when bookended by flights in and out of state and mad dash visiting to everyone I wanted to see.  Nor are quick weekends that also include driving 6+hrs in state to see everyone. 
 
During this time (and still now) I avidly avoided anyone asking me, 'Do you have a job yet?  Any new leads?  What do you want to do?  What are you doing for a search?'  Honestly, I appreciate your concern & your interest, but when I have something to tell you (like now) I will.  It made me (makes me) feel very unproductive and lazy to say, 'I'm taking a break...because I need it!'  Although, it did get easier, and still is getting easier to own my action; as ultimately I am responsible for my own success. 

And so, I worked on the book, "What Color is Your Parachute?" (I highly recommend it to EVERYONE!), I meditated, I journaled, I shadowed other jobs in Teaching & Banking.  I interviewed people, and I prayed.  I found myself drawn to God/Divine/Creator.  I knew this tugging in my heart meant that I had a purpose in Life - but WHAT is it????  I became obsessed with making the 'RIGHT' choice for my next job - yet I still didn't (don't) know what that is.  I feared making the wrong choice.  It became a very all or nothing/ Right/Wrong attempt at job hunting - with a belief that if I made the 'wrong' choice, my life purpose would be null and void.  

Please Note:  DO NOT DO THIS TO YOURSELF!!!  Please learn from me here, Do NOT believe that anything in your life has to be ALL or Nothing.  It is truly about the journey and eventually every thing you pick up along the way will lend itself to your future.  - Thank you Mary L. for the vision of the Quilt ;)

It has taken me a few months to release that fear.  To understand (for the uptenth time in my life) that not making a choice is also a choice (Jodi, Vinnie, Manda - LOL yes, I hear you all in my mind).  It took a lot of prayer and affirmations, and journaling and talking, to understand, and to release the paralyzing fear of going back to work.  It's still a work in progress.  I still have mornings, nights, afternoons where I sit and get trapped by racing thoughts and the daunting task of finding a job that I can be happy with, and feel fulfilled in.  

I have found myself turning more and more to God/Creator/Divine in prayer and gratitude, meditations, & positive affirmations.  I find myself trusting and being thankful for the things I have in my life.  Daily I find myself reminded that I am provided for, and loved.  It's been an incredible journey of letting go of fear again and again.  To sit back and release the expectations of life and of myself to do the 'right' thing.  And it's been heart wrenching at times to see some of the 'Truths/beliefs' I held onto so tightly ... 

I have come to realize in a very heart wrenching way, that I have always identified myself by my Career.  I have made what I do, who I am.  That was and is a hard image and mind set to shake.  It is one I know I will always gravitate to, but this time away has helped me realize that I am so much more than my job.  I have Value outside my paid career.  I have FAITH that I am more than my career.  And that at the end of the day, and at the end of my life, I have faith that I will have made a positive contribution to the people in my life and to the Earth.  That throughout my life, I will be able to affect long-lasting positive change.  Some how, some way. 
 
So where does all this bring me to today?  A notebook full of personal revelations from the summer; pages outlining some very interesting and not so shocking aspirations; a fantastic Tan, and for the moment some peace and self acceptance!  For a VERY long time, I had longed for time to just BE.  To explore some interests in my life and time to spend with my family & friends.  It was HARD to accept that I was blessed with that opportunity.  I feel incredibly guilty even now saying this, because I know everyone of you yearns for similar things.  Who am I to get what I asked for?  Why me?  I still don't know to this day - but I am learning to stop asking, and live with a heart of Gratitude.  Because it was not always easy to sit and listen to my heart.  It was not easy to sit with uncertainty, and its been hard to be grateful for something that goes against every social norm in our country.  But I AM grateful, and through that gratitude, I have Faith that I will find and accept a job, when the time is right.  

And for those of you sitting there saying, "Oh yeah so hard to just sleep in, and watch movies, and go to the beach... and Time spent finding yourself "  - To you (and that critical judge in my mind) I say, you're right.  There was a lot of fun to be had, time for decompressing and for awhile I admit, I really didn't want to go back to work - I dreaded it with paralyzing fear.  There was incredible guilt throughout this time too, because I felt I should be working, and job hunting every minute - to be a Productive member of Society.    

Then, I said 'To Hell with it!' and I did finally let myself enjoy those beach days, days to sleep in, to have fun, and see my family and know that I had time.  I'm not saying I didn't enjoy any of it - because it's been GREAT! 

And as for the job Hunt - The clock has (mostly) stopped ticking in my mind.  I awake now with the thought, "I need to go to work" - and it is not coming from a place of fear or anxiety (loss of money)  - but from a place of heart truth, of being ready to re-enter the work world.  And yes, also from a place of boredom - and that driving urge of SELF PURPOSE.  

So to the friends and family that told me to enjoy it, and cherish it - That's what I did.  And what I still continue to do, as I ramp up again for round 2? 3? 4? of the job hunt.  Cherish what I have today - because soon enough I will be back to work ;)


Up Next:  Some of those notes I have compiled on 'What I want to be/do when I Grow Up!'

I Have Enough

A practice in gratitude and self compassion.

I have enough money in my account - Thank you Lord.
I have enough food in my freezer & pantry - Thank you Lord.
I have enough clothes in my closet - Thank you Lord.
I have enough support with in my friends - Thank you Lord.
I have enough love from my family - Thank you Lord.
I have enough STUFF in my house - Thank you Lord.
I have compassion for others, and am learning compassion for myself - Thank you Lord.

I have enough time - to do the work you set out for me - Help me understand and embrace that Lord - you have provided me enough, enough of everything, help me embrace and understand this last bit  ... because it seems like a clock is ticking, and yet is stuck at the same time.  A paradoxical Limbo that I cannot quit explain or escape from.

I have enough - enough supplies to last me a month or two - or more depending on the item/product.  I have enough.  I do not need more - unless more is friends, happiness, joyful and peaceful moments.  And that is a want, not a need.  I have.  Yes, oh yes that is the mantra running through my mind, and yet - it seems to slip and slither and wiggle away.  It's a thought, a chant, that I am trying to embrace.  In a world that focuses on more, more, more, I want to sit and be calm; embracing & understanding what I have.  To fully enjoy and know that I have enough.  Enough so much that I could/can give away some, and not feel depleted or wanting.

I have, so I can give.  I have, so I can provide.  Looking around my house, I wonder what I truly need.  Looking around at society and friends, and family - How do we each live our lives - How can I live better, more simply?  What am I willing and able to part with?  And I wonder where is this urging, this wondering coming from.  A change in my priorities, in my life style for certain...

I have enough.  Thank you Father for putting this in my mind, in my heart.  For reminding me that I have all that I need and that I will continually be provided for, that my needs will be met.  Not always in the ways I think, but in the ways that best serve me and those around me. 

And when I start to relax that grip on my mind, my future, I feel a sense of calm acceptance.  I will find what my heart seeks, what I send up in prayer & meditation.  The right job will come along. 

I have faith. 




Taurus - I have.  Power of manifestation.  It's a bit ironic when it slaps you in the face years later.

Community

It's been awhile since I have written.  It's not for lack of wanting, or even for topics to discuss, but as a cousin once said of her own blog, sometimes there is too much feeling, too much to express through words.  Especially those that are made public.

Community
noun, plural com·mu·ni·ties.

1. a social group of any size whose members reside in a specific locality, share government, and often have a common cultural and historical heritage.

2. a locality inhabited by such a group.

3. a social, religious, occupational, or other group sharing common characteristics or interests and perceived or perceiving itself as distinct in some respect from the larger society within which it exists (usually preceded by the  ): the business community; the community of scholars.

4. a group of associated nations sharing common interests or a common heritage: the community of Western Europe.

5. Ecclesiastical . a group of men or women leading a common life according to a rule.

It's been on my mind a lot recently.  For as long as a month or more.  I  keep coming back to this  concept, this idea.  What is community?  What is MY definition of community?  Does it need to be people always within easy proximity to me?  Does the quality and/or quantity of the relationship make a difference, to the number of people in proximity?  

Is this desire to move 'home', to Maine, a desire for the community of family present?  Or is it a fleeing from change, from the transition I am still going through?  Because, when I return to my adult life, the one I have made outside of Maine, I realize I DO have a community...

It may not always be close by or readily available according to my perception and need.  It may not always be the intimate bond I share with some of my old gold friends.  And it's not blood family.  But the community I have, the community I am growing, is unique and so in-tune with who I am.  As I have grown, and traveled, so too have I amassed an incredible web of friends, colleagues, and my own 'adopted' family.  

Friends whom I can call or text at any time, and heaven forbid I don't answer when they reply minutes, hours, or the next day - because they WILL respond to ensure I'm OK.  Thank you, by the way, to all of you on my SOS list ;)  you know who you are. 

Friends I have made in the past few years, roommates, friends of friends  slowly filling out my new 'crew.'  Colleagues, staff, managers who have become friends, and who have my best interest at heart and randomly check-in to see what is new.

Friends from college, high school, grade school, who still chat and catch up.  And the friends, those few crazy friends from the waaaaay back days of gaming, some whom I've met, and some whom I have not, and yet the bond we share is still there and just a message away.  

And the new people I am meeting, through classes, workshops, and common interests.  Spirituality, TaeKwon Do, Raw Food, Meetup.com. 

Community.  Connections.  Like all things in life, you get what you put in to it.  If I were to move back to Maine, I would miss the connections I have made here.  I have made these same connections elsewhere, Illinois, Philadelphia, ... SNHU, BHS ... and I hope I will have the chance to make them again, and again, and again.  

I guess, what I'm trying to say, is it has taken me awhile to see that I DO have a community here.  It may not fit the description and definition I was previously using in my mind.  It did not fit my expectation - but I DO have one.  I have to remember to USE it, to reach out and touch someone - LOL  To use my voice, my words. 

Who is your community?  How do you connect with others when you are feeling all alone and adrift?

Inspiration & Fodder for Tonight's Post

 

Job Search: Part 2

I feel as though I'm starting all over again.  Going into month 4 of unemployment, and for the last 2-3 weeks, I've been laid out straight with illness!  That 'break' really interrupted the flow I had and now, I'm feeling a bit stuck.   

The days are getting warmer, the trees are budding, and I feel sluggish, losing ambition to go job hunting.  Passing up an opportunity that was not a good fit for me has also set me back a bit.  I hate to admit it, but I like having my days to myself, and for the most part enjoy taking each day as it comes.  But I also know I need to get back to work, doing something society considers productive. 

So, I will give myself the rest of this week to rest and get over the last of the coughing, and dependance on my inhaler, and then next week, I start attacking the job hunt again.  I need to get back into the game before too much more time elapses.  I still feel hope that the right job is out there, I just need to clarify what I want, so I can go get it.  I have even been having dreams that I'm at work, a new place, and am doing well.  Now just to find it in my waking life. 

So that's where I am.  I am grateful for the abundance in my career, and field of interest.  And I am grateful for the abundance of positive relationships in my life :)

Changes in the Heart

My mind has been spinning of late with ideas about value, and money, and my dreams for the future.  Discerning those dreams, the next job, what I want out of life in the next week, month, 3months, 6months, etc.  And finances as always have been on my heart.  To be debt free, and be able to breath more easily, and have money in savings for security. 

And I realize, I also have had this line running through my mind - thanks to my cousin's blog:

"Hello God, what do you have planned for me?" 

I pray (getting better), I meditate (slacking lately), I try to stay positive and find the silver linings.  I believe in God (always).  I may not have the best church & Bible background, but I do have faith.  And I know God has a plan for me.  To use the words of others, because it best describes my situation right now - God has placed some interesting thoughts and ideas on my heart recently.  My job search is being momentarily side lined to get my finances in order, and get on a PLAN, a *gasp* Budget, one that will radically change my life in the short term, to meet some long term debt-free goals.

"Live like no one else, so later you can live like no one else" ~ Dave Ramsey

It's scary to think about, to envision.  But it's also kind of exhilarating to think of the debt going away.  Credit cards are evil.  Student Loans are a way of life.  Other lines of credit, car payments etc - all gone!  And to know that those are gone - is amazing.  My current plan is estimating completion by 2017.  4 years away.  This is a very conservative plan, and it is allowing for some of my current habits to continue: dining out, and a movie at the theater or a new book.  - If I cut these as well, I could potentially speed this up by 6 months or a year.  And this is based on my unemployment income.  When I do go back to work, I can hopefully have this all paid off in 2-2.5 years!!  Or sooner - depending on the intensity. 

This idea has been percolating for a few months now.  Friends told me about the plan last November, and I've been tossing it around ever since.  A new aspect that I didn't think about was the charitable giving aspect.  The book stresses Give, save, spend.  The first line item of every worksheet is Charitable giving. 

I love giving :)  That's not the issue... It's who to give to?  What to give?  How much?  I thank my other Cousin & her husband for her help in discerning where to start.  With what I can gladly and willing give.  No percentage to start - just what I feel free and clear to give.  They gave me a website to look at and will be suggesting a few others soon. 

So, That's where I am today.  My heart & mind are leading me in a new(er) direction, and are helping me organize my life in ways that have been brewing for awhile.

Physically I feel better - not healed, but better.  And emotionally/Mentally - I'm in a much better place.  Thank you to all the friends and family who have talked to me, supported me, and continue offering encouragement and re-lighting the way and the inspiration to keep going, and that yes - it will all work out, and I WILL find a job.   

"Hello God, what do you have planned for me?"   

Following the Spiral Down

Many blogs, articles, and memes have been circulating about the false interconnectedness of people through the internet.  These documents show a potential decrease in ones ability to truly biologically, and psychologically connect with another person.  How our brains slowly stop learning how to read anothers facial expressions, and thus not fully connect with them.

I am feeling that very keenly right now.  9 days of being sick.  Of seeing people in small spurts at the store or Dr.'s office.  I have spoken on the phone, online, but truly, I've not seen people to interact with them.  And it's starting to weigh on me.  I just want to chat in person with someone - visit!!  Go for a walk (while still being able to breath).  Watch a movie in a theater.  I want to be healthy again - but this illness is not allowing me that pleasure.  I feel tired, and worn out and so very, very sore from coughing. 

And confused.  Defeated.  At wits end with the job search.  The interviews all went so well.  The job seems like a great fit for skills I never thought of marketing.  But, starting only with 5 days total of sick and/or PTO?  At more than a 1/3 less than my previous salary.  That hurts and makes me want to cry. 
 
I keep hearing his words, 'You are waiting for everything to be perfect, Tia.  Nothing is ever going to be perfect.  You just have to go with it, and live life.'  

Yet, how do I stop feeling as if I am worth more.  That I know I am worth more.  How do I come to terms with taking steps back.  Are they steps back?  Is it ok?  I feel like I owe my mentors more, that I am to do so much more with my 'potential.'  Am I ok, with having less?  Yes, I'm ok with making less than my previous Salary.  I'm ok with less than my previous 4 weeks of vacation.  I even ok with less than the 12 days of PTO I had banked.  But I think I'm coming to realize my initial goals are 2 weeks of vacation, at least 3-6 PTO/sick days, holidays paid, health/vision/dental, 401k, and you know, with that, I'm actually ok with a hefty pay decrease.  I would prefer just $10-15k less, but I would go a bit lower.  

And a job that offers me a good work life balance - preferably day shift, weekends or at least 1 weekend day off.  No crazy late night phone calls, and a chance to learn more, using the skills I have acquired while adding to them.  Sounds easy right?  Oh, and I would like to start a job healthy.  Yes, to be able to breath and not cough a lung or stomach out would be fabulous. 

So I keep looking.  I keep hunting.  And I hope, HOPE, that I can find my next job.  And that I will be comfortable with it.  That I won't feel as though I'm letting anyone down, and that I can start to discern what I want to do with my lie, AFTER or even while I'm working.  Because right now, I'm feeling a little down, and I'm trying to see the sunlight ...

Values

Value:

1.  relative worth, merit, or importance: the value of a college education; the value of a queen in chess.

2.  monetary or material worth, as in commerce or trade: This piece of land has greatly increased in value.

3.  the worth of something in terms of the amount of other things for which it can be exchanged or in terms of some medium of exchange.

4.  equivalent worth or return in money, material, services, etc.: to give value for value received.

5.  estimated or assigned worth; valuation: a painting with a current value of $500,000.  

- From Dictionary.com

What is my personal value?  And what do I value?  What are my values in life?  

These are the questions I'm struggling with at the moment.  The answers are critical to my job search and with the companies at which I interview.  

I know I am a valuable employee, manager, co-worker.  I bring a great managerial and experiential skill set to the table, coupled with compassion, understanding, a sense of urgency, and a dedication and commitment to success.  But how does one put a price tag on that?  What I feel is reasonable, may not be to any potential employer.

What do I value outside of money?  In all honesty, money is important, we know this.  It is the thing, for right or wrong, that society uses to judge us - is s/he successful?  Well yes, he's bringing in $70k+ a year, just bought a new house/car/dog, etc.  Or is this just in my mind?  Am I so out of touch?  Do I give in too easily to the voice in my mind that says success is only based on title and salary?

I've been struggling with this debate for a while.  Long before I lost my job.  I was getting burned out, feeling unappreciated, and yes - in some ways unchallenged (in the end), and ... I hate to admit it, over-compensated.  But my life had adjusted to my income, so down sizing felt painful; yet I knew ALL of my friends and family had fulfilling lives, bring in much, much less than I.  So I know it's possible.

A part of me has longed for a simple job - or one that is challenging enough, and satisfying.  A job in which I can help others, learn, and grow into a better person.  A simple(r) life.  Time to go outside and enjoy the sun.  Time to read a book and be alone.  Time to spend with my significant other.  Time to FIND my significant other.  Time to spend with my family, my parents, who are not going to be here forever.  It's just me you know, no brothers or sisters, just me and my crazy clan of parents ;)

So, when I go on interviews, and we get to the money question, I know what I need to survive.  I know what I WAS making, and I know there is a HUGE gap in between.  Which brings me back to my value as an employee.  What is it?  WAS I overpaid at my last job?  I'm comfortable coming down from that number, but how much?

Yesterday - as horribly sick as I am - I went on my 3rd interview with the same employer, for a new kind of job.  A job that will give me time to BE.  Accounting/HR at a hotel. I had done a little research, I thought I knew the acceptable range of pay.  And was crushed by the number.  I took a moment and asked about the rest of the package.  Health/Vision/Dental/401k (no match yet), 1 wk vaca after 1 year.  2 wks after 2 years.  PTO after 1 year.  No negotiating time off.  

Done.  My last card for this job was taken away - I had hoped to negotiate more time off if the salary wasn't where I needed/wanted it to be.  I counter offered on the salary, asking for at LEAST another $4k, which would bring me to my rock bottom range of acceptable income.  They agreed to consider and get back to me by Friday.  I try to balance this knowledge with the fact that I come into this job with no direct accounting experience, but I DO have HR experience - more than I care to admit.  I also come in with 9+ years of extensive Management & Hotel/staff/guest experience  And I try to remember, TRY, that I'm leaving a company from which I spent 9+ years, building salary and vacation time.  

This job will bring with it new experiences, new marketable skill sets, and could open doors to other avenues.  Accounting & HR are fairly universal.  It offers a fairly regular Mon-Fri, day shift-ish schedule, with limited to no at home phone calls.  No staff reporting directly to me, but with my ability to support ALL staff and managers.  Unlimited projects.  And the chance to LEARN new things.  And, they really do want me on their team.  Everyone I spoke to was excited about the possibility of me coming aboard.  

So what do I value?  The money.  The vacation time?  The regular schedule.  What do I fear?  A part of me fears feeling resentment for being undervalued...  A part of me is stuck on the 'want' of more vacation time, especially as they might come in on the LOWEST end of my range, or lower, if they cant do the $4k bump.  Do I accept what I'm offered, and use this as a stepping stone to the next option?  The whole VAC/PTO time thing seems to be a new situation emerging in the market.  Companies are giving less and making you wait to use that little bit of time.  So will I run into this elsewhere.  Will I find another job that offers this unique chance to learn and grow - with a team that seems as friendly, welcoming, and engaging?  

What do I value?  What will I compromise?  Will I have to?