Expression: Writing vs. Speaking

I had a hard conversation with a friend last night.  I was feeling very angry, overwhelmed, and upset by life in general, and this friend was trying to help me out of that mind set.  Now I admit, I WANTED to feel that way.  There was a perverse joy in feeling those powerful emotions and I wanted to be in that state for a little while.  Yet, I also knew the crash from that angry high would not be pretty.  So with some prompting, I started talking, and instantly wanted to bawl my eyes out.  And did cry some. 

And then when the questioning turned from the 'explain how you are feeling' to the 'well, have you tried to do X in your job search, or what are the parameters you can do Y in ... I got very angry and yelled out in frustration, and went on verbal attack ...

You see Friends, I don't always like talking through the DEEP stuff.  I'll give surface answers all day, but when you start to dig deep in conversation, I get very, VERY uncomfortable. 

Later in the evening I sent this message to my friend... and I think it explains what I go through fairly well:

"It's very uncomfortable for me to put into spoken words the hard 'truths' of my heart and mind ... I typically end up in tears and hysterically crying. I am much better at verbally glazing over the tops of it, leaving it to be interpreted.  The digging, the prodding, the admitting to the places I go in my mind & heart is embarassing

when spoken. 

 

Give me a journal, a key board, and time, and I can write it all out, in a more easily digestible 'pretty' package that can make sense of the chaos and depths of emotion ... and introspection. With writing I don't have to hear the other person agreeing, or disagreeing, or asking to have a point clarified.  If I wanted to be clearer on it, I would have done so in the writing .... 😛  In other words, through writing I don't have to hear the critique ...

 

To speak about it, to be that vulnerable, is something that scares me speechless.  I admit it's a form of connection I yearn for, but also scares me.  Because what if when someone sees how potentially broken and screwed up I am?  What if they then walk away, or use it against me?  Or in some ways, even scarier, what if they get it ?

 

That compassion is just as likely if not more likely to make me cry and sob ...And yet - I've come to realize, this is one of my challenges.  To honestly open up to others, to set my boundaries in my life, and then to open up more to people, and let them know me, ME.  And to share when I can, because that is where the truer, more fulfilling connections are made." 

I Confess

I confess, I have been lurking, reading other blogs, experiencing moments of inspiration.  I have started typing about 4 entries over the past month or so, and started many more in my mind - yet each time, it just wasn't what I wanted to say.  It starts well, then trails off into drivel.  

Some of you know the journey, the experiences I have had in the past 6 months, some of you even know my life journey - those friends and family close to me.  Some of you are new to Me, and could only begin to understand.  To all of you, I feel I'm coming to a point where I want to share more of what has been incubating these past couple months.  

It's no grandiose revelation of world domination, or jet setting to another country (although, travel is on my heart again...) No, its a more inclusive, quiet revealing that has been happening.  I have many people to thank for their interest in my life, for their quiet and solid support.  From friends and family who know me and know I need time to process and realize the things I'm thinking/saying and who know that eventually it will click and I'll act.  For the friends & family who counseled me in worldly, self-experienced ways (Manda, I love you!, Mary L., Auntie Parker, Donna, Mum, Kat, Dad, Richard, Michelle, Lindsey, Emmi, Cherie) and those who shared the love and Word of God (Krystal, Cabrini, Mike, Tracy, Tarsha, Vinnie, Melanie, Shara, Mary, Dee, Arielle) - You were all there for me at some many points!  And so many more people than I can possibly mention by name - so please know I mean "YOU!"  And you continue to be there in all the big and small ways every day, in every way.  

I started this Blog as a means to document my Journey through the loss of a Job and Boy Friend.  I had grand ideas about this venture and started well, then it trailed off.  I started doubting the relevance of my words, I had wanted it to be inspiration to others.  How can something be inspirational when I felt like SHIT.  When I had days (still have them) that I just didn't see the point of getting out of bed?  That my life seemed to lack meaning or importance?  How could I inspire others when I couldn't even inspire myself?  

My first entry mentions that as I was driving away from the ICC on that faithful day, I KNEW I would find a job, it was just an internal truth then, and one that I believe even today.  But along the way - I lost that truth, that conviction.  I didn't realize then just how much I needed to decompress my life.  I did not know then, how much my heart needed to release and heal.  How much my mind and body needed time to process all that had happened, to release all the accumulated stress.  How many false Truths I needed to recognize and see and understand.  As I said earlier - It takes me a frustratingly  long time (for me and others) to see, recognize, understand, and act on things - I'm a Taurus and highly emotional - I'm learning to accept this about myself ;)

Another aspect to all of this has been the HEART TRUTH that I have something other than (maybe with?) hospitality to do in life.  It's this tugging, yearning, bursting purpose teasing at my heart and mind on a regular basis.  I felt it in Grade School, in High School, in College... I felt it when I was sick with Mono in IL, when I wanted to FLEE from the job in Philly - some days wishing for an illness to take me out of work for weeks at a time so I could just NOT go to work.  And then - I lost it for a few years between Philly and Lowell.  It got buried beneath stress and tedium, and a sense of 'this is all my life is ... '  I lost sight of anything, everything but the day to day and the 'what to do this weekend'

Then the days following my lay off, it started to pop up again.  I suddenly had this insight, "I can DO ANYTHING with my Life!  I'm FREE!!!"  I was reminded of the book I read in Philly called 'The Dream Giver' and another book by Lucado, 'Facing Your Giants'  and the only book I have bought multiple copies of to give away, 'Sister Freaks'  All revolving around facing those hard decisions in life to follow your dreams; trusting God (Creator, Divine, Allah, etc) with Faith that all will be OK and your dreams will come true - sometimes, usually, not even the way you thought they would.  

But, what IS it?  What IS this purpose?  This Drive, this great ball of light that I'm supposed to accomplish?  I went a bit OCD about it, from delving, to denial, to running from it.  I decided to take the summer 'OFF' to allow myself time to explore things I thought I wanted to do in life.  To relax - I even got a TAN!!!  In looking back, it's what I needed.  I hadn't taken a true vacation in ... ever since starting work at age 16.  Trips home are not a vacation when bookended by flights in and out of state and mad dash visiting to everyone I wanted to see.  Nor are quick weekends that also include driving 6+hrs in state to see everyone. 
 
During this time (and still now) I avidly avoided anyone asking me, 'Do you have a job yet?  Any new leads?  What do you want to do?  What are you doing for a search?'  Honestly, I appreciate your concern & your interest, but when I have something to tell you (like now) I will.  It made me (makes me) feel very unproductive and lazy to say, 'I'm taking a break...because I need it!'  Although, it did get easier, and still is getting easier to own my action; as ultimately I am responsible for my own success. 

And so, I worked on the book, "What Color is Your Parachute?" (I highly recommend it to EVERYONE!), I meditated, I journaled, I shadowed other jobs in Teaching & Banking.  I interviewed people, and I prayed.  I found myself drawn to God/Divine/Creator.  I knew this tugging in my heart meant that I had a purpose in Life - but WHAT is it????  I became obsessed with making the 'RIGHT' choice for my next job - yet I still didn't (don't) know what that is.  I feared making the wrong choice.  It became a very all or nothing/ Right/Wrong attempt at job hunting - with a belief that if I made the 'wrong' choice, my life purpose would be null and void.  

Please Note:  DO NOT DO THIS TO YOURSELF!!!  Please learn from me here, Do NOT believe that anything in your life has to be ALL or Nothing.  It is truly about the journey and eventually every thing you pick up along the way will lend itself to your future.  - Thank you Mary L. for the vision of the Quilt ;)

It has taken me a few months to release that fear.  To understand (for the uptenth time in my life) that not making a choice is also a choice (Jodi, Vinnie, Manda - LOL yes, I hear you all in my mind).  It took a lot of prayer and affirmations, and journaling and talking, to understand, and to release the paralyzing fear of going back to work.  It's still a work in progress.  I still have mornings, nights, afternoons where I sit and get trapped by racing thoughts and the daunting task of finding a job that I can be happy with, and feel fulfilled in.  

I have found myself turning more and more to God/Creator/Divine in prayer and gratitude, meditations, & positive affirmations.  I find myself trusting and being thankful for the things I have in my life.  Daily I find myself reminded that I am provided for, and loved.  It's been an incredible journey of letting go of fear again and again.  To sit back and release the expectations of life and of myself to do the 'right' thing.  And it's been heart wrenching at times to see some of the 'Truths/beliefs' I held onto so tightly ... 

I have come to realize in a very heart wrenching way, that I have always identified myself by my Career.  I have made what I do, who I am.  That was and is a hard image and mind set to shake.  It is one I know I will always gravitate to, but this time away has helped me realize that I am so much more than my job.  I have Value outside my paid career.  I have FAITH that I am more than my career.  And that at the end of the day, and at the end of my life, I have faith that I will have made a positive contribution to the people in my life and to the Earth.  That throughout my life, I will be able to affect long-lasting positive change.  Some how, some way. 
 
So where does all this bring me to today?  A notebook full of personal revelations from the summer; pages outlining some very interesting and not so shocking aspirations; a fantastic Tan, and for the moment some peace and self acceptance!  For a VERY long time, I had longed for time to just BE.  To explore some interests in my life and time to spend with my family & friends.  It was HARD to accept that I was blessed with that opportunity.  I feel incredibly guilty even now saying this, because I know everyone of you yearns for similar things.  Who am I to get what I asked for?  Why me?  I still don't know to this day - but I am learning to stop asking, and live with a heart of Gratitude.  Because it was not always easy to sit and listen to my heart.  It was not easy to sit with uncertainty, and its been hard to be grateful for something that goes against every social norm in our country.  But I AM grateful, and through that gratitude, I have Faith that I will find and accept a job, when the time is right.  

And for those of you sitting there saying, "Oh yeah so hard to just sleep in, and watch movies, and go to the beach... and Time spent finding yourself "  - To you (and that critical judge in my mind) I say, you're right.  There was a lot of fun to be had, time for decompressing and for awhile I admit, I really didn't want to go back to work - I dreaded it with paralyzing fear.  There was incredible guilt throughout this time too, because I felt I should be working, and job hunting every minute - to be a Productive member of Society.    

Then, I said 'To Hell with it!' and I did finally let myself enjoy those beach days, days to sleep in, to have fun, and see my family and know that I had time.  I'm not saying I didn't enjoy any of it - because it's been GREAT! 

And as for the job Hunt - The clock has (mostly) stopped ticking in my mind.  I awake now with the thought, "I need to go to work" - and it is not coming from a place of fear or anxiety (loss of money)  - but from a place of heart truth, of being ready to re-enter the work world.  And yes, also from a place of boredom - and that driving urge of SELF PURPOSE.  

So to the friends and family that told me to enjoy it, and cherish it - That's what I did.  And what I still continue to do, as I ramp up again for round 2? 3? 4? of the job hunt.  Cherish what I have today - because soon enough I will be back to work ;)


Up Next:  Some of those notes I have compiled on 'What I want to be/do when I Grow Up!'