Expression: Writing vs. Speaking

I had a hard conversation with a friend last night.  I was feeling very angry, overwhelmed, and upset by life in general, and this friend was trying to help me out of that mind set.  Now I admit, I WANTED to feel that way.  There was a perverse joy in feeling those powerful emotions and I wanted to be in that state for a little while.  Yet, I also knew the crash from that angry high would not be pretty.  So with some prompting, I started talking, and instantly wanted to bawl my eyes out.  And did cry some. 

And then when the questioning turned from the 'explain how you are feeling' to the 'well, have you tried to do X in your job search, or what are the parameters you can do Y in ... I got very angry and yelled out in frustration, and went on verbal attack ...

You see Friends, I don't always like talking through the DEEP stuff.  I'll give surface answers all day, but when you start to dig deep in conversation, I get very, VERY uncomfortable. 

Later in the evening I sent this message to my friend... and I think it explains what I go through fairly well:

"It's very uncomfortable for me to put into spoken words the hard 'truths' of my heart and mind ... I typically end up in tears and hysterically crying. I am much better at verbally glazing over the tops of it, leaving it to be interpreted.  The digging, the prodding, the admitting to the places I go in my mind & heart is embarassing

when spoken. 

 

Give me a journal, a key board, and time, and I can write it all out, in a more easily digestible 'pretty' package that can make sense of the chaos and depths of emotion ... and introspection. With writing I don't have to hear the other person agreeing, or disagreeing, or asking to have a point clarified.  If I wanted to be clearer on it, I would have done so in the writing .... 😛  In other words, through writing I don't have to hear the critique ...

 

To speak about it, to be that vulnerable, is something that scares me speechless.  I admit it's a form of connection I yearn for, but also scares me.  Because what if when someone sees how potentially broken and screwed up I am?  What if they then walk away, or use it against me?  Or in some ways, even scarier, what if they get it ?

 

That compassion is just as likely if not more likely to make me cry and sob ...And yet - I've come to realize, this is one of my challenges.  To honestly open up to others, to set my boundaries in my life, and then to open up more to people, and let them know me, ME.  And to share when I can, because that is where the truer, more fulfilling connections are made."