Saturday, February 23, 2013

A picture is worth a thousand words (and memories)

I sync'd my iPhone to my computer tonight and updated my music selection.  Which lead me to see that I only had .5GB of space left.  I figured it was time to clean up my photos.  3.4GB is quite a few ...

So many memories from the beginning of my relationship through present.  I realize now that I have been pushing down the good times, and remembering mostly the bad.  Going through the photos and sorting them into files (because I'm a bit neurotic that way) and then deleting them (no, not all, not yet) from my phone brought flashbacks of ALL our times together.  Seeing my smiling face, OUR smiling faces - made me remember the good times, the happy, bliss filled moments, the hopes & dreams of our future.  The reason(s) I wanted us to work for so very long.  The reason(s) why I could ignore that little voice and push it away.  We did have MANY good times, and I have the photo story book to prove it.  

And yet, even with the positive, happy memories came the slow crawling shadow of doubt, about 3 minutes behind that warm rush.  Presently, the little voice colored over some of those moments and with that, I know the balance is coming.  The ability to look at the past and smile and be thankful for what we had.  I know it will take time and I know for now I will look at the pictures and sometimes, I'll forget that I broke it off; For a moment, like tonight, I will be back in time and feel my own happiness.  Then, I will look up, see my surroundings, and know I am moving on.  

It has been a roller coaster, and I am glad I went through the pictures.  I'm glad I felt the emotions, and could recognize them for what they are, and what they represent to me.  I didn't dig too deeply.  I'm working on (and through) that elsewhere.  Right now, I just wanted to make space, save the pictures, and take another step towards closure and the future.  It makes me feel slightly guilty, but I know it's all part of the process.  

And - I cleaned up 1.4GB of space in my iPhone picture stash!  It's all about the small steps right?  And being present, in the moment.  Right here, right now.

"If you're depressed, you're living in the past. 
If you're anxious, you're living in the future. 
If you're at peace, you're living in the present." 

-Lao Tzu  

Friday, February 22, 2013

Reflection

I saw myself for the first time today.  The strong, confident, manager.  Sophisticated and put together.  The person with that successful edge.

I felt it as I saw it.  A glimpse of me, un-posing in a Barnes & Noble restroom mirror.  I recognized myself!

The pieces are starting to come back together, forming a familiar, yet changed picture of myself.  The cocoon is starting to break and the next evolution of myself is slowly peeking through.

I saw myself today and felt comfortable in what I saw.  I smiled.

I'm right here and that makes me cry for joy!!

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Fresh Falling Snow

Yesterday I sat looking out the window and was entranced with the beauty of fresh falling snow.  The big, soft snowflakes, drifting down, coating trees, cars, and ground alike.  A vision from a fairy tale.  I smiled at the beauty and wished I could capture it, to remind me that after each storm, each hardship in life, there is beauty to be seen.  It reminded me of blessings and fresh starts.  Of a new white canvas to draw upon.  

I have done some soul searching of late and just this morning read the following passage which resonated so strongly with me, I laughed softly to myself. 

"... We tend to manage our lives intellectually, keeping ourselves busy with mostly superficial matters, while underneath we often feel bored, restless, somewhat lost, and frequently ungrounded - as if we aren't really in our bodies.  This is why we keep ourselves busy.  It's a way to distract ourselves, at least temporarily, from experiencing the unpleasant inner anxiety that haunts us.  

Most of us experience some degree of this spiritually unconscious phase at one time or another ... but it usually comes to an abrupt end with some sort of highly unexpected or hugely upsetting crisis, such as being in an accident, developing an illness, losing a loved one, or feeling rejected by someone we love.  It can also result from an anticipated end of a cycle or circumstance - for example, losing a job, graduating from college, leaving a marriage or long-term relationship...  

Once we begin to awaken our Spirit, we sense possibilities in life that we weren't aware of before and want to find out what they are.  As if waking up from an endless dream, we start to look at the world with fresh eyes and a new found sense of curiosity.  [...] You've progressed to the point where the things you've held on to as false security blankets no longer serve you; and you're ready to let go of limited relationships, ideas, and beliefs so that you can be introduced to new, more empowering ones.  [...] ... I've worked with thousands of people over the past 35 years who have shared these types of experiences with me, and I often ask if they were genuinely surprised when their awakening began.  Almost everyone I've spoken to said something like: 'On the surface yes, ... but deep down, no, I wasn't surprised.  I even felt it coming.  I just didn't know when or how.'  [...]  Once Spirit taps you on the shoulder, you're compelled to sit up, pay attention, and listen.  Like waking up during a restless night, you simply can't go back to sleep."   - Sonia Choquette, "The Power of your Spirit" (pgs 7-10)

I laughed, because this very awakening has happened in various ways over the past 10 years.  This most recent time, when I 'woke up' and realized my relationship was not what I wanted, it was very much like not being able to fall back to sleep.  It was such a soul deep knowing, I could not refuse it.  3 days of pure anxiety as my mind and body processed what my heart and soul knew was the truth.  Hindsight is so very 20/20.  In quiet moments of justbeforesleep, moments of time, memories would replay themselves, solidifying my decision.  In moments of half sleep during the night, my mind would string together fragments of conversations and snapshot memories, showing me, helping me understand WHY I was making this decision.  God, and my angels, were helping me process MY TRUTH.  My authenticity.  Showing me how to be true to myself.  Giving me the strength to '... disappoint another to be true to myself' (Oriah Mountain Dreamer, The Invitation).

I questioned how to say it, how to phrase it.  How does one tell a lover, a partner, you future husband (as we had talked about and were planning) - You are not for me?  You are not the right person for me ... and these are the reasons why...  and then not know how to put into words all the small and big reasons.  I found my way.  Through prayer, and writing, and meditating, and just winging it at times.  I found my way to say the hard truths, and the knowing, that THIS IS NOT FOR ME.  With the constant reminder of, "Can you disappoint another, to be true to yourself."  

My entire life I have avoided the possibility of disappointing another, of hurting another person, because it would hurt me, and I would feel bad letting someone else down.  Even when it wasn't what I wanted to do, even when it made me unhappy, I gave to others.  That one line has been on my mind for years, circling, repeating, and finally it made sense.  I knew what it was saying.  Can I be true to myself, even if it disappoints another - because I MATTER.  I deserve to stand up for myself, and be true to ME.  If I am not true to ME, then how can I be true to another person?

It was a hard lesson.  And one I am still working through.  I learned the lesson, much like you learn equations in math class.  Now, how do I apply it?  

Well, a few days ago I was given an opportunity to practice a form of this lesson.  I had a hard truth to share with a friend.  Something that had occurred years ago that I had carried with me ... a hard stone of guilt in my stomach.  I knew that I could no longer hold onto this, and have what I wanted - an authentic friendship for either of us.  I prayed, I meditated, I prayed some more, and shared the news.  It was scarey and wonderful at the same time.  I knew that it could go either way, and I was prepared to accept an ending.  Instead I was given an opportunity to move on with grace and blessed with continued friendship.  Time had been able to heal some of the harsh wounds and I am blessed with a forgiving friend. 

So as I look outside today, and see the raging wind and storm tossed snow - I remember yesterday, and the peaceful beauty that fell gracefully from the sky.  I know that each day will present its own version of beauty and turmoil, and that in the end, the landscape will be ready for a new adventure, a new painting.  

My Spirit is awakening to a new level.  One that I am excited to explore.  One that no longer allows me to hold onto relationships or jobs that no longer serve me.  And that encourages me to resolve past issues, so I can continue my journey with a stronger sense of authenticity (and better Karma!).  

I will stumble, I will fall, I will still make mistakes - we are human!  I Am Human.  But I know that I have a better base, and a better sense of myself and a wonderful inner compass I am continuing to learn and refine. 

I look forward to more mornings filled with Fresh Falling Snow ... 


 

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Tears, Hope, & Compassion

Tender
Explosive
Abrasive
Restorative
Soothing

 Tears:  noun
1.
a drop of the saline, watery fluid continually secreted by the lacrimal glands between the surface of the eye and the eyelid, serving to moisten and lubricate these parts and keep them clear of foreign particles. teardrop.
2.
this fluid appearing in or flowing from the eye as the result of emotion, especially grief: to shed tears.

Tears.  Crying.  So easy and natural for some, not quite so for me.  I do not know exactly how or where I got the idea, the 'tape', the message, that I should not cry.  That crying won't solve anything, that I don't deserve to cry - because really, is my life so bad?  Really, are you going to cry about this?  Others have it so much worse, why are you crying?  Look at all the good in your life, you don't need to cry about this.  Suck it up, and get over it, look at the bright side ... (what ever it may be for the situation, and there was always something bright to find, if I looked hard enough) - this doesn't deserve tears!

 ... and so, I would swallow the tears, the emotionI would put on the happy face, TRY to breath, and move along with my day, night, life.  And thus, having shoved down yet another round of intense emotion to add to the growing, compacted pile, I would carry on. 

That is until recently.  Perhaps within the past 2 weeks.  I have allowed myself to start crying.  The bouts don't last long, but are exhausting none the less.  Great chest wracking, hyperventilating sobs that are releasing the pent up STUFF.  Then I quiet down, and can breath and feel ... EXHAUSTED.  But oh so much better.  Releasing the emotion is wonderful  WHY didn't I do this before?  Because it was a sign of weakness?  Because I felt I needed to carry all that emotion, ALL THE TIME?!  Because I needed to be strong, and PROVE I could 'carry on.'  Prove it to who???  Oh, that's right, all of you ... and me.  Perhaps one day I will figure it out (and really, if I don't find out the reason, but can stop the pattern, that's ok!), but for now, I'm allowing myself to cry, when I can.  When the sensation hits me.  And I know a lot of it is not coming from just these most recent events, but from all the other times I pushed down a fear, a sadness, a personal injustice  It's the compounded effect of years of emotions tied together, which is why I think its so utterly, wonderfully, exhausting.

No, that is not sarcasm - I welcome the exhaustion.  Holding onto all that emotion kept me restless, filled with anxiety and all sorts of insomnia.  Restless, sleepless nights; waking with racing thoughts.  To feel a moment, or a couple hours of pure, worn out exhaustion is - oddly, welcomed.  The healing sleep that comes after is restorative.  Its brief, and good.  
Which all gives me HOPE.  Hope for a brighter tomorrowI can see glimmers here and there, that each one is a bit better.  I can feel myself healing a little bit.  And I thank each of my friends and family members for their support and compassion.  Compassion which also brings tears to my eyes, and sometimes sets off the quiet, streaming down the cheeks, loving, healing kind.  The kind that twists and tugs at my tender, hurting heart.  And, I step back and realize, compassion has always made me cry.  To know and feel another's love is a very special, heart tugging experience.  A friend once told me that tears of compassion are a gift.  I had shared that I often cry when I actually do get to church, and was wondering what it meant.  She said it was a gift, a way to recognize love ... I have held onto that little conversation, and I think I have begun to understand it.  

Just as much as the absence of love can hurt; the presence of love also heals.  Self love, understanding, compassion, unexpected gestures, a hug, a knowing/understanding look - all these and more, are love.  It doesn't have to be fireworks and lightening strikes.  It can be appreciating the thoughtfulness of another, a moment of understanding, a glimpse of peace during meditation.  These are love, compassion, HOPE.  Tears of healing, of love.  Expressing themselves just as the hurt also comes out. 

And today's thought is:  'Do the best you can until you know better.  Then when you know better, do better.'  - Maya Angelou
 
  
 

Monday, February 11, 2013

Mornings are the Worst

In the past month +, I have had perhaps a handful, or less of mornings in which Anxiety did not jolt me awake.  In which the first few hours of being conscious did not seem like an endless tape of negative thoughts, "whyamihere, whatamigoingtodo, whydidibreakupwithhim, isheok, whycouldntihavespokenupsooner, howamigoingtopayrent, Ineedtogetupandgetgoing, todowhat, whyamihere, howamigoingtopayrent, whatdoiwanttodowithmylife, doiwanttostayinhospitality, ineedtofindajob, whatdoiwanttodo ... and REPEAT and add in more of the same ... or similar thoughts. 

I know why mornings are the worse.  It's the time when you are emotionally bare, when the heart and mind are least veiled and protected, and the heart can speak it's truths to a mind wide open.  It's these morning sessions that have brought me many truths in the past.  Even the ones I didn't want to hear.  The ones I ignored for a long, long time. 

Mornings are hard because it's when we would always text 'good morning' and a few other messages to get our days going.  Just as evenings, just before bed are difficult.  For the same reason, and because I have the anxiety of going to sleep, knowing that morning is coming, on the other side of sleep.  Sleep that is mostly interrupted and fleeting.  

Mornings are also hard, especially now, because I do not have a job to go to.  They were hard when I did have work, but I had a schedule for the day.  Get up, meditate, make breakfast, (no lunch because my appetite was limited, and I had just as limited ambition) shower, get dressed, go to work ... 

So I have decided and implemented scheduling for the day.  Some days are easier than others.  Some mornings I fight my schedule, wondering if I can cancel this or that and just stay in bed.  But I do my best to follow the daily plan.  

Get up, meditate/write/draw/oracle card of the day, walk - weather permitting, breakfast, and hopefully a daily activity such as an appointment, visiting, or outing.  Evenings are Tae Kwon Do or dinner out with friends, or an evening visit, movie, more journaling.  I have some ongoing projects that I work through and these help me feel productive.  My newest activity is job searching ... job discovery.  'What do I want to do with my career' ... this helps calm the 'howamigoingtopayrent' thought process.

Mornings are the worst, but I am tackling each of those heart fears, those Ego fears in every way I can.  Through optimism, reading, writing, drawing, daily activity, and sharing with friends.

It's not so much running away from the feeling, as hearing it, acknowledging it, and trying to work through it the best way I know how.  Alone and with help from others.


Some helpful thoughts:

'We are not meant to live this life alone'  

'Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions'

'Today is your day to let go of things that no longer serve you'


The Beginning is not always the Start

The morning dawned cold and clear - a brilliant sunny day, that was at war with how I was feeling inside.  Gazing sleepily at the walls, I knew the day would be long, and the anxiety had already started, building as it had for weeks in my chest, fogging my brain.  Today was the day I would go to gather my belongings from his house, and would say good bye.  Perhaps not forever, but for awhile at least.  To let us both heal, if possible, from the emotional hell we were both experiencing.  Yes, even as the one to initiate the break, I was (am) hurting.

I arrived at work, keyed up and trying to stay calm inside.  It would be a long day, anticipating what I needed to do that night.  I remember talking to my housekeeping manager about changing schedules a bit if needed to accommodate my anticipated Tae Kwon Do classes.  I had just that morning emailed the Master of the dojang, requesting information.  I remember having gone over astrology readings with my Front Desk Supervisor, bewildered by the hind sight accuracy.  I remember doing the annoying, time consuming KRONOS trainings, to ensure I was up-to-date with all 10+ of them ...

I remember answering the phone at the Front Desk, feeling my stomach fall, and my heart rate increase when my boss told me she was sending a relief person down so I could go talk to her in the office.

Yes, it was going to be a long day ... but for reasons I never would have guessed that morning.  Yes, it was going to be a day filled with anxiety and a full body numbing sensation ... because that was the day I also lost my job, January 23rd, 2013.

I was given a box, my final checks, a request (after asking) to not speak with anyone on my way out.  I was polite, I was accommodating, I was hyperventilating for real and in my mind.  And yet, was also filled with a strange peace.

I have told this story numerous times now.  I left my workplace of 3+ (almost 4) years, my company of over 8 years, the ONLY company of my adult career - with a feeling of hope.  A feeling, a belief, that this was a clean slate, a hope and knowing that I would find a new job quickly, and all would be well.  Following the river home, the sun shining - leading me along, the light twinkling off the water to my right, I was talking on my head set with family and friends,  and I was filled with hope.  A hope and a disbelief; I now know it was a state of shock.   Yet, still a hope that has carried me along these past few weeks, and yet flees me from time to time. 

In those times, dark thoughts and feelings of loss, and being lost and alone fill my mind, and encroach on my heart.  When that happens, I hear the words of strength, given to me by my cousin, who has endured more than her share of grief,

"We are not meant to live this life alone" - meaning reach out for help and support
"Let yourself Cry, feel those raw emotions, feel them and heal ..."
and most importantly for me, "why do you need to be strong.  We are strong for others, not ourselves ..."

With those thoughts, and the help, support, love, encouragement, and wisdom of friends and family I have been grieving the death of 2 very important parts of my life.  My relationship, and my career/job.

I have been given a gift, a new start.  A clean slate.  And I am working through it.  This blog is my Journey, in Progress.  For there is no true start, or beginning, or ending.  It's a journey, and I hope I can find clarity through my writing and perhaps offer hope and inspiration to others.  I foresee a few back to back entries, discussing a few of the insights I have had already.  And then I shall write when the inspiration takes me. 

It's a journey, and one I hope you will join me on for even a little while.