Mornings are the Worst

In the past month +, I have had perhaps a handful, or less of mornings in which Anxiety did not jolt me awake.  In which the first few hours of being conscious did not seem like an endless tape of negative thoughts, "whyamihere, whatamigoingtodo, whydidibreakupwithhim, isheok, whycouldntihavespokenupsooner, howamigoingtopayrent, Ineedtogetupandgetgoing, todowhat, whyamihere, howamigoingtopayrent, whatdoiwanttodowithmylife, doiwanttostayinhospitality, ineedtofindajob, whatdoiwanttodo ... and REPEAT and add in more of the same ... or similar thoughts. 

I know why mornings are the worse.  It's the time when you are emotionally bare, when the heart and mind are least veiled and protected, and the heart can speak it's truths to a mind wide open.  It's these morning sessions that have brought me many truths in the past.  Even the ones I didn't want to hear.  The ones I ignored for a long, long time. 

Mornings are hard because it's when we would always text 'good morning' and a few other messages to get our days going.  Just as evenings, just before bed are difficult.  For the same reason, and because I have the anxiety of going to sleep, knowing that morning is coming, on the other side of sleep.  Sleep that is mostly interrupted and fleeting.  

Mornings are also hard, especially now, because I do not have a job to go to.  They were hard when I did have work, but I had a schedule for the day.  Get up, meditate, make breakfast, (no lunch because my appetite was limited, and I had just as limited ambition) shower, get dressed, go to work ... 

So I have decided and implemented scheduling for the day.  Some days are easier than others.  Some mornings I fight my schedule, wondering if I can cancel this or that and just stay in bed.  But I do my best to follow the daily plan.  

Get up, meditate/write/draw/oracle card of the day, walk - weather permitting, breakfast, and hopefully a daily activity such as an appointment, visiting, or outing.  Evenings are Tae Kwon Do or dinner out with friends, or an evening visit, movie, more journaling.  I have some ongoing projects that I work through and these help me feel productive.  My newest activity is job searching ... job discovery.  'What do I want to do with my career' ... this helps calm the 'howamigoingtopayrent' thought process.

Mornings are the worst, but I am tackling each of those heart fears, those Ego fears in every way I can.  Through optimism, reading, writing, drawing, daily activity, and sharing with friends.

It's not so much running away from the feeling, as hearing it, acknowledging it, and trying to work through it the best way I know how.  Alone and with help from others.


Some helpful thoughts:

'We are not meant to live this life alone'  

'Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions'

'Today is your day to let go of things that no longer serve you'