The morning dawned cold and clear - a brilliant sunny day, that was at war with how I was feeling inside. Gazing sleepily at the walls, I knew the day would be long, and the anxiety had already started, building as it had for weeks in my chest, fogging my brain. Today was the day I would go to gather my belongings from his house, and would say good bye. Perhaps not forever, but for awhile at least. To let us both heal, if possible, from the emotional hell we were both experiencing. Yes, even as the one to initiate the break, I was (am) hurting.
I arrived at work, keyed up and trying to stay calm inside. It would be a long day, anticipating what I needed to do that night. I remember talking to my housekeeping manager about changing schedules a bit if needed to accommodate my anticipated Tae Kwon Do classes. I had just that morning emailed the Master of the dojang, requesting information. I remember having gone over astrology readings with my Front Desk Supervisor, bewildered by the hind sight accuracy. I remember doing the annoying, time consuming KRONOS trainings, to ensure I was up-to-date with all 10+ of them ...
I remember answering the phone at the Front Desk, feeling my stomach fall, and my heart rate increase when my boss told me she was sending a relief person down so I could go talk to her in the office.
Yes, it was going to be a long day ... but for reasons I never would have guessed that morning. Yes, it was going to be a day filled with anxiety and a full body numbing sensation ... because that was the day I also lost my job, January 23rd, 2013.
I was given a box, my final checks, a request (after asking) to not speak with anyone on my way out. I was polite, I was accommodating, I was hyperventilating for real and in my mind. And yet, was also filled with a strange peace.
I have told this story numerous times now. I left my workplace of 3+ (almost 4) years, my company of over 8 years, the ONLY company of my adult career - with a feeling of hope. A feeling, a belief, that this was a clean slate, a hope and knowing that I would find a new job quickly, and all would be well. Following the river home, the sun shining - leading me along, the light twinkling off the water to my right, I was talking on my head set with family and friends, and I was filled with hope. A hope and a disbelief; I now know it was a state of shock. Yet, still a hope that has carried me along these past few weeks, and yet flees me from time to time.
In those times, dark thoughts and feelings of loss, and being lost and alone fill my mind, and encroach on my heart. When that happens, I hear the words of strength, given to me by my cousin, who has endured more than her share of grief,
"We are not meant to live this life alone" - meaning reach out for help and support
"Let yourself Cry, feel those raw emotions, feel them and heal ..."
and most importantly for me, "why do you need to be strong. We are strong for others, not ourselves ..."
With those thoughts, and the help, support, love, encouragement, and wisdom of friends and family I have been grieving the death of 2 very important parts of my life. My relationship, and my career/job.
I have been given a gift, a new start. A clean slate. And I am working through it. This blog is my Journey, in Progress. For there is no true start, or beginning, or ending. It's a journey, and I hope I can find clarity through my writing and perhaps offer hope and inspiration to others. I foresee a few back to back entries, discussing a few of the insights I have had already. And then I shall write when the inspiration takes me.
It's a journey, and one I hope you will join me on for even a little while.
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