Yesterday I sat looking out the window and was entranced with the beauty of fresh falling snow. The big, soft snowflakes, drifting down, coating trees, cars, and ground alike. A vision from a fairy tale. I smiled at the beauty and wished I could capture it, to remind me that after each storm, each hardship in life, there is beauty to be seen. It reminded me of blessings and fresh starts. Of a new white canvas to draw upon.
I have done some soul searching of late and just this morning read the following passage which resonated so strongly with me, I laughed softly to myself.
"... We tend to manage our lives intellectually, keeping ourselves busy with mostly superficial matters, while underneath we often feel bored, restless, somewhat lost, and frequently ungrounded - as if we aren't really in our bodies. This is why we keep ourselves busy. It's a way to distract ourselves, at least temporarily, from experiencing the unpleasant inner anxiety that haunts us.
Most of us experience some degree of this spiritually unconscious phase at one time or another ... but it usually comes to an abrupt end with some sort of highly unexpected or hugely upsetting crisis, such as being in an accident, developing an illness, losing a loved one, or feeling rejected by someone we love. It can also result from an anticipated end of a cycle or circumstance - for example, losing a job, graduating from college, leaving a marriage or long-term relationship...
Once we begin to awaken our Spirit, we sense possibilities in life that we weren't aware of before and want to find out what they are. As if waking up from an endless dream, we start to look at the world with fresh eyes and a new found sense of curiosity. [...] You've progressed to the point where the things you've held on to as false security blankets no longer serve you; and you're ready to let go of limited relationships, ideas, and beliefs so that you can be introduced to new, more empowering ones. [...] ... I've worked with thousands of people over the past 35 years who have shared these types of experiences with me, and I often ask if they were genuinely surprised when their awakening began. Almost everyone I've spoken to said something like: 'On the surface yes, ... but deep down, no, I wasn't surprised. I even felt it coming. I just didn't know when or how.' [...] Once Spirit taps you on the shoulder, you're compelled to sit up, pay attention, and listen. Like waking up during a restless night, you simply can't go back to sleep." - Sonia Choquette, "The Power of your Spirit" (pgs 7-10)
I laughed, because this very awakening has happened in various ways over the past 10 years. This most recent time, when I 'woke up' and realized my relationship was not what I wanted, it was very much like not being able to fall back to sleep. It was such a soul deep knowing, I could not refuse it. 3 days of pure anxiety as my mind and body processed what my heart and soul knew was the truth. Hindsight is so very 20/20. In quiet moments of justbeforesleep, moments of time, memories would replay themselves, solidifying my decision. In moments of half sleep during the night, my mind would string together fragments of conversations and snapshot memories, showing me, helping me understand WHY I was making this decision. God, and my angels, were helping me process MY TRUTH. My authenticity. Showing me how to be true to myself. Giving me the strength to '... disappoint another to be true to myself' (Oriah Mountain Dreamer, The Invitation).
I questioned how to say it, how to phrase it. How does one tell a lover, a partner, you future husband (as we had talked about and were planning) - You are not for me? You are not the right person for me ... and these are the reasons why... and then not know how to put into words all the small and big reasons. I found my way. Through prayer, and writing, and meditating, and just winging it at times. I found my way to say the hard truths, and the knowing, that THIS IS NOT FOR ME. With the constant reminder of, "Can you disappoint another, to be true to yourself."
My entire life I have avoided the possibility of disappointing another, of hurting another person, because it would hurt me, and I would feel bad letting someone else down. Even when it wasn't what I wanted to do, even when it made me unhappy, I gave to others. That one line has been on my mind for years, circling, repeating, and finally it made sense. I knew what it was saying. Can I be true to myself, even if it disappoints another - because I MATTER. I deserve to stand up for myself, and be true to ME. If I am not true to ME, then how can I be true to another person?
It was a hard lesson. And one I am still working through. I learned the lesson, much like you learn equations in math class. Now, how do I apply it?
Well, a few days ago I was given an opportunity to practice a form of this lesson. I had a hard truth to share with a friend. Something that had occurred years ago that I had carried with me ... a hard stone of guilt in my stomach. I knew that I could no longer hold onto this, and have what I wanted - an authentic friendship for either of us. I prayed, I meditated, I prayed some more, and shared the news. It was scarey and wonderful at the same time. I knew that it could go either way, and I was prepared to accept an ending. Instead I was given an opportunity to move on with grace and blessed with continued friendship. Time had been able to heal some of the harsh wounds and I am blessed with a forgiving friend.
So as I look outside today, and see the raging wind and storm tossed snow - I remember yesterday, and the peaceful beauty that fell gracefully from the sky. I know that each day will present its own version of beauty and turmoil, and that in the end, the landscape will be ready for a new adventure, a new painting.
My Spirit is awakening to a new level. One that I am excited to explore. One that no longer allows me to hold onto relationships or jobs that no longer serve me. And that encourages me to resolve past issues, so I can continue my journey with a stronger sense of authenticity (and better Karma!).
I will stumble, I will fall, I will still make mistakes - we are human! I Am Human. But I know that I have a better base, and a better sense of myself and a wonderful inner compass I am continuing to learn and refine.
I look forward to more mornings filled with Fresh Falling Snow ...
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