And then when the questioning turned from the 'explain how you are feeling' to the 'well, have you tried to do X in your job search, or what are the parameters you can do Y in ... I got very angry and yelled out in frustration, and went on verbal attack ...
You see Friends, I don't always like talking through the DEEP stuff. I'll give surface answers all day, but when you start to dig deep in conversation, I get very, VERY uncomfortable.
Later in the evening I sent this message to my friend... and I think it explains what I go through fairly well:
"It's very uncomfortable
for me to put into spoken words the hard 'truths' of my heart and mind
... I typically end up in tears and hysterically crying. I
am much better at verbally glazing over the tops of it, leaving it to be
interpreted. The digging, the prodding, the admitting to the places I go
in my mind & heart is embarassing
when spoken.
Give
me a journal, a key board, and time, and I can write it all out, in a
more easily digestible 'pretty' package that can make sense of the chaos
and depths of emotion ... and introspection. With
writing I don't have to hear the other person agreeing, or disagreeing,
or asking to have a point clarified. If I wanted to be clearer on it, I
would have done so in the writing .... 😛 In other words, through writing I don't have to hear the critique ...
To
speak about it, to be that vulnerable, is something that scares me
speechless. I admit it's a form of connection I yearn for, but also
scares me. Because what if when someone sees how potentially broken and
screwed up I am? What if they then walk away, or use it against me? Or in some ways, even scarier, what if they get it ?
That compassion is just as likely if not more likely to make me cry and sob ...And yet - I've come to realize, this is one of my challenges. To
honestly open up to others, to set my boundaries in my life, and then to
open up more to people, and let them know me, ME. And to share when I
can, because that is where the truer, more fulfilling connections are
made."